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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Menz Thread - Part 34

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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:01 PM on Sunday, February 13th, 2022

No words. I'm grateful to his family for letting us know.

What a loss.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27570   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8715896
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Loukas ( member #47354) posted at 8:44 PM on Sunday, February 13th, 2022

I don’t know what to say, just feel that I need to say something.

Thanks for all your help over the years, Los.

posts: 1858   ·   registered: Mar. 29th, 2015   ·   location: The school of hard knocks
id 8715930
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78monte ( member #72572) posted at 2:29 AM on Monday, February 14th, 2022

When I started reading threads on SI, I came across some of Losfers post. He also posted on song title game recently.

I'm very sad to hear of his passing.

We never see the faces of people who post, however we feel each other's pain. When they pass, we feel like another part of us is gone. R.i.P. Losfer crying

[This message edited by 78monte at 2:30 AM, Monday, February 14th]

posts: 2737   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8715996
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Legend10 ( member #79407) posted at 9:28 AM on Monday, February 14th, 2022

Hey guys, just wanted to check in because I've had a rough weekend.

I found out on Saturday evening that my WS is pregnant. I discovered this from my 10 year old son excitedly telling me he's getting a little sister which was incredibly hard to react to without upsetting him. I managed to find out her due date and if I backtrack it 9 months then that essentially means that it took her 7 weeks from ending a 12 year relationship with me before getting pregnant by the AP. Before any of you worry about paternity tests and whether there is a chance I could be the father, there is no chance of that because I had a vasectomy 2 years ago after we decided we didn't want any more children. Her being pregnant has hurt on a number of levels, how quick she can move on, the fact we didn't want any more kids, the fact I now can't have any more kids, the fact my son seems happy about it. This is just so hard to deal with.

Then to top this off my Grandfather passed away on Sunday afternoon. My Grandmother passed away about 6 months ago in the midst of DDay1 and we were going through false R at her funeral.

This has honestly been the worst period of my life and I just feel like I can't catch a break at the moment, it's just one thing after another! sad

posts: 59   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8716036
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HeartFullOfHoles ( member #42874) posted at 2:22 PM on Monday, February 14th, 2022

Legend, that has to be tough. A double whammy in a single weekend.

A couple things. It is good to see your son feels safe to have these discussions with you. It is horribly painful for us having to hear about their new and what often sounds like a wonderful life, but being there for our kids is one of the most important things we can do. Next a vasectomy can sometimes be reversed successfully. I have a half brother after my father had his reversed. Focus on your healing.

My ex tried to bully me into getting a vasectomy (it's easier for you, cheaper, safer, etc.), but my decision to not get one came down to the simple fact that if I had been widowed around that time I would have hoped to remarry and I would have wanted to have another child with my new wife. She always resented this saying I was selfish for not doing what she wanted, but I see that as just another manifestation of her dysfunction of expecting others to pay the price/carry the burden for what she wants.

I remember feeling there was no way I would survive all the pain, but living one day at a time and finding a little joy when I could eventually got me to the other side. We all know it's a horrible time, but you can get past this. It just takes longer than we want it to.

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 781   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8716070
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HeartFullOfHoles ( member #42874) posted at 2:34 PM on Monday, February 14th, 2022

Let's check in with each other, guys.

If this was not a pattern with Losfer one would almost think his last post in this thread was prophetic. My heart still hurts from the news of his passing.

ETA. The picture of Koda HT posted in general made me cry. I knew sooner or later someone would do that, but I wasn't fully prepared for it. I fondly remember those Friday sessions in the Menz threads of yore.

[This message edited by HeartFullOfHoles at 5:50 PM, Monday, February 14th]

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 781   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8716075
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Loukas ( member #47354) posted at 12:37 AM on Tuesday, February 15th, 2022

If this was not a pattern with Losfer one would almost think his last post in this thread was prophetic.

He valued the Menz thread so much and even as it’s been rather silent over the past couple years, he was always the one trying to fire it up again.

I usually feel a little heartless when someone I know passes. I’m rarely stricken with sadness and grief. HT’s post in general hit me hard. I’ve cried a few times now over this news and I’m not quite sure why. Why over an internet "stranger". In my deepest and darkest moments after I first joined SI, Los was there for me. Either here, or through PMs. He could relate to my struggles in ways I felt very few could.

I don’t know, I just can’t help but feel like he’s been ripped off. After all his struggles in life and not all that long ago taking steps to regain control over his life…I’m just terribly saddened.

Rest In Peace, Los. I’ll be cracking a cold one in your honour on Friday, I hope to enjoy it with you and Koda, you both are missed.

posts: 1858   ·   registered: Mar. 29th, 2015   ·   location: The school of hard knocks
id 8716249
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Loukas ( member #47354) posted at 1:29 AM on Tuesday, February 15th, 2022

Legend, I had to go back and read all your posts, just to gain some perspective.

Bro, I’m really sorry. Shit has been real for a longtime now. A rough weekend is an understatement. It’s been much longer than that.

I get the impression you may be trying to push yourself to get through this stage of your life faster than maybe you’re able to. God knows I tried to. If I’d just be positive, I’ll power through this. That I could take the hits to the chin and shake them off. Before my ex-wife’s affair, I always could.

Despite my best attempts, I just couldn’t take the hits like I used to. Truth is, they were breaking me down in ways I had never experienced before. In ways I never wanted to experience. One by one, they slowly began crushing me, until I became my own worst enemy. Until one day, I found myself in a place I would never wish upon my worst enemy.

Let yourself feel, Legend. Let the hurt, hurt. It’s the best way through it all, even if it doesn’t feel that way at the time. Recovery isn’t a sprint, when folks here say 2-5 years, it comes from collective experience. Unfortunately the Menz thread has been quiet for a while now at a great loss to our newly betrayed Menz. I’ll do my best to be around more, to offer support, I owe it.

If you’re angry, rage it out on here, most of the gents around these parts have gone off on some of the most epic and raw rants I’ve ever read.

My ex and I struggled through 7 years of infertility, because she was unable to conceive. 7 years later, she just gave birth to her first, man did that sting like hell. But I’m far enough out now that it wasn’t even close to devastating. This shit sandwich is fucking awful and leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, but with time, it gets better. Yes, the fucking four letter swear word, time. Fuck.

I’m really sorry about your loses, bro, truly. Strength ((((Legend

posts: 1858   ·   registered: Mar. 29th, 2015   ·   location: The school of hard knocks
id 8716261
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musiclover ( member #23172) posted at 1:38 AM on Tuesday, February 15th, 2022

Shit-did I just read that Losfer passed? We had PM'd for years, mostly over music. The last time I PM'd him was Feb 10, we were talking about the Super Bowl. I also mentioned that the Triumph documentary was really well done. He liked so many Canadian bands, I thought he was Canadian. Does anybody know the cause of death? This is a real kick in the nuts.

posts: 4727   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Ontario
id 8716262
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Loukas ( member #47354) posted at 1:47 AM on Tuesday, February 15th, 2022

HT’s post in General said “passed peacefully in his sleep to cardiac arrest”

[This message edited by Loukas at 1:49 AM, Tuesday, February 15th]

posts: 1858   ·   registered: Mar. 29th, 2015   ·   location: The school of hard knocks
id 8716265
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musiclover ( member #23172) posted at 2:04 AM on Tuesday, February 15th, 2022

That's so sad. I'll be raising a brownie in his honour. He'll know what that means.

posts: 4727   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Ontario
id 8716270
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Legend10 ( member #79407) posted at 9:56 AM on Tuesday, February 15th, 2022

I get the impression you may be trying to push yourself to get through this stage of your life faster than maybe you’re able to.

This 100% resonated with me Loukas. Whilst these things aren't a competition you do look at your WS and kind of judge yourself against how well they are doing and think you are losing the battle if she's moved on and enjoying life and for you just getting up in the morning is a challenge!

Most of the advice seems to be centred around being happy on your own, finding your own passions in life and not needing anyone else. I find this really difficult to be honest as all I've ever wanted from life is a close knit family and to just dedicate myself to spending time with them. I was miserable on my own before I met my WS and I always used to say to her that she saved me. Now I'm back in that same miserable existence but with the added pain of the loss of what I had and the family unit I had always dreamed of. I hate having no one to cook meals with in an evening, no one to just cuddle up on the couch and watch TV with, no one to say good night to and say good morning to, it's a lonely existence and I miss the companionship so much.

I've always been a bit of a homebody, I'm not one for living an adventurous lifestyle or throwing caution to the wind with life decisions. I've worked for the same company for over 15 years, I've barely travelled (and when I have it's been with my WS and son), I've lived in the same town my whole life. I kind of feel like I'm at a crossroads now where I've just got to accept that this is who I am as a person, find peace in that and maybe try and find someone who is similar to me to spend the rest of my life with.

However, my closest friend who has supported me lots through the past 6 months or so is the polar opposite to me, he's outgoing, adventurous, has lived in numerous different countries, has worked in a variety of different roles and he's pushing me to reinvent myself, look to move jobs, move to a new town, travel, just do something different. That's hard to do, it's like trying to re-wire my brain to think I want to live that life when in reality I don't but then I don't want to live the life I am doing now either!

You said you read through my posts, if so you will see I had a bit of a thing with an old work colleague, she was very similar to me in terms of being a homebody and family orientated, we had a lot in common but it was very much a right person, wrong time sort of deal. I felt happier during the time I spent with her than I have at any point in my healing but I worry if that was papering over the cracks with my recovery and that I need time on my own before opening myself up to someone else.

I kind of feel that I won't be happy until I do find someone to share my life with and I know that goes against most of the advice offered out on SI so I'm stuck in this kind of limbo where I'm tempted to get on dating apps and hopefully find someone to just staying strong and trying to work out things on my own but whilst I do stay single the loneliness gets me down and it's very hard just to get through the days and be happy.

[This message edited by Legend10 at 9:57 AM, Tuesday, February 15th]

posts: 59   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8716310
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 4:01 PM on Tuesday, February 15th, 2022

Whilst these things aren't a competition you do look at your WS and kind of judge yourself against how well they are doing and think you are losing the battle if she's moved on and enjoying life and for you just getting up in the morning is a challenge

She hasn't changed from that one that blew up her life for an affair. You on the other hand are trying to heal enough to be a good partner. That's going to take longer but in the end put yourself in a better life in the long run.

My ex married her AP within a year. I had already quickly jumped the hell back out of the dating pool at that point because it was apparent I wasn't a good candidate for anyone with the damage I was carrying. I had some of AP's family reach out a few years later to ask if she had also isolated me from my family. Ap's father, a really good man, passed while they were estranged. IOW she is still the narc that demanded full attention to her to the extent of cutting out others in her life. She definitely wasn't ok with sharing any time with her spouses mother. 12 years later, Unanswered prayers is my favorite song, and I'm happy to death that AP took my ex off my hands.

You deserve better than she was capable of Legend. Remember that and keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's early days for you. It does get better if you keep moving on. If you haven't try traveling. I was a homebody myself. The new love of my life treated me to a trip to the UK for my 50th. We've been making a trip abroad every two years since.

I kind of feel that I won't be happy until I do find someone to share my life with and I know that goes against most of the advice offered out on SI so I'm stuck in this kind of limbo where I'm tempted to get on dating apps and hopefully find someone to just staying strong and trying to work out things on my own but whilst I do stay single the loneliness gets me down and it's very hard just to get through the days and be happy.


The problem with that is you won't find someone worthy of you until you are happy with yourself. Broken only attracts broken. That's why the recommendations are to find things, sports, whatever, that makes you happy. Happy, healthy people attract other healthy, happy people.

[This message edited by grubs at 4:04 PM, Tuesday, February 15th]

posts: 1304   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8716342
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:22 PM on Tuesday, February 15th, 2022

Yeah, the goal IS to move on to find a happy life. As Loukas wrote, though, you need to feel your emotions before you can move on.

You've just been hit with some big losses. It's time to mourn, not to be happy. Mourn first. That in itself is an act of loving yourself. It's a good start at loving yourself in general.

I'm very sorry for your losses.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27570   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8716349
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veryconfused ( member #56933) posted at 6:45 PM on Tuesday, February 15th, 2022

The guys are right L10. Unfortunately, there is no way around the pain, and stuffing it away just entails dealing with it later, with interest. It’s okay to just feel it. Seriously! You are carrying a load right now.

Loukas has a point, find a private spot and rage if you need to! Write in your journal! Let it out! Seriously! The little dirty secret, and Loukas refers to it, is that sort of stoic manner of dealing with loss that all of us men are taught, gets blown away.

Post, journal, therapy, hobbies, and I know it’s hard, but feel and live life. Keep up the fight!

posts: 259   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2017   ·   location: Mid West
id 8716376
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Loukas ( member #47354) posted at 1:27 AM on Wednesday, February 16th, 2022

Whilst these things aren't a competition you do look at your WS and kind of judge yourself against how well they are doing and think you are losing the battle if she's moved on and enjoying life and for you just getting up in the morning is a challenge!

Fuck, I had days where putting pants on was an accomplishment! But I hear ya, it is hard to watch them go on like they didn’t just rip the heart out of your chest, stomp on it and kick it to the gutter.

You aren’t her, bro. That’s why you didn’t fuck around and bail on your family. Good for you for that, honestly. Don’t compete with stupid, this is your integrity at stake. But I can understand the desire.

Why were you miserable on your own before meeting your stbx? Why did you think she saved you?

posts: 1858   ·   registered: Mar. 29th, 2015   ·   location: The school of hard knocks
id 8716458
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:14 AM on Wednesday, February 16th, 2022

It is hard to watch them go on like they didn’t just rip the heart out of your chest, stomp on it and kick it to the gutter.

Someone who strays isn't exactly a high caliber individual. Selfish is normally the operative description. It shouldn't be a surprise they they care for no one besides themselves.

posts: 1304   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8716466
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 2:44 AM on Wednesday, February 16th, 2022

54 & YOP thanks for letting us know. I saw HT's thread in general and just broke down crying. Losfer was a great guy. When my STBX and I separated back in June, he called often to check up on me. I hadn't reached out to him in a while and now I feel so stupid for not having made the half hour drive down to Colo Springs to meet him in person. I'll miss my friend, too. Hard loss to take.

I have to add... some of you might possibly remember one day when yours truly made a rantish comment about women being irrational in the Menz thread. Losfer went off on me for two posts, all the while attempting to prove that women are just as rational as men. After an apology, I responded with a Python quote: "Why are you always on about women, Stan?" I don't think Losfer was much of a Python fan (unfortunately for him). After that we quickly became friends. He was just one of those guys who was really easy to get to know, you know?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 2:49 AM, Wednesday, February 16th]

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6588   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8716469
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Repossessed ( member #79544) posted at 2:47 AM on Wednesday, February 16th, 2022

Hey L10, I'm pushing 6 years out from Dday and a bit over a year from our physical split. I get the sense of loss and loneliness. One of the ways that I describe it is the loss of how I once self-identified, the family man. The fellas are right. The only way through this is to inhabit the loss and rage on your own, but its important to also be a joiner. Find some groups to join (what are your interests?) that force you to socialize. Chase excellence in some interest you that formerly never had a chance to pursue and explore.

God knows I tried to. If I’d just be positive, I’ll power through this. That I could take the hits to the chin and shake them off. Before my ex-wife’s affair, I always could.


And, man, this one from Loukas hits hard. I've thought more than once "What the actual fuck? I was once a formidable man. And now I don't even know if I'm wiping my ass correctly." Such is the blow to a man's confidence, and to be clear, a man's confidence is foundational to his being.

I've lowered my sights some these days. The height of my ambition now is feeling good about my day when I lay my head on the pillow at night. And that's defined by 'a man is what he does.' I start getting that down, and I feel like I'm positioning myself for good things to come.

I feel like only just now am I finally finding a groove, and that's after being physically split from her over a year. The five years following Dday when she was in my grill by living together were torturous. With time and distance has come some measure of relief. Best of all, having evolved over this past year, I'm now finally certain that she'd never be able to convince me to try with her again. And that's a major break thru as she was my 'one.'

None of it is easy, brother. Hope what I've shared gives you a peek you need into your own future.

Here to keep myself mindful that I don't always see what actually is. I certainly didn't when I married her.

posts: 217   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Chicagoland
id 8716470
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Legend10 ( member #79407) posted at 8:58 AM on Wednesday, February 16th, 2022

Great advice from all of you and it's really hit home the general advice of it's ok to be not be ok, just feel what you feel, process it and don't look to try and rush through the healing. My mind feels a lot calmer these past 24 hours so thank you all for that.

With time and distance has come some measure of relief.

This also resonated with me. Last night I just sat on my couch, watched TV for a few hours, it was calm, it was peaceful, I wasn't walking around on eggshells, running every sentence through my mind before I spoke to vet whether there would be something in there that could cause conflict. I deal a with different pain now but I know for a fact I don't miss that daily anxiety, stress and having to second guess my every word and movement, it's such a relief.

Why were you miserable on your own before meeting your stbx? Why did you think she saved you?

Good question. So I've always been an introvert, I wasn't outgoing or confident and I got to the age of 24 without ever having a serious girlfriend. I was doing ok for myself in life by that point, I'd bought my own home, had a steady job that I enjoyed and I had friends and hobbies that kept me busy. However despite all of that, I was very lonely, in the 6 months or so leading up to meeting my WS it was really starting to get to me, I was doubting that I would ever find someone, my friends were all beginning to settle down and start families of their own, as such my friendship circle of people that I would go out drinking and partying with was dwindling, even my enjoyment in doing those things had gone, I wanted to settle down, I wanted a wife, I wanted a family. Then she came into my life and as I said, I always said she saved me as I worry to what depths of despair and depression I would have plunged over the coming years had she not.

[This message edited by Legend10 at 10:29 AM, Wednesday, February 16th]

posts: 59   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8716489
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