This is not a vent, but it's trying to help me figure out my feelings.
My ex and I do not have any mutual friends. I have been completely and utterly NC since December. I asked all my friends to unfriend him / remove him / block him etc from their social media and they have all done that. Know absolutely nothing about his life. Nothing. Don't hear about him. Don't wanna know.
We have one common connection. Our cleaner. She was my cleaner first, when I first moved to this area almost 7 years ago. Then when I moved in with ex, she came with me and cleaned for us. When I moved out, she came with me but stayed with him as well. I was a-ok with this, it's business for her.
In the 18 months since I've moved out, I've not once - not once - asked about him, or even felt compelled to ask about him. It literally hasn't even crossed my mind. She volunteered some information about him about 6 months ago, but I told her I wasn't interested in knowing.
Recently, I had to reach out to him about a hard drive that I realised I left at the house. It's got a lot of information of very sentimental value for me. He's been very slow at responding. I reached out over two weeks ago and I still don't know if he's found it or if he's sending it to me. That has - of course - caused a set back, because as we all know, NC = no new hurts, so having to break NC has brought feelings back. Mostly annoyance at him. But also pain at the fact that dealing with this is not a priority for him, so clearly I'm not a priority for him anymore - but then why should I be, we are broken up and have been for a long time. Oh the joys of living in my brain.
Then, this morning, I asked my cleaner about him. My mum had inadvertently planted the thought in my mind, when I was venting to her about how he's been so slow in getting back to me, and while I wasn't intentionally intending to ask my cleaner, I did. I couldn't seem to stop myself.
He's seeing someone. Has been for a few months. Apparently my cleaner has seen her at the house a couple of times. She's from a different state, too far for driving so she must fly to visit him. Immediate questions / thoughts that came up.
"Does he make the effort to visit her? Has she met the kids? Has she met his family? If she has, what do they think of her? She must have met his friends. I'm replaced. He's clearly put me in the rearview mirror, he's moved on. That's not fair. He's having sex with someone new so all the "best sex that he's ever had" that he had with me, he's now having with her. Yet here I am, still Suzie Singleton, feeling fat and frumpy, no one is ever going to want me."
Of course, I knew it would happen eventually. I'm not stupid. But I'm not entirely sure how I'm feeling right now. I think it's numbness. Shock maybe? I've not cried. I'm still functioning ok I think. I do feel that it's unfair that he's moving on, after what he did to me. I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. I've also pre-emptively taken the afternoon as a sick day, just in case those feelings do come up.
But there's also a part of me that wonders if this is what I needed. Maybe the universe is trying to give something to me. To help me drive that final nail in the coffin. Why else would I choose now, after 18 months, to probe my cleaner about this?
I do keep thinking about the sex. His affair was an EA so I never really had to deal with that aspect of infidelity. But the thought of him having the loving, intimate, emotional sex we used to have with someone else....that really hurts.