Newest Member: UnsureAgain

I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

default

Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 12:31 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

LadyG am I reading right.

So your WH mentioned D, you agreed and now he's backtracking? That's bypassed the Wayward Shuffle and went straight to the Wayward 2 Step.

What a flaming horse's patoot!

Life in many ways is surreal. Lockdowns or not - I'm sure there are lawyers that can do things virtually. Goodness he's an ass!

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3300   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8671455
default

20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 10:08 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

I read something profound about narcissism.

The narcissist wants us to only show them the good mirror so they don’t see the monster behind the mask

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2113   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8671646
default

LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 4:27 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

The narcissist wants us to only show them the good mirror so they don’t see the monster behind the mask

This I will share with Stbxwh.

We have agreed to sell 1 property now, that we jointly own. It’s 1 less issue to deal with down the track.

I had to meet with a lawyer to prepare paperwork for the sale.

On her desk was a sign that simply said, “if you decide to have an affair, make sure that you have a signed pre-humptial agreement”. I read it several times but still didn’t find it amusing, so I told her so.

WH needs to go in tomorrow to sign a document, I asked that she displays that sign prominently when he’s there.

After everything that has happened this year, WH missed his specialist appointment this past Monday. So we still don’t know if he is all clear. There’s a six week waiting period for the next appointment now.

Life in Limbo! My youngest DS has hit bottom. I cooked for him last weekend, but my poor child is finding it ever so difficult to get out of bed. At 24 he has a wonderful life ahead of him but can’t get past what his father did and still does. I am truly at a loss as to how best to help my son.

WH wants me to spend some time at our old house to be with my son. But the last time I tried this, I had nightmares and my ptsd wouldn’t let me sleep. I was a wreck and I am only now getting my anxiety and triggers under control.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 940   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8673372
default

leafields ( member #63517) posted at 6:45 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

LadyG, can your son come stay with you? Maybe your son could use some time in a new spot.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 668   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8673394
default

20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 2:08 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

(((Hugs))) LadyG

My son is lacking forward momentum too

He told my parents he’s worried I will dump his Dad if he moves out

You know?

I actually might!

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2113   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8673473
default

LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 3:48 AM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

Ladies,

I haven’t seen or spoken with my eldest son for a while now. Missed his 26th birthday as we were in lockdown again.

My youngest doesn’t want to move! He is protesting against the break down of our family unit. He messaged me earlier that WH just expects everyone to be ok with what he did.

So while he lives alone with WH in a big empty house we can’t proceed to sell that property. Nor can we continue with re-decorating for sale. My son knows that I wouldn’t force him out.

WH proposed that I move back to the house, rent out my apartment and we try to live with IT!

I think no way! I sacrificed my soul for my children but I would rather die now and there is no miracle pill to erase the past.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 940   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8673747
default

Felix12306 ( member #78827) posted at 5:30 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

Just wondering if anybody else went through these feelings and successfully reconciled. I can't explain it but for the last week I've just kind of felt done. Like I'm having a hard time even falling asleep when he's in the bed. I don't want to be intimate even though I was hysterically bonding at first. Now even saying I love you back doesn't feel right. I don't even know if it's that I'm angry I can't explain this feeling. I just feel like almost nothing. If I think about the affair I do get mad and I cry at every movie I watch, sad or not. But when I think about the affair I just struggle with how the hell he could do this. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I have covid right now and feel like crap or what. It's been three weeks today since it was confirmed to be physical. Maybe that's why? I'm not sure but the way I'm feeling is terrifying me. Anyway just wondering if anyone else went through this and it went away?

BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.

posts: 141   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8673999
default

Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 6:14 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

Felix12306 the rollercoaster is real. And it sucks.

There are and were times I feel good. Real good then I remember "yeah - this really happened to you". There are also times I have to force myself to just keep fucking going. Everything is a reminder. Everything is mocking my status of betrayed.

Ups, downs, flats and sideways.

The bottom line is only you know what you can and can't handle. There is no shame saying you are just done. For me - I figure when I know...it will be beyond the shadow of a doubt.

Be kind to yourself. You've only known it was PA for 3 weeks. I'm surprised you know your name and could compose sentences to even write this out. I sure know I couldn't have.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3300   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8674012
default

Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 10:51 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

So, once again reading BHs absolutely positively certain that the OM who may have received nudes of the WW is sharing them with friends.

This is coming from the "good guys" (aka, the BH, not the WH) on this site.

WTF? If the BH on this site are 100% sure the AP is sharing pics, that means that's because that is what the BH would do, right?? Projection?

I'm starting to come to the conclusion that when it comes to sex, there is no such thing as a "good guy."

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 173   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8674081
default

gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 10:59 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

I'm starting to come to the conclusion that when it comes to sex, there is no such thing as a "good guy."

Amen.

Funny to see your posts when I'm kind of seething at the way it seems (and this is my PERCEPTION, which may not be accurate) most of the BH here ONLY use the terms WW or BH - i.e., any comments are ALWAYS gender specific, even when talking in general terms.

I'm starting to believe when it comes to misogyny, there is no such thing as a "good guy".

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3441   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8674087
default

icangetpastthis ( new member #74602) posted at 3:22 AM on Saturday, July 10th, 2021

I'm new here, and like the rest of you - I can't believe that I am here. I initially posted on "Just Found Out", and below is my first post.

. . .

I wasn't ever supposed to know - then, I did. I suspected and asked him - when I was looking right at him. This happened about a year ago.

His response showed me a truth that he could not deny and I was scared to see. Why did this happen to us? Cocaine he said. Since I learned of this, I've been struggling with it all over again. I feel traumatized as old memories just all came back at me. He changed into something else during those years and none of it was good. I couldn't figure it out then and this went on for several years, when he finally confessed to using cocaine after I realized he was going through large amounts of money daily. It all stops now or I'm leaving I told him - and he quit the cocaine. I forgot about it all. We didn't even talk about it for decades. We have been happy all these years later. Until this. I'm still stuck back to about a year ago when he confessed to the cheating. It all makes sense now. It all comes together now. The initial shock and pain has subsided after months of numerous conversations. We haven't discussed it for a couple of months now as we have mutually agreed, but I continue to think about it every day. I want to forgive and move forward. No constant rehashing, no arguments, no misery. This is what I want. He told me that he is embarrassed and humiliated by his behavior all those years ago. He continues to worry that I will now cheat on him or leave him. It feels like I'm still processing. Nobody else knows about any of this, as we have kept it all between us. I hate all of it. I love him. Dealing with this during the COVID months has kept us together, which has helped. I know we are not done talking about it, but right now I don't want to. I envision a time years from now, when it stops hurting so much.

. . .

Wow. I've been trying to take good care of myself while this madness goes on. Recently, I started drinking more water (flush out the bad stuff), and I started dancing (at home by myself to music videos). These two things are helping - my mood, and overall physically. I've been reading this thread to catch up to you - presently on page 17 in 'Betrayed Womenz Thread'. Hope I am welcome here, as there really is nobody else that I can trust to talk to about this. I'm not crying so much anymore, so I'm making some progress out of this shit hole. You know, the one when you realize that your husband has cheated. I kind of feel set-up, or maybe I was fooled just like the coke fooled him. My husband was never one to just be nude at home, I mean other than being in bed with him - I was lucky to catch a glimpse of him in and out of the shower. He was never really comfortable in his own skin that way. So, daytime sex with hookers? What? They get to see him, and I don't? He was different though, during those years and he hasn't been like that since. He was absent emotionally, physically a lot. I figured that it was his crap job - one day he would just talk to me about it. That day didn't come for almost 40 years. The look on his face when the shit hit the fan - I'll never forget. WTF. I immediately had the STD full check-up - sobbed all through it. How can this be real?

M = 43 yrs
DDay = March 2020
Me/BS = 62
WH = 64
Working on reconciliation, one day at a time.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2020
id 8674156
default

outofsorts ( member #70701) posted at 4:11 AM on Saturday, July 10th, 2021

Just wondering if anybody else went through these feelings and successfully reconciled. I can't explain it but for the last week I've just kind of felt done. Like I'm having a hard time even falling asleep when he's in the bed. I don't want to be intimate even though I was hysterically bonding at first. Now even saying I love you back doesn't feel right.

Felix - I'm so sorry you are going through this and just had a second Dday where you found out it was physical!!! Given the circumstances, the fact that you can sleep at all is fantastic.

I'm a bit over two years out from Dday and have definitely felt like that at several points. I did manage to move past them each time through a lot of work, talking about my feelings (which I HATE doing), counseling, etc. Whether or not you will be able to or want to be able to is a different matter.

I would say that that since you just found out that your WH's affair was physical.... Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to figure things out or immediately jump back into reconciliation. Easier said than done, I know. But take care of yourself before worrying about the relationship or reconciliation.

Funny to see your posts when I'm kind of seething at the way it seems (and this is my PERCEPTION, which may not be accurate) most of the BH here ONLY use the terms WW or BH - i.e., any comments are ALWAYS gender specific, even when talking in general terms.

GMC - Yes!! That is one thing that has always bothered me. So many of the women here use generic terms BS / WS, etc. but many men use WW and BH exclusively. There are also some posters that only seem to reply to posts started by other BH's and ignore any posts started by women. It's super annoying!

On the other hand, I can also name quite a few male posters that I respect a lot. Now that I think about it, though these are the male posters that tend to speak in general, non-gender-specific terms.

Me(BW): 40WH: 40 Married 7 years, together 20.Dday 2/22/19Reconciling

posts: 343   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2019
id 8674169
default

LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 2:46 PM on Saturday, July 10th, 2021

Felix12306 I feel for you. You can get past this.

This evening I was reading on another forum. A BS, started a thread titled, “The day I lost my soul”. It resonates with me. It was hard reading but I understand it. I too am empty and done.

I tried organising a get together with my boys to catch up and have a belated birthday for my eldest. I went out today bought cake and some delicious delicacies to share.

I went around to see my youngest as he wasn’t answering my calls. Things started amicably but he started ripping into me about being a bad mother and that all my children feel that way about me. I fled in tears. So tomorrow may not happen.

Trapped74 I have never ever read anything on the menz thread. I’m just not interested. If it upsets you, stay away from it. It’s not worth it.

icangetpastthis Hi. You can get past this. (((Hugs)))

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 940   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8674239
default

icangetpastthis ( new member #74602) posted at 3:35 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

It's weird how one minute I'm not thinking about any of it, then the next - just spins around in my head. Moments from our years together and then some of the things he said to me. 'I loved you the whole time.' Really? While you're fucking another women you're in love with me? How does that work?

I was happy damn it.

I'm fucked.

M = 43 yrs
DDay = March 2020
Me/BS = 62
WH = 64
Working on reconciliation, one day at a time.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2020
id 8674409
default

Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 11:59 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

LadyG:

Trapped74 I have never ever read anything on the menz thread.

It wasn't on the menz thread. It's on just about any JFO thread that involves a WW sending nudes to the AP...

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 173   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8674979
default

gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 4:31 AM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

Icangetpast - I have that ALL the time. Still.

Like, ALL the time. Watching a film, and wondering - how on God's green earth could you watch that and not be mired in guilt or shame or whatever. It's a total mindfuck.

And

It is what it is. We do the best we can.

I don't think you - or any of us - are "fucked". I think we are all facing some pretty big challenges.

I - and many others here on SI - know what it's like to be lied to for years/decades. To feel as if EVERY memory is tainted. Some are able to accept/move past it. Others... not so much.

FWIW, I'm in the 'not so much' camp in that I feel the majority of my adult life has been a lie (someone on SI once described it as having a dog, Sparky. You walk Sparky, you feed Sparky, you take him to the vet. You have this whole world that includes Sparky and then one day, you wake up and see that Sparky is actually a cat. That still resonates for me... in a way that my WH will never understand [not like he's really tried]).

I also subscribe to the concept that a WS cannot "love" their BS during their A(s).

I just don't think it's possible to love another person when (a) you don't love yourself enough to have some damn integrity and (b) you never allow the person you supposedly "love" to fully see you. Others disagree, and good for them.

All this to say: YOU are not "fucked". YOU are dealing with some serious trauma from years / decades of deceit. From "knowing" but not really "KNOWING" (KWIM?).

Not too long after my own dday I got a tattoo. I have no idea if the Interwebs are feeding me a ton of bologna, but the theme of the tattoo is "the only way forward is through".

And IME, that is absolutely accurate.

So feel awful, mourn the shared history, be angry for the agency that was taken from you (not necessarily by the As, but by the LONG ass history of lies). If we face it and work it and find ourselves, the clusterf*ck that is infidelity can spur a lot of growth (even for those of us who are on the "back 9" of life).

Godspeed.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3441   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8675029
default

20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 5:37 AM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

OMG gmc, I got a tattoo shortly after DDay 96

A pierced heart going up in flames

Haha, Cheater trout tattoos on women were sexy.

Not anymore

Asshole

Anyway, hello Goddesses!

I hope you’re faring well.

Spellcheck tried to correct FARING to FARTING

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2113   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8675035
default

LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 7:06 AM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

Trapped74 I didn’t mean any offence.

The JFO threads are too draining for me to read but I have seen the ones about the WS sending nudes.

For the record WH and exAP sent nudes to each other all the time.

WH once got up and left the house at 4am went to AP for sex and didn’t leave AP till after noon.

The other day I was pushing WH for answers and he finally admitted that he wasn’t “in love” but thinks “in lust” for AP.

The exAP is in a new relationship but WH still lusts after it.

After Dday with that AP, WH was ordered by AP to “get rid of your wife”. And WH obeyed. I was easy to get rid of. But WH now wants me back! This won’t happen again.

I turn it around on him and ask him to imagine me having a conversation with my fictional AP about getting rid of him.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 940   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8675049
default

BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 12:01 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Icangetpast

We haven't discussed it for a couple of months now as we have mutually agreed ... I continue to think about it every day. I want to forgive and move forward. No constant rehashing, no arguments, no misery. This is what I want. He told me that he is embarrassed and humiliated by his behavior all those years ago. He continues to worry that I will now cheat on him or leave him. It feels like I'm still processing.

What this tells me is that trying to ignore it isn't working for either of you. You need to work through it, and so does he. And you should be doing that with trained therapists. (I recommend you find someone who specializes in betrayal trauma. There is a pull down menu on the website of the International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals (IITAP) )

It happened. It's now part of your marriage. The goal is to understand what and why it happened, create a new foundation for your marriage and move forward together.

I would recommend a full therapeutic disclosure with polygraph organized by your betrayal trauma therapist. It will help you know for certain that your husband only lied to you during that drug-fueled period, and whether he checked out on drugs or other addictive behaviors at other points of your marriage. He will be able to move forward knowing he has no more secrets and you still chose him (if you do.)

Good luck

posts: 288   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8675307
default

outofsorts ( member #70701) posted at 2:56 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

We haven't discussed it for a couple of months now as we have mutually agreed, but I continue to think about it every day. I want to forgive and move forward. No constant rehashing, no arguments, no misery. This is what I want. He told me that he is embarrassed and humiliated by his behavior all those years ago. He continues to worry that I will now cheat on him or leave him. It feels like I'm still processing.

Icantgetpastthis - I think all of us would love to just forget about the infidelity and move forward. The problem is that infidelity causes severe trauma. And your brain processes trauma differently than normal events and normal memories. It needs to rehash things over and over again to try to make them make sense.

Please listen to the two podcasts referenced on this post:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=617809&HL=70701

They do the best job of explaining just why it's really impossible to forget about infidelity. And then find the Helping Couples Heal podcast - it was started by the same two individuals that were on the podcast above.

There were times during Marriage Counseling where I would refer to "getting over this" and our MC would always rephrase and reframe it for me as being able to move forward. It took me a while to come around to his point of view, but at this point I agree - I don't think it's something that you ever really get over. You learn to move forward in a new life and as a different person than the one you were pre-Dday.

That being said, it does get easier!!! You just need to focus on yourself and your healing. I am nowhere near as bad as I was a year ago, two years ago, or even six months ago.

Me(BW): 40WH: 40 Married 7 years, together 20.Dday 2/22/19Reconciling

posts: 343   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2019
id 8675349
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20211022 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy