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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Menz Thread - Part 34

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Notthevictem ( member #44389) posted at 7:53 PM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

Haha, these jokes are awesome!

BH: Me 37 WW: Her 41DDAY Mar 2014 Washington StateWidowed - breast cancer

posts: 13420   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Washington State
id 8729425
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somanyyears ( member #26970) posted at 10:12 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

..@ alucard...wanting the AP dead is probably the most common of revenge fantasies, especially when it's the friend you 'thought' they were! I told my friend in his fancy law office I would have killed him if I'd owned a gun. Instead, I spit in his face, swept everything on his big 'lawyer'desk onto the floor and told him that I would live to see him dead and would piss and dance on his grave!!

Well..that came true. The little fucker got a big whopping brain tumor and died...aged 57. Left behind his parents, brother, his second wife and two young boys. I have visited his grave several times with a full bladder... and wearing my 'dancing shoes'.. laugh

I like to think he grew his brain tumor from years of guilt over his betrayals. I'll bet he thought about my hate and worried every day that I might act on that hate. Looking over his shoulder, never knowing if a bullet was waiting around the next corner??

I got my revenge on him... I just didn't have to take revenge on him. The spit dripping off his face and the open door to his office for all the legal staff to hear the ruckus, was a sight I'll never forget. rolleyes

My profile has the full poop on this lifetime of betrayal. Wishing you the best life has to offer from this day forward.

smy

trust no other human- love only your pets. Reconciled I think!Me 74 Her 70 Married 49 yrs. 18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer. Little fucker died at 57.Brain tumor!

posts: 6016   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2009   ·   location: Ontario Canada
id 8729646
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DogGoneIt ( new member #79698) posted at 8:06 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

Dear Mr AP, or DC as I believe that's how you appeared in my wife's phone. 3 years out I hate to admit you still pop in my mind every now and then. Not too often but just enough to want to type it out. Just knowing you're out there somewhere bugs me. The fact that you're most likely still a licensed mental health professional bugs me. I still get the random thought of bumping in to you at a bar and looking you in they eye. Even if you showed an once of remorse I know no good would come from it. I wouldn't believe a single syllable spewed from your mouth. So I accept and continue on. I'm already conflicted for giving you this much attention. You don't give 2 sh*ts about me so why should I likewise. Maybe the nicest thing I can say is you're probably just some guy with your own set of problems.
I hope to never meet you.

As the journey continues and I mull over this life, I find myself spending more time on a different set of questions. What does it mean to be a good man? Does it matter? Does integrity even matter these days? I often tell my boss what he wants to hear "yup we're on it". So much easier than the truth "nope forgot all about it". How much of life is just coping? How well do I handle failure? Do I give myself enough grace? Why even be vulnerable anymore? What does living well look like?

My bad for wasting your time with this DC, this doesn't pertain to you anymore. Just like I wouldn't be asking Charles Barkley for golf tips. And I realize that the only person with anything to prove is my wife. Anyways back to my musings on life...

So if I trust my experience, my journey through hell, I have to conclude that it does matter. I can accept that it wasn't personal, but my soul has been affected. Because of someone else's actions. That is hell of a thing. It wasn't a car accident. It wasn't cancer. It was a series of decisions by the person that vowed never to do so, and now I'm fundamentally changed. A hell of a thing.

So if I conclude that it does matter then I will continue to choose to treat people well, or at least how I'd like to be treated. I'll continue to engage in life. I don't ever want to get used to what it feels like to break my word. I don't want to be numb. I choose to be vulnerable again even with this massive scar. I want to believe that people are for the most part good, dealing with their own baggage. I don't want to take from others to feel better. I'll take responsibility for my emotions. I don't ever want to be looking over my shoulder. I don't want to be bitter as I age. I love that I can look myself in the mirror and respect what I see. I love getting together with friends for a drink. I want to take time to do what I enjoy. I need to keep working on my short game. My irons are giving me a lot of trouble as of late for some reason. Used to be my sweet spot. I keep squandering drives 290 out center fairway.

BH mid 40sDDay March 2019Reconciling

posts: 8   ·   registered: Dec. 21st, 2021
id 8731280
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 8:22 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

Powerful post, DogGoneIt.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27570   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8731287
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Tred ( member #34086) posted at 9:08 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

Good post DogGoneIt. It really got to me when I heard you were squandering 290 yard center fairway drives. That shit hurts.

Married: 24 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

posts: 5823   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2011
id 8731296
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Brew3x ( member #72052) posted at 2:28 PM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

DogGoneit great post i really related to it.
I spend a lot of time thinking of my W’s DC, Danny z. I drive in traffic like a zombie creating scenarios where I caught them or I run into him at a store or restaurant and white hot rage boils up from inside of me. Often in these day dreams I smash his face in until it looks like ground beef or shoot his dick off or much worse. Then I think of how much Of a POS he is multiple DUI’s, violated a restraining order against his ex, drinking problem etc….
My w said she knew she was in an A when Danny Z said "I know you’re married but I don’t care" she said she didn’t really respond but I keep telling her that any response other than my marriage is important to me is "I don’t care either"

I too think about being a good man. By all accounts I am a good man but the A has created this desire to be better, although I don’t know how to do that. My traffic day dreams make me feel like a monster.

It’s asparagus season here in MA and my fruit trees are in bloom, my favorite time of year, I’ll hang onto that for now.

posts: 248   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2019   ·   location: MA
id 8731422
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StrugglingCJ ( member #72778) posted at 6:47 PM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

Thank you dogoneit for your words they resonated with me as well.. The actions of my WW changed me from the guy I was to the guy I am now and I am trying to recover myself from the pit I found myself in. Yes I had the thoughts of harming the AP, the thoughts of walking away from my family to spare myself more pain and torment. Yet I didn't, I stayed, I dealt with each day and further issues that have arisen since then.
Yes I have not been perfect, I have argued with my WW over things that did not need arguing over, I have withheld affection purely because I was not in the mood at that point, I have spent time obsessing over her A when I should have been being a dad.
But I am trying to do better each day, I spend time each and every day with all of my kids and set aside time with my WW. I have given up being concerned about the AP, his life is his own and short of winning the lottery I know where it will be headed, my life is mine, and I plan to make the very best of it.

WW caught in EA May 17
DDay Mar 19 it was full PA
Struggling for R, but still trying.

posts: 252   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2020   ·   location: Essex
id 8731471
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 9:55 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

I believe that our thoughts affect the universe. I believe that having nasty thoughts does harm to the universe.

But I also can't forget that we're human. I'm simply not perfect, and I'm not a saint. I also believe that no one is perfect, and that very few of us are saints. And I fully believe that acknowledging my own selfishness is better than pretending it doesn't exist.

Similarly with revenge fantasies. Having them may hurt the universe, but they may be a phase that BSes and other truly victimized people simply have to experience. Or ... maybe the fantasies of revenge keep us from exacting revenge, which would really damage the universe. If that's the case, being a better person IS letting the fantasies flow....

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27570   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8731703
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Brew3x ( member #72052) posted at 12:36 AM on Monday, April 25th, 2022

Sisoon that’s an interesting concept that our thoughts affect the universe, I’m going to think about that further.
I feel like the fantasies are helping me to release anger. Like you said it may also be helping me to not act out.

posts: 248   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2019   ·   location: MA
id 8731739
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HeartFullOfHoles ( member #42874) posted at 2:54 AM on Monday, April 25th, 2022

To me a fantasy is a really cheap form of virtual reality grin . Thoughts do change our brains, especially when they are repeated, so it's best to change your mind in a productive/beneficial way when possible.

I never thought too much about revenge on OM. For one thing he was a significant distance away and he was in the process/had just lost his wife so I get he was completely lost and was just looking for someone to fill a hole in his life. Which was clearly shown by him being married to someone else long before my EX and I had completed our divorce. Apparently my EX wasn't that special to him.

I never think of him and am getting to the point where I don't even think of my EX that much anymore, but that shit can come back too quickly when she decides to open her mouth and let the dysfunction out. At this point in time I have given up hope that she will ever change and since NC is an option that's now the de facto solution.

I hope everyone is doing well.

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 781   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8731762
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StrugglingCJ ( member #72778) posted at 10:30 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

Hi guys, this is not quite on topic, but I have been planning to brick pave part of our garden for a while and am now biting the bullet and will be doing it in June. I have a week off work so that I can do it at a steady pace (post heart attack). Any advice out there from any that have previously done this, and any thing I should be more cautious of?

WW caught in EA May 17
DDay Mar 19 it was full PA
Struggling for R, but still trying.

posts: 252   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2020   ·   location: Essex
id 8734991
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 9:52 PM on Friday, May 20th, 2022

Any advice out there from any that have previously done this, and any thing I should be more cautious of?

Pay someone to do it...

start months ago. Better to be doing this in early spring than summer.

Know where you're moving the dirt you need to remove so you don't have to move it twice.

I didn't and had to move the pile again.

Trade rental costs for speed.

This took project took me from early spring to fall.

Use polysand for the joints.

[This message edited by grubs at 9:55 PM, Friday, May 20th]

posts: 1304   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8736280
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StrugglingCJ ( member #72778) posted at 9:26 AM on Saturday, June 4th, 2022

Thank you grubs, your advice was appreciated and very useful.. I took my time made sure there was a place for everything to go and a week later and 2,000 paving bricks (and a right arm like popeye and a worn out rubber mallet). I am done. Just got to sort the turf out and the garden will be finished.

WW caught in EA May 17
DDay Mar 19 it was full PA
Struggling for R, but still trying.

posts: 252   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2020   ·   location: Essex
id 8738609
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:29 PM on Saturday, June 4th, 2022

Congratulations!

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27570   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8738630
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 12:50 AM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

I ran into the ex-wife's AP 25 years after the fact. He approached me and shook my hand. I didn't recognize him at first. Once it dawned on me who he was I immediately yanked my hand away, spat out a few expletives, and stomped off. This was at a party. My son heard the commotion and wanted to know what happened. He knew nothing about his mom's affair at the time. It has been years since that happened. I had my chance to do something but didn't. I was in such shock I couldn't think straight. He was standing next to a swimming pool. I could have pushed him in so easily.

In retrospect, I am glad I didn't push him in. In hindsight, I wish I had calmly stated to him how big of a louse he is and how his actions helped bring down my marriage and cause all kinds of havoc for my son. I know that if it wasn't him, it would have been someone else. But he gets the blame.

I have gone NC with the ex-wife for over a year. Her daughter from a subsequent marriage (not with the AP) is about to get married. My fiancé ran into the ex-wife at the market a couple of days ago. She felt, evidently, that she owed my fiancé an explanation as to why we weren't invited to the wedding. She claimed that I didn't like her friends so she decided not to invite us. I laughed hysterically when my fiancé told me what she said. Aside from the fact that we are NC and would not attend under any circumstances, her "friends" are really simply her AP. Yes, she has maintained an "interesting" friendship with her AP for over thirty-five years. Not my problem. From what we can ascertain, the ex-wife has kept her extracurricular activities that took place during our marriage a secret from those that were not around when it happened. Just about everyone who knew of her affairs has passed on. She is rewriting our story and it sounds like she is now denying any hanky-panky by her. On the other hand, I have become the most horrible husband a woman could have had. Decades later, the battle continues, at least in her mind. I understand that she is badmouthing me nonstop. Thank God she is moving a thousand miles away very soon. It will be the next best thing to her dying. Not that I wish it upon her for the sake of my son. I also do like her daughter and do not wish anything bad to fall upon her family. I just don't want to hear, see, or speak to the ex-wife ever again.

posts: 677   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8740251
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 10:19 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

Decades later, the battle continues, at least in her mind. I understand that she is badmouthing me nonstop. Thank God she is moving a thousand miles away very soon. It will be the next best thing to her dying.

That you are still such an important part in her life to dedicate time and effort to you after 25 years and a couple of years NC is kind of amusing. She's still going to be jousting with you in her mind from 1000 miles away.

posts: 1304   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8740395
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 7:50 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

The hilarity just keeps building. Per my informant, the ex-wife is now denying that she ever cheated on me. Never mind the fact she contracted herpes from her first AP early in our marriage or the months of counseling that took place after her admission. Never mind that I caught her playing footsies under the table with her second AP that ended the marriage after her admission of guilt. Her story now is that she may have come home late a couple of times and I jumped to the conclusion that she was cheating. Unfortunately, those that knew what happened are all now dead. My parents, her older brother, my brother, and sister-in-law have all passed away. I believe that our incompetent counselor is also not with us any longer.

I am certain that her present husband does not know about her cheating. Certainly, he doesn't know that his wife's male friend is the AP that ended our marriage. She is obviously scared that the truth will come out and her little game will be exposed. Has she screwed the AP since she remarried? I don't know but it would not surprise me. The sad thing is that all of this nonsense could have remained buried if she hadn't decided to go on an uncalled-for campaign to bad-mouth me.

posts: 677   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8741094
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iamanidiot ( member #47257) posted at 11:34 AM on Thursday, June 23rd, 2022

Wow! I dont come here much these days, but a lot has changed (new format) and a much has happened.
My condolences to NTV.
DogGoneIt - that was an awesome post. There really should be a PTS therapy thread for the betrayed.

I've done some paving myself, the leveling, getting the pattern right, the hard manual work.
It really is a great feeling when you are done and look back at your achievement.
Must be some caveman satisfaction there...

Kinda how I feel after working through my feelings of her A's....

Our neigbours from the time of the last A (some 30+ years ago) are now retired and planning to visit us next month.
We got on reasonably well, similar interests, similar age. The wives kept up contact over the years.
It will be the first time we meet after D-Day.
I didnt think that their visit would bother me at all, but next thing I know I'm scratching around on SI - so it obviuosly does bug me.
I'm sure they must have seen something or figured out what was happening in the house next door. I was away on a business trip at the time. If they did, they never ever let on to me.
As the spouse told me 30 years later on D-Day, 'we lived like husband & wife', so there was a-plenty going on.
I never thought that the past would come my way again - so many years have passed by.

I am sure I will be OK - I know I'll handle it....

Just goes to show, when you think you are done, that its all over .... along comes a reminder.

Me BS,57 Her WS,55
2 LTA & 2 ONS 30+years ago
D-day 27/12/14
At least I still have my sense of humor.
I need it.
Coming to grips with it all
3 Adult children
Still married

posts: 476   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2015   ·   location: South Africa
id 8741516
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Mene ( member #64377) posted at 3:59 AM on Tuesday, July 5th, 2022

I have thoughts of revenge every single day. Frustratingly, I know that I can send the AP to hospital but understand that will land me into trouble. Knowing that he knows that too makes me feel a little better. He knows that if we bump into each other, it won’t be good for either of us. If I send him to ER, the authorities will send me to jail. He threatened to report me to authorities to a mutual friend when I found out because he said I have the capacity to do damage. To which the mutual friend replied that the BS can’t go to jail on the ability to do damage and perhaps if he knew he always had to be careful not to bump into me would have been a good reason not to start a relationship with my wife. BTW, I equally blame my wife for this shit sandwich served to me.

BTW, he wouldn’t be worth sending to ER. My kids are more important to me than exacting revenge and ending up in trouble.

[This message edited by Mene at 4:12 AM, Tuesday, July 5th]

Life wasn’t meant to be fair...

posts: 859   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2018   ·   location: Cyberland
id 8743384
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Mr. Kite ( member #28840) posted at 5:45 AM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

The revenge thing messed me up for a long time. It felt like unfinished business or injustice. The son-of-a-bitch must pay or a real man wouldn't let someone get away with that, etc. But the days of dueling are over and I've had to let it go. I'll let the Creator deal with that. Doesn't mean it doesn't cross my mind from time to time, But that's all it is, a passing thought. Unless of course I choose to dwell on it and give it power.

My dog Hank had a stroke on February 20th at the freakin' age of 3. He fell off the couch while sleeping. He ran around bumping into the furniture and his eyes were spinning round and round. That's something I'd never seen before. He spent three days in the hospital and I got all the Prednisone and other drugs into him.

Then a couple of months ago he came up lame after contracting Lyme disease despite having a Seresto collar on him. Turns out the bastards at Amazon sell knock-offs instead of the real thing. Another month of meds followed. Sigh...He seems like his normal self now but there's a nagging fear of what will happen next. I'm pretty certain every pet owner can relate.


The wife spent two months in LA babysitting our grand-daughter and son while he and his wife were going through a separation. Then she came back the other night and blew in like an ill wind. After two months of peace and quiet with just me and Hank in the house, the accompanying drama, tears, yelling, and chaos came as a shock to my system. It reminded me of what I've been living with all these years. In my experience absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder. I sent her a link for what is called a 'Mutual Consent Divorce' in the state where I live.

Have been spending time on Zillow looking for a small house to buy. Hank and I deserve to spend whatever time we have left in peace and quiet.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what not to do.

posts: 1118   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2010   ·   location: Mid-Atlantic
id 8745992
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