Important Life Choice is eating me alive. Am I putting my life at immense risk?
Some of you know my story, but for who doesn't, here the cliff notes: 16 months ago, my Wife whom I loved very much, betrayed me with a good friend. TT, Blameshfitng, etc. Now in R, things are going REALLY well. She had several moments of awakening and is becoming once more the woman that I loved and what I think a worthy and safe life partner.
I'm writing to consult the collective wisdom of SI on a solemn life choice.
An extraordinary opportunity has come our way.
We have found our dream house in an area that we always loved and could build our house to serve as a creative studio and vacation home. A surprisingly good location, proper pricing and owner ready to accept our offer.
Currently, my WW and I don't have any children nor particularly intertwined marital assets
We are doing fine, but of course, the post-affair life and relationship are not (yet) what they used to be but in the way there's more honest communication, an immense sense of what we could lose, and a lot of love and forgiveness. H
however, committing to such an irreversible choice feels scary and overwhelming.
However, the BIGGEST problem is that this house is in the exact location where AP lives.
This means that will we will be leaving close to that asshole. We have many common friends. We will most likely run into each other at restaurant bars, grocery stores, or whatever.
Also, I could probably be away for work, and my wife will be at that house alone for weeks.
I know what you guys are thinking, and that's exactly what I've been thinking for weeks now.
I knew this sounds crazy but I trust her.
However, I am very well aware of the risks and implications.
The big questions for this post: am I putting myself in an extremely risky and painful situation? Am I inviting disaster, pain, doubt, and fear into my life?
Will being exposed to the AP reawaken my WW "waywardness"? Can I live with his fear? Is this a wise choice for our reconciliation?
One year of reading stories on this site and going through what I've gone through have made me, of course, being very skeptical and pessimistic.
Perhaps because I am a fool or naïve or because I believe in my wife I want to think that we are safe and I don't want to give up on our dream
Add the same time living my life knowing that if my wife would see the AP she would restart the affair is not a way to live. I refuse to accept this concept and live in fear.
She has brought this topic to me. She has approached me with honesty, care, and support. FYI, I'm the one that found the house.
She understands that it is excruciating and worrying for me. She is excited about the opportunity as much as me, but she understands that it could trigger me and cause havoc in our marriage. She will let me decide and will respect my choice. She has mentioned several times that we can pass on this opportunity and come up with something else to make me feel better or safer.
I am extremely torn, and I've to make a choice in ten days.
I appreciate any perspective and insights on the matter.
52 comments posted: Friday, January 28th, 2022
Divorce - Possible without lawyer, just a mediator?
After an enormously painful year of fake R, further ddays, and endless blameshifting, I've decided to start the divorce process.
Both me and WW don't have a lot of money or assets. We earn approx the same
We don't have any property, just a car (she can keep) furniture, some credit card debt, and debt with IRS.
We live in CA.
Assuming that she will accept an uncontested and amicably divorce, would it is possible to use JUST a mediator and no lawyers?
I already spoke to a lawyer and went over my financial situation and she told me that we would probably end up "even". No alimony, relatively simple asset/debt division
Would it makes sense to try to go the mediation route, saving us both thousands of dollars?
Thank you anyone for the help
5 comments posted: Monday, August 30th, 2021
Destroyed. I think this is the end. Please , please Help me
SORRY FOR THE LONG POST - SORRY FOR THE POOR GRAMMAR, NOT A NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKER
This is my first post; I’ve been reading this forum for a while, but I've never posted but now I need some serious help. My soul and mind are collapsing.
My story is similar and yet different, like every story here.
DD was 9 months ago, we started “R” a month after or so.
We have gone through a lot and I was feeling somehow hopeful.
We made promises, made “forgiving” rituals”, spent endless time together, and really felt the love flowing despite some fights and challenging conversations. Yesterday I discovered something that has pushed me to the edge.
I think the moment to give up has arrived.
I was having a STRONG intuition; after seeing my WW constantly on the phone with her horrible friend that has caused us so much harm to our M. I’ve secretly accessed my WW device (she doesn’t let me access any device) to check what was going on, and OF COURSE, I found something.
The AP has contacted my WW wife’s friend to tell her that he tried to call WW but his number was blocked, to check how my WW was doing and if she was ok. My WW horrible friend that loves drama and has obsessively attached herself to WW, they have this obsessive friendship, has immediately passed the message, stirring the drama.
We had an agreement; if the AP tries to contact you, you tell me, and we approach this as a team. She agreed.
My WW didn't tell me that he was trying to make contact.
She spent the next two days thinking about the answer to give him.
She passed the message to her friend and answer that was something like: “BS and WW are working things out, I think she tried to contact you a while ago, but I know that she cares for you a lot”
Then both WW and her friend started to talk about that, rather excited, like two teenagers.
The AP answers that he had to disappear because he felt too guilty.
WW and friend chatted about and my WW was wondering why the AP had gotten back in touch; she is” heartbroken” (quote) perhaps she was expecting something else (restarting communication or the affair)
I realized many things by reading those text
- She is still lying and hiding things from me
- WW has still strong feelings for the AP
- He actually dropped her, not the other way around -My WW told me she had cut off the affair. Basically, I am a massive PLAN B
- No remorse, no mention of our R journey, no mention of what she did to us
- Is she just waiting for a sign for the AP to start a relationship with him? Is my "M" one text or phone call away to just disintegrate?
Honestly, I think this is the end.
After painful months of promises, time spent together, lovemaking, getting closer, etc this feels like another betrayal.
I think it’s time to D.
I doubt that perhaps is worth trying more, but on what basis?
I am exhausted.
I’ve nothing else left to give.
The sadness and pain are really, really affecting me. I feel like I’m being slowly poisoned, and my soul is completely shattered.
I'm ridden with anxiety, and suicidal thoughts are back stronger than ever
Please help me navigate this.
This is my story in case someone wants to get the full context.
I’ve been with my WW for 14 years. We had an incredible love story and adventurous life. We loved each other immensely, lived together on different continents, dreamt big and chased them, and in a way, realized them.
We lived an incredibly powerful love story. She has been the most loving, supporting, caring, fun, exciting, beautiful wife a man can dream of.
There were also big problems in our marriage; constant financial struggle that really affected us, furious fighting, and (she said) emotional abuse on my end, my inability to control my emotions, mostly depression, sadness, and anger; her drug and drink abuse, and overall lack of stability.
Despite it all, we loved each other very much, and we still do. We have always been there for each other, support, helping, and inspiring each other.
And now the crack moment.
About 9 months ago the DD. I discovered a text on her phone and she confessed to me that she had slept with our old friend.
The day before, she took a hotel and spent a night with him. And a week earlier, when we had a fight and she left for a few days, she slept with him at his place.
After that, she ran away, spent a few more nights with him, lied to me extensively, and finally got back home after three weeks, because she had an imminent job starting. We spent a few days together, talking, crying, promising each other love.
During those days I discovered more lies, and she was still in contact with the AP.
We decided to separate. I left the country, spent a month in a spectacular place by the pacific, sort of an artist community to heal. It was of course horrible. She was texting me and calling me every day, telling me how much she missed and me and that she would do anything to fix our marriage, at the same time she was constantly in contact with the AP
I’ll spare you the details on the depth of my pain and despair.
I got back at our home, we decided to R.
She was working a lot, but we would spend every morning and night together; she would answer all my questions (was it true, were they lies? I don’t know) and I would feel that somehow we were on the right track. She was drinking A LOT, I guess to numb the pain?
Then I discovered she was still in contact with the AP. Big fight, she begs me for another chance. I say OK
Then a second time.
Then a third time.
In the meantime, she denies and gaslight, and NEVER let me access her devices.
I start to get paranoid, hack into her Instagram, read her texts, access her emails, and spied on her therapy session. I was going nuts, I was living in an alternate reality. I wanted the truth.
She says I am controlling, things and fights escalate: she decided to leave the country to go stay with her friends.
I went through the worst pain and insanity of my life. We were still in contact and telling how much we were missing each other.
We tried MC during that period, but the therapist on the first joint session, out of the blue, suggested a “controlled separation: My wife jumped on it, said YES, I didn’t want that, it seemed a suicidal strategy.
Emboldened by her friend, she started to tell me how abuse I had been in all our lives, how all was my fault, how I pushed her away to someone else. How things were never good between us, how terrible everything was. Because I was sad and didn’t want to lose her, I “conceded” on everything. I can see my faults in our marriage, but was she re-writing the past to make her less at fault?
All seemed lost until he called me and told me to go stay with her.
We spent two months together traveling from deserts through mountains, and heavenly beaches.
Just the two of us. Fighting, crying, sitting with our pain, talking, loving each other.
She quit drinking, I worked on self-forgiveness, abusive behaviors, and forgiving her.
We are back at our home, both trying to R and giving each other love, and spending all our free time together.
262 comments posted: Friday, May 14th, 2021