The best description of betrayal I have heard
In my early days after leaving her, a few weeks after DD, it was very hard to describe the pain and terror I was going through. I literally couldn't think in a straight line. It was horrendous. People nodded and were beutifully sympathetic and supportive but I still had the sense that they couldn't really identify (most having never had it happen to them).
A therapist I saw changed that. When I described why I couldn't describe teh agony to others because no words seemed to do she said, "was it like this:
you were both climbing a mountain together, you're enjoying the view, camping, stopping for picnics, crossing rivers, taking beautiful photos, some days its challanging, some days its beautiful. You get higher and higher and when you are at the top they turn around, look you in the eye...and push you off."
and that, that there was the first time i had heard the visciral reality of my experience. no metaphor. it was THAT level of terror. it was like the one you love suddenly pushing you off a mountain - out of the blue, with no prior warning
suddenly someone "got it". she understood. i will never, ever forget that conversation and her little analogy.
my healing moved forward massively when it was described like that. I thanked her and burst into tears.
[This message edited by puffstuff at 1:45 PM, June 27th (Sunday)]
16 comments posted: Sunday, June 27th, 2021
Oh Gosh, I just need to share this.
Split from wife around 2 years ago after DD. What followed was six months of the most horrific betrayal trauma. I was a regular poster here. It was an absolute life saver.
I am back on my feet. She’s happy. My kids are happy. I am, give or take, happy. I largely have peace of mind. I have processed all that I feel can be processed. I have a daily meditation practice, I journal, I feel emotionally stable. But I don’t want another relationship yet. I enjoy being single. I am building up a social network that is satisfying, fun, and supportive. London is my oyster. Friends and I hit the town every other week (when I don’t have the kids).
But a pattern has recently emerged and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. The past say six months I have discovered “hook up” culture.
I had a few quick sessions with a therapist (therapy, not a hook up lol), and she explained to give myself time to heal, to savour and enjoy being single. To be free. To figure out what I am, what I have to offer, what I have to work on. And this I have done. This will go on for life, I am sure. But she also said, “but you’re a man, and you are likely not want to live like a monk” and then proceeded to give me advice on a tinder profile that will protect me from bonding so quickly after my break up. So my profile states quite simply: “not at second date stage yet. Marriage ended not so long ago and want to enjoy the odd date and female company now and then. Fun/casual, would be ideal”. I do alright in the looks department and get plenty of matches. 9/10 unmatch when they read my profile, but then that leaves those who genuinely want the same. They could be lonely, bored, or just feeling horney. I never get the sense that they are damaged. They just seem like me in the main – professional, either newly broken up, or have no plans to start a relationship. We give each other a kiss and a hug in the morning, and then go our separate ways. There is normally an evening of connection before the deed is done. It’s not just arriving at their place and doing the deed and going. I couldn’t do that, and wouldn’t find it sexy in the slightest.
The profile proven incredibly affective. I have women matching me who want the same. They want a night of romance, connection, laughter, and, yes, sex, but without the loss of space of a relationship. There is no deception. No smooth tongue and then ghosting. It is like a contract before meeting. However well the night goes, we go our separate ways.
So on my free weekends, I devote a night to friends and socialising and other activities, but one night, normally the Friday, I often find myself driving across London to strangers houses and hooking up.
And let me tell you – it has been utterly, utterly wonderful! I have never felt so Intune, embedded with my sexuality and parts of myself that were long forgotten (sexiness, flirtiness, sexual energy). In my marriage I was the perpetual nice guy, but after working on that issue, I feel like a strong, sexual, being – in tune with what he wants and seeing opportunities where this matches with what someone else desires too. I have found the whole “culture” extremely exciting, revealing, validating, and just down right hot. It’s been intoxicating.
It never intefers with the rest of my life. I realise that emotional health will not come through endless hook ups. But after a long marriage of being the perpetual walk over and investing all my efforts in trying to keep peace and quiet, it feels like my sexuality has been let out of the box!
The reason I am writing is that I just wanted to hear other peoples opinions on what I am doing, and there thoughts about casual encounters. There is part of me that is terrified of what I am doing, and I am unsure why. It is not having any negative impact on my life.
52 comments posted: Monday, June 21st, 2021
Any Londoners out there?
Definitely seems like a US dominated board.
3 comments posted: Wednesday, August 7th, 2019