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Off Topic :
Need all the mojo and prayers i can get please

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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 4:15 PM on Monday, April 1st, 2024

Can you ask his Dr. how to handle this?

We were told to not argue with my grandmother and try to distract her if she became agitated. She would often think her parents and siblings were still living.

I don't know if this is current advice given or if it depends on the stage of dementia.

It can be very exhausting and mentally draining to deal with. I hope you all have some help and support.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 3605   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8831654
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number4 ( member #62204) posted at 4:50 PM on Monday, April 1st, 2024

I don't know if this is current advice given or if it depends on the stage of dementia.

Absolutely! There is no need to bring in information that would further confuse them. Something along the lines of, "He's not home from ________ yet." Fill in the blank with whatever would be appropriate in that situation such as work, an appt., dinner, etc.

Is your dad on palliative care (which is different from hospice care)? If not, definitely ask his health care team about it. That would afford you some social services from a social worker (I'm assuming it would be the same in Canada as it is in the U.S.) They would be incredibly helpful in guiding you with this sort of engagement with your dad.

[This message edited by number4 at 4:50 PM, Monday, April 1st]

Me: BWHim: WHMarried - 30+ yearsTwo adult daughters1st affair: 2005-20072nd-4th affairs: 2016-2017Many assessments/polygraph: no sex addictionStatus: R

posts: 1333   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2018   ·   location: New England
id 8831657
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 4:58 PM on Monday, April 1st, 2024

Hi Dragn, I’m sorry to hear about your dad on top of everything else you have going on. Just know I’m thinking of you and your fam.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1183   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8831660
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thebighurt ( member #34722) posted at 8:07 PM on Monday, April 1st, 2024

I'm so sorry for your loss and all you struggle to get through daily. Hugs to you and your family. Please take care of you as much as you can.

Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

posts: 5032   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2012   ·   location: the Other Side
id 8831682
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jadedangel ( member #26979) posted at 8:56 PM on Monday, April 1st, 2024

Is it just better to tell him that K is out?


When I had residents looking for loved ones that had passed on, I would just answer "They are not here right now but we can keep an eye out for them". Was it the best answer, no but it saved a lot of heartache.

Divorced 2007.
EXWH died 2011
Remarried 2018!

posts: 696   ·   registered: Dec. 30th, 2009   ·   location: Central City
id 8831691
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 9:26 PM on Monday, April 1st, 2024

Thank you everyone.

Dad was so lucid at the funeral, to see him then be unable to remember was really hard.

Yesterday he asked me if M, my other brother, was leaving when the kids and I were about to go. M lives with them (thank God!) So I explained that M wasn't leaving. Broke my heart to see him so confused. I have a patience with my dad that my mom and K never had. After dinner he wanted to tske something down to the chest freezer in thr basement. I told him I didn't want him falling and getting hurt since he couksnt carry it and use the rails and then asked if it was OK for me to take it for him. He agreed. My mom and K would have just told him no.

It annoys me that an adult living with elderly parents to help out is looked down on so much. M has had a difficult time. He's been wanting to move out for ages and now feels like he can't. He had moved across the country for a few years then came back. I think he regrets that. Now that K is gone and my mom refuses to move M and I are really in a bind. Of course he did say that it's all just too soon to make major decisions.

Thry still haven't cleaned out K's rooms.

It's all to much right now.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25799   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8831696
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 10:02 PM on Monday, April 1st, 2024

Dragn, you are getting good advice. It's so much easier to go along and agree or give such answers like have been mentioned. I'm dealing with an older very dear friend - a well know Brilliant attorney who progressed into dementia in the last 18 months. It's heartbreaking to witness. He was the BEST and many here would recognize his name but I won't post it for privacy reasons. He used to do a lot of network and cable news about big cases. A 'legal expert.'

We have been friends, and he was a mentor to me and we've always been close. He has a care-giver at his home and each month we gather just a few friends and meet him for lunch. He knows all of us 'in the moment.' His caregiver says by the next day he's forgotten the lunch. Six of us met with a professional to find out how to help him. We were told to try to make him smile, talk to him about his former cases (and when we do so, he remembers them and talks about them ...in the moment.) He's very physically healthy which is good - but also sad as he used to run marathons and now can't get out of his home alone. His daughter got married last Fall and he walked her down the aisle - but he thinks she's still in undergrad and planning to go to law school. She is OUT of law school and working at a firm - when she'd always planned to go into practice qith him. How sad for her too.

Just be as loving and helpful to your Dad as you can and try not to stress as we were told people with dementia pick up on stress.

You are a great daughter -- and MOM and person.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3731   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8831706
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deena04 ( member #41741) posted at 3:38 PM on Thursday, April 4th, 2024

I lost my mom to Alzheimer's. We learned to go with it. It does no good to argue or correct. Also, when my dad's mom was dealing with another form of dementia, she had forgotten that my uncle (her son) had died a couple years earlier. She kept asking when he would visit. My aunt would remind her each time he had died. It was like she was hearing the news for the FIRST TIME every single time. Don't do that. My dad finally told my aunt to say the uncle was working or busy because she was satisfied with that and then would remember at times, forget at times, etc. but she did not have to relearn that each time.

Me FBS 40s, Him XWS older than me (lovemywife4ever), D, He cheated before M, forgot to tell me. I’m free and loving life.

posts: 3326   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 8832096
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 1:59 AM on Monday, April 8th, 2024

I'm sorry I've been MIA

Its still so hard to be online, to be in any way social.

I'm still deep in grief. Still can't sleep through the night even with meds.

It's been just difficult to do anything but make it through each day.

There's much going on but i don't feel I can speak as freely as I'd like.

Anyways for now the kids and I are surviving. Them better than myself.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25799   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8832591
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:10 AM on Monday, April 8th, 2024

You have so much going on, Dragn. No wonder you are exhausted. Keep pushing through- there will be end to all this madness and sadness.
A friend of my is a caregiver for an elderly lady with dementia. She’s says it is like doing improv—- you just go along with whatever they are talking or asking about. Not easy at all. Are there local resources that can help?

Glad the little dragns are doing okay. Keep taking care of you. Sending strength.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6069   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8832593
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 2:41 AM on Monday, April 8th, 2024

Hugs to you dragn.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1183   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8832598
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:16 AM on Thursday, April 18th, 2024

How are you and the little dragns doing, Dragn?

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6069   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8833859
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little turtle ( member #15584) posted at 1:57 PM on Thursday, April 18th, 2024

(((Dragn))) Thinking of you and the kiddos. ♥

Failure is success if we learn from it.

posts: 5612   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2007   ·   location: michigan
id 8833886
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 2:17 AM on Sunday, April 28th, 2024

Sending ((virtual hugs)) and prayers

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1678   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8835017
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:53 PM on Monday, April 29th, 2024

Thinking of you. A huge ((((( )))) virtual hug!

posts: 12181   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8835166
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WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 3:14 AM on Tuesday, April 30th, 2024

Thinking of you.

Sometimes it’s hard to know what the universe is thinking when they throw so much at us at once. But you are very strong. Even when it makes you a little mad to be so strong. It seems like the stronger we try to be, the more shit the universe throws at us.

But what it all boils down to is you and the kids. Someday this mess with your STBXH will be over. And you will learn the best reaction for your dad’s struggles.

I wish I knew what was the best thing to say to help you through this. But it would be "the pot calling the kettle black" at this point.

Just put one foot in front of the other. Day by day. You and the kids are going to get through this. But I certainly know that sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.

Sending lots of love your way.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 8218   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8835197
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josiep ( member #58593) posted at 12:20 AM on Friday, May 3rd, 2024

Although I haven’t been participating, I have been checking in once a month or so to see how you and Whatsright are doing. I was so sad to read about your brother, but now having to deal with your father’s fading memory, I don’t know how you do it. if the right words existed to help ease your grief, I would say them 100 times. If I live nearby, I’d roll up my sleeves and help you out in any way I could. Sadly, the best I can do is send you my thoughts and prayers and perhaps a few cyber hugs. I wish you peace..

[This message edited by josiep at 12:21 AM, Friday, May 3rd]

BW, was 67; now 74; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. D July, 2017

posts: 3237   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8835510
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Myname ( member #23138) posted at 2:45 AM on Friday, May 3rd, 2024

I'm just seeing this now. I am so sorry. This is so heartbreaking. crying

DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 45
12-08-10: S
Divorced and moved on with my life.

posts: 4058   ·   registered: Mar. 7th, 2009   ·   location: Inside your computer.
id 8835524
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 5:54 PM on Monday, May 6th, 2024

Hi everyone. Wanted to stop by, give a bit of an update.

Got around to cleaning out my brothers stuff. I only cried once. M (other brother) and my two oldest just hugged me. Kids didn't get upset at all until we got home. There was a few things I wanted. Brothers coat and hat that he always wore. Dd brought the coat inside then just hugged it tight and cried and then it was a cry fest for all of us.

I didn't think the kids wanted to help with brothers stuff but they all insisted. They all wanted something of their uncle's. Ds is getting most of his clothes. Two suits, shirts, pants. Brother has things that hadn't even been worn yet. One suit is a 3 piece and ds looked 18 when he put it on.

Still alot to clean out but my car was packed so I'll be making more trips. Some things are being donated. Some things we set aside for his friends.

Mom took me aside and went over hers and dad's new wills. She also said to expect another funeral as dad is continuing to go down hill.

M has arranged a surprise day trip with the kids coming up soon, my parents 50th anniversary is in a couple of weeks. It's an open invitation for friends and family so I expect a full house again.

Still no updates on family or criminal court stuff. Still no child support either. I haven't even been given a case number. I had a meeting last week to see what else can be done.

It's been extremely tight especially with all of the year end trips and events the kids are going to. I refuse to let them suffer and not be included just because of money. So we have given up other things.

All of the kids are now in IC. Little M finally got to start. Its helped so much.

We all built garden boxes and hopefully now we can plant the seedlings we started inside. The Cucumbers are growing all over the place so they need to be transplanted. Big D is excited about the Cucumbers. He has insisted we make Pickles.

We aren't great but we aren't bad either. We enjoy family movie nights, play games, do crafts together so it's not all bad.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25799   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8835758
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 9:30 PM on Monday, May 6th, 2024

I'm so glad to hear you and the kids are doing okay and supporting each other. I'm sorry about your dad's health. The hits keep coming for you and your family. Life can be so extra hard sometimes.

I can't believe you haven't received any child support. I don't know how long these things typically take or how it works where you live. I also don't know how some parents can walk away from the responsibility of their own children. I'm sorry that has to be an extra worry for you.

Your kids sound awesome!!!

Sending you big hugs and strength!!

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 3605   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8835776
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