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WR how are you?
How are things going¿
Don't be a stranger.

Hello.

Thanks again for all the continued thoughts and posts.

I have been really sick for sometime. Turns out when I finally agreed to go to urgent care, the doctor came in and said that no wonder I was feeling so badly… that I had Flu B and COVID. 😕

I’m over the worst of it now, but still quite congested and stuffy head. And I think I have a bit of "Covid brain", but then again, that may just be me being me.

Dr. is giving me an inhaler to use once every morning, and advised me to take Zyrtec. That’s weird because I can’t imagine allergies would cause the flu or Covid. But I’m basically too tired to think it through.

My sister went with me to church a few weeks after my husband passed away. I had to leave the Sunday school class early to pick up my granddaughter from her school class. After I left, the Sunday school class asked my sister what they could do to help me. She told them to give me a hug would be great, but to not try to have a conversation with me about it just yet. It turns out that was very helpful for me so that people would not continue to come up to me and want to talk. So now every now and then someone just comes up and gives me a hug. It’s very sweet.

I’m continuing to try to get better with my crazy health issues. And I’m continuing to try to avoid the obvious, by putting all of my energy into "getting things done" around the house. I am already typically OCD about the house being clean. But it’s worse now.

A few days ago I had my friends Handyman" come over and give me an estimate for doing some things around the house. A French drain outside my sunroom to prevent moisture damage. New floors. Putting a door knob on the door. It’s a little pitiful on my part, but I think I just want to continue to have something to do for fear of the feeling I will get when I think that "everything is done". Also, I very much want to get the house into a condition where nothing would have to be done if it was going to be sold… For down the road when I pass away, so my boys won’t have a lot of things to do if they decide to sell the house.

The pain is slowly diminishing and Bella’s eyes. She still goes back to my bedroom every time I go back there. But she doesn’t go up on the bed every time. And she is happy to leave the room when I’m done. It’s so weird, because a few days after his funeral, I got rid of our damage mattress and replaced it. But I haven’t slept in there one night. I go in the room from time to time and lie down for a little bit when I’m missing him so very badly. After a time, I just have to Leave the room. I don’t know what that is.

I hope you are all doing well. And I really appreciate your sweet thoughts and all of your kindness and checking in on me.

WR I think everything you are feeling and doing is perfectly normal.
Feel the feels. Do what makes you happy. It's ok to feel good. It's ok to smile. It doesn't mean you don't care.
Give yourself some grace and kindness.

Dr. is giving me an inhaler to use once every morning, and advised me to take Zyrtec. That’s weird because I can’t imagine allergies would cause the flu or Covid.

Cytokine storms are what causes the worst effects of covid. Basically an out of proportion immune response. Allergy's are also an overactive immune response. Histamine pathways trigger immune responses. This means that antihistamines might mitigate covid symptoms. Cetirizine (Zertec) is considered the best due to its potency, fewer side effects, how fast acting it is, and its anti-alergic and anti-inflamatory properties.

[This message edited by grubs at 9:08 PM, Monday, June 17th]

grubs…thanks for that info. It makes sense.

Great explanation Grubs.
One thing to add is there are different histamines, so if zyrtec doesn't help try adding in an H2 blocker like pepcid or tagamet. I have H2 strong reactions like crazy. I once got stung and didn't get the stinger out when I thought I did. Missed 2 days of work because my eyes swelled shut. Prednisone and H1 blockers did nothing. I took 2 pepcid and was back to normal in about 12 hours well as close to normal I get.

Hey WR how are you and the pups doing?

Hello friends.

I hope you all are doing well. I miss coming here to talk.

I guess my current method of coping is to work my butt off (which I am actually too late for, as a few years ago it went away and reappeared around my waist.)

I am definitely thinking about the future, but probably too far out. The thing that I have come up with to do is to take this opportunity to get some things fixed in our home. Things that have needed to be done for a while, and will increase the value of the home for the future. So for the past couple of weeks, a handyman has been coming in and doing things such as digging a French drain in front of the outer wall of my sunroom…because we have had water damage due due to flooding. He is replacing damaged floors and replacing some wallpaper that is peeling away. Things like that. He put in a doggie door and my dogs absolutely love it. I am assuming as the heat subsides a bit in a few weeks, they will spend more time out than in and I won’t have to let them in and out each time or leave the back door open for them.

I have been keeping my granddaughter all summer. ❤️ Her mom got a different job across town too late to make arrangements for her this summer, and thankfully she’s bringing her to my house instead of taking her to a daycare. The last couple of weeks for her have been very disappointing. Grandmom (me) hasn’t had a chance to spend much time with her. The man that is doing the work in my house took a good bit of money off of his cost if I would help him with moving furniture and keeping things picked up as he moved along with his work. So I have been doing that mostly. My sister has come over to help with providing company for my granddaughter. She told me that the other day my granddaughter said to her, "When the worker man is finished with his work, Grandma will get to spend some time with me." 😞 He has one more room in the house, to put flooring in, and then do a few odds and ends, and then he will be finished.

It broke my heart. I could fuck up a wet dream. Please forgive my language. I’m in a bit of a "don’t give a shit" mode.

My granddaughter‘s mom called me the other night about 10:00 PM. She said that she was struggling and when she put her on the phone she was crying. Missing her Grandpa. We speak of him often. When she uses my iPad and the picture pops up of him and I always ask "Who’s that handsome man?" And she always says, "That’s my Grandpa!". So I just spoke to her for a few minutes the other night and told her that I get sad when I think of Grandpa too, but we have to remember how much we love him, and how many wonderful times we spent with him. And that she doesn’t need to worry about him, because he feels so much better now, and he can walk now, that he is running all over heaven with Jesus. We have always spoken very openly and freely about him since he died, because I can’t stand the thought of her ever forgetting him.

Because of being sick with the flu and Covid, and then having to work on the house, I haven’t gotten to spend nearly as much time with my grandson as I wanted so badly to do. We did go to pick him and his older sister up and went to a museum With all three grandchildren and my sister. I don’t know who was tiredest, the old people, or the young people. (That’s a lie… It was the old people) but we all had a blast. Also, we celebrated my two granddaughters’ birthdays at a super cool restaurant. Both sons who are incarcerated got to call and speak with their kids while we were there. One even did a video chat so he could see us when we sang happy birthday. But I have to say that the greatest moment of the day was when we were all first arriving, and my four-year-old grandson saw me and screamed "Granny!" as he was running toward me with his arm stretched out. I’m not sure why he calls me Granny, but he can call me anything he wants as long as he is so happy to see me!

My middle son, the one that doesn’t like me very much… that has the drinking and mental health issues… has left home. He has moved in with his girlfriend about 45 minutes away. They had been breaking up and getting back together off and on for some time. She gaslights him. She wants him to have no friends. She took a few psychology classes in school and so she tries to work all kinds of mind games on him. Once, when he was taking his medication and not drinking, he told me how she put him down and tried to dominate him. But I guess being with her is better than being around me.

On a really positive note, my oldest son will be coming home one week from today. He has been in jail since January for DUI related charges. He tries to be macho, but he is such a sap. He has told me this plan that he has concocted where I will take his daughter to breakfast and my sister will tell my granddaughter that she has an errand to run and she will get there soon. Then he’s going to call me on my phone from her phone once he is out, and just talk to her like he usually does every day from jail. But this time he will walk into the restaurant and while she’s talking with him on the phone, he will walk up to her at the table. I’m just hoping I can get it videoed through all the tears that I’m sure I’ll be crying. So nice to make a scene at a restaurant. 🤷🏽‍♀️

My youngest son, also incarcerated, is so very happy for him. But I think it has brought him down just a little bit. We have about seven more months to go before we get to see him. In the last three years I have seen him twice in court, but haven’t gotten to speak with him face-to-face or touch him. I am making bargains with God that no matter what, I need to be here to see him when he gets out. I simply cannot allow him to leave home, and come back a few years later and both of his parents be gone. He already feels guilt about missing out on his baby’s early childhood, and spending time with his dad before he died. Thank God his lady is supporting and waiting for him.

So, I guess the report for me in a nutshell is that I’m struggling still. But to quote Rose Kennedy… "I will not be vanquished."

I come and read when I can, to try to keep up with all of you. I think of you all often. I wish you well every day.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 4:08 PM, Saturday, July 20th]

Glad you had a chance to update. It sounds like you have been busy.

I've been watching some of those bargain hunt TV shows and they have some where the owners renovate. Many involve the children. Is there any way you could involve your granddaughter? If she can't do the work, could she hold nails or screws or give you tools? One renovation had an uncle have his niece paint cabinets. She wanted not pink, even though the cabinets were painted grey.

The restaurant idea sounds like a fun idea.

It sounds like a productive summer! Grandkids, dogs, and home repairs sounds great.
And so exciting that one son will be out soon.

(And honestly, having to help the handyman is not neglecting your grandchild! Life is real and she is fine. I mean, who wouldn’t want an adoring grandparent’s full attention 100% of the time!? But just not realistic. She knows she is loved and adored.)

And how lovely to speak so often and nicely about your late H. That sounds healthy and nice.

Keep on moving forward - you are doing great.

Hello friends.

Well, it has almost been four months since my husband passed away. The work on our home is almost finished. I have not finished the pressure washing and there is just a small amount of wallpaper to be replaced. Other than that it went pretty well.

I have just spent an hour or so reading and rereading this entire post. Probably not a good idea. But I have found through the last few months that if I do not revisit from time to time what all has happened recently, that when I do finally revisit it… It is overwhelming.

I believe I told you all that my middle son has moved out. He is living with a very toxic girlfriend. He found a job that he likes, so I’m very thankful for that. He has come home twice to get clothes or other things that he needs. He stays as briefly as possible, and is gone again. He did call me the other day to share that he had gotten the job he wanted rather than another job in fast food… Even though he was the manager. I try not to give him my opinions on things because he doesn’t appreciate it. But I had told him that I hoped things went well with his job in fast food, because normally it makes him feel very frustrated and agitated. So he called a little bit later and said that he had a different job… One that he really enjoyed. I guess that’s the closest thing to validation for me that I was helpful.

My oldest son is home from jail. My granddaughter is on cloud nine. For the first week or so, she didn’t want him to leave the room, even to go to the bathroom. Finally, he looked her straight in the eye and told her that he would not be leaving her again. She seems to feel better about that now. I have been impressed with his attention to her, his lack of drinking… Maybe not at all, but at least to a much lesser extent. He told me the other day, that his best friend that he spends a lot of time with… Who has parties at his house all the time with lots to drink… He said that this friend keeps Nonalcoholic Budweiser in the fridge just for him. Hardly any harsh words. Once he got a little pissy with me and I just withdrew for the next 24 hours. He has always had trouble with apologies, so by the next day, he was making lots of effort to reconnect with me. I’m hoping at some point we can address the fact that he doesn’t want to confront negative things when he screws up. But he is really making changes with this trip to jail.

My baby boy who is 28 now… Has missed three birthdays and three Christmases with us… He was thrilled when his brother was released from jail. But I think it has also affected him adversely a little bit. He talks about the day that he will get to come home much more frequently now. He has a parole hearing in about a month. So if you pray, or send good vibes to the universe, please do so for him. Today I went to retrieve some of his property… Workbooks he has filled out from classes he has taken since he has been in jail. He wanted me to have them so that he could be sure they would make it to the parole hearing. With his permission, I read through some of them, and it was very hard. Some of the things that he wrote, describing some of the things that he has done crushed my soul. But, conversely, I got to read about some of the insights he has had into the changes that he needs to make.

I will be leaving in three days to go to Tacoma Washington to visit a lifelong friend. I have known her for almost 40 years. We are planning to go on a whale watching excursion, visit some of the "trolls" in the area, and go to Canaan Beach Oregon for a couple of days. I am looking forward to the trip, but am super concerned about my son, who is still incarcerated, and my granddaughter. If something should happen to me on the flight, or during the visit, I worry about their response. My granddaughter curled up in my arms this evening before she went to sleep, and she said, "Grandma, please don’t go away. Please don’t go on your trip. I don’t want you to go." I reminded her, that I wouldn’t be gone very long, and that when came back, that I would bring a surprise, that we could have low talks about all of the things that I did. I know she is worried that I will be going away forever, like her grandpa.

The last couple of Sundays at my church there have been announcements about the need for teachers in the ESL program. I took that as a personal message. I taught there before I became concerned about being away from my husband for a couple of hours at a time. So when I get back from my trip, I will start teaching a couple of mornings a week.

I got my hair cut a bit, and highlighted. It looks ok, but feels ridiculous.

I miss my husband so very badly. You would think after four months that I would have grown accustomed to the idea that he is not here anymore. But it still catches me by surprise sometimes when I walk into the bedroom and he’s not lying here. I just wish he would look at me 1 more time. I am back to sleeping in our bed now. I sleep on his side. Me and the four dogs. The fifth dog was not even mine. I had just been keeping her since my granddaughters birth six years ago. Her mama couldn’t afford the deposit in order for her to stay with them, so I decided to pay that for her this summer, so that my granddaughter could have her dog with her. It has made her so happy. My granddaughter AND the dog.

Again I apologize for the excruciatingly long post. The house is in better order, and my trip will soon be over, I’m not sure what is next to look forward to, other than, of course, when my son comes home, but then he will be reconnecting with his family as it should be. I will just need to continue to find things to do. Because, as you can tell, when I am just laying down and have a moment to think… I don’t do so well.

I really enjoy reading all of your posts from time to time. I’m thinking of you all often, even if I don’t let you know. For those of you with challenges at this time, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

WhatsRight, I think about you often; thanks for giving an update! I'm excited for you that you have an old friend to get together with, and do something amazing with! (Who will be caring for the doggos while Mama is away?) I am also excited that you have that ESL work to look forward to.

Earlier tonight, I came across an article that talked about what you are describing in your son who has come home: "Distress Intolerance." On an Australian Health Department website, I found a 'training module' titled Facing Your Feelings, which even has a quiz to help people score themselves on their ability to deal with negative emotions. As I read through the questions, I recognized my late brother, a lifelong alcoholic, who made comments just like the ones in the quiz, such as "I can't stand to feel like . . ." Apparently this shutting out feeling one's negative emotions drives the craving to numb out, in any way we can. Speaking for myself, who hasn't been there? I'm just mentioning this as it may be a help for your son to explore 'fear of negative emotions' and how to cope with them. (I really need to do this, myself!)

Have a fine Labor Day weekend and a great trip! Glad you have the house almost all fixed up, too!

Appreciate the update- think of you often.

Grief will take time - and four months is not very long at all.
It took longer than that for me to not look for my cat in her favorite sleeping perches when i walked in the house. Give yourself LOTS of grace here.

Little jealous of your upcoming trip- sounds amazing! Enjoy it thoroughly!! And remember that it is healthy for kids to see people leave and come back - it builds trust and resilience and helps with separation anxiety. Send her a post-card from your trip :-) And nothing is going to happen to you except falling in love with the PNW. Visiting the Chihuly Garden and Glass in that area is on my bucket list.

I am sure you look smashing- maybe you are just not used to focusing on you. But you deserve it.
And glad things are going okay with your sons. Sounds like a lot of progress there. Yay!

And lastly - ESL teacher? You really are such a GIVING person. You are always helping others. I hope you realize how special you are.

Thanks for the update. Four months isn't very long, so please allow yourself time to grieve. It sounds like you have a lot going on with your sons.

Tacoma is going to be very warm this coming week. There's a Chihuly Glass Museum at the bottom of the Space Needle. The last time I went, my ticket allowed me to go in twice. I went during the daytime and then returned after dark. Both times, it was gorgeous. At night, the lights through the glass is so beautiful. I haven't been to the one in Tacoma, but I'm sure it's fantastic.

Safe journeys!

Hi everyone. Just a quick update…

My trip to Washington went well. We went troll hunting and saw 5 of the 6 in the area, including one in Portland on our way back from Cannon Beach, OR.

It was unfortunate that I got a bad UTI while on the trip - and caught pink eye from her son. It turned out to be a pretty bad case and ended up having to use prednisone eye drops to get rid of it for 3 weeks after I got home.

My puppies survived without me thanks to my son and sister. They (and my granddaughter) haven’t much let me out of their sight since I got back.

A little less than a year before my husband died, he was inducted into his high school’s Sports Hall of Fame. He has received so many larger scale honors/awards, but that one was probably the most dear to him. They sent us a form which we could use to order him a ring - like a class ring - commemorating the honor. Of course, we never got around to ordering it. 😞

So…Today I’m ordering my sons the rings for Christmas. One for each of them. I think they will really cherish them.

Hope y’all are all well and life is good for you.

Great update (minus the pinkeye and UTI!). It sounds like you are living your best life and moving forward. The rings sound like a thoughtful and poignant gift for your sons.

Thank you for checking in! It’s good to hear from you.

Dear WhatsRight,
I have just finished reading this entire thread.
My husband is still upstairs reading all of the posts.
First, please accept our sincerest condolences on the loss of your husband back in April (my birthday, as it so happens).
I haven't been active on SI for a while; I usually just come on to update my annual sobriety/beach pic in Negril.

A few things you wrote really struck me:

"I will not be vanquished." Definitely! You are a strong woman who has been through so much in life. May I add a favourite quote from Winnie the Pooh? "You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." You have shown this to all of us here on SI.

From Monday, April 15th, 2024

There is something that I want to say that I hope will not be upsetting to anyone. If what has happened in your marriage is something that is unrepairable, I pray for you that you can move on. But if you feel that it is possible to move forward, I strongly suggest that you try to forgive and repair to the best of your ability. I just want to share with you, that right now, our struggles are not upfront in my mind. And I truly am wishing that I could have back some of that I spent suffering, blaming and judging. I’m not saying anyone else needs to feel the way that I do, but I remember one of the people on this site told me once that I should try my best to forgive, because we don’t know how much longer we have.I’m not trying to "preach "to anyone. It’s just something maybe to consider.

Forgiveness is a gift. I have been blessed with my husband's forgiveness and God's grace. Several years ago, our Anglican priest always closed the service with this Blessing and, I feel, a life mantra:
"Life is short. We don't have much time to gladden the hearts of those who walk this way with us. So, be swift to love and make haste to be kind." ― Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Newmie’s Hands~ May 23rd

I’ve always been envious of my grandmother‘s hands. Where mine are square and thick, hers are elegant and expressive, her fingers slender and long. The shape of these hands hint at her talents: canvases filled with her artist’s view of the world, flowers coaxed into masterpieces of symmetry and beauty. Newmie’s hands could peel and scrape an apple and then feed the apple mush to a little girl nodding before the fire. Ceremoniously, these hands presented a gift of oats to me, so I would not disappoint the fish in the pool or the birds gathered impatiently around the feeder. Hers were the hands of Mary, not Martha.

Dadaw held Newmie’s hands every night. By day, we all grew accustomed to bickering made unimportant by almost 70 years of marriage. "Why don’t they ever kiss?" I asked as a child. Not understanding the reticence of the 19th century. But, hands held through endless nights dark and still weave a fabric that endures.

And now? Now my grandmother‘s hands are empty. Her fingers flutter like the wings of the birds that she loves so well. Quietly she asks, "What am I going to do with my hands? "

This is such a beautifully visual story. I look at my aged hands and ask myself what they will do when the time comes that I can't hold my husband's face any more.

Thank you. Thank you for sharing your painful journey with us.
Blessings,
lf

Dear WR..I don't know why I picked your thread to read today. Perhaps just by chance but what caught my interest was the part about your husband's unexplained abdominal pains and the medical profession's inability to come up with a treatment and solution!

Sadly, my wife (looking forward) is suffering from these same unexplained pains in her abdomen. but as I read on, I was totally drawn in to your story and your life. The manner by which you explained your situation, your feelings, your struggles through each passing day had me breaking down in tears throughout your 8 pages of posts. I only wish I could find the words to express to you my complete sadness for what you have endured You are an amazingly strong, brave and courageous woman.

somanyyears