SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Whenever I think about what if they fought to keep us, my mind brings me back to that post someone said in this thread a long time ago that while being abandoned hits deeply and differently, in the long run we are way better off than those who are trying or tried to reconcile. It's case to case for each of us, but I see that clearly for myself how that's true. Things are where they're supposed to be. I was spared time of trying to reconcile an irreconcilable marriage.

I'm still affected by the trauma at times, it's not 100% gone but it's rare and I'm doing great. I have never wished them harm but now maybe I can even say I wish them well. I hope the cycle of traumatizing others ends with them, hope their kids become unlike their parents and grow to be loyal and moral individuals.

It takes time and strength, but the farther you go the better it becomes even if it seems impossible to get there. Stay strong, everyone.

@hopefullife
Thank you for your post.

I read your story and I am sorry that you had to go through the horrific journey of betrayal and abandonment
The progress you’ve made is incredible. I don’t think I can EVER wish my ex and the AP well…..this two cheating lying dirtbags do not deserve a good life.
I am healing but have serious doubts that I can genuinely be happy one day. However, your post has given me a glimmer of hope.
I hope I can get there one day.
Thanks again for taking the time to write.

Question: Do I belong here?

The WXH ended up marrying the OW after I kicked him out and D'd him. I'm sure he would have waivered back and forth between us as long as one or both of us permitted him to behave that way. He wanted to be with whomever made him feel better at that moment. While he did end up marrying her, that leopard hasn't changed his spots - meaning now, he cheats on her. I don't think he did one single moment of introspection and just continued his behavior into his next relationship.

It's funny, but I didn't and don't feel any need to get any type of revenge on her, because she brought it all onto herself. I KNOW how awful it is to have to live with him. And he's alllllll hers now!

But he didn't necessarily leave me for her. As a matter of fact, when we D'd, he had a job with the state where he distributed the list of legal events, including marriages and divorces, to the local newspapers. He omitted our divorce listing so that he wouldn't be pressured into marrying her. He actively HID OUR DIVORCE from her. I think he's pathologically allergic to the truth.

Please try to convince me that this is on the long run the best outcome for me! I just don’t see it. I’m to hurt.

[This message edited by Helena67 at 1:11 PM, Sunday, December 25th]

Hi Helena

This is my first post for a very, very long time. I joined in 2010 and hung out in LTA for several years.

If you read my story you will see that I let my F(?)WH stay. He had multiple LTAs during most of our marriage. This year was the 40th anniversary of our marriage. I am now 66. I found out when I was 54.

I would never presume to advise someone to stay with a WS or leave.

In my case, finding out was horrific. For some I know the pain goes or lessens. For me its still just shit!

I stayed for lots of reasons which had little to do with my husband, although I did hope our marriage would be better. It isn't really - not much anyway.

For me, the pain will never go. There are many days I hate him and wish he had left for his last OW or that I had kicked him out. Sad really.....

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I truly hope you find peace and happiness without him. There are no guarantees either way.

Hugs

Laura

This is my first post and I'm not even sure if I belong here. I suppose I just want to be heard by someone, so thank you if you're taking the time out to read this. This Tuesday would have been 13 years of being together, but I've been spending the weekend grieving our relationship and accepting the end of our marriage. I told my WS to choose between blocking his AP or handing in the rest of the divorce paperwork, and I wish I could say that he finally decided to fight for our marriage.

I did my best to do the 180 and grey rock. I never contacted him first. But I did foolishly respond to him at times when I shouldn't have. I let him hurt me again and again, all because I believed in his potential to change instead of his actions. I tolerated more than I should have for someone who was never going to be remorseful. Not once did he ever try to cut contact with his AP while asking to reconcile. It was my fault for sweeping that fact under the rug, which I only did because it hurt too much to face and accept that he was okay with disrespecting and hurting me.

It's hard to let go. But I know I have to. Looking at all the facts, I know it best that someone like him doesn't deserve a second chance. The scariest part is that he's been in therapy this entire time while he's been having the affair and he hasn't changed at all. Not one bit. I don't really know what to say anymore. I just feel sick and numb right now.

I don't want to say that I'm proud of myself for following through with the process because it wasn't one I ever wanted. I hope one day I can look back on this moment and thank myself for being strong enough to walk away. I wouldn't have had the strength to do so without the helpful resources and thoughtful posts from the SI community, so thank you all for sharing your painful experiences and the knowledge you've gained from them with us. It's impossible to describe what betrayal actually feels like if you've never experienced it, and I'm sorry that we're in this club that we never asked to be in.

I’m so sorry for your pain. You don’t deserve this!
Unfortunately I know exactly how you feel. My STBX also chose his AP. I recently read the book "leave a cheater, gain a life" and it has helped me a lot. It explains cheaters and chumps (us). I now truly believe that in the end we chumps are better off. I send you strength. Take care of yourself.

Laura, thank you for you respons! Hugs!

The scariest part is that he's been in therapy this entire time while he's been having the affair and he hasn't changed at all.

Therapy only works when you are want it to and are honest to your IC. Good chance the answer to both of those questions about your STBX was no.

@grubs

Yeah, I agree. He has admitted that who he is right now isn't a good person, but he isn't making any effort to change his behavior. It's heartbreaking.

Well, here I am again. I'm having a very difficult and dark day. The divorce is in a very advanced stage. I should be glad that it is almost done. But I'm not. I feel the pain, the loss, the unfairness, the loneliness. How do you cope with a trauma like this? When does come acceptance? When I will be able to move on?

Helena
Just want to send you thoughts of love and hope. May you find moments of joy and peace as you go through this very difficult journey. Be assured that your STBWH’s new life with the OW will NOT be blessed. Yours, however, is full of new and wonderful possibilities. The author of the book The Gift (can’t recall her name Edith something) said when we face painful situations, we need to get excited and curious about what comes next. You are starting a new chapter. You might be full of fear and anxiety. But it could also lead you to love and life that you never thought possible.
Sending you strength to get through this.

I should be glad that it is almost done. But I'm not. I feel the pain, the loss, the unfairness, the loneliness. How do you cope with a trauma like this? When does come acceptance? When I will be able to move on?

It's different for everyone. You should be feeling those feelings. You didn't choose to have your marriage blown up. This wasn't how you wanted your marriage to go, but you didn't have a partnerwith which to work. Grieve your marriage, but also work on finding what makes you happy without him. For me that was easy. I picked back up on my hobbies I had given up for her.

Having such a tough time the past couple of days. After finding out my XF and his AP just had a romantic trip to the mountains only 3 months after DDay, (two months after we ended our relationship, and less than one month after she left her husband). He used the classic tactics of blaming me for his cheating because he wasn’t attracted to me, along with him gaslighting me while I had been suspecting the affair a long time ago. When he left he framed it as I emotionally exhausted him and he needed to find what makes him happy in life by going to therapy. As no surprise, that all went out the window and he is now with his AP who left her husband for him.

I feel so much. Im so upset that he turned this on me making it sound like I emotionally abused him when he NEVER brought any concerns up to me ever in the relationship. I feel intense anger towards both of them for leaving their exes in the dust right before the holidays while they’re out travelling. I’m angry that he was so complacent in our relationship and never planned anything like their getaway. I really feel like the chump since he’s out living his best life with her right now while I’m left with the trauma and crying almost every day.

The Distraction, I'm not sure I'm allowed to post on this thread since I'm currently in R, but I just wanted to respond to you because what they did is just such a twist of the knife.

I don't know what it's like to be married or engaged and see your WS living their best life with their AP, but I have been cheated on by a boyfriend who left me for an AP (who was his ex-gf and had been harassing me our entire relationship). Later, I ended up getting back together with him (yes, I know, stupid), and he would tell me how he bought her flowers and planned things with her, things he never did for me. It was heart-wrenching--and that was just a dumb boyfriend I had in my early twenties. So I can only imagine the devastation associated with a broken engagement and shattering your future plans.

It's unfair when people treat us horribly and seem to be rewarded for it. But, it's very likely the fog will lift for them soon, and they won't seem so happy. Maybe a few solitary days in the mountains even made them realize they don't like each other that much?

But I just hope you remember there was nothing you could have done differently in the relationship. This is all on him.

"He used the classic tactics of blaming me for his cheating because he wasn’t attracted to me, along with him gaslighting me while I had been suspecting the affair a long time ago. When he left he framed it as I emotionally exhausted him and he needed to find what makes him happy in life by going to therapy. As no surprise, that all went out the window and he is now with his AP who left her husband for him."

I am so sorry this happened to you. Ex WH left me for AP lifestyle and was planning an exit with a POTrash AP so I can sadly relate.
Keep your chin up and you will come out on top!

I thought I’d post here as I have unique perspective of long term relationships born from infidelity as my mum left my dad and us kids to go on and marry her AP.

My mum and AP are still together 30 years later. But their relationship is not unicorns and rainbows. AP has my mum on a pedestal just the way she likes it and anyone looking at them or knows them would think they’re happy and in love. They hold hands when they go for a walk and he plays with her feet when they watch tv but he is constantly terrified of her leaving. He follows her around the house and hates it when she used to come and visit me and the grandkids without him. Neither of them have any close friends just other couples they know superficially for dinner parties and stuff. Her AP is a massive introvert and just wants to do hobbies on his own most of the time. My mum fills her time with hollow friends. She is never satisfied and this manifests with them moving house every few years searching for I don’t know what.

The pain they caused my dad , sister and me was immense but I’ve forgiven them now and we have a good relationship. I’ll never accept what they did and I feel sorry for them really. I know that if my mum’s AP wasn’t so terrified of losing her their relationship would be a sham but he bends over backwards to please her and it’s never enough.

If you’re reading this waiting for the karma bus to hit your WP and AP know that it might not come the way you want. They might stay together and from the outside everything looks great but I promise it’s really not. You can read up on mate poaching to feel better too. It doesn’t work out for them even if they project an impression that it does.

[This message edited by Jajaynumb at 2:01 PM, Tuesday, February 20th]

Hello,

I am a returning SI participant going on over ten years since initial D-Day.

Ex WH (I called him "Perv" for years because I couldn't say his name for a long time) met OW during the marriage to me. I don't say our marriage because in looking back, it was always him saying me and you or mine and yours. Dating sites were fairly new then, or at least not very known in the area and group of people most socialized with, though apparently he had another set of people he socialized with and learned about it.

Ex WH pretended to come back to the marital home and to the marriage. Put on the rings, was going to re-do vows, apologized profusely to anyone who would listen and BAM! I got pregnant. During that time, Ex WH had gotten fired from a (decent) job and moved in with OW, but pretended to go to work and actually moved out while I attended school events and doctor's appointments for DD and my pregnancy.

When the baby (DS) arrived (quite late), Ex WH would drive my car to his home with OW and back (2 hours away and in another state).

Ex WH told OW that he was a widower, to explain DD (now grown up, phew). Ex WH also had taken out a multi-hundred thousand insurance policy on me, but I am not dead all these years later...my divorce lawyer found it and told him to cancel it.

New Baby (DS), DD and I were allowed to stay in the marital home until DS was born. So, quite literally a week later, the lights did not come on, the well broke and we were let to run out of wood-I was stay at home mom already over ten years.

I can remember packing our stuff, looking for an apartment, looking for a job. Driving a 12 year old to middle school while newborn DS tried to sleep and all the other things we do for kids of those ages, alone, for the majority of my family of origin has moved away.

Fast forward to now (2024). DD moved on and is grown up and DS is over ten years old. We became homeowners during the pandemic lockdown in a nearby area and I no longer let Ex WH into my home or even in my yard, for not being able to trust him.

I have a savings account now and will never let myself or us be put in such a position, ever again. Although I have long periods of being alone (the visitation for DS still goes on, as they do) it is better than worrying constantly what another adult is doing, when is he coming home, WILL he come home tonight, when will I hear from him again and so on?

Divorce also told me to live only where I can pay for it by myself and that simple is best-in every way.

I wish everyone on SI safety and peace in these uncertain times and just know that if I can do it, from having nothing and no money to homeowner, college graduate and DS having high honors, anyone can.

Thank you.

That is an amazing update! Thank you for sharing!