If you’ve reconciled, what do you do with the memories?

For those of you who have reconciled or are reconciling, what do you (both WS and BS) do with the memories/facts of the affair? I am a BS currently in R. I feel stuck because I don’t know what to do with the memories of the affair-
My WH loving someone else, having sex with another woman, having intimate conversations with AP, the lies he told me, the stupid shit and hurtful things he’s said to me, etc
My WH is remorseful and has apologized thousand times. But still… I find myself in a place where I am holding onto these memories not knowing what to do with them. It’s like a Xmas gift you received that you really don’t want.
Do I just accept that it happened and move on?
Do I bury it deep in my head and hope it never resurfaces?
What do I do with what happened?
Hope this question makes sense…

4 comments posted: Thursday, August 3rd, 2023

Help me to understand APs

This may be a stupid and futile effort but I feel the need to understand WHY and HOW some become APs. I read on SI of situations where affair ends, wayward returns to spouse/partner and works on reconciliation. Then some time later the AP is back in the picture ad brings even more devastation to the betrayed.
I just don’t understand how someone can do such a thing. Can someone shed some light?

35 comments posted: Wednesday, August 2nd, 2023

Help me to change the narrative

I’m a bs. We are about 11 months into R. Journey to the start of R was very difficult but it is going well albeit with ups and downs.
I am seeing changes in WH that are positive and real.
But I am stuck in my healing and in R because I am having a hard time accepting, letting go, or processing, getting past, stopping the mind movies what happened.
I am torn and crushed by:
what wh and AP had together, special moments they shared, laughing behind my back, planning a future together, time spent together, holding each other, saying I love you, thinking they were in love, the emotional connection, the excitement, passion, longing, etc etc.
I am holding onto THEIR memories. And they are memories I’ve concocted in my mind based on what I know and what WH has told me.
I want to find a narrative that is helpful for my healing. How do I do that? My brain believes my narrative to be true based on the evidence I’ve collected.
Thank you

3 comments posted: Friday, July 28th, 2023

What actions do I look for?

I know that i should be looking at WH’s actions, not words. And from my vantage point, he seems to be doing the right things.
HOWEVER, I get anxious because there are many stories of BS coming back to tell us they’ve been cheated on again. They thought their reconciliation was going well, WH had changed, marriage was strong, etc. And yet, they find themselves back to more devastation and heartache. Completely blindsided again.
That puts me on an emotional tightrope. Am I being conned by my WH as well? Is he just putting on an act like other WS who ends up cheating again? What actions are more real than others? I want to feel safe in this marriage. At this time, I do feel much safer than I did at the start of R. but when I look at other BS who were betrayed again and i can’t help wonder, didn’t they also feel safe? Didn’t they think their marriage was going well? And bam the rug was pulled under from them again! Am i letting their stories cloud my emotions?

7 comments posted: Tuesday, June 27th, 2023

Sex and desire

embarrassed to even ask this question…. Would like some feedback from male perspective.
My WH (60. Years old) doesn’t seem very interested in sex with me. He initially used the common line "we weren’t having sex" as one of the excuses for his affair. He experimented with ED drugs with AP and had a LOT of sex with her.
Anyway, he has since developed ED for real. He says his lack of interest in sex is due to him being tired and stressed. This is not true. Then he mentioned something about being embarrassed about ED.
Could this be the reason he doesn’t want to have sex? Do men correlate sex with intercourse? Meaning, do men feel like intercourse is a requirement? Or if we just kissed and had OS, he somehow failed as a man?
Or could it be that he’s just not attracted to me or desire me?

13 comments posted: Sunday, June 4th, 2023

Question for WS and BS who have successfully reconciled

WH and I are about 7 months into R. We are working hard and making progress. I believe trust, commitment, and communication will continue to improve between us. HOWEVER, I don’t know if and how my triggers re: AP could ever get better. Whenever I see women who remind me of AP, I get very triggered. And I wonder if my WH also has an emotional reaction to women who look like her.

My question for BS: if you’ve successfully reconciled, do you still get triggered by people who remind you of the AP? If so, how do you deal with it? If you longer get triggered, how did you get to that point? Did it just happen over time?

For WS: when did you eventually stop thinking about AP, if at all? When you see people who remind you of AP, does it elicit any emotions or memories?

13 comments posted: Sunday, May 21st, 2023

Affair leads to murder in New Jersey

Just read in the news….
A prominent attorney and ex-cop in Montclair N.J shot his girlfriend to death and tried to flee to Cuba. The victim got involved with the attorney 14 years ago while he was married and they’ve had a tumultuous relationship since. Apparently she started another affair with a married man in florida and was planning on leaving the attorney to be with her AP.
If convicted, the attorney can get life in prison.
My heart breaks for their 10 year old daughter. Her mom is dead and her dad may end up in prison for life.
Infidelity is devastating and destructive on all levels.

3 comments posted: Saturday, May 13th, 2023

ED after affair?

my WH never had issues with ED in our 31 years of marriage.

However, during his one year affair, he experimented with different ED drugs. He was addicted to AP and the sex he had with her.

And now he seems to have ED for real. He can’t seem to get it up except when i give him os. Is this because he’s not attracted to me or because he’s thinking of AP? Is this because he wants to have sex with AP instead?

16 comments posted: Thursday, May 11th, 2023

Why do waywards go back to their spouses and reconcile?

During and soon after A is discovered, waywards say things like:
I am not in love with BS
I thought our marriage was over
I am not attracted to BS
I was not happy in this marriage
I didn’t see a happy future with my BS
My AP is my soulmate
I am in love with my AP
My AP gets me and makes me feel loved
MY AP is everything I ever dreamt of
I love sex with AP
I can have XYZ sex with AP but not with BS
Etc, etc

So, why do most WS go back to their spouses and try to R?
Why not leave BS for either AP or other prospects?
Why go back to the "unhappy" marriage?

25 comments posted: Thursday, May 4th, 2023

breaking up with AP vs other relationships

Would love to hear from both BS and especially from WS
How is break up with AP different than from other relationships? I am curious because affairs tend to have a limerant aspect to them.
Some WS on SI have said their feelings toward AP during affair were "infatuation, addiction, dopamine hit, self adulation, fantasy"
If so, is getting over AP more difficult? Is there more pining? Wanting to get high again?

5 comments posted: Monday, April 24th, 2023

What makes R difficult for the WS?

I’ve heard and read that R is very difficult for both parties. And I believe it.
As a BS in R for about 6 months, I I have an idea as to what makes it difficult for BS. Triggers about the affair, anger toward the WS and AP, grief over loss of what we once had, not feeling special, crushed self-esteem, doubt about ourselves and WH, fear that WS will cheat again, etc.
What about the WS?
What struggles, challenges, difficulties, and hurdles do WS have in R?

6 comments posted: Friday, April 21st, 2023

Anger toward AP

My anger toward the AP has subsided a lot since dday. However I have days when it comes back. I just can’t get over the fact that she "got away with it."
She’s divorced single woman. Has a high paying job and gets public accolades for her professional achievements. She knew WH was married. I am angry because I feel like she got off without any consequences for her actions. She had fun, five star vacations, gifts, She resumes living her life like nothing ever happened.

21 comments posted: Friday, April 14th, 2023

Shame in staying

When my friends found out I am reconciling with my WH, most had a judgmental look. Some even went onto say "why would you do that, I would never do that, I would let the cheating bastard go, only the weak women stay, etc". None of them have been betrayed or have had family members go through infidelity.
Very hurtful stuff. And i can’t help wonder what WH’s friends think of me for staying. Are they saying the same thing? Am i being viewed as pathetic loser who can’t do better?

If you were met with similar reactions from your friends and family, how did you deal with that? Are BS indeed weak for staying? Is there something wrong with us?

32 comments posted: Sunday, April 9th, 2023

Ladies: do you compare yourself to the AP

My WH are doing fairly well on R.
However, I have a problem with comparing myself to AP.
She is much more flirtatious, "fun," better dresser, articulate, and more sexually adventurous. She talks about sex openly and in language I am not comfortable with (I deduced these things from the data I gathered while I did "detective" work to uncover the affair)
I can see why my WH was drawn to her.
I feel insecure in many ways. I never had strong self esteem to begin with.
I wonder if WH compares me to AP in and out of the bedroom.
I don’t want to ask WH because
#1. He probably won’t tell me the truth
#2. If he does tell the truth, it may not do any good

Any advice on how I can get over this?

32 comments posted: Monday, March 13th, 2023

Have you confronted the AP?

If you have confronted the AP, what has the reaction/ response of the AP been?
I am curious if APs feel any guilt over what they have done.

33 comments posted: Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

Does it matter how the affair ended?

In terms of having a successful reconciliation, does it matter how the affair ended? Meaning if the WS ended it vs being dumped by the AP?

12 comments posted: Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

Helping WS with shame

Hello
My first time posting.
Married 30 years with grown children.
WH and I are reconciling after he had a 1 year physical affair with a business colleague. It’s been six months since the affair ended. He appears to be remorseful. I can see it in his face when he apologizes. He may still miss her but I don’t believe there has been any contact.
The hurdle we keep encountering is his shame. I don’t bring up the affair often because I don’t need to know the details. I know enough. But when I do, he shuts down. He says it’s because he’s ashamed and embarrassed. He doesn’t want to talk about the past and "move on". He’s not open to therapy nor is he reading books on infidelity recovery. He seems to just want to forget it ever happened. What am I dealing with here? Is there anything I can do? I will post this in "questions for waywards" as well.

15 comments posted: Saturday, January 21st, 2023