Me BS,57 Her WS,55
2 LTA & 2 ONS 30+years ago
At least I still have my sense of humor.
I need it.
Coming to grips with it all
3 Adult children
My 40th Anniversary
Yesterday was our 40th wedding anniversary.
Take away all the negatives associated with the A's and we have had a very blessed/lucky life together.
I am grateful that my spouse unstuck her head 34 years ago, and GOT ON WITH HER LIFE with me. Turning herself around and became the best wife/lover/partner to me & mother to our children. I have no regrets there.
'It should have been different, it could have been so much better' .... those were her words to me yesterday.
I haven't brought up the A's for such a long time now. I am not bothered to. I have a life to get on with.
But it still, and probably always will, bother her.
Here's to the next 40......
8 comments posted: Monday, August 2nd, 2021
DDay 6 years ago - We will survive.
Here I am – 6 years ago I came to SI and I asked for help. There were many answers. Some gentle, others not . Most were understanding and able to guide me. I needed that help & guidance to get me through the days, weeks & months following Dday.
I read a lot here on SI. I have learnt a lot!
I quickly found out that Rule #1 was ‘take what works for you and leave the rest’.
Many hurting souls fired off hurtful & destructive advice.
Thankfully there were a great many more understanding souls that were already a long way into recovery.
I was lucky in that the A’s happened a long time ago – a lifetime away. It wasn’t NOW. It wasn't all around me, although there were few ‘in-your-face’ daily reminders.
The wedding photos hanging in our bedroom were the first things to go – those eyes had seen too much .
The 2nd thing was that we changed the wedding & engagement rings - you just know where they had been..
The 3rd was get a new spouse……just kidding
My spouse tried to move on years ago. She put it all in a box and closed the lid. She would have taken her secrets to the grave.
Now that the lid is open, it is a big disappointment to her.
I am a constant daily reminder of what she was.
My pain is a reminder of what she did.
She opened up briefly after Dday. And then shut up tightly when she realized what she (now a devoted wife & mother of 3)had done.
A lot of questions have gone unanswered.
And that is OK with me.
I know most of it, and what I don’t know SI has filled in the blanks. Sadly, as my Dad used to say ‘there’s nothing new under the sun’.
Two years ago I made a decision. I chose to move on past her A’s
Mostly I feel that I have succeeded. Overall we are in a very good space.
Why has/is it taking so long? – There are a few reasons:
This recovery is a two person journey. Often I am the only one travelling it!
Sometimes I feel she thinks ‘I wish he would just move on already’!
She is in that space of ‘I was a bad girl & shit will always happen to me’!
She has her own issues.
She is not the most supportive.
Sometimes I need encouragement form her, empathy, a hug, a rub on the arm even, a smile, and its NOT there.
Sadly, I am a bit short tempered these days, towards her. Happens when I feel ‘put down’ in some way. Most times the blow up is over as fast as it starts!
Most important is that I have been so incredibly busy. I have accomplished more in the last 6 years than I have ever done before.
We refreshed the old family home, sold it, bought another, put the retirement plans into motion etc etc.
WE have spent a lot of time together, doing things together.
So much has changed the last 6 years, the stock markets have crashed, Covid-19 is still taking it’s toll, my best friend passed away suddenly, many of the people on SI have not made it this far.
I asked if I could retire with this person.
My answer is Yes, I can & I will, and we will be in a good space together.
My best wishes to all of you with your journey.
5 comments posted: Tuesday, March 23rd, 2021