Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.
I feel like I’m a little bit in the twilight zone. At the point where my husband went into the hospital this last time, I was still having panic attacks about how long he and I could continue with our savings, to pay our life insurance. That’s how much I had no expectation of all of this happening.
He came home from the hospital on Wednesday morning, and due to his level of pain and condition, he was admitted into hospice that same night.
On Thursday was when the fluids in his chest were so bad, and he was fighting to breathe. That’s also the night that he was able to talk with both of our sons from jail, and our son at home, and they were able to tell each other that they loved each other.
My boys are completely broken up with all of this. My sons who are in jail continue to talk about how pathetic they feel that they are where they can’t get to him and that they should be at home taking care of my husband and me. And that their father is their hero. All the lessons that he taught them about perseverance and strength and bravery.
My youngest son told me that he has been thinking a lot about our influence on him. He said he shared with someone that his dad had taught him bravery, and that I had taught him love.
And now, we wait. So Wednesday he came home from the hospital, and until that day we had had no thought of hospice anywhere near our immediate future. By Wednesday night he was on hospice, and Thursday was the day that he was able to talk with our sons. Friday morning he asked me for a sandwich, and I flew as fast as I could to prepare it, even if he was only going to smell it. By the time I got back to his bed side, he was unresponsive. I wonder if he did that on purpose so I wouldn’t be in the room when he was no longer able to respond.
A couple of people said that he seemed to try to verbalize to them, but not being in there, I’m going to imagine it was perhaps, wishful thinking on their part.
So it has been several days now of the nurses telling us it will be "hours, not days". But they don’t know my husband. When he broke his neck, they told him he would never push his own chair, or change his clothes, or take care of toilet needs or marry or whatever. By the time he left rehab, he was getting into his manual wheelchair from the floor unassisted. So he has not been one to be limited by expectation.
I’ve talked with him several times about how much we love him, and how brave he is, and how strong. But that his work is done. And it’s not giving up for him to "let go". That he’s worked harder than anybody could ever expect. And that I want him to be at peace. but, I guess in the last little bit of your life it doesn’t change how much you listen (or don’t) to your spouse! 😊
I’m working hard to get my sons permission to attend the funeral. But either lawyer will have to go before a judge. I don’t know about the timing.
My sister has not left my side, and my niece, who is a hospital administrator has practically been on call. I went a little nutty two nights ago when it occurred to me everything that I would be needing to do from choosing clothes to planning services, etc. Was there to straighten me out. I’m blessed to have the family that I do.
And I feel very blessed that I can come and talk to you all about this. And I know that your thoughts are with me. Thank you so much.
