Just wanted to share something unexpected that's developed in my life and I'm excited about.
I've ended up re-connecting with an old work colleague, we were never close and were acquaintances more than anything but we've been speaking every day for the past 3 weeks or so now and we are both astounded at how much we have in common. It's very early days but we are getting on like a house on fire and committed to taking things slow, I've spoken about her to my close friends and she's admitted she's spoken about me to her friends and family too. We're both very aware that we've come out of traumatic relationships fairly recently so don't want to jump into anything and potentially hurt the other but it's great to be back in the game so to speak and be forming a connection with someone else.
I'm also moving into my own place this weekend so there is lots to be positive about and I've not been in such a good state of mind since DDay. Hopefully good things are around the corner!
2 comments posted: Tuesday, November 30th, 2021
No Contact - Why It's Important
Just wanted to share this as a reminder to all of us trying to instigate no contact (including myself) just how important it is to stay strong with this.
I had gone on my longest stretch (around 10 days) with no contact other than simple yes / no answers to anything childcare related and was feeling in a much better place than I had done since DDay.
Then this weekend I don't even know how it happened but I ended up getting drawn into a 2 hour period of firing texts back and forth between each other. Boy, was that a bad idea! These people are manipulative, they have crafted narratives in their own mind that paint them as the victim and no good can come from engaging in dialogue with them.
I quickly surmised that my WS has forgiven herself for what she's done, is using phrases like "I am a good person who made a mistake" and "I have reflected on my actions in our relationship and realised I wasn't perfect but I'm not going to punish myself forever". Along with this she is defending the AP and trying to paint me as being unreasonable for how I feel towards her. In her mind 2 months post DDAy is long enough for me to get over the betrayal after a 12 year relationship!
This has made me take a step back in my recovery, I've spent the past 24 hours or so ruminating about her again, angry that she seems so unaffected, that she's forgiven herself and is moving on with the AP.
So the moral of the story is please, please, please don't think that instigating contact again is a good idea, nothing good can come from this if you are trying to heal, they will only drag you back down into despair. Cut them off completely, forget about them and concentrate on yourself and your own healing. They will not suddenly give you the answers you crave or show shame or guilt for their actions, they do not care about you anymore and you shouldn't let them occupy so much of the headspace. Stay strong people!
6 comments posted: Tuesday, November 9th, 2021
R Against Wishes of Friends & Family
Just after any advice if anyone has been through similar.
To put it briefly, 6 weeks or so after dday and separation my WW has asked to meet up and talk about us and essentially see if R would be possible and how that would actually work.
One thing I’m struggling with is I’ve been fairly open with friends and family over the nature of our split and they are more or less all of the opinion that they wouldn’t even entertain the idea of R with her.
So, if I do decide to R how do you go about re-integrating your WS back into family life and with friends? Not only that but dealing with the awkwardness of lots of mutual friends knowing what she did and dealing with the shame, for want of a better word, of people knowing you are a BS and stayed with the WS?
39 comments posted: Monday, October 11th, 2021
Hi all, just discovered this forum yesterday and have been enjoying reading all the posts, it's comforting to read stories of people going through similar and people coming out the otherside ok.
I really just wanted to tell my story, even if it's just a therapeutic exercise to get it all out there and share with everyone.
I had been together with my ex partner for roughly 12 years, discovered her affair about 2 months ago and ultimately split just over a week ago.
So as I said, I first became aware of the affair roughly 2 months ago when I woke up in the middle of the night and noticed she was on her phone. She hadn't realised I was awake and I went to lean over her to give her a hug only to see a message from another man that read "I've missed you today xx".
This rocked me to my foundations and took me a good few minutes to process what exactly I'd just seen but eventually I plucked up the courage to ask her who that message was from and what it meant. She then admitted she had been speaking to this person for a couple of months, she didn't love him or have feelings for him, it was just flirting but ultimately she didn't think she loved me any more. I was devastated and after the initial shock I did a full 180 on my initial reaction telling her we were done and said I still loved her and wanted us to work through this. She said she needed some space to think and I moved out of our family home for a few days. We spoke at length about what each other felt was missing from our relationship and I did the pick me dance that I've seen many people mention for these few days until she then decided that she was susprised at how much she had missed me whilst I had been gone and she wanted to try again. It's also worth mentioning at this point that she admitted this relationship / affair or whatever you want to call it had been going on longer than the couple of months she first admitted and gave me a time frame of 6 months or so which would have been just before Christmas.
I went back under no illusions that our relationship was at rock bottom, that it would take hard work and I promised her that I would work on the issues she had raised but I also wanted her to do the same, we were both in agreement and for the first 3 weeks or so I felt things were going great. In my mind I had pictured a road to recovery of 6 months at least to where I would trust her again and she would feel 100% confident that our relationship was what she wanted so I was prepared for baby steps and a long journey ahead.
Then, completely unexpected I saw his name appear on her phone in her recent contacts, she knew I had seen it too but we both kind of ignored it and over the next couple of days it grew into a huge elephant in the room until I could no longer cope with the anxiety and brought it up. She then told me that she hadn't been in contact with him for the prior 3 weeks, that she'd cut all ties as soon as I came home but she felt he deserved to know the truth and had contacted him the night I saw his name on her phone to let him know we were making a go of it and that she wouldn't be speaking to him again.
With hindsight I can see now how ridiculous this sounds, that I should have seen the warning signs but at the time I knew our relationship was on a knife edge, I still loved her and wanted to be with her and casting doubt on what she said would put all that at risk. I accepted her answer and moved on, or at least tried to. The following week or two was fine, we were getting on, things seemed to be going ok but I still couldn't get the fact he was in her phone still out of my mind. Stupidly I had never asked her to block him, delete his number, cease all contact with him or anything like that as part of my agreement to trying again. I told her I trusted her and I wanted our relationship to work because we did trust each other and I didn't want to be in a relationship where I was having to demand things like asking her to block people, I just trusted that she was no longer in contact with him.
I should also mention at this stage that her phone is like fort knox, it's set so when a message is received it doesn't state the name of the person sending it, nor does it show a preview of the message itself as is the default setting on most phones, instead it just says "message received" or something like that, you then have to unlock the phone to see who it's from and to read it but I don't have her passcode and my face isn't setup on her facial recognition. Again, a massive red flag but one of those things when you've been with a person for a over decade and have no reason not to trust them you just don't ever question it.
So once again, the anxiety got too much for me and I said that if we were going to work as a couple I needed her to show that commitment to me and delete his number, block him on all forms of social media, essentially cut out any way that he could contact her and she could contact him. She took this badly, accusing me of having issues and that I was the one at fault for not trusting her and that if I don't trust her or take her at her word then we wouldn't work, that she isn't being in a relationship where she's being controlled by someone etc etc etc. After a huge argument she eventually relented and showed me deleting his number in her phone, she also threw me her phone and said I could go through it if I wanted. Again, in hindsight I should have done there and then but I didn't, again choosing to say I trust her and that all I wanted was her word that she had done it.
The following month or so was going great, or so I thought, we were getting on well, we had been doing things both as a couple and as a family, we were making plans for events as far ahead as 12 months in the future and I genuinely thought we were on the right track until all my worst fears became true.
By pure chance I found myself in a position where I was looking out of our back window which over looked the garden, she was sat in a chair just below the window and hadn't realised I was there and it only took about 30 seconds before she opened up her messages and was engaged in a conversation with someone else where they were firing heart emojis back and forth to each other, she had sent him a picture of herself (the exact same picture she had sent to me that morning), she was referring to him as babe and gorgeous (the exact same pet names she calls me) and the whole conversation read like something you'd expect from a newly wed couple still in the honeymoon period.
Whereas the last time I was floored by the discovery, sad, upset, heartbroken, this time I was mad. I immediately asked her who this person was and then she admitted it was the same person as before, that she had simply renamed him in her phone when I asked her to block him. Three days prior she had been out on her own, telling me she was with friends but I immediately connected the dots and asked if she was with him, she admitted it and said they had even kissed. I stormed out of the house and that was us done.
Over the coming days I've spent much of it battling to get the truth, each time I chip away at her something else comes out or I discover information myself that rips apart the lies she's told me. She initially stuck by her story that she had only spoken to him that one time to tell him it's over and that the meetup 3 days prior to our breakup was purely coincidental and they just bumped into each other which then sparked her reconnecting with him via texts. She swore this until she was blue in the face but what she didn't realise is that her phone is on my account and I managed to pull the call logs which proved she was in constant communication with him the prior 2 months we were supposed to be trying.
In fact, just 4 days after I returned home she had left for work early, telling me she was busy and needed to get a headstart, instead she spent a full hour on the phone to him before she began work at her regular time. The phone records also blew her story of this beginning roughly 6 months ago completely out of the water as she was calling him as far back as 18 months ago.
Discovering the call logs also gave me something else, his phone number. I plucked up the courage and called him, spent around 40 minutes on the phone going over things with him but I realise now I approached this all wrong. Instead of asking him to tell me his side of the story I was relaying things she had told me and asking him if that was true or not, he pretty much just confirmed everything she had said the whole time which was a huge error on my part. However, one positive did come out of this in that he was under the impression I had left her 2 months ago, she'd never told him I'd returned home and he assumed she was single these past 2 months. You can obviously never tell but the tone of his voice and how he came across changed dramatically once I told him everything we'd been up to as a couple the past 2 months, as if he was discovering she'd been cheating on him! From what she tells me he called her later that night and was absolutely furious, whether that's true or not I don't know but I did feel a slight sense of achievement that I might have ruined whatever their relationship was.
So that brings us to where we are today, I am trying to get over the hurt and pain of the whole thing whilst also trying to move on. One thing I am struggling with is the feeling that I still don't know the truth. I've told her that I want to know all the details, that she owes me that after 12 years of being together and being cheated on for 18 months but she refuses to engage in any dialogue about it. As it stands she is still sticking to the story that despite texting and calling him for 18 months she's only ever met him in person once, 3 days before we split and that she doesn't have any strong feelings for him, it's only ever been flirting.
I find this hard to believe and have told her this, brought up numerous times where she's gone away without me a day or two at a time and would be perfect opportunities for her to meet up with him but she still denies it. If I push her she will just say "you'll never believe anything I say anyway" or something similar and say "I can't do this" and just shut it down.
I've told her I want this from her as closure, that it's torture not knowing and I want to know just how much of my life has been a lie for the past year and a half but she's not forthcoming with it. This hurts me more than anything that she won't even give me that but I know from speaking with friends and family that ultimately it doesn't matter, we've split now and knowing the truth won't change anything but that doesn't stop my intense yearning to know. I've even gone to the trouble of writing out questions I want answers to and sent them to her saying that I'm not looking for an argument or to interrogate her, I just want honest answers to these questions in her own time when she's ready but even still she won't give me it.
The biggest thing that hurts is the asking me back and promising to try, then never trying and just carrying on with him like she did all the while making me torture myself over not trusting her and gaslighting me into thinking I was the one with the problem when in fact I was fully justified to have my suspicions.
So basically that's me, on my own again in the world for the first time in 12 years, without feeling like I know the whole story from my ex and struggling to come to terms with it all. I'm fearful for the future, will I find anyone? Will the two of them now become a couple? Will he become the step father to my son? Will she have a better life with him than I could have given her? Will she go onto have more children even though we decided as a couple we didn't want any more? It's tough going but I'm doing my best to struggle through. Thanks for listening.
83 comments posted: Tuesday, September 21st, 2021