Newest Member: Notarunnerup

sisoon

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

Laptop - Ideapad vs ThinkPad

I used to be an IT pro. I've had terrible experiences getting support from Dell and HP for clients, and I've had bad experiences myself with a Toshiba and Compaq laptops, so I've owned ThinkPads for the last 15 years. I've had my current laptop, a T440S, since 2014, and I'm seeing some screen problems. (8GB RAM and an SSD make it still fast enough for me.)

The trouble is that the ThinkPads cost more than I want to spend. Also, my T440S has a 14" screen, and I'm interested in a larger screen, since I almost never travel with it.

Does anyone here have an Ideapad? How does it hold up to fairly constant use?

Does anyone here have experience with both a ThinkPad and an Ideapad? Any thoughts on how they compare, especially in terms of durability?

Thanks.

3 comments posted: Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

Conflict Resolution and R

This thread is a result of a post on G. I think I had to choose between a T/J or this new thread, and the new thread is my choice.

To R, we have to learn how to resolve conflicts, because they come up every day. Every conflict needs resolution, even though some conflicts are really trivial on the surface. My W used to ask me, 'Do you want peas or string beans?' I didn't care, and i wanted her to choose the one she wanted. She wanted me to choose. See, conflict.

My W wants to go to religious services today. I'd like to go, too, to say kaddish for my father, but I'd also like to watch a couple of bike races. That[s a conflict within myself, and if I choose a bike race, that's a conflict between W and me.

To resolve conflict:

1) both parties have to recognize it;

2) both parties have to be willing to do something about it;

3) the parties have to negotiate a solution that they both feel OK about.

If one or both parties don't feel OK about the chosen solution, furthering R requires them to do more work to do to resolve that conflict. In R, feeling OK about the vast majority of conflicts is, IMO, essential.

Most - maybe 'every' - conflicts have multiple solutions. The peas or string beans issue can be resolved by my giving an answer, by my W just making a decision, etc., etc., etc. Eventually we let our son decide, because once I realized that he wasn't babbling when we were fighting. He was saying 'beess, beess, beess', and I realized he was actually saying, 'Peas, peas, peas.' (The first word other than 'ma' that I recognized.)

And even with a trivial issue, it's easy to feel lousy about the solution. I could decide to over-comply, make a choice, and feel like a Victim, forced to make a choice when I didn't want to. I could also choose to feel good about myself for making a choice when she asked me to do so.

IOW, conflicts between people arise again and again in life. So do conflicts within ourselves. Those conflicts require resolution. They get resolved one way or another, often by avoidance. Our son's voicing his preference was a joyful occasion - but it allowed us to avoid recognizing the issue between us WRT W's wanting me to decide and my wanting her to decide. (And the real issue underneath it for my W was her self-hate, which led to her A....)

R is harder than just floating along through life, avoiding every conflict that can be avoided. If the solution chosen by 2 partners results in one or both feeling not OK about themselves, it's negative for R. If you don't feel good about yourself for being in R, I don't see how R can work for you.

To R, conflicts need to be addressed, and the partners need to feel good about the solutions.

R is impossible unless conflicts are not avoided.

JMO, of course.

16 comments posted: Saturday, October 9th, 2021

54, 56, 11 - a perspective on recent wedding anniversary

This week, plainsong and I celebrated our 54th wedding anniversary. We've known each other for almost 56 years, and 11 years ago my W was in the middle of her A. I really like the fact that we've been together so long. IMO, a good long term relationship has wonders that are beyond my ability to describe. I feel very, very lucky and humble - I know many people simply can't have a relationship this long because of things they can't control. I feel joyful, too, and I'd like to share my joy. I'll be honored if you join me.

I know my W can betray herself and me again. I know it's in the realm of possibility for me to betray her. I expect we'll both hurt each other in the future. In fact, I'm probably more likely to hurt her with a careless comment than she is to hurt me. That's certainly true historically - my stray comments have hurt her more than any stray comment of hers has hurt me.

I know we see large parts of the world differently. I know we have some different memories - some good times for me were bad times for her, and vice versa.

And yet, I'm happy we're together. I’m happy with her. I’m a better me with her, which makes our M sort of transactional, but I can't help that. We were always pretty good together, with only small issues between us. Especially since d-day, we've resolved lots of those issues, and I think we'll continue to resolve new issues that arise. I'm happier, I think, than I would have been without the A not because of the A, but because of the work we've done to rebuild our relationship.

Before d-day, we just lived with some of issues ... sometime for decades. We just lived with those small, pre-A issues - we just lived with them and let them bother us. The actual resolutions? The only change WRT a lot of those issues is that we no longer let them bother us. Examples - she accepts that I don't put stuff away; I accept that she has faith in some experts that I don't believe.

But some issues did see changes - I used to touch her briefly when she was within reach; she often complained. It turns out it was the 'brief' part, not the touching, that bothered her, so we touch a lot more now than in our first 40+ years together. The touching just lasts longer than it used to. Resolving that issue was a big win for us both.

She used to get scared when I used a certain tone of voice. I think I’ve learned not to use the TOV much anymore.

A lot of R(econciling) an M, IMO, is resolving issues. A lot of M and a lot of life are resolving issues.

Whether you D or R, do yourself a big favor: learn to raise and resolve issues.

*****

My W’s A remains on my mind because I'm on SI almost every day; otherwise, I think I’d think of it rarely.

I cannot say this too strongly: the memories are almost always just annoyances. The A has a place among traumas I've experienced. I'm not sure it's the worst of them. There are 2 others in the running for ‘worst’. But several years ago, I would have ranked it as the worst in my life.

*****

We all seem to absorb messages about experiences we haven’t had. The messages about infidelity get activated during and after As. One aspect of healing is to hear what those messages say and evaluate their truth.

Lots of messages blame the BS. They're lies. Lots of messages attack the BS. They're lies.

Most internal messaging about As is untrue at first. On way to characterize healing is something like ‘figuring out what self-talk is both true and helpful for healing’ and adopting that internal messaging.

*****

R is future-oriented. To R, IMO, you've got to ask yourself: Do I want to be with my WS forever? Is my WS a good enough candidate for R? The answers have to be ‘yes’ or perhaps ‘maybe’ to both questions for R to have a chance of succeeding.

Some people come up with one 'No' or 2.

If you answer one or both questions with 'no', I don't see how you can build a good R, but you've got a free choice. You can hold your head high and thrive.

The key is for the answers to come from within oneself, with as little influence from messages that have been absorbed as possible.

Wanting to R is great if it is a free choice, not great at all if a voice in your head tells you that you can’t D. Wanting D is great if it comes as a free choice, not great at all if it comes from a voice in your head telling you that you can’t ever R.

*****

If you see R as 'eating a shit sandwich,' I'm not sure R is for you. Personally, I simply do not see R that way - I've always seen R as a way to get what I want. I've always seen cheating as a statement about the WS, not about the BS. If you really see a shit sandwich, that's what it is - for you. I'm not saying you're wrong. I think you're right for you, and I think I'm right for me.

*****

Let me add something about the other 'r' - recovery.

BSes have been traumatized and victimized by their WSes, and I won't object if you add 'abused'. But we all have our own power. We're all stronger than we think, though perhaps not in the way we think of strength.

Recovery, IMO, is a process of surviving and thriving after being betrayed. Some people thrive after R, some people after D; some people after deciding to just stay together. Some people don't thrive after staying together or leaving.

The difference, I think, lies in owning our choices and taking responsibility for ourselves.

To recover, whether you D, or or end up with another outcome, IMO, you've got to get yourself to a point of knowing in your gut that you're a full-fledged member of the human race, even though your WS - the person you relied on most for emotional support - treated you as if you were a non-person during their A.

The only way to thrive after being betrayed is to own and use your power. (That's an absolute statement of my opinion, IMO, and I very rarely use absolutes.)

*****

All of this, except celebrating an anniversary, is easier said than done. But I’m convinced that doing the work is easier than staying in infidelity in either your internal or external life.

19 comments posted: Sunday, September 19th, 2021

Refused to sign hospital company's release and ...

I went to a local hospital to day for a checkup on my pacemaker. As usual, I was given a number of forms to sign releasing the hospital from liability after liability after liability, and I got fed up. I told the clerk, 'I'll sign this and this, but I won't sign that.' 'That' was an acknowledgement that they could do anything with my body, and they could assign any 'contractor' to my case, even if the 'contractor' was not in my network.

She just said, 'Will you just print 'refused' close to the signature line?'

'Sure,' I said, and did as requested.

And my appointment proceeded as usual. It's taken all these years to realize that maybe the hospital will provide service, even if a patient doesn't relieve them of all liability.

Anyway, if you don't like releasing your provider of reasonable liabilities, I urge you to see what happens if you don't sign the releases.

1 comment posted: Thursday, August 12th, 2021

Would you rather be WS or BS, ifyou had a choice?

This question used to come up pretty regularly, but I haven't seen it for a while, so ...

If your life has to include infidelity, would you rather be a BS or a WS?

105 comments posted: Monday, August 2nd, 2021

Small weather problem

I ride a bicycle. I rode a lot when I was younger, 40 years ago. I didn't ride from '92-'95, 97-'02, and '03-'13.

Since 2013, I've aimed at riding more each year than the year before and riding more in each month than the same month in previous years, with allowances for health issues - like I rode less in July '20 than July '19, because I got a pacemaker last year.

I've generally met my goals.

My main goal, though, is to enjoy the rides, not distance. I like warm, sunny days. I don't like cloudy rides. I avoid rain like the plague. Through 2019, I stayed home if the probability of rain was higher than 15% (per Weather Underground). Last year, I upped that to 25%. Through 2019, I stayed home if wind was predicted to be over 15 mph. Starting this year, I've upped that to 20-ish mph.

Weather has deteriorated. Of course, it doesn't help that my tolerance for cold has gone way down. I now seem to need long sleeves below 75 degrees. I think it was 1983 that I did a Christmas day ride at 35 degrees.... (In '81 or '82, i worked on Christmas. W and son took a ride in 72 degree weather, and son told me someone on the Northwestern campus whistled at my W/his mom. )

I did great last year, until I lost 4 weeks recovering from the pacer insertion.

I was doing even better this year - until this week. When I went to bed last night, I was looking at 9 straight days with probability of rain much higher than I like. That would mean not making my June mileage goal and having a bad start for July.

I was on my way to 1500 miles this year. I was on my way to easily riding my age + 1 (in km, alas, not miles) before the end of July.

I just never expected this much rain in June and July.

True, in previous years I sometimes had to choose between watching the Tour de France and riding (I almost always chose riding over watching), so I can watch the first week of the race uninterrupted.

But I'd rather ride.

I just don't like getting wet.

Ah, well, I can be pretty sure the weather predictions will change....

*****

I sympathize with fellow riders out west who have to deal with the heat wave.

I think I could deal with that by riding even slower than usual. That's what I do when it hits the 90s here. Of course, there's a big difference between 90s and 110s.

*****

And did you catch Alaphilippe today? (Man, I hope he isn't drugged. )

How about those crashes? I hope they identify the spectator who caused the first one.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:56 PM, June 26th (Saturday)]

5 comments posted: Saturday, June 26th, 2021

This is D-Day

Late, but ... June 6, 1944, the reason I use lower case for other days in other forums.

June 6, 1944 was a day of untold pain for thousands of parents, siblings, wives, cousins, children. It was a day that meant life and death to thousands of people. A cousin told me of switching places on the deck of an LST with a buddy, only to see his buddy lose his life a few minutes later.

Thank a vet today, especially a grandparent, especially one who landed in Normandy.

6 comments posted: Sunday, June 6th, 2021

Empathy

Many BSes post that they want their WSes to fully understand the hurt they're inflicted.

I understand that, but I think it's unnecessary and impossible.

Consider:

Have you ever had sex that you thought was sublime, but your partner thought was so-so?

Have you ever had sex that your partner thought was sublime and you thought was so-so?

Have you ever described joy to your partner so they could share your joy? How did that work out? In my cae, I know my W is happy for me, and I know that usually she feels a little better knowing that I'm happy.

But I also know she'll never really comprehend the joy I feel on my bike, since she doesn't ride. I'll never understand the joy she feels when she sings, though I feel my own joy on those rare times I get part of a song right.

I can sympathize with a person who feels bad, but I just can't see how I can know what/how another person feels. And that means I can't expect another person to know much about my feelings.

After d-day, I just wanted to stop feeling the grief, fear, shame and anger I felt. Sure, I wanted my W to feel bad, too, but I never could figure out how her feeling bad for betraying me would help me process my feelings.

Thoughts?

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:52 PM, May 1st (Saturday)]

55 comments posted: Saturday, May 1st, 2021

Thoughts on old phones?

I'm interested in getting a new phone. We use cell phones almost exclusively for talking and texting. Camera is secondary. We use very little mobile data. I'd still be using my Samsung Galaxy S4, except that the technology changed, and the S4 won't connect to our bank or (gulp) Strava (I compete only against myself).

I've had good luck with used phones in the past, and I'm writing to see if anyone here can share experience with these phones:

Pixel 3/3XL vs Samsung Galaxy S9 vs new Nokia 5.4.

I'm considering the Nokia because it's Android One.

Thanks in advance.

14 comments posted: Tuesday, April 27th, 2021

network help requested

Every so often my laptop loses wi-fi connectivity. I'm trying to figure out if it's my router or my laptop.

During these episodes I can't 'see' any wi-fi networks. That would indicate it's a problem in my laptop, right? If the problem were my router, I'd be able to see other networks, but I just wouldn't be able to connect to mine.

Drivers and security for Win 10 are up to date. NIC is set not to turn off to save power. Wi-fi power is set to max.

Laptop is 6 years old. With 8 GB RAM and SSD, it's fast enough for me, and the battery remains good. I'd hate to buy a new laptop just because the NIC went bad.

Odds are it's the NIC, right? (If my reasoning is correct, I'll probably get a USB NIC to solve the problem.)

Am I missing something here?

Thanks in advance.

5 comments posted: Friday, March 26th, 2021

Seeking (network) router help...

I've got a Linksys EA6300 router that sits about 8 unobstructed feet away from me. Per InSSIDer (home version) it bounces between a very strong signal (-35dB) and a very weak signal (-82dB) on the 5 GHz band.

Is it likely to be a brick? Would dd-wrt be likely to fix this? I ask because I can't install and test dd-wrt now. If it's likely to be a brick, I'll just get it out of the apartment today, which plainsong will appreciate.

I've got this router connected via cat-5 to another router in another room that connect to our cable modem. Signal strength from that router is OK, but I'd like to be able to use wifi on the EA6300.

Thanks in advance.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:35 PM, February 4th (Thursday)]

7 comments posted: Thursday, February 4th, 2021

I don't get it (H G T V House Hunters content)

I really enjoy the House Hunters set of programs, but a couple of things bug me a lot.

1) One of the buyers usually comments that the really like the fact that the bedroom is brightly lit, or one says the bedroom is too dark.

Absence of light usually helps people sleep. Isn't a bright BR a negative? Isn't a dark one a Good Thing?

2) When people are looking for a house in a seaside location, no one mentions hurricanes or rising sea levels.

I can understand that in Maine, but in Florida? the Gulf Coast? the Caribbean?

Do you think the buyers discuss the possibility of 'canes off camera, or do they just not recognize the possibility?

Yeah, I know - you can't read their minds.

28 comments posted: Friday, January 29th, 2021

A partial view from 10 years out

Ten years ago today, d-day.

At 10 years, A-related triggers are few, infrequent, and not very intense. Today started out difficult, though my mood has improved as the day has progressed. It’s not a giant trigger, as it was in 2010 and 2011, but it’s been more intense than it’s been for the last several years.

I look back on d-day and think I did a damned good job. For example, my W offered a hall pass, and I rejected it immediately – I just sensed it would add to our issues.

It took me about 15 seconds to reject the pick-me dance. My life seemed to flash before my eyes in those first moments, and I thought I had been a good enough H, not perfect by any means, but I did not deserve to be betrayed. That led directly to thinking she cheated because of her own issues, not because of me. Even if she blamed me for her A (I don't remember her ever blameshifting), I knew it was about her.

Also, pick-me seemed to be a losing strategy from the start; I think I considered it and rejected it almost immediately. She cheated for her own reasons. If my W stayed, it had to be for her own reasons. I realized I had to be myself. If we stayed together, she had to want to be with me as I was/am.

Besides, the pick-me dance is me courting her. Why should I court her when she had done the damage to our M? If we were to stay together, she had to show me she was worth the effort.

I knew immediately that she betrayed herself before she betrayed me. I knew that didn’t mitigate my pain. As I’ve indicated, I knew immediately that I wanted to R, and I asked her what she wanted. She said she wanted R. But wants are one thing, and what we actually were going to do was another.

*****

W set up a session for us with her IC on d-day. I approached it reluctantly, since her IC owed allegiance to W, but in the event, W’s IC started us off with the A – what was I feeling? Did I know what I wanted to do? Did I know what I wanted from my W?

One thing was answers, so IC told my W something like, ‘If you want to R, answer every question he asks that doesn’t break confidentiality.’ (W legally owed confidentiality to ow.) IOW, she could answer any question I asked about her thoughts, feelings, and actions, but she couldn’t answer questions about what ow said or did.

It took me a while, but I realized that it wasn’t what ow said or did that mattered – it was my W’s interpretation of ow’s communications and actions. Eventually I got the info I wanted by crafting my questions carefully. That's what I tell myself, at any rate.

Most people don’t have to do that. The limitation W’s IC put on my W’s answers taught me, however, that the ap is almost irrelevant. I don’t think BSes really need to know much about what the ap did or said – what counts is what the WS did, said, and thought.

I got the answers I needed by focusing my questions on my W. Her answers told me 2 things. First, her non-verbal communications told me, I thought, that she had become honest, and that made her a candidate for R; that is, I thought she was honest, so R was possible if she continued to say she wanted R. Second, my questions didn’t uncover any deal breakers, which made me a candidate for R.

If I had thought her answers were dishonest, or if she had revealed a deal killer, I hope I’d have taken R off the table, but who knows?

We R’ed. I’m all for R, but it’s critical to remember we both wanted to R, and we both did our work. If the WS won’t do the work, R is impossible. If the BS doesn’t want to R, R is impossible.

*****

The ap doesn’t count. It doesn’t matter if the ap manipulated your WS into the A, or if your WS manipulated the ap into the A, or if they just fell into the A from being friends with inadequate boundaries. What matters for the BS is to process the grief, anger, fear, and shame out of their body. What matters for the WS is to change from betrayer to good partner.

My grief, anger, fear, and shame were my problems. I was the only one who could process the feelings out of my body. Your grief, anger, fear, and shame are your problems. You are the only one who can process the feelings out of yours.

*****

Advice:

Above all, surviving and thriving after being betrayed requires taking responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, and actions and letting go of trying to control the outcome. You be you. Accept that other people will be themselves. All you have to and can do is respond.

Figure out what you want, even though you may not be able to get it. Don’t judge your wants until you know what they are. Don’t evaluate the attainability of your wants until you know what they are.

Consider all your options - R, D, and waiting to gather more info. If you can't countenance one option or another, you're doing yourself a disservice. Don’t let pride get in the way of getting what you want. Some people are going to try to shame you if you choose R; others will try to shame you if you choose D. Find the best possible solution for you, irrespective of what you think others may think.

Accept your anger, grief, fear, and shame. Feel them; don't swallow them. Those feelings come with being betrayed, no matter what caused the betrayal. Those feelings come with being betrayed no matter whether you D, R, wait to get more info, or even rug-sweep.

The sooner you deal with your feelings, the sooner you will be healed.

The A is not about you. The A is rooted in your WS’s unwillingness to confront and resolve their own issues. The A is not due to some failing in you, so you can hold your head high.

An A usually comes close to demolishing the BS’s self-esteem because of all the negative self-talk we pick up as we live. Specifically, we pick up a lot of messages telling us that an A happens because the BS doesn’t meet the WS’s needs. If you feel shame or humiliation, it’s because of messages you are sending yourself. Those messages are bullshit. It’s really hard to be flat-out wrong, but those messages are flat-out wrong. The fact is that shame and humiliation belong to the WS, not the BS.

You are stronger than you think. You have the strength to heal. You have the strength to D. You have the strength to R, if your partner commits to doing the work. You have the strength to hold off making a decision until you feel comfortable making that decision.

You don’t have to forgive. If you do, forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. Forgiving doesn’t mean the A(s) were OK. It just means – this is my definition; yours may be different – you no longer want to punish your WS for cheating. It just means you have found better uses for your energy than revenge.

Being betrayed gives you an opportunity to rebuild yourself – stronger, wiser, more loving, more lovable, more capable, and more effective. That opportunity is available to virtually everyone impacted by infidelity, and taking advantage of the opportunity is the best way to survive and thrive.

*****

There's a lot more rattling around in my brain, too much for a single post. 10 years is a long time, at least in some ways.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:01 PM, December 22nd (Tuesday)]

17 comments posted: Tuesday, December 22nd, 2020

My mom died yesterday

She was over 100 years old and ready. She told us again and again not to cry for her, because she had a good life. She never said we couldn't cry for ourselves and our loss.

This was sudden, despite her age. I was counting on next year, and I was counting on traveling for her next birthday. I'm glad she was spared a slow decline. (I'm really glad I was spared having to choose to pull the plug.)

She hasn't been too active physically for the past couple of years, but she's been getting around. She went out to eat when visitors came. She ate in her facility's dining room most days. She lost so many friends, but she made new ones.

Her short term memory had disappeared, but there were things that interested her, and her memory worked pretty well for that. She had a zoom conversation with a friend yesterday, and they talked politics and good memories of Thanksgivings. (Until this year, we have been together on Thanksgiving almost every year since 1994.)

She made sure she voted this year. She read (I typed 'reads') the newspaper every day. (I have to cancel her subscription.)

I'm in pretty good shape so far. This comes as a shock. I feel the loss. I'm convinced she wanted the end to come. Thanksgiving was an important holiday for her. If she started a new life or a new part of life, I think she's thankful today.

But I feel the loss.

Thanks for reading.

76 comments posted: Thursday, November 26th, 2020

Recompense and Reconciliation

To those in R for several years:

What do you think your WS took from you by conducting the A(s)?

Did your WS compensate you for what you lost?

*****

What do I think my W took from me by conducting the A(s)?

She shattered a number of illusions. She took time away from me. She took a lot of pleasure away from me, by being unavailable for fun things I wanted to do. IIRC, we missed a couple of Chicago Symphony concerts at $100/each - but the programs weren't all that exciting. Her lies/gaslighting caused me to doubt myself on a lot of levels. I let my health go. I over-ate and gained back weight I had worked hard to lose. Finances suffered - my self-doubt killed my business; her A killed hers. That's just off the top of my head.

Did she compensate me for my losses?

Yes and no.

IMO, there's no way to compensate a BS for the BS's losses, partly because so few of the losses are measurable and partly because so many of the losses (all of them?) involve lost time to some extent, and we can't get lost time back.

OTOH, recovering from and life after her A involve living mindfully, focusing on getting what I want even if I have to ask for it, noticing and giving her what she wants. I think we're both more real and more present. Since we like each other, realness and presence are gifts to be given, received, and enjoyed.

We've become better individuals and better partners because of the work we've done. We always were as good as we could be, but we ignored some internal and external issues. We attend to more of them now.

Life is better than before my W's A. If life is growth and being real, I think we've grown and adjusted to growth more quickly since the A than before the A. I think we're better off now than if we had continued the path we were on pre-A.

I'm not saying the A made our lives better. The work we did made our lives better. We made our lives better. The A was a crisis that needed a response, and that's how we responded.

But the losses we both suffered because of W's dysfunctions (not to mention mine ) - I didn't get what I'd call recompense, although I do think I got a better life and a better partner.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:40 PM, November 15th (Sunday)]

11 comments posted: Sunday, November 15th, 2020

Architect vs. engineer?

Anyone here have expertise in the area of balcony reconstruction and the respective skills of architects and structural engineers?

Consider a 5 storey building with a bunch of balconies on the top 4 floors.

Do we need an engineer or an architect to evaluate each balcony to see what repairs they need, if any? Or can either do the work?

My concern is safety, not looks.

Thanks.

5 comments posted: Friday, October 30th, 2020

2 anniversaries

I met W2b 55 years ago this week. We got married 53 years ago this week.

We're pretty happy, and I decided to share.

We met the first day of our senior year in college. She seemed like a prissy grade-grubber at first. (Her GPA was almost double mine.) I was wrong. It took me a few weeks to figure that out. We got together in October, 1965.

As usual, my mind id boggled.

Dinner at a nice restaurant tonight, followed, I expect, with an installment or 2 of The Amazing Detective Di Renjie 2 on Amazon Prime.

Gotta find out how Judge Di defeats the Sheling conspiracy. Gotta find out how Yuanfang loses the love of his life. (I mention this show specifically, because you might find it enjoyable.)

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:12 PM, September 17th (Thursday)]

20 comments posted: Thursday, September 17th, 2020

drafting problem

** POSTING AS A MEMBER **

quote] Genetically speaking we are surprisingly close to a fruit fly. This shows that small differences make for huge changes.

Not just our blue-prints but also our operating systems are encoded in our genes.

How do you presume to think you know what human behavior comes from nature and what part comes from nurture?

This was supposed to be in a quote box: Genetically speaking we are surprisingly close to a fruit fly. This shows that small differences make for huge changes.

Not just our blue-prints but also our operating systems are encoded in our genes.

When I typed it, it looked right, but when I submitted it,it was published without the quote.

1 comment posted: Tuesday, August 11th, 2020

I could use a spy camera

Not infidelity-related, but I seek some investigative help. I'm being harassed at my condo. Someone dumps trash on the hood of my car every so often. I'd like to find out who it is.

I'm looking for a small video camera with long battery-charge life, motion-sensing, decent image.

The difficulty I'm finding is that the cameras I see on amazon are good for a couple of hours. I need 24 hours, and I have no idea how much power that requires, so I don't know how big an external battery I would need.

Any suggestions? Has anyone used any spy camera? Do you have an reco about ones that work well and ones that don't?

Thanks.

2 comments posted: Friday, July 31st, 2020

Mini-G2G, Chicago North shore, October 26

Interested? If so, please post your definite yes or maybe yes. Starting at maybe 5 PM, but flexible.

Pizza at our place. Salad, too, but there's already vegies in the tomato sauce. Also something to drink. Maybe dessert. Eating utensils will be available. No tablecloths.

Low key. Food and conversation.

BSes - WSes - friends of BSes & WSes - all welcome.

If you have food allergies, PM plainsong. She can't eat pizza, so accommodating another person with food allergies should be pretty easy.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:25 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]

19 comments posted: Thursday, September 12th, 2019

Chicago Area g2g possible

Neither my W nor I are up for planning a weekend g2g, but we are up for hosting on a Friday, Saturday, or Sunday afternoon and/or evening in late October or early November.

November 2 has been suggested, since NU is playing football away that day, and we're in the free parking area for NU games.

I guess another alternative is after an NU game.

If there's enough interest, we'll do it. If someone else wants to do an evening, that's great - just let me know.

If you are interested, let us all know if you prefer a one day or a weekend, and what date(s) are best for you.

A little background:

All SI members and their guests are welcome. An SI member is welcome even without a guest. G2Gs are not for kids, though a very young baby may work.

Conversation has always been wide-ranging at the g2gs I've attended. I assume it will be wide-ranging this time, too.

No one will be forced to talk. (You can get plainsong to talk by mentioning books you've read. )

You can come even if you're scared. Really, it's nice to be with people you know are impacted by infidelity.

I'm sure I've forgotten something.

11 comments posted: Wednesday, August 7th, 2019

It happened, and I saw it!

Out for a bike ride with my local club this morning. Stopped at a sweet shop, I guess - pastries, coffee, gelato - before lunch, but some of my fellow riders indulged in some of the offerings.

We sat around talking for longer than expected while the sweets were being consumed and decided to eat lunch at a restaurant close to the sweet shop.

Some folks actually ate dessert first! I feel so honored to have witnessed it!

(I did not indulge. I just had some coffee, which was enough.)

5 comments posted: Friday, June 28th, 2019

A good movie, Free movies via your public library

Good movie - Mad Hot Ballroom, a documentary on middle school kids in NYC preparing for ballroom dancing competitions. Man, I finally learned the dance frame for Rumba through this movie! Everybody needs to know how to do that!

We viewed this through a web service called 'Kanopy' - lots of good movies there. It's free via our local library and well worthwhile.

I urge you all to ask your local library if they offer the service. If they do, all you need to sign on is a library card.

'Hoopla Digital' is in some ways a similar service, though the selection of movies doesn't look that great. OTOH, the also loan out ebooks and music.

Also free to library users around here, and maybe free to you, wherever you are.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:02 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

2 comments posted: Sunday, May 19th, 2019

Sharing a great run of good fiction

I've been really lucky lately in the books I've picked up at the library, and I want to share some of the titles.

Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres

The Good Earth - Pearl Buck

Sons - Pearl Buck

House Divided - Pearl Buck (These 3 form a trilogy)

All Men Are Brothers - Pearl Buck

Six Four - Hideo Yokoyama

Ghost Bride - Yangsze Choo

Night Tiger - Yangsze Choo

Concubinage is a small-ish part of The Good Earth trilogy, so it may be triggering for LTA survivors. Illicit sex, but not adultery IIRC, is in Night Tiger.

I'm also reading Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury, so I deserve a break.

5 comments posted: Friday, April 12th, 2019

Up yours, A B C!

So I'm watching the Michigan-MD game, and ABC is showing an ad with some of the great marching bands of the so-called Big Ten.

But the so-and-sos don't show the great marching bands. Why advertise something that is unavailable?

Up yours, NU, too! (That's Northwestern U.)

Stop putting on fake, dangerous noise crap at your home games and let your great band play!

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:18 PM, October 6th (Saturday)]

6 comments posted: Saturday, October 6th, 2018

1945-2016

There was a time that the Cubs won the pennant every 3 years, but that stopped long ago.

Raise a glass to the Chicago Cubs.

(signed) sisoon, who bleeds Dodger blue and is happy for the Cubs

10 comments posted: Saturday, October 22nd, 2016

Chicago area g2g in the Fall?

In June, '15, I said there's be a Chicago area g2g in late June of this year. Alas, life intervened.

But plainsong and I are again interested in helping to set something up, maybe late October or early November, if folks are interested.

Who's in, probable, maybe?

10 comments posted: Saturday, July 23rd, 2016

Double Standards

5 year old grand son is visiting us. I've played chess, blackjack, Sorry, war, and a few other games with him.

He has to win. He changes the rules so he wins. He reframes what constitutes winning in his favor. He slips in 2 moves before I can move once.

My son, his father, is forever talking to him about playing by the rules and sportsmanship. He my son) has ended games between GS & me when GS's cheating has crossed some boundary of his.

I think GS's cheating and reframing is adorable. He cracks me up.

But, boy, I used to get pissed off when my son did it when he was 5....

7 comments posted: Friday, January 2nd, 2015

Seeking input from swing dancers...

Just back from a road trip. Naturally, I played a lot of Little Richard music, not to mention ... oh, I shouldn't mention....

That stuff is fast! Do you actually dance to Long, Tall Sally or Rip It Up, etc.??? Can you stay on the beat????

I'd get lost at the 2nd beat....

9 comments posted: Monday, December 1st, 2014

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