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Newest Member: Watermelonhigh

Off Topic :
We are falling apart here

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2oldforthis ( member #19825) posted at 9:33 PM on Tuesday, April 9th, 2024

So Sorry for the loss of your husband, thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.

posts: 1794   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2008
id 8832850
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 3:34 PM on Thursday, April 11th, 2024

Thinking of you

Our field of dreams,engulfed in fire..and I'll still see it,till the day I die..

posts: 6777   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8833090
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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 2:32 PM on Friday, April 12th, 2024

I wanted to just check in very briefly and thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your sweet thoughts and kind words.

The funeral at our church where we attended was yesterday. It was the most beautiful service I’ve ever been to.

Today we travel to where my husband was raised, to have a service in the small town where he grew up. The burial will also be in that small town at a private family cemetery.

When I get home tonight, or maybe tomorrow, I would love to tell y’all all about it.

Thanks for being here for me. Even though I have not had time to come to the site very frequently, it is a comfort that you will never know, unless you’ve been here… Just to know that y’all are thinking of us.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 8218   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8833264
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 3:02 PM on Friday, April 12th, 2024

(((((((((((((( Whatsright )))))))))))

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3731   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8833289
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:56 PM on Friday, April 12th, 2024

((((WR)))). So glad the service was beautiful and I hope it gave you some strength and peace. We are here when you are ready to share.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6069   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8833346
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 6:11 PM on Friday, April 12th, 2024

((((WR))))
Strength and Comfort to you and yours.

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20207   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8833362
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 12:03 AM on Saturday, April 13th, 2024

Several times I have thought ...'no more of that horrible pain for him.' That was horrible for him AND you.

I hope you had the chance to see your sons. I'm glad it was a beautiful service. My family also have a small, private cemetery where my grandparents grew up. It's very comforting to me to go there.

Thinking of you often.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3731   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8833393
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 11:08 AM on Saturday, April 13th, 2024

Thinking of you and your family, WhatsRight. Hoping you found some comfort in celebrating his life. (((WhatsRight)))

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5890   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8833427
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 6:25 PM on Saturday, April 13th, 2024

I hope now you can concentrate on your health - and enjoy the grandbabies and the puppy doggies. You so deserve a rest.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3731   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8833449
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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 2:45 PM on Monday, April 15th, 2024

So, we had a service at our church on Thursday, then on Friday went to where he grew up for another service and burial.

I’m not really in a good place right now. I’m trying to do better.

My oldest son was allowed a six hour furlough from jail to come to the service in our town. But not the second service. My youngest son was not allowed to attend either service. My heart breaks for him.

Yesterday I went to church. I didn’t really feel up to it, but I thought that the longer I waited to go back, the harder it would be. People were very kind to me. It was hard to go back into the room where the service had taken place, but you just have to do what you have to do.

Today is the worst day yet. My sister, who stayed with me night and day for about 10 days, is still coming during the day, but it’s not here at night. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her.

The most awful thing is happening in my mind. I have never doubted my faith, but I have begun to have a sinking feeling when I consider the possibility that maybe I won’t see him again. That maybe life after death – a total reality for me – is not going to be what I had imagined. Knowing people you knew in your lifetime. I don’t know where this thought comes from, because I can’t imagine not "being with him" again. It’s just something I’ll have to work through.

There is something that I want to say that I hope will not be upsetting to anyone. If what has happened in your marriage is something that is unrepairable, I pray for you that you can move on.

But if you feel that it is possible to move forward, I strongly suggest that you try to forgive and repair to the best of your ability. I just want to share with you, that right now, our struggles are not upfront in my mind. And I truly am wishing that I could have back some of that I spent suffering, blaming and judging.

I’m not saying anyone else needs to feel the way that I do, but I remember one of the people on this site told me once that I should try my best to forgive, because we don’t know how much longer we have.

I’m not trying to "preach "to anyone. It’s just something maybe to consider.

I love y’all. Thanks for your support through this. I’m going to try my best to redefine my life and move forward.

It’s just so very hard.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 8218   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8833560
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 3:43 PM on Monday, April 15th, 2024

Grief can be all-consuming. And you have to let it be that for a little while. And I think part of grief is questioning your faith and all the decisions and conversations and everything that you’ve made in the past. The finality of death remind us that there are no do-overs and no opportunities to say what we didn’t say in life. So to have Thoughts of regrets or missed opportunity is completely normal.

I’m glad you went back to church. I hope you spend time holding your pups and thinking about the past, but also what you want to do as you move forward. The answers about your faith will come with time.

And I’m so so happy that one of your sons could be there with you and also very sad that the other one could not.

And I’m sorry for the pain that you’re feeling. And from what I have seen, there’s an added layer when you were the caretaker as it leaves an extra big hole. Please be gentle with yourself and remember that grief will Do what it needs to do, so allow it to do so.

It might be good to go back to some of the coping skills We learned fresh after D-Day. Make sure you get sleep, healthy food, water, a bit of exercise and fresh air. Think about gratitude for what you still have whether it’s just a perfect cup of coffee, a snuggle with a puppy or a beautiful sunset. Take care of you, WR.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6069   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8833578
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 5:25 PM on Monday, April 15th, 2024

Whatsright, I understand totally what you are saying. All of it. All the feelings you are having are NORMAL. I didn't want to go back to the church where my Dad's funeral was held as all I could see was the casket there. But then the other feelings took over later, about how my Dad loved the church and he was a greeter every morning and also the head usher. So his church was his happy place and he would have wanted to be honored there.

I also question other things on a daily basis - like WHY are good people taken away from us too early (my Dad was 59 when he passed) and "mean people still hang around. Our family lost a friend this past week, just died in his sleep at age 54 and had not been ill. He was the perfect example of a "GOOD MAN" - a hard worker and very close to his daughter, his only child. There was an autopsy and the ME said it was a heart condition. No prior warning. So we do question things because we are human.

My Mom was on home hospice and believe me when I tell you she is still HERE in this house. I "HEAR" her all the time. She was fond of saying ...."If I were YOU, Jeanne, I wouldn't do that." So she's still telling me that when I'm trying to make a decision about something. smile We spent her last weeks sitting on the front porch talking. Like all southerner we are 'porch sitters' and have good convos there. So I have that to remember. You will soon sort out the good memories from the bad and you will relive and cherish the good memories.

I hope both of your sons are home soon to comfort you. My thoughts are with you.

[This message edited by Jeaniegirl at 12:01 AM, Tuesday, April 16th]

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3731   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8833591
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 6:25 PM on Monday, April 15th, 2024

Thinking of you WR and sending hugs and prayers to get you through this difficult time.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 3605   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8833597
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wildbananas ( member #10552) posted at 12:35 AM on Wednesday, April 17th, 2024

Thinking of you and yours, WR. Grief is hard, it comes and goes, and it makes you question everything.

We're here. (((WR)))

Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

posts: 16592   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2006   ·   location: Somewhere
id 8833734
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:16 PM on Sunday, April 21st, 2024

WR— how are you doing? Please check in. We’re thinking of you.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6069   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8834285
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:34 PM on Monday, April 22nd, 2024

Thinking the blessing your husband received by having someone to care for him was a sign that you still have love in your heart.

I’m sorry for your loss. You both struggled with his health issues for a long time. But you never gave up.

The services you described sound lovely.

Hugs to you and your family.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13978   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8834350
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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 3:11 PM on Thursday, April 25th, 2024

Hi y’all. Sorry I haven’t checked in before. There’s not really much to report.

I’ve been sidestepping grief by cleaning and "fixing" in my home. From little things like blinds with broken string to having to put a roof on the house where my sister lives. My husband and I were going to plant a special tree and I’m going ahead with that. My oven is on the list today. (And I rarely clean my oven.)

But then night comes, and there is not much sleep. I have come to the (possibly right and possibly wrong) conclusion that my husband knew more about what was coming and how fast it was coming than he let on to me. And if it is correct, I’m having trouble processing the fact that he kept me in the dark. I cannot keep at bay the thoughts about all of the experiences I have heard of where people come to their loved ones to comfort them or people just feel a touch or their loved one’s presence. I haven’t been blessed with such things, and I wish I knew why. I can’t wait for the sun to come up so that I can hop up and get busy, planting another bush outside or getting more plants, or other ways to side step thinking about I guess what I should be processing.

I guess there’s plenty of time for that now, so I’m trying not to let it overwhelm me.

I have been going back through hundreds of pictures, and I am amazed to notice how unwell he has looked for some time. It amazes me that I did not notice it as much as I should have. It also perplexes me that he did not share the extent of how he was feeling. If only… So many things.

Thank you so much for all of your kind thoughts and words. I absolutely know I will make it through this, I’m just not completely confident how well I will come out on the other side. Just like my husband needed me, my kids need me now. And I will be here for them, always… Until I’m not. So my main goal at this point is to get everything organized and set up so that when I am gone, they will know how to handle things, and the things they are not sure of, I will provide resources for them.

It’s a task, but not only is it very important in its own right, it will keep me busy for a time.

Thank you again for all of your support through this.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 8218   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8834673
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 3:29 PM on Thursday, April 25th, 2024

(((WR)))

You are handling this as well as anyone can. I recall a friend from my old neighborhood who said, after her husband died from colon cancer, that "...work will be my salvation." And she has worked hard on the yard just as she always did, except she refused to do the riding mower, which was always his job.

After a death, it really makes us aware of our own mortality and like you, I am trying to put things in order here for the inevitable day I'm called. At 73 I am the only one of my siblings left since all the younger ones died, so it really makes me think. But it is also a good way to work through our natural feelings of loss, isn't it? De-cluttering so nobody else has to face our mess. That's going to be a huge job for me. But I've started.

Your late H was never one for a lot of verbal expression, from everything you've shared. So please don't wonder about why he didn't share more....he probably didn't consciously consider it, himself. Many people block out any such thoughts.

Hoping your sweet doggos are being a comfort to you!

posts: 2073   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8834677
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:19 PM on Thursday, April 25th, 2024

He may have known and not shared. Or he may have been in denial about what his body was telling him. A friend’s partner died at 74 from skin cancer and even when he was unable to walk and becoming so emaciated, he believed he was going to somehow rally. He didn’t have his affairs in order even though he had been this ill for 6 months. He just really didn’t believe it could happen to him.

And I have never felt my mother’s presence, or my father’s. Stay open to it - who knows?

Busy is good. Just remember to grieve when your body needs to.

You are strong. You are kind and a giver. I hope you sleep again soon. Your body may not remember how to sleep well after all the years you slept with one eye open for issues with your H. It may take time.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 1:59 AM, Saturday, April 27th]

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6069   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8834690
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 5:45 PM on Thursday, April 25th, 2024

I think it's a natural inclination for most people to want to hold onto hope - and life - as long as possible. I imagine that it's a rare thing to face one's own mortality head on.

Also, it's hard to notice the changes when you see someone every day. When you're in it.

Or he may have been in denial about what his body was telling him. A friend’s partner died at 74 from skin cancer and even when he was unable to walk and becoming so emaciated, he believed he wasn’t going to somehow rally. He didn’t have his affairs in order even though he had been this ill for 6 months. He just really didn’t believe it could happen to him.

My dad didn't get to lawyer's office to draw up a will until literally the day before he went into the hospital for the last time. His doctor offered more radiation at a hospital 150 miles from home, and Dad took him up on it. He asked me what I thought, and I said hospice near his friends was likely the wisest choice, but he couldn't stop trying to stay alive.

I need to get my affairs in order, too. I'm 56 and don't have a will. Yikes.

Love and peace to you, WR.

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1340   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8834709
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