Me BS,57 Her WS,552 LTA & 2 ONS 30+years agoD-day 27/12/14At least I still have my sense of humor.I need it.Coming to grips with it all3 Adult childrenStill married

Where I Am ... Today

Hi My Fellow SIer's

Where is I Am.. today?
Since coming here, I have grown, emotionally.
I am in much better control of myself, my thoughts, my reactions & my feelings.
I also love my spouse, my marriage and my adult children. All of them.
And I am loved by them in return.
I love my life.

When I look back at some of my posts, I cringe.
I was like an out-of-control gun shooting off anger bullets in all directions.

I survived:
There have been so many times that I felt I was on a boat, sinking slowly, painfully.
I survived a toxic business relationship for one.
Most of all I survived the toxicity of her A's and the effect on our relationship at the time.

Retirement:
My planning was to retire last year, but then some things happened to me.
Firstly, D Day. The revelations that day through me off course for quite a bit.
The economy tanked. I will just have to carry on working a bit longer.
And out of the blue I needed to have a pacemaker fitted !!
(Maybe caused by the stress from all the above )

My youngest had a series of minor strokes and lost the ability to speak and movement on his right hand side.
After six months of intensive therapy, he is making a great comeback.
Although not perfect, he can now walk, talk, is allowed to drive again and works a few hours a week.
Still can't pick up a beer with the right hand yet

The World stands still for you - for just a moment - when these things happen to you.
It allows you time to reflect on what is important to you.

Triggers:
The more I make a conscious effort to avoid triggers, the more they rear up in my face - strange how that works...
So now my motto is 'that is life, you can't avoid it, just don't let it get to you!!!'

Her:
I don't blame her for the choices she made. That's on her.
Even now, decades later, she will trigger.
Out of nowhere the other day she said 'I can't even remember their faces, what they looked like'.
She worries more about the A's than I do.
Since D day she has been more vocal in reflecting her sadness at the things she did.

Me:
We don't talk about any of the A's. Or at least I don't bring it up.
Like water under the bridge, it is long gone.
Etched in the past, cannot be changed. Dead.
From reading on SI I have managed to get to grips with most of it, or at least as much as I can stomach.

I never knew about the A's:
Honestly. I was floating in never, never land. Head over heals in love. 'It could never happen to US'.
But it did.
Even when I was asked about things, I just made excuses for her, to myself, to our friends, to her family. (Was I complicit?)

Blindsided:
How could I not have seen what was happening in front of me?
I struggle NOT to blame myself for being such an idiot at the time.
Yet, when I look back in hindsight, everything is all so obvious.

We all know why, I was young & blinded by love...
Judging by the big bunch of flowers I took to her office the other day, I probably still am.

A Big Thank You to ALL the SIer's that have helped me along the way.
I would not have made it without you.

3 comments posted: Monday, June 5th, 2023