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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Menz Thread - Part 34

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outside4me ( member #42430) posted at 12:25 AM on Monday, January 2nd, 2023

Thanks for the wisdom, Sisoon... much appreciated, brudder!

Definitely still mourning El Paso. First occurrence I figured it was memory of her (guilt/comparison with current gal) that killed my boner midway through. Second gal it was all that plus fear that the ED would reoccur, which makes for a self fulfilling prophecy.

I too have the BPH, and had Urolift rather than carve up my prostate. I reckon its time to revisit the dick doc.

Apologies to all the young bucks on this thread for the subject matter, but maybe you can glean a kernel of wisdom from it. Get out there and enjoy yer functioning Johnsons!

But that's just like...my opinion, man. I could be wrong.

posts: 276   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2014   ·   location: Colorado
id 8771731
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Tred ( member #34086) posted at 7:01 PM on Monday, January 2nd, 2023

Outside,

Yes, Losfer passed away. There was thread in General honoring him and of course tributes in the Menz group (it's in this thread, shouldn't be hard to find).

Welcome back.

Married: 27 years (14 @JFO) D-Day: 11/09/11"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

posts: 5877   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2011
id 8771785
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outside4me ( member #42430) posted at 1:27 AM on Tuesday, January 3rd, 2023

I suppose we all gotta go sometime, but still... bummer.

But that's just like...my opinion, man. I could be wrong.

posts: 276   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2014   ·   location: Colorado
id 8771826
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goingtomakeit ( member #11778) posted at 4:15 PM on Sunday, January 8th, 2023

Ok guys,

Here is where I am.

I went on vacation and had a great time. We made love again. I was frustrated again, but she put me on my back and gave me a hand job. She told me I was her stud, and she loved me very much. That was so awesome. I did not feel like the failure I did the last few times.(yes, she finished me off)

I went to see MC-he told me to be careful with my heart. He also told me to be more selfish in bed. I usually make sure she is satisfied before I finish-he said I should enjoy it and not be as concerned about her. That is not what the books tell you, but I am going to try that.

Medical doctor says my testosterone is a little low, and has given me viagra.I’ve been cialis up to now. Any of you guys that are using either or both-is the blue pill better, same?

I’m picking up today, and will try this week. Have an appointment with urologist as I also have high PSA. I am being upfront with the urologist (as embarrassing as everything is) cause I know he has heard it all, and that is the only way to get better. Hopefully this is not cancer, and between a T shot and viagra I can fix this.

On the emotional side, I feel loved ( and I have not felt that for a long time). I know I love her, and always have. She was not my first, but she was the one who connected sex and love for me.

Fingers crossed

Me: BS (34 at d-day)Her: WS (35 at d-day)D-Day: 02/03/99Kids: 2 boys (5 & 3 at d-day)Married 9 years at d-day

posts: 170   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2006   ·   location: Ga
id 8772539
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:52 PM on Sunday, January 8th, 2023

Viagra was good for a day for me. Cialis is good for 3-4 days. I take a pill before going to bed on 'day 0'. I can almost always make love on days 1, 2, and 3, and sometimes on 4.

The problem is that women's tissues deteriorate, so W needs a lot more time for the tissues to rebuild now. Another problem is that I find it harder to reach orgasm now than I used to, but I find sex to be very good and good enough.

Yeah, after d-day I focused more on myself, and I recommend doing that. One of the shibboleths of the feminism of the '60s and '70s was that 'Women are responsible for their own orgasms'. If your W wants something you're not doing or wants you to stop something you are doing, she needs to ask.

Best of luck with your visit to the doc. PSA numbers can be scary, and I hope it's a false alarm.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:53 PM, Sunday, January 8th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30045   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8772545
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goingtomakeit ( member #11778) posted at 3:33 PM on Saturday, January 21st, 2023

Thank God for viagra!!! Sisoon, you are so wise!

I felt like a 35 year old again.

Doc said to re-test on PSA.

On emotional front, everything good. It’s like having my old wife back. Sometimes I have panic attacks on what if this is not real? What could she be after? I don’t think it could be financial, as she got a large inheritance from her parents, and she has more money than I do.

I did ask her why now. She said she missed the sex. She said I was so loving to her, and she really enjoyed the way I made love to her. This is flowing both ways. I love the way she makes love to me. When I am making love to her, I am completely vulnerable, and she accepts me for who I am.

If this is not real, I am in for a world of hurt. I may be a complete fool, but I want to open up to her, and her accept me. I am not the naive 25 year old who married her. I know the depths of cruelty and selfishness she is capable of. I know the risks, but I also know the reward.

Fingers crossed!

Me: BS (34 at d-day)Her: WS (35 at d-day)D-Day: 02/03/99Kids: 2 boys (5 & 3 at d-day)Married 9 years at d-day

posts: 170   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2006   ·   location: Ga
id 8774205
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:56 PM on Saturday, January 21st, 2023

In choosing R, you took a lot of risk. You know you did, right?

IMO, a BH in R has to open himself up to being hurt. A BH in R has toshow he's vulnerable.

I see at least 2 reasons for that. First, I don't think there's much of a point in being in an M unless one can safely show vulnerability. Second, the only way to know if you'll be safe is to try it out.

You asked a tough question - and got a good answer. If your W had given a different answer, she might have shown herself to be a lousy candidate for R, but she gave an answer that's positive for R. You can't have known without asking the question though. You can't have known without taking the risk.

We're all vulnerable. The trick is finding out who to show the vulnerability to. Some people change. Our wives certainly did - from friends to enemies. Some change and then change back.

We're all vulnerable to being hurt, and we can (virtually) all heal. My bet is that at a gut level, you know you'll recover whatever happens. You know that.

It takes courage to choose R; alas, it take more courage to actually do R, just as it takes courage to choose D, and more courage to actually D.

The good part is that we all have the necessary courage, even if we don't realize it.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:57 PM, Saturday, January 21st]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30045   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8774211
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goingtomakeit ( member #11778) posted at 10:25 PM on Thursday, February 23rd, 2023

PSA Retest came back normal.

But I have a question for you guys.

My W got a large inheritance from her parents. She was willing to put it into our joint account. I told her no.

I told her if she ever wanted to leave, I wanted her to not worry I would try to take her inheritance away from her.

I know that was the right thing to do.

I have put money in her name that is my earnings because she does not inherit under my will, and the big life policy goes to the boys, not her. There is a small policy for her.

A lot of this is because of the A. I did cut her off from my will out of spite. I changed the life beneficiary because of the A. I have felt guilty and put some money in her name because of that.

But I can’t bring myself to change my will. I do inherit under her will.

Am I right to feel this way? I know I am punishing her, and I should be above that, but I am not.

If I die, she will be fine, but her standard of living will go down.

Eventually, everything goes to the boys from both of us. How do you guys feel in this?

Me: BS (34 at d-day)Her: WS (35 at d-day)D-Day: 02/03/99Kids: 2 boys (5 & 3 at d-day)Married 9 years at d-day

posts: 170   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2006   ·   location: Ga
id 8779046
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 12:54 AM on Friday, February 24th, 2023

Does this spite improve your life?

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6710   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8779060
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 12:30 PM on Friday, February 24th, 2023

I would reconsider her offer of putting her inheritance into your joint account. Take the offer. Knight in shining armor is not applicable here. And, you should have zero guilt since it all goes to your children anyway in the end.

posts: 785   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8779105
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 8:57 PM on Friday, February 24th, 2023

But I can’t bring myself to change my will. I do inherit under her will.

Am I right to feel this way? I know I am punishing her, and I should be above that, but I am not.

If I die, she will be fine, but her standard of living will go down.


Looking at it from a pure numbers standpoint, I think much of this comes down to the details.

Like housing. If she has survivorship on the house and it's paid off, or can be with the small policy, that takes a large monthly expense down to what might be bearable.

You said she had a large inheritance and a small insurance policy, is it enough to supplement her income on interest alone if you pass?

One thing to consider is what impact your wife's standard of living going down is going to have on your children whose standard of living will be simultaneously going up. That can put them in an awkward position.

posts: 1603   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8779308
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 10:26 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

St. Paddy's tomorrow. Nice colour.

I haven't posted in a long time but have checked in very occasionally.

Regarding the inheritance and will, goingtomakeit. The laws differ from state to state and province to province. Where I am (Alberta) If an inheritance is co-mingled it becomes marital property. If it stayed only in your ww's name and not used for marital purchases it would only be hers. If she deposited it in your joint accounts it would go directly to the survivor without going through probate. If you predeceased her it would go directly to her and vice versa. If you predeceased her it would be hers anyway. This all depends on the laws in your state.

Where I am, no matter what the will indicates, the spouse will be awarded 25% of the deceased estate unless there is a prenup and it is actually valid. All joint property flows to the survivor as well as the amount required by law of property that isn't joint. If the big life policy has the boys as beneficiaries I believe that isn't part of the estate and it will come to them entirely. You can't rule from the grave. Should your unfortunate passing actually happen the funds coming to the boys can be used for their living and education anyway.

I'm not a lawyer. I recommend you confer with a lawyer to determine what conditions apply to you.

I retired from my profession and set up my pension with a 10 year minimum payment and my now xww getting 66 2/3 of what I was getting until her passing. I was suspicious of her committing adultery at the time but did it anyway. It was the right thing to do. I signed the form indicating that once signed it could never be changed. My xww doesn't think she should be better off with me dead and wasn't expecting to benefit from my death. She isn't happy about it but that is the way it is.

BH(me)72(now); XWW 64; M 42 yrsDDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW 4 years; "dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, liesSeparated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4719   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8782523
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78monte ( member #72572) posted at 3:03 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

Hey Steady,
Glad to see you're still out there.
I was wondering about you a couple of weeks ago.
Still snow in my part of Canada, spring can't come soon enough.
How's the weather in Alberta?

posts: 4778   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8782865
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 8:10 PM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

Still hanging around 78monte. I don't check in very often, though. I got so I was thinking I wasn't doing anyone else or myself much good.

The weather is good here now. Had a couple of -40s (-45 and -44, I think) earlier in the winter and then a couple of nights in the low mid -30s. The winter, overall, has been a little colder than our average but very livable. The suns shining now and packing some heat. We've had less than average snowfall here but my daughter and son-in-law 2 hours east of me has at least their average snowfall on their ranch. They need it. They winter over 1,000 head of cattle and graze over 600 in the summer all on dugouts. The dugouts were low going into winter but there should be good runoff this spring for them.

I'll start calving in a month and a half. So just feeding cows and going to meetings. I'm on three board of directors so staying fairly busy with that.

Take care, 78monte. Thanks for the acknowledgement.

BH(me)72(now); XWW 64; M 42 yrsDDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW 4 years; "dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, liesSeparated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4719   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8783055
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78monte ( member #72572) posted at 2:55 PM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

Wow, Steady!
It sounds like you have a pretty full plate.
I'm thankful I asked you about BAN meetings a few years ago. I attend them online, they have been a great help for me. Whenever there is mention of a member driving for hours, just so they could attend a meeting, you pop into my head.
I'm not sure if you have dairy or beef cattle or the full extent if your farming operation is. I want to thank you for all you have done throughout your life. Farmers are true heroes and don't get enough thanks for all they do.
I'm also happy to hear your daughter and are in farming. Many of the younger generation, want to move on to the city and pursue other interests.
Be well Steadychevy.

posts: 4778   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8783145
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 9:38 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Good day to you, Monte, and all BHs.

I run beef cattle. I've two daughters with degrees in agriculture like I do and one of their husbands also does and the other has a diploma. They are both in production agriculture and one of them is also an agriculture and small business lender. The youngest daughter is quite a high powered corporate finance lawyer (don't know how that happened) with major law firm who made partner at 34 while on maternity leave. You might be able to sense how proud I am of them but more importantly about the kind of persons they and their husbands are.

The best to you. It's rewarding to know I did help a few.

BH(me)72(now); XWW 64; M 42 yrsDDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW 4 years; "dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, liesSeparated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4719   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8783952
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Tred ( member #34086) posted at 3:43 AM on Saturday, March 25th, 2023

Good to see you Steady. Like you I only pop in time to time. Not like the old days when the Menz thread was must see TV grin . It's good to see some of the old timers check in and catch up. This thread was a big part of where I am now, and the brothers I met who helped me get through it. Always good to see people checking in and catching up.

Married: 27 years (14 @JFO) D-Day: 11/09/11"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

posts: 5877   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2011
id 8784004
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 3:49 AM on Wednesday, March 29th, 2023

Hey, steady & Tred. Do I qualify as an old timer?

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6710   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8784622
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 1:23 AM on Saturday, April 1st, 2023

My vote would be that you do, Unhinged. I remember when you first signed in. Good to cross paths again.

BH(me)72(now); XWW 64; M 42 yrsDDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW 4 years; "dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, liesSeparated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4719   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8785236
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Tred ( member #34086) posted at 4:36 AM on Saturday, April 1st, 2023

Unhinged,

If you can remember when we would blow through 50 pages of the Menz thread in a couple of days and someone always had to grab the damn clock, you are an old timer :)

Married: 27 years (14 @JFO) D-Day: 11/09/11"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

posts: 5877   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2011
id 8785256
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