Newest Member: Maifurrypurt

I Can Relate :
When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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hopefullife ( member #71881) posted at 2:16 PM on Wednesday, January 13th, 2021

Hope everyone's holidays went well, despite the world's situation.

Happy new year! Looking forward to brighter days always.

10 yrs together. 2 yrs married. No kids.
2 Ddays. H living with OW and their child.
Focusing on self.

posts: 401   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2019
id 8625017
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Radney ( member #75125) posted at 9:12 PM on Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

Rockstar Dad, How horrible that the whole relationhip of AP and WS is shoved in your face like that! I hope there is a way for you to relocate! Stay strong and know that you are not alone.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2020   ·   location: Atlanta
id 8633943
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Bonetired ( member #78518) posted at 5:56 PM on Saturday, March 20th, 2021

My WH left me for their OP.Found out when I was 4 months pregnant.Tears everything you can imagine.He basically told me too bad get over it and I was over reacting.They are married today.I get along for my daughter's sake she is 14.Told her we separated amicably.God what a hard pill to swallow.

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8643561
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puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 10:00 PM on Sunday, March 21st, 2021

Almost two years since Dday - and they are still together.

To be perfectly honest, I wish them well. I have no real anger left. I just want us all to move on. Me, him, her. I can't be doing with the pain any more.

I still worry about her a lot, for some shitty reason. I hate it. I suddenly worry that he's going to turn out an arsehole and start abusing her/my kids.

In the mean time, I will be moving out of my folks soon. Will start dating and having fun once the virus is over. But I still have a long way to go. I'm still raw, still vulnerable. But bit by bit I am finding my freedom and future.

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
id 8643828
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Bonetired ( member #78518) posted at 12:09 AM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

Puffstuff future is a key word.What future do you want.

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8646797
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HatsandBats ( member #75938) posted at 11:51 AM on Saturday, April 17th, 2021

Just posting here in an attempt to move on from my denial. He has gone and has no desire to come back. This is not the life I planned or expected.

There’s lots I can write but one thing I am struggling with is that the AP gets away with it. WH has relapsed (alcoholic) so that is perhaps some consequences for him but if he recovers (& he’s working on this) then he gets off Scott free too. He loses financially but earns a lot anyway. And I lose financially too.

[This message edited by HatsandBats at 5:55 AM, April 17th (Saturday)]

posts: 97   ·   registered: Nov. 30th, 2020
id 8651517
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BentandBroken ( member #72519) posted at 8:06 PM on Wednesday, April 21st, 2021

HandB,

It might help to remind yourself that the AP isn't winning in this case. You're still thinking of your WH as someone who doesn't exist - the committed partner you thought you had. She's getting a cheating POS with an alcohol addiction. Their future is far from pretty, and now you're free to choose a better path. Keep referencing that list of things you won't miss about him. Because that's what the AP "gets away with" while you get a new life.

It's not easy - but you'll get there.

(((HatsandBats)))

20+ year relationshipNever officially marriedDday November 20194 wonderful grown childrenWH multiple APs, currently involved with married COWKicked him out on Dday and that was that

posts: 314   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8652688
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HatsandBats ( member #75938) posted at 7:08 AM on Thursday, April 22nd, 2021

BentandBroken - from the outside I think you’re right but he’s just come out of rehab and it feels like it’s given him a new understanding of himself and, although there’s some sadness when I confront him about what he’s doing and done, he is resolute in his choice. Before rehab he appeared to waver occasionally, when drunk, but he was lying. His relapse was due to having to face me and the terrible thing he’d done. But it feels like he now accepts that, although it hurts me, it’s ok and he thinks the children will be ok.

His prior visit to rehab was 10 years ago and he was sober for over 9 years so I know he can do it. Also, he has only cheated once in our 25 year relationship. I don’t think he will do it again to her.

It’s like she gets the therapy improved, well adjusted version of him, the one that has learnt what not to do.

That said, I had a chat yesterday with someone who also had an alcoholic spouse who cheated. They described their partner as someone who is never happy and always looking for the next thing - house, holiday, etc and the same could be said of my WH, except maybe he will change now he’s found ‘true love’.

I hope my WH is never happy as a consequence of what he’s done but fear he will be.

posts: 97   ·   registered: Nov. 30th, 2020
id 8652819
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 4:45 PM on Thursday, April 22nd, 2021

They described their partner as someone who is never happy and always looking for the next thing - house, holiday, etc and the same could be said of my WH, except maybe he will change now he’s found ‘true love’.

People don't change unless forced. He's as broken as he was with you and will fail again. It's probably more likely now that he's with someone with lower standards than yourself.

posts: 748   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8652926
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HatsandBats ( member #75938) posted at 6:17 PM on Thursday, April 22nd, 2021

Grubs maybe you’re right. I’m just not sure. He seems to be approaching AA in a different way this time, more spiritually, praying and talking about his higher power. It’s annoying because why couldn’t he have been doing it properly before?

And yet today I’ve been feeling weirdly calm. I keep thinking that maybe I’ve been set free. I’m not sure what I even mean by that because two days ago I was feeling very raw so why so different today? In the 9 years he was sober I never worried about his alcoholism, not that much so I don’t know if that’s it. I will discuss it in my next counselling session.

posts: 97   ·   registered: Nov. 30th, 2020
id 8652953
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 10:25 PM on Thursday, May 13th, 2021

Hats+Bats-

Its not that easy for people to change. Yes, he can work on his alcoholism through AA, and maybe he is clear for another 5-9 yrs. But its always something he will be working on. Just 1 sip and he's back in, but now you don't even have to worry about that 1 sip. That's his fucken problem now.

But the Alcoholic tendencies is not what brought you here, its his cheating. And you know what, that's something he hasn't addressed through AA, so chances of him just being a better person are not likely to change either.

People cheat for all sorts of reasons, but they are all weak and selfish people. Entitled, lying and deceitful low lifes. Even when you stop, you're still a cheat.

SO don't despair. You will get to move on, and find someone better. And there will be someone better. The AP hasn't won shit. And neither has your WH. Remember, they are both cheaters now together. They can facebook bling their relationship to their hearts content, but happens behinds closed doors as you now know is a lot different. So go on, live a happy and fulfilling life knowing that you did right, and things will eventually be okay. You can hold you head high with integrity and you will be in a better place at some point in the future.

posts: 1149   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8659148
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HatsandBats ( member #75938) posted at 8:44 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

Well the plan now is to move on. I think I focus on the alcoholism because I know I don’t want to live with an active alcoholic. I go to AlAnon meetings and listen to women who are much older than me, whose children have left home but, for whatever reason, (love, financial, habit) stay married to a drunk. I don’t want their life.

So if he’s going to continually relapse or even relapse only every few years then it’s easier to let go. He’s a boring, belligerent, self pitying, annoying drunk & I don’t want that or my children to have to live with it.

I think the infidelity is harder because he’s only done it once with one person who he loves. He wasn’t drinking when he started the relationship but it is the alcoholic (selfish) part of his brain that allowed it to get so far.

Anyway at the moment I’m coping ok in the day and sometimes feeling free & happy. Booked my first holiday with the children as a 3 and looking forward to it.

I’m waking up feeling a bit low though and I’m dreaming about him a lot so obviously still some way to go.

Just editing this. I KNOW I shouldn’t be checking AP’s social media but I do. I laughed out loud when I saw she’d liked something about the 6 types of courage which included something like ‘being able to do the right thing even when it’s uncomfortable’.

[This message edited by HatsandBats at 6:33 AM, May 16th (Sunday)]

posts: 97   ·   registered: Nov. 30th, 2020
id 8659924
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puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 10:54 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

it's been two years, and my wife is still with the AP.

GOOD.

Seriously, I hope they stay happy and stable.

Not my circus now, it's his.

Seriously though, it's been two years, and I wish her health and happiness, him too.

For the sake of my kids. For the sake of me.

We are all moving on.

I said after leaving after DD "I want to speak to you about three things and three things only until our son is 18: the kids, the divorce, and finances. NOTHING else. No "how was your day," or "weather's terrible isnt it".

And she's stuck with it, to her credit and left me the fuck alone to rebuild.

Infact, she has stuck with it so well that we are, I dare say, almost "friendly" now.

I have no bad feelings for her left tbh. Concern now and then maybe, but the anger and rage and hatred has largely receeded.

Life becomes a lot easier without it.

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
id 8668645
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Luckycline ( new member #74682) posted at 7:50 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

I'm just past two years since D-Day. We divorced six months after she left, five after D-Day. Since I found out I've barely heard from her except when she gave me back one of the cats she took (she sent her stepdad for the exchange) or when she comments on my reddit/emails me to tell me I was abusive our entire marriage. A narrative that only began after I found out about the cheating.

I've dated over a dozen girls since she left but it never lasts either because of something on my end or theirs. I'm trying not to need affirmation but it's hard not to after getting betrayed. Right now I'm not trying to date really but find myself feeling down a lot.

Im still hurting a lot. I still have nightmares about her, but I have and am doing a lot to rebuild and have a good life.

I've done some truly awesome things since she left and am now chasing some life long dreams. I'm planning a solo trip to Paris in April of 2022 and am hoping to move to France by the end of 2022 or early 2023.

I always dreamed of doing this and now that it's just me that has to learn the language I can pull it off.

J'espire que je serai un bon vie en France.

Me: BS Late 20s
Her: WS Late 20s. EA/PA

Married - 7 years
DDay - 6/21/2019
Separated - 05/19/2019
Filed for D - 6/24/2019
11/19 - DIVORCED

posts: 27   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2020
id 8671244
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ChoseTheSecret ( new member #79071) posted at 8:15 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Joined the forum after lurking a few days to add myself to this club. Apologies for the novel.

My story is a little different in that we had both been contemplating divorce for at least a year before WW started the affair with the guy she left to be with. Myself (37M) and WW (36F) had no children so the divorce wasn't difficult to negotiate. We were both ready to be out of the marriage.

I had been putting up with a lot of crap that stemmed from her depression and was about at the end of my rope, but I couldn't get past those vows I took on my wedding day. In sickness and in health, etc... Our marriage was already doomed before she went to this AP. I say 'this' AP because I have suspicions of drunken hookups and ONS from around five years ago. I never had much more than a gut feeling and she denied anything inappropriate when I asked.

Last October I started seeing the red flags and getting that horrible feeling in my gut that there was another person, but it was almost a relief. If I caught her or she confessed I'd have a clearer conscience about filing. We were so broken that I wasn't all that upset that I was pretty sure she was seeing someone else. By the beginning of December I was ready to confront her with my concerns, but she caught COVID. Just before Christmas I was ready again and she happened to do something very thoughtful for me that day so I decided to put it off for the holidays.

In January my intuition was screaming that she was preparing to file for D, which I was totally fine with. She came close to confessing mid-January when she randomly broke into tears, looking at me and saying "You're too good for me. You deserve someone better than me." I tried to comfort her, then as she kept saying it I asked why she'd say that and if there was anything she wanted to tell me. She shook her head 'no'. Maybe if I'd pushed a bit harder this would have been D-Day.

Finally February 1st she broke down and said she thought we should get divorced. I asked her point blank whether it was because she wanted to see someone else. She lied and said no, claiming it was time for her to be independent. She chose her secret over me, preferring to lie instead of give me the respect of the truth. I didn't like it but I was ready to proceed with an amicable divorce so I let it go.

A couple weeks later she chose her secret again. She proposed an asset split and alimony plan that was probably about $100,000 better than I'd have received from a judge. I figured she was trying to buy her way out of feeling guilty for the lies and infidelity.

Over the next three months I found little opportunities to give her a chance to confess and relieve herself of the mental weight she was carrying around, but she repeatedly denied she was seeing anyone despite some downright comical red flags. Like buying new dresses and trying them on in front of me, then denying she bought them for her new boyfriend, despite normally wearing dresses about once a year.

I said to myself "Whatever. Let's just get this over with." In just a little over four months the divorce went from a request from her to legally finished. I spent $1,900 for my attorney.

I felt good mentally despite being 99% positive she was seeing someone already. I made the decision to not keep tabs on her through social media or friends, and would be moving 1,300 miles away in a couple months so I'd have a clean break.

Then what I guess would be D-Day hit 13 days after finding out the divorce was final. My brother mentioned she was already in a relationship. I said I wasn't surprised, but asked how he knew since I hadn't told anyone my suspicions. He said she'd forgotten to unfriend him on facebook and on the same day we found out the final decree had been signed and filed, she changed her relationship status to "WW is in a relationship with AP". He told my parents that day, but I didn't know it. He also said he facebook stalked AP and he "looks like a giant douche."

I was surprised there was still a some of pain over the incontrovertible proof she'd been seeing someone and lying. I was 99% sure of that already, but somehow seeing it on the screen still hurt. More than that I was upset at the congratulatory messages that indicated many of her friends knew they were together during the divorce. I guess she was telling everyone except me and my family.

I was also embarrassed because I'd kept my suspicions from my family so they wouldn't hate her. They all knew about the new giant douche, and had spent the last 13 days hiding it from me because they thought I didn't know and would be devastated. I had to sit my parents down and give them the timeline and red flags, explain that our marriage was so dysfunctional that I'd wanted out anyway, and that I'd played along and not confronted her because she tried to buy out her feelings of guilt.

In the end what upset me the most wasn't the infidelity. It was the lying before and during the divorce, and then flaunting the new relationship online the same day she found out we were no longer married.

[This message edited by ChoseTheSecret at 3:29 PM, July 5th (Monday)]

posts: 2   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2021
id 8672560
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 SI Staff (original poster moderator #10) posted at 4:34 PM on Monday, September 20th, 2021

Wake up bump requested.

posts: 10000   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8689376
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 SI Staff (original poster moderator #10) posted at 6:51 PM on Monday, September 20th, 2021

Bump

posts: 10000   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8689393
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