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BlackRaven

How to get rid of gifts from WH

This is a pretty practical question. Does anyone have suggestions for the best way to get rid of jewelry that my ex gave me? I hate the thought of getting pennies on the dollar for it but I just can't see myself ever wearing it again. I'll always wonder if he gave me the gifts because he was feeling guilty after being with his mistresses.

5 comments posted: Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

Borderline Personality / Narcissism

The NPD thread in the forums has been closed for some reason, and the mods say in order to start a BPD thread we need to gain some traction here in the general forum .... so please offer your comments, stories, etc.

Starting about a year ago and over time through the start of this year, I learned that my H was unfaithful, that it was more than one affair, that he is a sex addict, that he had relapsed with drugs and alcohol (I thought he'd been chemically sober for nearly two decades). He was diagnosed with BPD and his mother meets the textbook definition of a narcissist.

We are separated at my request. He spent about five months in inpatient rehab, and that's where he was diagnosed with BPD. He has been abstinent and sober since last fall. He has a CSAT, a psychiatrist, does both NA and SA 12 step and has sponsors with both. He did some EMDR and is doing brainspotting now.

After getting out of rehab, he did an intensive 12 week DBT program, and is continuing that with weekly meetings, moderated by a therapist he can reach out to in times of crisis. I see great progress on that front. He still has the thoughts, but it much better at recognizing them and getting on top of them.

The place where he is completely lacking is in standing up to his narcissistic parents. This is a big problem for me. They treated me terribly for a quarter century. I finally stopped going to family events because I would feel so depressed afterwards; like there was something wrong with me. For instance, sometimes when we'd visit from out of state they simply wouldn't talk to me. They are highly well regarded professionals who appear from the outside like they are living the dream, and since everyone else seems to adore them, I couldn't figure out what I'd done to offend them. I now understand my only crime was marrying their son, and it recently dawned on me that their treatment of me essentially constituted abuse.

My H agrees intellectually, but emotionally can't stand up to them. (Neither the rehab nor his CSAT have done boundary work or trauma work yet that involve his FOO, which I really can't understand.)

I'm working with a good trauma therapist and think I might be able to forgive my husband for his infidelities if he continues on the path to recovery, but I will never be able to forgive his family for what they did to him and how they treated me and our daughter.

I try to ignore his ongoing contact with them, since it's not in my face since we don't live together, but I know it's continuing. They are even coming out to visit him this summer (I think they came once in the previous 20 years while we were together). It's more triggering for me than his affairs. I understand that it's partly due to his Borderline thinking - the fear of being alone - and partly due to being enmeshed with the narcissist, but it makes me feel betrayed that he still has regular contact with them. I've told him I would never ask him to give them up completely, but he's in much more contact with them now than he was before he entered rehab.

I'm really sad that this might be the thing that finally does us in.

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 4:56 PM, May 30th (Sunday)]

7 comments posted: Sunday, May 30th, 2021

Still more whys

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:02 PM, August 1st (Saturday)]

1 comment posted: Saturday, August 1st, 2020

It's happening again

Nearly 3 months ago, I intercepted a text message and learned that my husband had been having an affair for about 3 months. I confronted him, and he said he wanted to reconcile with me. He cut all contact with the AP, and immediately told me when she tried to contact him. I asked if there had been any other affairs and he said no.

I asked him to move out for a while. We were actually working with a marriage counselor when he had the affair, and we kept working with her for several more weeks but he basically decided he was too screwed up and needed to work on himself before we could work on us. OK, I supported that and was his cheerleader through it, even though it meant our processing the affair was on hold.

He's a former addict, and a child of an alcoholic, but hadn't attended meetings for years and years. He started AA meetings and working with a new therapist. Our marriage hasn't been good for years. There was no emotional intimacy from him, and he often blamed me for his problems. We both saw individual and couples counselors over the years, but it turned out he often lied to them.

He did a two-day intensive therapy session yesterday and today. Yesterday, he realized that he was emotionally and sometimes physically abused by his mother and that's why he's afraid of getting close. Then, today, our 26th wedding anniversary, he called after his therapy session and confessed to 3 other infidelities over the past 20 years, always with coworkers in the office. The longest was 6 weeks, but in two of them they got found out by the higher ups. Once he was fired and once he was told to stop. The other was a one-time thing.

I can't believe that I've spent 90 days in the painful aftermath of learning he had an affair, and now I'm back to square one, learning about 3 other affairs. Does it never end?. He still wants to reconcile, (he hadn't moved back in yet because I wasn't ready) and says that's why he told me, so we could have a clean slate, but I don't know how I would ever trust him again. And I understand that his telling me about it is actually a sign of progress, since he wanted to be truthful, but I don't know if addicts can ever truly change.

I talked to my therapist today and she told me to stay the course, which was to take care of myself and move forward building my own life, but not dismiss the idea of reconciliation.

Mostly, I'm in so much pain today. I turned 58 this week. I feel old and rejected and lonely and scared. I gave up my career when we married and I don't have many friends, really none who live in this town, and with covid I can't go to them anyhow. Plus, I'm embarrassed to tell people. I gave up 26 years of my life to a marriage that was a lie. I just need someone to tell me that I'll be alright. That I will sort out what the right thing to do is. And that someday, it won't hurt so much. I don't expect that I'll ever feel joy or intimacy again, but at least if I knew I wouldn't be so torn for the rest of my life

22 comments posted: Saturday, June 20th, 2020

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