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Newest Member: Watermelonhigh

Off Topic :
We are falling apart here

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HFSSC ( member #33338) posted at 7:20 PM on Saturday, March 30th, 2024

You are so very loved here, WR. Just know you have an army out here, praying for you and your family, lifting you to the light and interceding on your behalf.

Me, 56
Him, 48 (JMSSC)
Married 26 years. Reconciled.

posts: 4956   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2011   ·   location: South Carolina
id 8831530
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 8:28 PM on Saturday, March 30th, 2024

I second what HFSSC says - you are loved. We are fortunate to have people here who care for us in some very dire circumstances lately. Please check in when you can. No pressure.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3731   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8831544
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 3:11 PM on Monday, April 1st, 2024

Thinking of you WhatsRight and continued prayers for you and your family.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 3605   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8831646
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ChewedMeUp ( member #8008) posted at 4:48 PM on Tuesday, April 2nd, 2024

Thinking my best mojo for you and your family.

BS - over 40
DivorcED, finally.
2 Kids

posts: 657   ·   registered: Aug. 26th, 2005   ·   location: Baltimore, MD
id 8831803
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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 6:03 PM on Tuesday, April 2nd, 2024

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.

I feel like I’m a little bit in the twilight zone. At the point where my husband went into the hospital this last time, I was still having panic attacks about how long he and I could continue with our savings, to pay our life insurance. That’s how much I had no expectation of all of this happening.

He came home from the hospital on Wednesday morning, and due to his level of pain and condition, he was admitted into hospice that same night.

On Thursday was when the fluids in his chest were so bad, and he was fighting to breathe. That’s also the night that he was able to talk with both of our sons from jail, and our son at home, and they were able to tell each other that they loved each other.

My boys are completely broken up with all of this. My sons who are in jail continue to talk about how pathetic they feel that they are where they can’t get to him and that they should be at home taking care of my husband and me. And that their father is their hero. All the lessons that he taught them about perseverance and strength and bravery.

My youngest son told me that he has been thinking a lot about our influence on him. He said he shared with someone that his dad had taught him bravery, and that I had taught him love.

And now, we wait. So Wednesday he came home from the hospital, and until that day we had had no thought of hospice anywhere near our immediate future. By Wednesday night he was on hospice, and Thursday was the day that he was able to talk with our sons. Friday morning he asked me for a sandwich, and I flew as fast as I could to prepare it, even if he was only going to smell it. By the time I got back to his bed side, he was unresponsive. I wonder if he did that on purpose so I wouldn’t be in the room when he was no longer able to respond.

A couple of people said that he seemed to try to verbalize to them, but not being in there, I’m going to imagine it was perhaps, wishful thinking on their part.

So it has been several days now of the nurses telling us it will be "hours, not days". But they don’t know my husband. When he broke his neck, they told him he would never push his own chair, or change his clothes, or take care of toilet needs or marry or whatever. By the time he left rehab, he was getting into his manual wheelchair from the floor unassisted. So he has not been one to be limited by expectation.

I’ve talked with him several times about how much we love him, and how brave he is, and how strong. But that his work is done. And it’s not giving up for him to "let go". That he’s worked harder than anybody could ever expect. And that I want him to be at peace. but, I guess in the last little bit of your life it doesn’t change how much you listen (or don’t) to your spouse! 😊

I’m working hard to get my sons permission to attend the funeral. But either lawyer will have to go before a judge. I don’t know about the timing.

My sister has not left my side, and my niece, who is a hospital administrator has practically been on call. I went a little nutty two nights ago when it occurred to me everything that I would be needing to do from choosing clothes to planning services, etc. Was there to straighten me out. I’m blessed to have the family that I do.

And I feel very blessed that I can come and talk to you all about this. And I know that your thoughts are with me. Thank you so much.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 8218   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8831807
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 6:33 PM on Tuesday, April 2nd, 2024

Oh Whatsright, I am so very sorry. And I'm sorry for your sons. I've attended funerals where the children or relatives have been brought into a funeral in handcuffs with guards. To me it would be better if they could bring them with guards, to see him now. Neither are violent offenders so their attorneys should be able to appeal to a judge. You need hugs from them.

I came here to see if you had checked in and I'm glad you did. Such a difficult time. Yes - we are here.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3731   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8831811
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 6:52 PM on Tuesday, April 2nd, 2024

I'm so sorry WR. I'm glad you have family staying with you. I will be praying for you and your family during this difficult time.

Sending you strength and hugs.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 3605   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8831815
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 7:58 PM on Tuesday, April 2nd, 2024

WR what a difficult time. I am very glad your family is rallying around you now.
I hope your kids are able to visit, but also glad they got to speak to their dad.
Sending you strength and peace in these turbulent days.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6069   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8831825
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 9:14 PM on Tuesday, April 2nd, 2024

May he continue to have peace and comfort. I'm sorry this has been so sudden for you.
Prayers.

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20207   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8831840
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dontsaylovely ( member #43688) posted at 9:44 PM on Tuesday, April 2nd, 2024

I am so sorry, what hell you've all been through. And OMG you're a trooper. You've done so much. Maybe the silver lining is you/your sons have had an opportunity to show/send him love. My thoughts are with you.

DDay: March 15, 2014

posts: 194   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8831847
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:15 PM on Tuesday, April 2nd, 2024

Praying for peace,and comfort.

Our field of dreams,engulfed in fire..and I'll still see it,till the day I die..

posts: 6777   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8831856
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wildbananas ( member #10552) posted at 12:48 AM on Wednesday, April 3rd, 2024

Thinking of you all, WR.

Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

posts: 16592   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2006   ·   location: Somewhere
id 8831880
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 3:05 AM on Wednesday, April 3rd, 2024

Thank you for the update, WR. I've been checking every day and hoping for better news.

I do this thing where when I send someone good wishes, I imagine "sparkly good juju" encircling them in a glittery cocoon of love and peace. I'm imagining it for you. It's a beautiful pastel cloud of many colors. For your husband, it's a deep, beautiful blue and less sparkly. More peaceful. (I don't pick the colors; they just happen.)

I hope that your boys can attend the service, if his time comes soon. What a gift that they were able to speak with him. Like someone else said, when my uncle passed away, my cousin was in prison and they allowed him to come. I hope that gives you hope.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 3:09 AM, Wednesday, April 3rd]

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1340   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8831891
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 3:38 AM on Wednesday, April 3rd, 2024

No words, WhatsRight, just HUGS! And doggie snuggles....

posts: 2073   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8831896
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:35 PM on Thursday, April 4th, 2024

How are you doing? You,and your family,have been on my mind,and in my prayers.

Our field of dreams,engulfed in fire..and I'll still see it,till the day I die..

posts: 6777   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8832104
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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 4:44 AM on Friday, April 5th, 2024

I just got through reading a couple of my latest posts. They sounded like I was on drugs or something. The last five weeks I’ve had my shoulder surgery, and a really bad flu.

And how all of this. I haven’t been able to eat really, so I have been extremely weak and tired.

At this point, my husband is breathing three short shallow breaths from his lower abdomen then about one minute before he breathes again.

My niece tells me that this time will just extend out to the point where he does not take another breath.

I spend about 2/3 of my time in bed with him, and the other 1/3 leaving him alone…in case he wants to be alone when he dies.

The uncertainty is brutal.

Oh yeah…now I have a UTI.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 8218   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8832185
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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 4:56 AM on Friday, April 5th, 2024

By the way… What is the consensus here about being with him or not being with him?

What is worse?

… To not be with him when he wants me to be with him…

Or… To be with him when he would, rather, I wasn’t?

I just don’t know how to know one way or the other

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 8218   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8832187
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 12:12 PM on Friday, April 5th, 2024

Whatsright, many hugs to you.

My one experience with home hospice was with my mother. The last three weeks, we could tell if she wanted us to leave the room as she wanted to sleep. Many times I'd leave the room then go back and just watch her sleep. She was 'in and out of it' the last week but would often squeeze our hand. Only the last 5 days was she non-responsive. If you feel you need to be with him, then be there. If he appears to be agitated, then leave the room for a bit. It was actually comforting to me to hold my Mom's hand as she passed. I felt like I was there for her until the end. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this, just go with your heart.

Thinking of you and sending you strength.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3731   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8832200
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 1:54 PM on Friday, April 5th, 2024

WR Please do what you feel is right and what he would want.
I have seen both as a nurse where patients will hang on much longer than expected and when the wife or kids finally leave to get a shower they 0ass and the opposite no one is there and when the troupe arrives they pass almost immediately.
Definitely keep telling him you love him and he can he done. Reassure him you will be able to care for the home and yourself.
End of life can definitely take a while especially when they have strong hearts but the breathing pattern you describe does sound like the end is near.

Continued prayers for peace and comfort.

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20207   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8832209
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 2:39 PM on Friday, April 5th, 2024

WR, you have done an amazing job caring for him and being his advocate. You're now giving him the gift of passing peacefully in his home with you by his side. I hope you can take some comfort in that.

Continued prayers for you and your family.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 3605   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8832254
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