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Newest Member: itspointless

I Can Relate :
When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 4:13 PM on Friday, May 20th, 2022

I can't believe it's been almost four years already.

I feel for you freshies. I've come to find that ours is truly a unique situation that not many fully understand or relate to. Few get to experience abrupt and utter rejection followed by total abandonment. Usually the cheater offers at least some appearance of caring about you, although this tends to drag things out. Comfort yourself with the thought that one day these feelings will be completely gone and you'll both cringe at and feel nostalgia for this period of your life. This is the pain of being forged by fire. Our exes gave us a ripe opportunity to reset ourselves and we can come out on the other end much better than before. Most of the others here are forced to experience months, sometimes years, of the emotional rollercoaster, always worrying what the person sleeping next to them is thinking, wanting, dreaming about. We don't have to deal with that.

EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy

posts: 1069   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018
id 8736232
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 7:45 PM on Friday, May 20th, 2022

AbandonedGuy & all who have posted so far on this thread:

I am half through reading the posts on this thread and it has been so very helpful

Following your journey and seeing your progress has given me incredible amount of hope for my future

So thank you all for posting and sharing your stories

Knowing that my husband of 25 years rejected me and is now loving someone else is too painful to bear

But I hope I, too, will have a success story to share on this thread one day

It seems impossible but I have to keep hoping and trying……

[This message edited by DailyGratitude at 7:45 PM, Friday, May 20th]

Me: BW mid 50’sHim: WH late 50’sMarrried 25 yearsDday: EA 2002 PA 9/2021Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request) WH left to be with AP

posts: 292   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8736265
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 9:41 PM on Friday, May 20th, 2022

It seems impossible but I have to keep hoping and trying……

It's still early for you. Get as much NC as you can. I was brutal and cut contact with anyone that still was in her life. I know you can't do this totally since you share adult children, but you can tell them you don't want to hear about your xwh or his ap. I really couldn't tell you what she was doing in the first few years post divorce. I made it clear even before we were divorced that I wasn't going to be her friend. If it wasn't divorce related, I ignored any form of contact from her, her friends, and family. You should do the same with your ex. Limit his access to you to just to what is neccesary conversations for your children. Like if one of them is in the hospital, not what to do for a birthday. Your children can deal with each of their parents on their own.

I think a lot of us keep the hopium trickling through. That may be just may be they'll come to their senses and come back to us. That keeps us pondering the what ifs more than if they had died. The husband you thought you had did die. He was replaced by the selfish asshole who was capable of hurting you more than anyone else. Try using that to shift your mindset.

You compromise a lot in marriage. You tend to concentrate on what both enjoy. Find those things that you wanted to do but wasn't what worked while being married. I started doing things I'd let go of due to lack of time while married. Things I enjoyed but she didn't. For me that was darts and disc golf. I had stopped playing much at all after the first few years of marriage. Concentrate on finding those old things or even new ones that bring you joy. Reconnect with old friends that drifted away. Reconnect with family. Travel. I took my first cross country trip post separation, first flight actually, and visited old friends on the other side of the country. Keep your focus on moving forward instead of reminiscing of the past.

Doing all that in addition to taking care of the house and dogs as a single person instead of part of a team kept me moving so much I didn't have much time to dwell on being rejected. Doing what made me happy and not dwelling on the past made me much more attractive when I did start seriously dating again.

posts: 1219   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8736278
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NYCchump ( new member #79754) posted at 4:33 AM on Saturday, May 21st, 2022

AbandonedGuy,

Thank you so much for that perspective. Sometimes I wonder if my cheater will ever come crawling back to me, then I am remember things like how he deleted all his photos of us together off of his IG going back 8 years. However what you describe below - attempting R with a cheater, and in my case was manipulative, emotionally and verbally abusive, and a downright liar - sounds like absolute hell. I am going to save this thought to my own little personal healing library on my phone.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jan. 7th, 2022
id 8736323
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 2:34 PM on Saturday, May 21st, 2022

Nyc

I have the same problem of hoping ex will come back

My longings resurface especially when I see him and he shows "remorse" and tells me how sorry he is and how he fucked up a good thing

When things aren’t going well with the AP he will text me to tell me how great I am etc

Those words keep me hooked

I know in my head he’s no good

He was never good

But I just can’t detach

So so hard

Reading the posts on this thread has been helpful

I hope you and I will have success stories to share one day soon

Hang in there and stay strong!

[This message edited by DailyGratitude at 2:38 PM, Saturday, May 21st]

Me: BW mid 50’sHim: WH late 50’sMarrried 25 yearsDday: EA 2002 PA 9/2021Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request) WH left to be with AP

posts: 292   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8736347
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NYCchump ( new member #79754) posted at 2:22 AM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022

DailyGratitude,

I hope you are staying strong too. May I gently suggest that you try to not respond to your WH? It sounds like you are keeping him in cake by replying/have a strong case of hopium. The book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" really helped me sort through this mess and put me in the right mindset to try to move forward (even if my progress only feels like baby steps). I would definitely recommend it if you haven't read it yet.

Mine hasn't contacted me at all for anything aside from trying to say hi at a friend's wedding, I gave him the Heisman (literally) and didn't speak to him at all. If he ever texts me my response will be something along the lines of "you treated me like dogshit, why on earth would I want to talk to you" - if I even respond at all.

For me, if my cheater came crawling back to me, it would be more of an "I told you so" before kicking him to the curb again. It's a fun fantasy that I kind of clinged to before I found out he was still with his AP that is now not likely to happen. When I get frustrated that he has moved on, yet I don't trust men because of what he did to me (or even trust my own judgement right now), I just try to remember that these are two sick people that ultimately deserve each other because of their disgusting behaior.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jan. 7th, 2022
id 8736480
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 3:24 AM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022

NYCchump:
Thank you for the book recommendation. I’ve listened to Leave a Cheater on audio book many times and LOVED it. It has given me much clarity.

I am having a hard time letting go because i don’t want him to be happy with another woman. He was supposed to be mine for life, you know? I have a problem accepting my new reality. I can’t believe this happened. I wish I could go back and do things differently. Yes, this is total hopium. Sigh.

Me: BW mid 50’sHim: WH late 50’sMarrried 25 yearsDday: EA 2002 PA 9/2021Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request) WH left to be with AP

posts: 292   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8736486
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NYCchump ( new member #79754) posted at 2:52 AM on Thursday, June 2nd, 2022

I spent the last few days reading through this whole thread. This definitely seems like a lonely club but it was so encouraging to see many here pick up the pieces and move forward with their lives over the years. It gives me hope my xWBF and his AP will some day be a distant memory as it has become for many here.

Something the1stwife said recently really struck a chord to my situation - they cheat because it is the easy way out. I think this is SO true with my xWBF - he's had it easy his whole life. Smart, funny, athletic - I remember his mom telling me once that when he was in high school he would goof off, not pay attention, and distract the other students in his class. She would be called in to the school and point out that his grades were fine and the teachers couldn't argue. No consequences. He's from a state where if you have a high school GPA above a certain number you can automatically get into any of their very good state universities. So easy. This man has never done anything difficult in his life and probably never will. Me kicking him out of our home was the first time he ever encountered anything remotely resembling a consequence of his actions.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jan. 7th, 2022
id 8738171
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 3:33 AM on Thursday, June 2nd, 2022

NYC

If you haven’t read this thread below, I highly recommend it. I discovered it yesterday and it is so good. Wish I had known about it earlier.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/361740/great-posts-for-newbies-to-read-/?ap=1

Below is an excerpt from the thread about cheaters who leave:

When they leave, they aren't running from the marriage - they're running from themselves. Some people have the narcissistic notion that they are spotless white knights or pure maidens and they can't go back to what they destroyed because they would have to face themselves and put in the effort to make it right. Romantic relationships are often idealized in that we will get what we want without putting in the effort required. However, the status of a relationship is simply the output of what is invested in it. Couple this with the devaluation of the faithful spouse that the wayward spouse cultivates and it is easy to see why. Leaving the marriage offers the path of least resistance for them and the easiest way to deal with the mess they have created -by starting fresh and denial of the truth.

[This message edited by DailyGratitude at 3:35 AM, Thursday, June 2nd]

Me: BW mid 50’sHim: WH late 50’sMarrried 25 yearsDday: EA 2002 PA 9/2021Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request) WH left to be with AP

posts: 292   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8738178
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NYCchump ( new member #79754) posted at 5:48 AM on Saturday, June 25th, 2022

DG - excellent quote. The part about not being able to face themselves is very true I think.

I'm still finding it hard to internalize this though, especially on "down" days like the one I had today. Sometimes it's hard to focus on how much better off you are without a cheater/liar/narcisisst/abuser in your life and just feel like a victim or second-guess that what happened is ultimately for the best because it got that horrible person out of your life.

I hope you are doing well DG!

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jan. 7th, 2022
id 8741892
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:52 AM on Saturday, June 25th, 2022

Understand the situation of the cheating spouse leaving for the AP.

I post this story often b/c it’s a true story AND gives you some idea of wayward thinking.

H is cheating in his wife with a co-worker. H divorced his wife and married his co-worker trophy wife. He had no idea the hell he was entering.

She requires extensive dermatology visits to keep up her appearance.

She is a full blown alcoholic.

She tries to be the "super step mom" but his kids just tolerate her. She throws $ at her "step kids" (who are all adults) thinking she’s doing something positive. They accept the $ and tolerate her.

The H is miserable!!!!! He’s made a HUGE Mistake! But his ego won’t let him admit his second wife is making his life a living hell. If she’s hungover and they have plans and she can’t make it, HE has to cancel. He cannot be out of her sight b/c after all, he a known cheater. And shes afraid he will cheat in her.

So don’t believe the CS/AP relationship is what it appears to be. Most second marriages that start as affairs don’t last. Geez I wonder why?! laugh

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:53 AM, Saturday, June 25th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12157   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8741900
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 6:31 PM on Saturday, June 25th, 2022

Women who sleep married men lack morals, values, and character. And the affair relationship is built on lies and deception. Hence, i can understand it falling apart. But what about the subsequent ones? I hate to think that my ex could have a wonderfully happy relationship with someone else. It’s not that i wish him unhappiness. It just breaks me to imagine him being happy with another woman when that woman was supposed to me.
I know I shouldn’t care about his future and I ought to focus on my own life…. But my mind goes there sometimes.

Me: BW mid 50’sHim: WH late 50’sMarrried 25 yearsDday: EA 2002 PA 9/2021Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request) WH left to be with AP

posts: 292   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8741950
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NYCchump ( new member #79754) posted at 3:43 AM on Monday, June 27th, 2022

I can't really speak to how high maintenance my xWBF's AP was/is, all I know is that if she was aware that he had a long term, live-in GF at the time she's just as horrible of a person as he is and they deserve each other and whatever anxiety they put each other through due to the fact each has shown to each other that they are untrustworthy/have no morals.

As far as future partners go, I have to imagine any respectable person would eventually go running in the opposite direction. At least in my situation, basically none of our mutual friends speak to my ex anymore after what he did, particularly those that live in NYC and had observed over the last few years how he had been treating me. If this woman had any sense whatsoever, she would be wondering why he has no friends in a city he's lived in for 5 years, why she will have to travel to meet his friend group, and so on. Eventually the red flags will pop up, the new person will have suspicions, and the waywards' lies will keep on haunting them because they can't tell the truth. If that's ok with someone, as I said, they deserve each other.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jan. 7th, 2022
id 8742102
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