Daughter attempted suicide
Well SI friends I am sitting here in my house exhausted and afraid. I came home after a walk in the nick of time to stop my daughter from killing herself. Caught her with knife in hand attempting to kill herself. Ran after her to her bedroom and confronted her . I got it out of her that she had been planning it for awhile. I called the suicide hotline and spoke with someone who also spoke with my daughter. Took her to a lock down unit and dropped her off tonight. Stayed with her for as long as I could. Held her tight and wanted so badly to take her home with me and it took everything in me to let her go. I felt things tearing me up inside when I left her there. Thought about counting her ten fingers and then toes when she was born. Thought about how I always wanted to protect her and give her the world but couldn't. Thought about holding her as a baby thinking this is the most valuable treasure in the world. I feel like blaming myself right now and it just hurts so bad. Love that girl more than my own life. Shit...crying buckets right now. Am alone in this. Husband is out of town and she didn't want her dad or stepmom there. When I spoke to her biological father about being home tomorrow his response was "Well I am going camping". I reached my now husband and he said he will be here tomorrow morning. Will contact his job and come right home. He is a ways away. God this hurts. Just needed to reach out to someone now.
101 comments posted: Wednesday, June 16th, 2021
Stopped an infidelity before it could go any further.
So I don't post new subjects much however since coming to SI to deal with triggers I began my journey in learning the signs of infidelity.I am currently married and love my husband very much.This being said I think unknowingly I stopped a possible situation that could have lead to infidelity although I could be wrong.
It was several months prior to looking for answers and finding SI. I had lived a life that was full of infidelities already. Being left while pregnant twice in my life.I had been cheated on multiple times.My choices I think stemmed from my parents marraige and continued through my life. My picker was broken so to speak.
Fast forward to being married to my now husband. I never discouraged the use of porn in a (what I was told was ) healthy way how ever after quite a few years I noticed my husband's use always pushed the boundaries of healthy. At one point I noticed he had signed up for online groups with swingers and such. He would engage several women in conversations that were sexual in nature. He engaged me in conversations about this lifestyle and exploring it. Me wanting to be open and not discouraging for fear of driving him away sat and listened to this politely.This began my discomfort how ever not knowing what to do I felt I had no room to voice my concerns. Sometime after he was on this site I noticed that he had grown quite fond of one person in particular. A woman who was married and a swinger. He would often communicate with her after I went to bed and first thing in the morning before speaking with me. She always fed him that kibble.Sending him pics and telling him sexual things on line. He began to only engage in sexual intercourse with me after having a convo with said woman that got him charged. After awhile I noticed their discussions turned into how they could meet eventually. I had finally had it several months into this behavior and blew my stack with him. Now mind you he had not met her or had been with her physically but a part of me recognized this as an infidelity. It was leading him down that road even if he himself did not see it.
So....I cleared the air one night. I let my anger show with him and explained a few things. One being I didn't sign up for this shit. That he was transferring his emotional affection to her from me as evidence that she was the last person he spoke to at night and the first in the morning. I made it clear I wasn't going to do this with him and be a (sorry for my language here.) Come dumpster to some woman he was currently having an EA as well as a online affair with and if he ever wanted sex from me again it better be me he is having sex with so open your fucking eyes when we are asshole. Anyways...I let him have it. I felt validated by speaking my truth and my pain in that moment.After I had my words with him and it was fucking cathartic to say the least. He tried to rug sweep and the usual but I held his feet to the flame.Made it very clear how I felt on it and wasn't budging. I put on my walking shoes and left for several hours after that to let my words simmer with him. So fast forward to later that night. After I went to bed he came in later holding me letting me know how much he loves me and how sorry he was for what has happened. The next day I noticed he deleted all online chat groups from his phone involved with meeting and possibly hooking up with said partners. We had a heart to heart on it. He lets me see everything and so far has been very cooperative with anything I ask.So far as I know no repeats. I am a true believer in PI. So once in awhile without consulting I look into things in regards to his activities to make sure there is nothing happening without his knowledge. Do I feel I am violating Something? Fuck no! Do I feel justified in going behind his back to investigate what the F he is up to? Hell yes I do! What really hurts is that I don't think I will ever trust not just him but anyone any longer. Since this incident I have been retriggered and have had to deal with it the best I can. I know what he did was dumb and I know me trying to be accepting of it was as well. I know it was dumb of me just sitting the sidelines watching it all.happen. My whole life my boundaries had been crossed and when I protested the results were severe so I developed an inmate fear of erecting said boundaries.
This just hurts though. I feel like I have lived my whole life fighting against this shit and sometimes I am just so tired . I always wonder 'Am I the only one who finds this shit fucked up ???'
I want to thank SI. For a couple of months now I have read other people's stories that seem to connect with mine and it has helped in it's own strange way. I have been triggered less and less and have learned that it's healthy to let your partner know where you stand when it comes to these subjects. The healing library has been a Godsend and I have read the materials that have been suggested although not completely. So glad you guys are here and hugs for now ❤️
21 comments posted: Wednesday, May 26th, 2021
Betrayal trauma long after the damage has been done
Ok here it is.I have been through a lot of betrayal in my life.It started with Dad leaving mom and confessing he didn't love her or me and my siblings.This led me down a trail of bad relationships and dangerous situations involving rape and infidelity.I have had several children by different men who cheated on me and in some very cruel ways.I was 4 months pregnant with one and my now ex was horrible.He hated me and my belly.Would leave for several days and now I know who with.He would call me crazy and look at me like I was dirt on the bottom of his shoe.That is only one example but I did survive.Today I am happily married to someone who is good for me.My problem is I still live with the results of what happened in my past.Insomnia,a tight feeling in my chest,hyper vigilance on keeping an eye out for more cheating,foggy brain,my body is feeling tired because it seems to be starting to manifest in physical ways.I ache all the time.I occasionally am triggered by incidents that bring back the memories of what happened and I become unsettled.It could be something as simple as a perfume smell or a song on the radio and I suddenly feel that hurt.Sometimes it triggers nightmares.Deep down I have this fear it's going to happen inevitably.Logical brain can't convince my illogical brain that everything is going to be ok.People have told me to just get over it and I truly believe I have.It's like my body hasn't and still responds in a fight or flight fashion at times creating trauma all over again.I feel like I have no control over this response.It's like I am wired to be this way now.Despite that I am in a good place right now in my life I still feel it at times lurking around the corner to pounce on me.How do I reprogram my body and subconscious to let go of this???
9 comments posted: Tuesday, March 16th, 2021