Newest Member: itspointless


WW caught in EA May 17 DDay Mar 19 it was full PA Struggling for R, but still trying.

Dead bedroom 3 yrs post dday

We have made it to over 3 years post DDay, and although we are still together, technically, we have devolved into almost roommates now. I know there have been alot of hurtful things we have both said to each other over the last few years, especially during arguments when her affair was brought up, but it now seems like there is very little connection anymore.

It took so much from me trying to battle with her to go NC, plus my health issues, some of which are very, very stress related, have almost destroyed my spirit in that now there is no fight left in me, I'm all used up. As for her the fight has gone from fighting me to keep her "friend" to now fighting me on almost anything I do at least once each day, from the simplest of things to big issues. And then she wonders why I don't feel particularly amorous last thing at night or any other time tbh. Though she will hardly ever instigate anything in the bedroom either. She will through out excuses like not feeling great, tiredness, or even say her sex drive is gone (quoting menopause).

I suppose the question I am asking is that is there any chance of recovery from this position, has anyone recovered from an almost stalemate of indifference by both the WS and the BS? I don't think either one of us wants to divorce but I don't think the situation as it stands can continue either.

14 comments posted: Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

The curse of what ifs..

Sorry guys but ranting here- It is exactly 3 yrs today from my 2nd DDay, and I thought I was getting through everything, then wham it suddenly hit me this morning, all the what I should have dones over the last 5 yrs (2yrs in her A, 3yrs post DDay).

Not helped by my WW being away at a friend's this weekend.. Not much to worry about there as she has known him and his wife longer than she has known me.. But still the thoughts hit hard today.

I thought of how I should have behaved on DDay, and all the subsequent arguments we had over her continued refusal to go NC, how I could never get her to listen to me when I said I was so stressed over it. How even following serious health issues which are knowm to be made worse by stress she still failed to change her ways.

I know you cannot change the past, but sometimes it would be nice to be able to see a way of changing your future, without divorcing, without losing most of what you have built up your entire life, and mostly without losing daily access to the most precious people in the world.. My kids.

Sorry for the rant.

12 comments posted: Monday, March 14th, 2022

Stuck in Plain of lethal flatness

Hi I need some advice, as I think I have been stuck in POLF for some time now. It is coming up 3 yrs past DDay and NC was only really initiated a few months ago.. During the time since DDay I have had a cancer scare, dealt with ulcerative colitis and most recently a heart attack..

We never did anything normal on the R action list.. HB never occurred.. It was almost the opposite.. I had to fight her to go NC and ultimately she only did it because the AP got a gf.. Who then forced the issue from that side too.. My WW Would never have done it otherwise.

And since the Heart Attack I have realised that I just do not care for her like I used to.. She is no longer the woman I fell in love with but someone who I raise my kids with.. In the last year I can count on my hands the number of times we have been intimate.. I have tried but it feels like I now no longer have the fight left in me.

Anyone out there who can offer advice on ways you got past POLF (without resorting to divorce) and reconnected with their spouse??

11 comments posted: Sunday, February 20th, 2022

Infidelity and your bodies response

I know there are plenty of studies regarding the impact of negative emotions on your bodies general wellbeing, but after today I thought I would share what has happened to me since my WW's first DDay.

DDay 1 may 2017, she refused NC even developed a serious "friendship" with the guy in front of me, by jan-18 I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, which following several studies and my own personal experience is aggravated by stress.

DDay 2 mar-19, I had a big flare up of my UC requiring heavy dose steroids, probably didn't help us as it made me fairly belligerent and aggressive for a few weeks.

jun-19 we went on our previously arranged holiday TO near where the AP lived, when I came back I was given the news I had possible advanced prostate cancer. Luckily after alot of tests it was ONLY prostatitis, but still threw me for a loop.

Mar-20 lockdown commences, watching her chat so so much with the AP triggered another flare up.. At which point I was told I would have to go on immuno suppressive drugs to combat my UC. I have avoided these by making a radical change to my diet and exercise and have maintained my UC since then.

Then this morning, after a fairly stressful Xmas and new year, dealing with a recalcitrant WS I had chest pains and numbness and am now spending the weekend in hospital getting tested left right and centre for a suspected heart attack.. I am not overweight, exercise very regularly, eat well, and stress still gets to me..

So if ever you do struggle with life after infidelity.. Please, Please, please look after yourself first and foremost. And try anyway to not let the stress get to you.

21 comments posted: Saturday, January 15th, 2022

Feels like going backwards

I thought we had been doing well, my WW and I would talk, go for walks, go to gym together, I thought we were finally putting her affair behind us. Then in the last month or so she has suddenly become very argumentative, extremely picky, nagging about stupid insignificant things. When I asked her what was up she just said that things were getting on top of her and why should it bother me.

I just responded that the last time she was anywhere near like this she was in the middle of an affair and the behaviour seemed consistent.

She then lost it, saying I should be past it by now (2yrs 4months) that what she did didn't give me the right to judge her everytime she is off, that I needed to accept who she was and that that was part of her past. She literally was 100% opposite of the person who told me she was sorry and would do anything to make up for what she had done..

Has anyone else had one of these blips with their wayward partner during attempted R??

7 comments posted: Monday, July 19th, 2021

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