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Newest Member: JCD7213

I Can Relate :
Betrayed Menz Thread - Part 34

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Notthevictem ( member #44389) posted at 7:53 PM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

Haha, these jokes are awesome!

BH: Me 37 WW: Her 41DDAY Mar 2014 Washington StateWidowed - breast cancer

posts: 13420   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Washington State
id 8729425
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somanyyears ( member #26970) posted at 10:12 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

..@ alucard...wanting the AP dead is probably the most common of revenge fantasies, especially when it's the friend you 'thought' they were! I told my friend in his fancy law office I would have killed him if I'd owned a gun. Instead, I spit in his face, swept everything on his big 'lawyer'desk onto the floor and told him that I would live to see him dead and would piss and dance on his grave!!

Well..that came true. The little fucker got a big whopping brain tumor and died...aged 57. Left behind his parents, brother, his second wife and two young boys. I have visited his grave several times with a full bladder... and wearing my 'dancing shoes'.. laugh

I like to think he grew his brain tumor from years of guilt over his betrayals. I'll bet he thought about my hate and worried every day that I might act on that hate. Looking over his shoulder, never knowing if a bullet was waiting around the next corner??

I got my revenge on him... I just didn't have to take revenge on him. The spit dripping off his face and the open door to his office for all the legal staff to hear the ruckus, was a sight I'll never forget. rolleyes

My profile has the full poop on this lifetime of betrayal. Wishing you the best life has to offer from this day forward.

smy

trust no other human- love only your pets. Reconciled I think!Me 74 Her 70 Married 49 yrs. 18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer. Little fucker died at 57.Brain tumor!

posts: 6010   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2009   ·   location: Ontario Canada
id 8729646
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DogGoneIt ( new member #79698) posted at 8:06 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

Dear Mr AP, or DC as I believe that's how you appeared in my wife's phone. 3 years out I hate to admit you still pop in my mind every now and then. Not too often but just enough to want to type it out. Just knowing you're out there somewhere bugs me. The fact that you're most likely still a licensed mental health professional bugs me. I still get the random thought of bumping in to you at a bar and looking you in they eye. Even if you showed an once of remorse I know no good would come from it. I wouldn't believe a single syllable spewed from your mouth. So I accept and continue on. I'm already conflicted for giving you this much attention. You don't give 2 sh*ts about me so why should I likewise. Maybe the nicest thing I can say is you're probably just some guy with your own set of problems.
I hope to never meet you.

As the journey continues and I mull over this life, I find myself spending more time on a different set of questions. What does it mean to be a good man? Does it matter? Does integrity even matter these days? I often tell my boss what he wants to hear "yup we're on it". So much easier than the truth "nope forgot all about it". How much of life is just coping? How well do I handle failure? Do I give myself enough grace? Why even be vulnerable anymore? What does living well look like?

My bad for wasting your time with this DC, this doesn't pertain to you anymore. Just like I wouldn't be asking Charles Barkley for golf tips. And I realize that the only person with anything to prove is my wife. Anyways back to my musings on life...

So if I trust my experience, my journey through hell, I have to conclude that it does matter. I can accept that it wasn't personal, but my soul has been affected. Because of someone else's actions. That is hell of a thing. It wasn't a car accident. It wasn't cancer. It was a series of decisions by the person that vowed never to do so, and now I'm fundamentally changed. A hell of a thing.

So if I conclude that it does matter then I will continue to choose to treat people well, or at least how I'd like to be treated. I'll continue to engage in life. I don't ever want to get used to what it feels like to break my word. I don't want to be numb. I choose to be vulnerable again even with this massive scar. I want to believe that people are for the most part good, dealing with their own baggage. I don't want to take from others to feel better. I'll take responsibility for my emotions. I don't ever want to be looking over my shoulder. I don't want to be bitter as I age. I love that I can look myself in the mirror and respect what I see. I love getting together with friends for a drink. I want to take time to do what I enjoy. I need to keep working on my short game. My irons are giving me a lot of trouble as of late for some reason. Used to be my sweet spot. I keep squandering drives 290 out center fairway.

BH mid 40sDDay
March 2019
Reconciling

posts: 5   ·   registered: Dec. 21st, 2021
id 8731280
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 8:22 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

Powerful post, DogGoneIt.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27090   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8731287
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Tred ( member #34086) posted at 9:08 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

Good post DogGoneIt. It really got to me when I heard you were squandering 290 yard center fairway drives. That shit hurts.

Married: 24 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

posts: 5815   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2011
id 8731296
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Brew3x ( member #72052) posted at 2:28 PM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

DogGoneit great post i really related to it.
I spend a lot of time thinking of my W’s DC, Danny z. I drive in traffic like a zombie creating scenarios where I caught them or I run into him at a store or restaurant and white hot rage boils up from inside of me. Often in these day dreams I smash his face in until it looks like ground beef or shoot his dick off or much worse. Then I think of how much Of a POS he is multiple DUI’s, violated a restraining order against his ex, drinking problem etc….
My w said she knew she was in an A when Danny Z said "I know you’re married but I don’t care" she said she didn’t really respond but I keep telling her that any response other than my marriage is important to me is "I don’t care either"

I too think about being a good man. By all accounts I am a good man but the A has created this desire to be better, although I don’t know how to do that. My traffic day dreams make me feel like a monster.

It’s asparagus season here in MA and my fruit trees are in bloom, my favorite time of year, I’ll hang onto that for now.

posts: 243   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2019   ·   location: MA
id 8731422
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StrugglingCJ ( member #72778) posted at 6:47 PM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

Thank you dogoneit for your words they resonated with me as well.. The actions of my WW changed me from the guy I was to the guy I am now and I am trying to recover myself from the pit I found myself in. Yes I had the thoughts of harming the AP, the thoughts of walking away from my family to spare myself more pain and torment. Yet I didn't, I stayed, I dealt with each day and further issues that have arisen since then.
Yes I have not been perfect, I have argued with my WW over things that did not need arguing over, I have withheld affection purely because I was not in the mood at that point, I have spent time obsessing over her A when I should have been being a dad.
But I am trying to do better each day, I spend time each and every day with all of my kids and set aside time with my WW. I have given up being concerned about the AP, his life is his own and short of winning the lottery I know where it will be headed, my life is mine, and I plan to make the very best of it.

WW caught in EA May 17
DDay Mar 19 it was full PA
Struggling for R, but still trying.

posts: 241   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2020   ·   location: Essex
id 8731471
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 9:55 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

I believe that our thoughts affect the universe. I believe that having nasty thoughts does harm to the universe.

But I also can't forget that we're human. I'm simply not perfect, and I'm not a saint. I also believe that no one is perfect, and that very few of us are saints. And I fully believe that acknowledging my own selfishness is better than pretending it doesn't exist.

Similarly with revenge fantasies. Having them may hurt the universe, but they may be a phase that BSes and other truly victimized people simply have to experience. Or ... maybe the fantasies of revenge keep us from exacting revenge, which would really damage the universe. If that's the case, being a better person IS letting the fantasies flow....

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27090   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8731703
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Brew3x ( member #72052) posted at 12:36 AM on Monday, April 25th, 2022

Sisoon that’s an interesting concept that our thoughts affect the universe, I’m going to think about that further.
I feel like the fantasies are helping me to release anger. Like you said it may also be helping me to not act out.

posts: 243   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2019   ·   location: MA
id 8731739
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HeartFullOfHoles ( member #42874) posted at 2:54 AM on Monday, April 25th, 2022

To me a fantasy is a really cheap form of virtual reality grin . Thoughts do change our brains, especially when they are repeated, so it's best to change your mind in a productive/beneficial way when possible.

I never thought too much about revenge on OM. For one thing he was a significant distance away and he was in the process/had just lost his wife so I get he was completely lost and was just looking for someone to fill a hole in his life. Which was clearly shown by him being married to someone else long before my EX and I had completed our divorce. Apparently my EX wasn't that special to him.

I never think of him and am getting to the point where I don't even think of my EX that much anymore, but that shit can come back too quickly when she decides to open her mouth and let the dysfunction out. At this point in time I have given up hope that she will ever change and since NC is an option that's now the de facto solution.

I hope everyone is doing well.

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 781   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8731762
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StrugglingCJ ( member #72778) posted at 10:30 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

Hi guys, this is not quite on topic, but I have been planning to brick pave part of our garden for a while and am now biting the bullet and will be doing it in June. I have a week off work so that I can do it at a steady pace (post heart attack). Any advice out there from any that have previously done this, and any thing I should be more cautious of?

WW caught in EA May 17
DDay Mar 19 it was full PA
Struggling for R, but still trying.

posts: 241   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2020   ·   location: Essex
id 8734991
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