I hope someone can relate and give advice.
I am in IC after many years-working on myself. I am worth it.
Anyway-even though A was years ago, I was assigned Torn Asunder to read (internal groan-not another infidelity-you can have a better marriage after A book).
So-I read the book, and came to a chapter where that talk about the one spouse becomes the other spouse’s parent. A W buys all the husbands clothes, one spouse corrects the others pronunciation, spouse gives detailed instructions-go upstairs and take off those dirty jeans, shower, and wash your hair.
OMG-that is my marriage. I realized, other than socks and underwear, I have barely bought any clothes for myself, by myself, In years. W does the other two things too. And I just went along.
I think this is 2 FOO colliding in the worst possible way. I am the oldest of 5 kids. I and my next sister down got pushed into the role of pseudo parents for the 3 little siblings. My mom had some migraines that she had to stay in a dark room all day, and no noise. Also with 5 kids, her nurturing time was way split up. Dad worked-normal 70’s to 80’s American set up.
Her FOO-her Dad had 2 affairs-kicked to curb after second one. After age 12, her mother raised her alone. Her dad left the picture (not financially, just emotionally). My MIL was awesome, and a very strong woman-going into the workforce at 45 and having a hell of a career. But, she was really bossy, and had to be in control. Always.
So, I think unconsciously, I went looking for the nurturing I missed as a kid ( and found it). Her role model was to take charge of every situation.
I have told W about the M we are in. I told her I am a man, and I can buy my own clothes (just bought some shirts off internet-and they look great on me). I also said I can do most things without being told what to do step by step (successful career).
So, she is trying to stop this, but struggling. She saw a Tshirt that says "I’m trying not to be controlling, but you’re doing it wrong" and said that is her.
She is also upset she can’t buy me clothes.
How do we get out of this? Her bossing me on housework and her buying me clothes is the norm.
I know this sounds funny, especially to the women on this board, but I am serious. Breaking out of this is causing some conflicts between us. I think I am the defiant man/child now, and she does not like it.
4 comments posted: Wednesday, August 9th, 2023
Ptsd and E m d r
I am currently in IC.
We have done one EMDR session. It was on my fear of fWW hurting me again. And it worked! I rarely hear that voice in the back of my head "is this real?" or "please let this be real"-this one would enter during intimacy. FWW has said when I look at her during the act, it’s different, and I look like I love her.
1. I was diagnosed with PTSD over the A years ago. I was given some antidepressants then for a while, but it zombiefied me, so I got off of them. I have read PTSD changes brain chemistry-it looks like forever. Is this correct?
2. One really painful event involves my children. She brought OM home and they ate dinner with my children-then 5 and 3. But they had sex somewhere else before that (coughing "bullshit").
Question-will EMDR change how I feel about my children?
I feel like I need to live with the pain forever if the alternative is desensitizing me toward my children (who have a major role in this horrible memory).
PS- I know about her bringing him to the house is a middle finger to me. I believe she probably fucked him in our bed. I processed that part long ago. Where I get stuck is he had dinner with my children (like a happy little family ). The backside is I came home from being out of town and we had sex that night. A few hours after OM had finished ( ). If it had not really happened to me, I would never have believed it possible, yet here we are.
Thanks in advance
4 comments posted: Sunday, July 23rd, 2023
I am struggling on the forgiveness front.
I was in limbo for years, and trying to get to R.
I forgave FWW for the affair, sex, love for OM years ago. Not easy, but I was able to forgive that, mostly.
I could forgive A because that was FWW issues, mainly her father abandoned the family at age 12. (OM was 15 years older than us). She was messed up from childhood -I hate her dad BTW-hope he is roasting in hell. Even though I took the body blow on the A, it had very little to do with me.
What I can’t forgive is the shitty treatment of me post A. I, like a lot of BS on this board, was the horrible person, basically for not being OM. Not that my behavior was angelic, I was way way pissed off.
I absorbed the the emotional blows of her trying to protect OM from OBS, after OM had dumped WW. I endured her saying I did not understand how special what they had was (she would be right on that one). I found out (from my six year old) OM had dinner at my house, with my children during the A. Yes, my FWW is a complete idiot.
I deserved better treatment than that. I am better than that. I was a workaholic husband, and I had a high maintenance wife. My FWW did not feel loved. Those were my crimes in a nutshell pre A.
I am very religious, and feel I should forgive this for my spiritual wellbeing. But I am human as well, and I feel like forgiving this part devalues me. The post DD treatment of me is where most of the pain still lies( I buried it for a long time). I built myself back up after A, and believe I am a great guy.
I am in IC, trying to work through this, but have not found the key yet.
Are there any of you-all (as we say in the south) who have pearls of wisdom on this?
12 comments posted: Tuesday, July 4th, 2023
Am I the one, or the one left?
Quick recap-FWW had year long affair in 1998. OBS finds out, and OM ends affair. My DD is 2 weeks later. Go to MC for a year-ends as I realized she loved him, and not sorry about the A, just sorry she got caught and sorry she hurt me. While the marriage survives, it survives so I can raise my kids, not some deep love between us.
Kids leave home, but I stay on. Nice home, good finances-a beautiful gilded cage-but still a cage. I am not a saint, as there were times I would see the love of my life, and think "this is it", only to be disappointed as her coldness would return.
We entered an almost sexless existence for several years, and I was starving for a woman’s love, physically and emotionally. Don’t think I was some puppy dog, I had completely given up on anything with FWW. Dead limbo.
She retired in December, and she suddenly starts making sexual moves on me. First time is WTF? Then a couple of more times. Wow-endorphins go off like crazy. I have slowly opened my self up to her. So far so good.
I asked her why now, and she said she loves me, and missed sex with me. That is an ego boost on both fronts.
A couple of times when making love I asked if I was safe. She says "you’re always safe with me baby."
This has reawakened me good and bad. Long buried feelings are back, along with long buried fears. For instance a call came in from New York-OM home state. I saw it and was suddenly panicked. She picked up her messages, and it was just spam. There has been NC for over 20 years, and I suddenly think he is back-crazy right?
I told her I am looking forward to the future, and am happier than I have been in years. Her reply was "oh, the sex". I told her that was part of it, but what I really wanted was to spend time with her, and us have adventures together.
I love the pre A wife. She is the love of my life. The A and post A wife (for the most part) is a cold bitch I would not give the time of day to. Most days since December, I have the love of my life, and I am re discovering her.
The problem? I want to be the love of her life. I am not sure i am. She does love me. She would say of course I am the love of her life-but I don’t know. Sometimes (a lot) I feel like OM is her love of her life, but since he was gone, she settled for me.
I want her to love me wholly. I want to be loved physically, but more than that, I want to be loved emotionally. I want my faults to be accepted, for her to be proud of me. I am not perfect, but I am a great person, and I deserve for someone (hopefully her) to accept and love that.
Be with me because you want to be with me, not because I am your default choice.
How do I ask that? Should I ever ask that? Have I watched too many Hallmark movies?
I have forgiven her for the A, and for loving him. I have forgiven her shitty treatment of me. This is more insecurity than holding it against her.
21 comments posted: Friday, April 14th, 2023
Got great advice today-and I needed it
I have started doing boot camp at the gym. I am supposed to do 25 reps of a lot of exercises, but I can’t finish the push ups.
I talked to a friend who is a retired coach- he said push-up are hard. You have to do as many as you can, but when your body says stop, stop. He also said not to wimp out and stop too soon, or you don’t get results.
I have thought about this all day in many ways.
As I am moving in R, there are some days I get panicked. I am consciously deciding to love someone who hurt me worse than anyone else ever has. I have a lot of hope, but a lot of fear too. Some days the fear takes over (especially if she is irritated or dismissive of me). I thought making it one day after another after Dday took a lot of courage, but this is taking more courage than that-because, in opening my heart to her, I know how selfish and cruel she can be.
So, on those days, I just need to stop. When my brain is on overload with fear, I need to go get a coke, or to the gym, or take a nap.
At the same time, on days I feel defeated on small things, I need to push forward. Because I also know how loving and kind she can be as well.
Am I getting the balancing act right?
1 comment posted: Saturday, March 25th, 2023
BS-did you contact AP spouse? How did it go?
Here is my question
After DD, did you contact AP spouse or significant other? How did it go?
I will start. APS discovered A about 2 weeks before me. She gave the NC ultimatum. I uncovered everything right afterward. Originally I was to never know(how generous of everyone ).
NC was broken via email, and I found it. I called APS (on Valentines Day) and told her. She was so mad, I am pretty sure he did not get any that day .
A month later, we had a real call. About 1/2 hour-she was a nice lady. We compared stories, filling in blanks for each other. We cried together. We exchanged all phone numbers, and promised to call if we ever caught them again. Happily, we never had to call again.
FWW A was internet A that became real and PA. OM was many states away, so controlling physical access was easier, as APS never let him come to my state again.
I had a good experience with APS. She really helped on her side breaking things up. FWW and OM both knew we could contact each other, and, at least on our side, FWWs web of lies came crashing down.
20 comments posted: Saturday, February 4th, 2023
Confused and really scared
Ok, here is my messed up confusing life. I was a young dad with two DS at DD in early 1999. Went to see good therapist at the time. I was so immature at the time, I was pissed over the sex and missed some of the big picture. I was a workaholic and my wife was at home with a five year old a a three year old and lonely. I confused our sex with intimacy(we did not really have that much intimacy at the time). She found someone (OM-the bastard) to be intimate with and had sex with him. His wife discovered them, and my wife found out she felt more for him than he felt for her. (Ouch, that probably left a mark).
I (we) came to a compromise-not exactly reconciliation. I forgave her to the point I could, but not entirely. She would be faithful, not spend too much money, and concentrate on being a good mom. I decided it was better to stick it out for my kids, and I would leave when they did. I know I made mistakes as a husband, but I am a damn good dad-my boys mean the world to me. I looked at it as a 15 year prison sentence, and was depressed for years. My consolation was everyday I woke up, my boys were under the same roof. My hope is they saw enough of a normal marriage on the outside they are not damaged.
My time should have been up in June 2013, but I did not leave.
Now it is almost 2023-why am I still here? I have the financial resources to leave(not as great as if I stay, but still…) Kids are out of the house.
I am here because I still love the girl I married. She is the love of my life, and I will never have another like her. However, the post DD wife is not her most of the time. She is not hateful, or cruel to me, but it is not the 1989 version I fell for. For 8 years I knew a woman every way a man can know a woman, emotionally, intellectually, sexually-I had it all. I feel like DD destroyed the woman I loved, and left someone else behind.
At times, I still see her, and I hold on to her for as long as it lasts. The loss of my pre DD wife is what I am unable to forgive.
For the past couple of years, we have been basically sexless. After DD day, sex was up and down but my sex drive was always way higher than hers and I did a lot of begging. Eventually got tired of begging and just gave up, taking care of my own needs in that department by myself. I think I am a good lover (not that I have a universe to ask) so I think she just did not feel that sex was important in a relationship. She would be wrong on that one.
Sooo… a couple of days ago, out of the blue, she wakes me up by grabbing my penis and kissing me deeply. I had not showered after the gym the night before, but she still wanted me. WOW and WTF? We made love, and it was awesome. The girl I loved was there with me for a while. It was not a fuck like she was using me (been there , done that), it was really making love, and she enjoyed it ( as did I). She was actually really nice to me all weekend, and it made me so happy.
So guys-what now? I had resigned myself to a sexless marriage with a woman who was not the love of my life-and now this.
I don’t want to let my heart go, just to get crushed again. The first time I found out she did not give a shit about me and OM was everything to her hurt so bad.
I was in a safe place( still am I guess). What if this is just temporary? If I keep my heart safe, I may scare her away, and lose my last chance to be with my wife I love. If I really dive in, I could get crushed all over again-there were false starts and stop back in 1999 and 2000-I just can’t get crushed again.
I am confused and scared as hell!!
Any advice is helpful.
25 comments posted: Tuesday, December 13th, 2022