Newest Member: CereBella

iamanidiot

Me BS,57 Her WS,55 2 LTA & 2 ONS 30+years ago D-day 27/12/14 At least I still have my sense of humor. I need it. Coming to grips with it all 3 Adult children Still married

My 40th Anniversary

Yesterday was our 40th wedding anniversary.

Take away all the negatives associated with the A's and we have had a very blessed/lucky life together.

I am grateful that my spouse unstuck her head 34 years ago, and GOT ON WITH HER LIFE with me. Turning herself around and became the best wife/lover/partner to me & mother to our children. I have no regrets there.

'It should have been different, it could have been so much better' .... those were her words to me yesterday.

I haven't brought up the A's for such a long time now. I am not bothered to. I have a life to get on with.

But it still, and probably always will, bother her.

Here's to the next 40......

8 comments posted: Monday, August 2nd, 2021

DDay 6 years ago - We will survive.

Here I am – 6 years ago I came to SI and I asked for help. There were many answers. Some gentle, others not . Most were understanding and able to guide me. I needed that help & guidance to get me through the days, weeks & months following Dday.

I read a lot here on SI. I have learnt a lot!

I quickly found out that Rule #1 was ‘take what works for you and leave the rest’.

Many hurting souls fired off hurtful & destructive advice.

Thankfully there were a great many more understanding souls that were already a long way into recovery.

I was lucky in that the A’s happened a long time ago – a lifetime away. It wasn’t NOW. It wasn't all around me, although there were few ‘in-your-face’ daily reminders.

The wedding photos hanging in our bedroom were the first things to go – those eyes had seen too much .

The 2nd thing was that we changed the wedding & engagement rings - you just know where they had been..

The 3rd was get a new spouse……just kidding

My spouse tried to move on years ago. She put it all in a box and closed the lid. She would have taken her secrets to the grave.

Now that the lid is open, it is a big disappointment to her.

I am a constant daily reminder of what she was.

My pain is a reminder of what she did.

She opened up briefly after Dday. And then shut up tightly when she realized what she (now a devoted wife & mother of 3)had done.

A lot of questions have gone unanswered.

And that is OK with me.

I know most of it, and what I don’t know SI has filled in the blanks. Sadly, as my Dad used to say ‘there’s nothing new under the sun’.

Two years ago I made a decision. I chose to move on past her A’s

Mostly I feel that I have succeeded. Overall we are in a very good space.

Why has/is it taking so long? – There are a few reasons:

This recovery is a two person journey. Often I am the only one travelling it!

Sometimes I feel she thinks ‘I wish he would just move on already’!

She is in that space of ‘I was a bad girl & shit will always happen to me’!

She has her own issues.

She is not the most supportive.

Sometimes I need encouragement form her, empathy, a hug, a rub on the arm even, a smile, and its NOT there.

Sadly, I am a bit short tempered these days, towards her. Happens when I feel ‘put down’ in some way. Most times the blow up is over as fast as it starts!

Most important is that I have been so incredibly busy. I have accomplished more in the last 6 years than I have ever done before.

We refreshed the old family home, sold it, bought another, put the retirement plans into motion etc etc.

WE have spent a lot of time together, doing things together.

So much has changed the last 6 years, the stock markets have crashed, Covid-19 is still taking it’s toll, my best friend passed away suddenly, many of the people on SI have not made it this far.

I asked if I could retire with this person.

My answer is Yes, I can & I will, and we will be in a good space together.

My best wishes to all of you with your journey.

5 comments posted: Tuesday, March 23rd, 2021

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