Newest Member: Delilahh

number4

Me: BW
Him: WH
Married - 30+ years
Two adult daughters
1st affair: 2005-2007
2nd-4th affairs: 2016-2017
Many assessments/polygraph: no sex addiction
Status: R

Update your Apple products software

Lots of people haven't heard about this, but if you have any Apple devices, you need to do this to avoid two security vulnerabilities that have been actively exploited. One story I heard is that millions of people have had their devices seriously compromised.

Just your friendly poster trying to inform people with Apple devices.

BID: 219562

CID: 232

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ZID: 646249 (async 300x250)

2 comments posted: Friday, August 19th, 2022

Wilting flower bouquet needs help

We frequent the weekly farmer's markets in our area and really enjoy our haul each week. Yesterday we passed by a booth that had $7 fresh cut bouquets that looked lovely... it had a couple of hydrangeas, a bird of paradise, and some greenery. I got one bouquet for me, and another for D2, who we always stop by and see after the farmer's market because it's close to her house. She immediately put her bouquet in some water, but mine sat out in the car for the hour or so that we were visiting with them. As soon as we got home, I cut all the stems at a diagonal, and put them in a vase with water - they were already looking a bit wilty, but I figured once I cut the stems and got them in water, they'd perk up.

As I finished putting the last stem in the vase, I looked down and saw ants all over my kitchen counter - obviously coming from the flowers or greenery. So I took the bouquet outside and put it on the patio dining table, which is not in direct sun, but it was hot yesterday (mid 90s). The flowers never perked up, and continued to wilt, so this morning I brought them inside, making sure all the ants were gone, cut some of the stems again, and waited. Part of one of the hydrangeas is just barely starting to open back up, but everything else looks as it did yesterday.

Could the heat of being in the car have doomed my bouquet? Then I added fire to the fuel by moving the vase outside when I found the ants? When I bought the bouquet, they did not provide any water in the plastic sleeve they put the arrangement in. But they had been in water when we got them.

I got D the exact same bouquet, and hers is fine. I'd like to start buying flowers each week at the farmer's market, but want to make sure I do what I need to to make sure they last. I've had hydrangeas in arrangements coming from a florist that have lasted well over a week. Obviously I did something wrong.

7 comments posted: Monday, August 1st, 2022

4th of July parade mass shooting

I'm just devastated by this last shooting. Without giving too many details that would identify me, we know the area very, very well, and in fact the shooter lived within easy walking distance of where we used to live, but not in the same town. We were just in shock yesterday as the images played on TV and we recognized many of the shops and restaurants we used to frequent. The hospital where they took most of the victims is very familiar to me; I've been to that ER.

I knew it was a matter of time before I started reading updates on my FB page that people knew people who were there (thankfully, no one I knew was there, that I know of at this point). One friend had a member of her temple killed. For the past 15 years, this friend has volunteered with EMT services at this parade, except for twice... and yesterday was the second time, so she wasn't there. She said she is always stationed at exactly the intersection where the shooting happened, but she was traveling this year, so literally dodged a bullet. Another friend had a professional colleague killed. Another friend's neighbor was there, walking with Rep. Brad Schneider's group, but they were all safe. These people's lives will be changed forever... not that other lives from other mass shootings aren't changed, but this time, it hits so close to home.

I was just sick to my stomach yesterday.

19 comments posted: Tuesday, July 5th, 2022

5 years out

Somehow I always feel the need to post when I hit a significant anniversary. It was five years ago today that I kicked H out of our home; the trickle truth began and took three months. Those three months are such a blur now, but I know it was incredibly painful, and I became severely depressed. While I still struggle with some anxiety (I had anxiety issues even before H's infidelity), it is so much better than it was in those early days and weeks.

We are about to become first-time grandparents in the next couple of weeks, so it will start another new chapter in our lives. I look forward to a transition and new identity that doesn't have anything to do with what happened five years ago, something joyful. I'd been soooooo afraid that our daughter would have the baby on today's anniversary date, and it would be tainted, but that's not going to happen as of an hour ago! So we're in the clear for an exciting time.

I've been an outlier in the recovery continuum. We read a lot about how it takes 3-5 years to heal; when years 3 and 4 came along and things still didn't feel settled, I began to worry. But I know I/we're in a much better place than we were a year ago. At year 5, I can meet new people and not feel the urge to blurt out, "I have PTSD, thanks to my H." I think that's a sign of healing. I'm looking forward to more healing in the years to come.

And with that, I've done my due diligence in documenting my experience.

8 comments posted: Friday, June 10th, 2022

Royal Family shenanigans at the Queens' Jubilee.

Whether you're a royal family follower or not, a couple of videos from this weekend are absolutely entertaining... the ones of Prince Louis in particular.

Anyone else see them?

The first one showcasing his personality is the one of the flypast during the Queen's Jubilee celebration. The look on his face, on the balcony, standing next to the queen, with hands over his ears is hilarious. Kate did her part by cracking up at his reaction.

The second one is of him giving smack to his mom, who tries to redirect his antics... him giving her the brush off as they sat in the stands.

I mean, maybe they should have left him at home, but how many times will this wee little tyke get to celebrate a Queen's Jubilee? I'm glad he was included.

21 comments posted: Monday, June 6th, 2022

Texas elementary school shooting

I'm just shaking, in a more visceral way than I did with Sandy Hook.

Maybe it's because my first grandchild is due in a month.

It has to stop. Why won't lawmakers do anything?? (that's a rhetorical question).

14 dead, some children. More hospitalized where the death rate could go up.

It has to stop.

12 comments posted: Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

It finally happened to our dog - encounter with a skunk.

I think it must be Friday, the 13th still somewhere... H went to let our pooch out to potty around 2:15AM, and he got sprayed. I could smell it in the house before H even got in to tell me. I grabbed the hydrogen peroxide, baking soda and Dawn and passed them through the door. H is outside with him now rubbing it in his coat for 20 minutes before the first rinse. He's really not going to like it when the cold water from the hose hits him.😤

I did fill up a bucket of lukewarm water to pass outside, but most of the rinsing will have to come from the hose. Thankfully it's still 70° out at 2:45AM. And of course, H has it on him, too, so he'll have to shower and scrub when he comes in.

UGGGGGHHHHHHH!

8 comments posted: Saturday, May 14th, 2022

Travel triggers have come up

One of my cousins died this afternoon. It was not unexpected, but I'm sad, nonetheless. I was probably closer to her than any of my own brothers (I had no sisters). I'm waiting word on arrangements. I've known this day was coming as she'd been diagnosed with a recurrence of cancer that was now terminal.

She lives in a city where H traveled to with his last affair partner, when he had a work trip toward the end of the affair. It was in that city that his AP got pregnant, and then a few weeks later had an abortion. H and I are doing pretty well in recovery - it's been almost five years since D-Day. But this particular city is a horrible trigger for me. We actually lived in this city for a year, early on in our marriage, when he did a post-doc. When we moved, I was ready to get out (actually the whole state makes me cringe, as a lot of my childhood PTSD took place there). I had a difficult pregnancy there, and the family I did have there (not this cousin), was pretty absent, even when we were in crisis. So the city has bad memories for me, prior to my finding out about the trip with the AP and the pregnancy. I have only been back to this city when my nephew died in 2007.

But I loved this cousin very much, and it will pain me not to go pay my respects at the funeral/memorial. One of her sisters (who I also loved very much) died a year ago, and I couldn't go as I hadn't qualified for the COVID vaccine yet, and I wasn't going to fly four hours to this area. It was very upsetting for me not to be there. So I've unwaveringly decided I'm going to go. I've asked H to go with me, because I can't go alone (anxiety issues are a real problem for me right now). He said I didn't even need to ask, that he'd do whatever I needed him to do. Because I've had time to think about this trip, I've played around with which airport I want to fly into. My cousin's house is closer to DFW, but I know that's the airport H flew into with the AP. We can fly into Love Field, but that will be further away from cousin's house. I think this is the option we need to choose (again, H says he'll do whatever I need to do to help us get through this).

H has asked me how he can support me during this time, meaning when we're there, and honestly, I don't know what to tell him, because I don't know how being there is going to effect me. Do I just grin and bear it while I'm there (there will be a lot of family around so it's possible I could be distracted)? Or ask for something from him in particular.

10 comments posted: Monday, April 11th, 2022

Let's talk grandparenting!

I know many of us here are newly recent grandparents, and some of us are inching closely to that milestone. I'd love to be in communication with others who are in this stage of their lives.

So let's open this up with, how old are your grandchildren if you have any, or when (approximately) are your grandchildren due?

And can I quickly add, damn, pregnancy and childbirth have changed so much since I had mine, but I guess that's a good thing as it improves outcomes.

I'll start... D1 due in ten weeks. Our first!

90 comments posted: Saturday, April 9th, 2022

Do you Wordle?

First and foremost, no spoilers here. Please do not give hints to any answer on the day of that puzzle.

So, who's doing Wordle? I was almost a month late joining the game. I'll have to admit, I was a bit intimidated. But once I started playing and figured out my own strategy, then it became a lot of fun. H, D2 and I share answers via text when we've played, but it's not a competition (vs. D1 and her spouse, who, sheesh, are very competitive). It's just interesting to see how other people start out, then get to the answer. At one point H told me his starting word (I think when he was showing me how he played), so I told him he had to change it up; I think he has. I don't want any advantages - want to know I can get it on my own.

I've had a couple of times where I didn't get it at all, and a few times where I've gotten it in 3. I haven't broken the 2 barrier yet, but I known several people who have gotten it in 2. I alter my starting word, depending on my mood that day.

How do you Wordle?

And yup, I'm aware of all the other games that have arisen since Wordle, including Nerdle, Qurodle, Octordle, etc. You could literally spend all day on these puzzles, so I'm just sticking with Wordle.

52 comments posted: Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022

Anyone been to baseball spring training?

During the pandemic, we became more of baseball fans than we ever had, since it was something to watch on TV. We have about 3-4 teams that we follow closely.

We have a trip scheduled next week to Phoenix to visit some friends and decided we might try to do some spring training games. We truly don't know what to expect. I know there are many venues in the Phoenix area and we'll likely have to go to a few to see the teams we want to see. Any tips for making it more enjoyable? I gather that some stadiums have grassy areas to sit on as opposed to regular seats.

11 comments posted: Friday, March 18th, 2022

What would you do? Therapist conflict

I will try not to bring in that subject which shall not be named on this forum, but here's the dilemma. Mods, feel free to move if necessary.

About a year after full disclosure, we relocated across country to our new home, and got a referral for a new couple's therapist from my new individual therapist. We've been seeing her for over three years now, and she eventually referred me to a new therapist when I got too stressed out over the commute I had to make to see new therapist #1. So I am on IC #2, and H also got a referral for his new IC from this couple's therapist.

Let me be transparent, I still miss our couple's therapist from our previous home. I really, really connected with her. Here's what happened - a couple of weeks ago, couple's therapist mentioned in passing (somehow the topic of Instagram had come up, I think that of one of my Ds, and how IG can play a role in keeping in touch with people we don't see) she has an IG following, then said she has a private account and a public account. I didn't think much of it that week, but for some reason, the following week (after we'd seen her again), I was goofing around and her comment came to me. I 100% thought, hey, she wouldn't have mentioned it to me if it weren't a professional account. I have various friends who have IG accounts that they use for education, so I thought I'd see what couple's therapist was posting.

Things went wrong very quickly. When I googled her name and Instagram, the first account that came up is a personal/private account (account #1) that is actually very, very personal. On that account #1, there's a link to a professional account (account #2), where she shares professional stuff regarding therapy, etc.

As I scrolled through #1, there were dozens of pictures and videos of her pole dancing, in very provocative clothing... two-piece outfits with bottoms that really didn't cover her butt. I am aware that some women are getting into pole dancing as a form of exercise, and I can't judge her for doing that. But on this #1 account, she also had some still photos of her posing very sexually... basically crotch shots, again in very little clothing. And her leaning across the front grille of a car, with her butt to the camera, and her looking over her shoulder. And again, not much covering the butt - probably the equivalent of a thong.

At first, I felt incredibly confused; I mean, why would someone I have a professional relationship with tell me about their IG following? And bait me with, well, one is public and one is private. In truth, they're BOTH public, because anyone can see them. Also, aside from the pictures on her IG, you can look at the pole dancing studio's IG account, and there are many pictures of her on that, too. What it boils down to is, all these videos and pictures are very sexually provocative and it is highly inappropriate for her to have mentioned the accounts to us. These are huge boundary violations to me, especially given that part of H's acting out was looking at pornography (which he no longer does). I mean, she refers to herself as a couple's therapist, and yes, is also a sex therapist. So I just sort of assumed she had a colorful sex life with her partner, but I don't need visual confirmation of that.

I.just.don't.get.it. Why do people go out of their way, to have other people take provocative and sexual pictures and videos of themselves, and POST THEM PUBLICLY??? And then, if you're a professional therapist, TELL your patients about it???

So the next day I told H about the information I'd found - we talked about it, and are really on the same page, that this is highly unprofessional, and unethical. I wanted to talk about it with my IC, but she was out of the office last week, so I won't see her until Monday. Because I couldn't talk to my IC about it, and how to handle it, we canceled our appt. with our couple's therapist last week, but will see her the day after I see my IC next week. I've made up my mind today it will be a termination appt. H mentioned all this to his IC when he saw her this week, and she knew exactly what he was talking about, and alluded that she'd found out from other therapists she networks with. She found it in very poor judgment and was very vocal with H on what she thought of it... that it's very unprofessional for her to be posting these kinds of pictures/videos for anyone in the public to easily see. So we've got one confirmation from another professional that this is wrong on many different levels.

Once you see these pictures, you can't just unsee them; she made the professional relationship untenable by implicitly directing us to this information about her activities. And what pisses me off even more is, now we have to find someone new to work with, and start over again, which is going to cost us time and money. One friend (who's a therapist) suggested we ask her to partly defray the cost of what it take to get us up to speed with a new therapist. I believe she does owe us something - it was her abysmal lack of judgment that is forcing us into finding someone new.

I'm mostly just venting here; yes, I'm judging someone for something they do outside of their professional life, but then don't make it public when you're a couple's therapist working with infidelity-laden relationships. It really just disgusts me. This is also now calling me to doubt the relationship I have with my IC because I got her name from the couple's therapist. Monday will be a big test for my IC, seeing how she handles this revelation I share with her. Ultimately, it may lead to my having to look for a new therapist, too.

22 comments posted: Friday, March 11th, 2022

Need manicotti advice

Tomorrow we are celebrating a family member's birthday. She has requested my ages-old recipe for stuffed shells. However, H hit up SIX grocery stores today, looking for jumbo pasta shells, and EVERY shelf was empty. And for some reason, at every store, they were on sale. Not sure what is going on, but we have to move to plan B, which is using manicotti shells. I've never cooked, much less stuffed, manicotti shells before. I'm hoping someone can give me some tips.

The stuffing will be a mixture of 1/2 lb. each, cheddar and mozzarella cheeses, and 1 c. sour cream. After they're stuffed, we will spread marinara sauce on top and bake in the oven until cheeses are melted.

I do not own a pastry bag.

Any suggestions on how I can prevent this from becoming a disaster?

5 comments posted: Saturday, March 5th, 2022

yup, site is broken

I can read, but whenever I hit 'post reply to topic', it directly leads to starting a new topic. I have a MacBook Air, and am operating on Safari. Same thing happens when I'm on my iPhone.

I signed out of SI, closed my browser, and reopened everything. Nothing works. This started last night, and hasn't changed this morning.

10 comments posted: Friday, February 25th, 2022

Can we talk about the Ukraine/Russian war without it becoming political?

I'm sort of freaking out tonight. I've been following this story for several weeks now, even before the Olympics. I'm sitting here trying to figure out if I should come up with some sort of plan in case there's some sort of nuclear attack on our country. Tonight, Putin alluded to something 'never seen before in history' toward countries that interfere with his actions. I have been doing a lot of reading about Ukraine, familiarizing myself with its geography/people/history.

I have friends from Russia, who have family still in Russia, and our friends have absolutely horrible things to say about Putin. He's evil personified. I believe he would take the world down if he thought he was going down.

Seriously, if there's a nuclear attack, what can you do? I never thought, in my lifetime, that I'd see the threats of this kind that were this worrisome.

Can someone talk me down?

Does anyone here have any loved ones in Ukraine? It must be terrifying, although they saw it coming... but really, this massive in just a few hours?

31 comments posted: Thursday, February 24th, 2022

Anyone here have any Oofos recovery shoes?

Dang, after a long hike (well, long for us), my feet need to be in something other than my hiking shoes/boots when we get back to the car. My hiking shoes/boots are extremely comfortable, but when we're done and I take them off, I need something cushy to put my feet in.

In the past, I've known people who have worn Oofos, and really liked them (especially post-running). So what makes them so special? How do they compare to Crocs? I have a relatively narrow foot, although I can manage with medium width shoes most of the time. Would my foot wear these well? I'm thinking about ordering some online, but would like to hear from others.

6 comments posted: Sunday, February 13th, 2022

Peach tree nets

D and her husband have a peach tree in their yard that they planted a couple of years ago (yes they bought it despite being told how difficult it is to bring peaches to ripening). My life is all about peaches. I'll eat pretty much anything that has peaches in it. Thankfully we're now in a climate that allows for fresh peaches from about May through October!! They are abundant at our farmer's markets during those months.

Anyway, every year, this peach tree has blossomed beautifully, and small peaches begin to grow. But then the critters get to them... not sure if it's the birds or squirrels (or both). And the poor tree has yet to produce one fully ripened peach.

I am going to change that this year. D mentioned you can buy nets to put over the trees to keep the critters from getting the fruit when it's small. I would have no idea where to look, or how to find, or how to pick such a net.

Can anyone here direct me in the right direction. It's blooming right now, so I think I have a few weeks before it starts to fruit. I'm guessing peach trees aren't the only fruit trees that get pilfered. So how do I know what to get?

8 comments posted: Thursday, February 3rd, 2022

Winter solstice almost here!!

I started a thread about this last year; I really needed a sign that things were going to get better. It was the first year I'd spent Christmas without my oldest child, and it was so depressing. I just wanted to see a light at the end of the tunnel, literally and figuratively. Pandemic-wise, while we're better than we were last year, at least those of us who have chosen vaccines/boosters do still see a light at the end of the tunnel. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that my diligent watching of the calendar hasn't been as intense this year. We get to have our daughter with us, and she's just begun her second trimester of pregnancy, so we have wonderful new things to look for.

But, I DO look forward to seeing those sunsets inch later into the day!! This past week I had a procedure at the dermatologist's office - called Levulan Photodynamic Therapy. It can treat several conditions, but I had it for the sun damage and pre-cancerous spots I have on my face from all those sunburns I had as a child and early adulthood. It's not considered a cosmetic surgery, but can help with tone and texture. Anyway, I had it done on Thursday - after the treatment I had to cover my face and head with a scarf and wide-brimmed hat to come home. Once I was home, I couldn't go outside until yesterday morning, unless it was after dark. So Thursday and Friday, I took short walks after dark, which thankfully, was as early as 5:15. So I can't complain too much about the early sunsets. I have another treatment in a month, then a third one a month after that, so the shorter daylight hours play into my favor for now.

3 comments posted: Sunday, December 19th, 2021

Also have a secret!!

When WTAF posted last month about becoming a grandma, it took everything in me not to chime in. But the secret is basically out now.

I'm joining the club!! First time, too!

21 comments posted: Saturday, December 11th, 2021

psilocybin and/or ketamine treatments for mood disorders

Psilocybin has been making the news around here since CA started allowing its use in clinical experimentation for various mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, PTSD and bipolar disorder. It is still illegal here, but can be used under the care and supervision of researchers. It's a complicated process and no two clinics seem to be offering the same experience. The gist of what I understand, though, is that for people who are willing to pursue this treatment for their mental health issues, there is a professional pre-screening with a psychiatrist, and if approved, the psilocybin is given under the observation of a physician, and then a therapist assists with the processing part, both during the 'trip' and also a debriefing period (can only need one, or up to several to process).

I know of one man at our church who went through this process a couple of years ago, but I haven't seen him in person since our church shut down for COVID. I do plan on reaching out to him about his experience.

Then there's ketamine. About nine years ago, I actually received ketamine while in the hospital for a treatment-resistant severe depression, which was brought on by an extended period of debilitating anxiety. They gave me ketamine twice, just moments before putting me under anesthesia for ECT. I had 12 ECT sessions, but they only gave me ketamine twice. So who knows what eventually worked... was it ketamine or ECT, or both. They told me that there are strong studies that support the use of ketamine along with ECT for optimal results. We have a family friend in a different state who suffers from severe anxiety similar to mine. Last summer she went through ketamine treatment, I think several visits. And it really pulled her out of a serious state so that she could become functional again.

I've talked to my therapist and couple's therapist about both psilocybin and ketamine. While I'm fairly functional, my anxiety still causes some limitations in my life, such as not driving on freeways, and not able to travel alone. The freeway thing has been for about two years now, and the traveling alone started about three years ago (yea, not long after that unnamed trauma in my life). I used to be an incredibly independent person, traveling abroad by myself, traveling across the country by myself, etc. H still works, I don't, and am so disappointed that I have these limitations, so I'm starting to look at alternatives other than prescription drugs. Nine years ago, I also tried TMS, but it didn't help. My psychiatrist says the approach to TMS has changed a lot in nine years, and thinks it's worth considering again.

But the point of this post, is to ask if anyone here knows anyone who has tried psilocybin or ketamine treatments for anxiety or depression, and if so, what was their experience. MDMA and LSD are also being studied, but I'm only interested in the two treatments I've mentioned here.

1 comment posted: Wednesday, December 1st, 2021

Anyone get a Covid-19 booster shot yet?

H got his last Saturday - Moderna. He woke up Saturday in the middle of the night with some serious chills throughout the night. Felt achy and tired on Sunday, enough to take some Advil. Had some minor chills Sunday night during the night again, and slept in on Monday morning. But when he woke up, he felt fine. When he got his second Moderna over six months ago, he had a dull headache for a day or so, and felt tired, but not terribly so.

I'm scheduled to get my Pfizer booster tomorrow evening. The only reaction I had to my first two shots was a sore arm... nothing else.

The first few people I know who got their third shots didn't have any reaction. But I guess now that more and more people are getting #3, I'm hearing about more reactions. It certainly won't keep me from getting it, but I'm just wondering what anyone's reactions here might have been.

60 comments posted: Thursday, November 4th, 2021

In the market for a new locking mailbox

Twice in the last month we've had mail/packages stolen out of our mailbox, which sits at the street curb. So we need to get one that locks. I found someone on Task Rabbit who will do the job for us, but we have to get the mailbox.

I'm online looking at various places like Home Depot, Lowe's, Amazon, and have NO idea what makes a locking mailbox the most secure it can be. Any suggestions?

0 comment posted: Friday, October 22nd, 2021

Names for grandparents

I was talking with a friend last week, and telling her that my daughter and her husband are actively trying to get pregnant. She told me that I should stake out a name now, before the other two grandmothers (SIL's mom and stepmom) claim one so I get what I want.

So there are the obvious ones: grandma and grandpa. But I really don't want to use one of those. What are some names you've either used with your own grandparents, or have your grandchildren use for you?

There are the obvious ones: Mimi, Meemaw, Gigi,; Pops, Pawpaw, Gramps

17 comments posted: Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

Klutz in the kitchen

I've had two encounters with sharp things in my kitchen in the last month. UGH!

About a month ago, I was reaching behind the kitchen sink to open a window, and the side of my wrist said hello to a knife in the dish drying rack. It was a small cut, maybe 1/3". It wasn't too deep. I mentioned it to a couple of people and their reply was, "Don't you know you have to store knives point down?" Yea, no one ever told me that. But now we know. It was sort of awkward, because every time I looked at the cut, it reminded me of what someone's wrist might look like if they had attempted suicide. Thankfully everyone who saw it believed me when I told them what happened.

Then last night... much more serious. We got a new food processor, and I was using it for the first time. Our old food processor only held two cups; this one holds four, so to get stuff out, you really have to stick your hand down in there (I was crumbling gouda cheese; I think it was too soft, and just kept getting stuck in the blade). I was emptying the first batch, stuck my hand in there, some of the cheese was sticking, so I tapped the container on the bowl, and my finger got sliced by the blade. I knew it was bad immediately; so I called H to tell him he needed to come home to take me for stitches. My doc's office was already closed, but I talked to him and he told me where to go. The cut is between the middle knuckle and the knuckle closest to your palm and is vertical. I'd guess it's at least 1". It took seven stitches to close it up. It's completely wrapped up in gauze and adhesive wrap to keep it dry, so typing is hard! Since I couldn't remember when my last tetanus shot was, I had to get one of those, too.

When it happened, it jolted me so much that I panicked; so I took some Xanax, knowing I was about to undergo a medical procedure. After they got done sewing it up, I was still shaken, so I took some more. Let's just say I slept good last night. The anesthetic was still working when I fell asleep, but it was really hurting this morning when I woke up. And I still feel sort of shaken up...I mean, it's only a cut on my finger; not sure what that's about.

So you'd think H would learn from my mistake... after we got home from urgent care, he then had to clean up the kitchen since I had been in the middle of making dinner when it happened. He was washing the food processor, and yep, he cut the end of his finger on the blade. His cut is not as bad as mine, but this morning when he was making his lunch, it started bleeding through his bandage again and he had to change it. He was going to stop at the pharmacy to pick up some liquid bandage.

So yea, we have become klutzes in the kitchen, and it sucks.

4 comments posted: Wednesday, September 29th, 2021

How to keep emergency money from getting damp?

We keep a small amount of cash in a lockbox for emergencies. We get into perhaps 2-3 times a year, when we realize neither one of us has any cash, we don't have time to run to the ATM, and need it now.

However, last summer when we needed some, when we opened the lockbox, the money was damp. So we laid it all out on the kitchen table to dry it out. Then we put in a bag of rice, and some of those silicone gel packs you get in your bottles of prescriptions, hoping between the two, it would absorb any moisture. Yesterday went to get some cash, and it's damp again.

FWIW, we live in a very dry climate. The lockbox is kept in a closet. This has really stumped us. Any suggestions for keeping it dry?

7 comments posted: Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Anyone watching the Little League World Series?

I'm such a dork when it comes to this annual event (well, annual until last year). We have no personal experience with this sport, other than our kids played Little League a couple of years when they were young, then quit.

But many years ago, my ex sister-in-law's sister's husband coached a team out of Texas, so we followed the tournament (I think they went pretty far). I found it fascinating, and almost every year since, we've followed the tournament.

Over ten years ago, H and I were on our way home from dropping our daughter off at college in PA, on the weekend of the title games. So we decided to take a detour off of I-80 and go to the game. I think it was the hottest day ever in South Williamsport... since we were unprepared, we stopped at a large grocery store, bought a blanket to sit on, some hats, and sunscreen. When we got to the complex to park, it was like going through the airport - we went through screening which forced us to pull out our sunscreen, apply it there, and throw it out (because it was more than 2 oz. of liquid). Also, H had a pocket knife on his keychain. Out it went into the trash (we were too far from the car to walk back and stow them there). But the screening was pretty much a replica of what they do at airports.

When we got inside the park, there was no seating left in the stands, so we were relegated to sit 'on the hill' (if you've ever watched, you know the hill behind the outfield is where all the kids use cardboard boxes to slide down). I remember it being difficult to sit on the steepness of the hill - it's truly hard to appreciate it unless you've been there... TV doesn't do it justice. And as I said, it was friggin' hot. Every inning or inning and a half, I'd go to the restroom, and basically splash water all over my head, face, neck, arms and legs. And there was no shade!

We got to see the U.S. championship game, which was phenomenal. It ended with a walk-off home run. When we got back to our car and got in, we realized we smelled worse than either of us probably ever had, and we had a TEN hour car drive back home, stuck inside this car with each other. We didn't get home until the middle of the night, and as tired as we were, the first thing we did was jump in the shower! The year we were there, there was also a measles outbreak, brought over by a player from Japan!

So that's my story, and since then, we've continued to watch it. I have really mixed emotions about it. I think these kids are phenomenal players who are also incredibly smart at their sport. I find it fascinating that they can have 11 and 12 year olds who range from not even 5' tall, to 6' tall, and weight ranges that rival that difference. I LOVED it seven years ago when Mo'Ne Davis pitched a shut out - the first girl to do so. So many highlights to remember. But then I see what looks like an emotional toll from the pressure on these young kids, and it tugs at my heartstrings. For many of these kids, though, regardless of the outcome, it's a memory they will cherish for the rest of their lives. I do appreciate the slaughter/mercy rules so things don't get too out of control. I prefer to watch games that are close, than routs. So far this year, I haven't heard any stories that tell me to root for any particular team, but a team from Los Angeles County is in it, and I guess it's been the first time a team from LA County has been in it since the 1990s. So maybe I will send my energy to them.

6 comments posted: Thursday, August 19th, 2021

leptospirosis vaccine in dogs

When we lived in the Midwest, we regularly gave our dog the leptospirosis vaccine, and I don't remember any problems. When we moved to CA, because it's not much of an issue here, they told us we really didn't need to get it. Then this week a story on the news made me rethink, and I decided to get his first vaccine today (two boosters required). The news said one veterinarian reported that he has seen maybe a dozen cases a year in the last 20 years; but in the last three weeks, he's seen triple that. So it's officially considered an outbreak here.

So, got the vaccine this afternoon around 4; he's miserable right now. We can tell by how he's walking that his left rear leg is struggling, like he's in pain. He can't settle down - panting a lot, too. We had some leftover (prescribed within the last six months) hydrocodone and carprofen (an anti-inflammatory) in the house, so I decided to give him some hydrocodone. I called our vet's office, but they were already closed for the day. I called the 24/7 emergency clinic and they said dogs can get really sore from a vaccine. He always gets all the recommended vaccines, and he's never had a reaction like this. I decided not to give him the carprofen because it's an anti-inflammatory, I didn't want it to interfere with the vaccine mechanism. Also, when I was at the vet's, I asked them if there was anything I needed to watch out for after the vaccine, and they said sometimes they can get a 'mass' where the vaccine was injected, but when they gave it to him, they rubbed it in really good so it would more easily disburse. But could it cause this much pain?

I just feel so bad for him... not sure what to do. When I tried to touch his rear hip, he turned around really, really fast... so we know it's the hip that's bothering him. You can see it in how he's walking (if you can call it walking). He hasn't been rough-housing today or anything that would cause hip pain.

11 comments posted: Monday, August 16th, 2021

Guests with so many food restrictions!

Let me start by saying, I am what many people would call a picky eater. I get that it's usually my restrictions that limit us in choosing restaurants, etc. The only meat I eat is (most) beef, (most) poultry, and pork. I occasionally will eat fish if I've fixed it the only way I'll eat it. I do eat king crab and shrimp. I do OK with most vegetables, but am not a fan of onions, brussel sprouts, cooked spinach, kale, beets, and probably a few others.

So I was embarrassed when our next-door neighbors invited us over for dinner tomorrow. She proposed lamb chops (nope, I don't do lamb), then salmon. I almost decided to suck it up and just eat the damn salmon, but as I thought about it, I just didn't think I could pull it off, so I was upfront and told her that I didn't eat lamb or fish, which is why we tend to do the inviting of people over, so I can control the food options. This is the first time these neighbors have asked us over - we've had them over before at our house. Anyway, I told her how embarrassed I was about my food likes/dislikes, and she seemed very open to chicken, which will be fine.

So I'm sensitive to those who have dietary restrictions for one reason or another.

However, I don't know what I'm going to do the next time we have both daughters and their husbands for meals. One SIL can't do dairy; oldest D was diagnosed with celiac a year ago, and last weekend, youngest D told us she's basically off of meat, unless she knows the source is known for treating its animals humanely... so no typical grocery store pickings (maybe something from Whole Foods would work). AND... they've had chickens for just over a year now, so they don't do chickens anymore, at all, no matter the source!

Each one of these restrictions, on its own, would be easy to work around. But when you combine them all, it leaves me with very little to work with. For instance, tonight we invited younger D over for dinner (her H was working) and we were having fajitas. But I made a wonderful batch of black beans in my Instant Pot, so she put those on her fajita, while we had meat on ours, and beans on the side. Easy, peasy; but if older D were here, we couldn't do that as she can't have flour tortillas.

We won't all be together again until Christmas, so I have time. I'm not sure if younger D will even eat turkey. Guess I'll have to ask. Older D says Trader Joes makes a wonderful gluten-free stuffing. It's so sad because, we have a Big Green Egg (ceramic smoker), which is great for smoking meats - we usually smoke our turkey and it is outstanding. We also have done other meats on the Egg, but now we have to be careful about where we buy them, if we're going to have younger D over.

So I'm complaining about my immediate family's food options, while at the same time, I just told my next-door neighbor that the first two things they offered to serve us, I don't eat.

I need some guidance on how others have handled multiple, different food limitations of their guests. FWIW... H eats anything and everything.

12 comments posted: Sunday, August 8th, 2021

Father's Day - yay or nay?

I hate these Hallmark holidays. It feels like everyone I know posts over-the-top diatribes about how wonderful their fathers were. I almost started a thread dissing Father's Day, but thought that wouldn't be fair to all the fathers out there who are decent, hard-working fellas, who were involved in their kids' lives. But reading about them on Facebook, or wherever, it hurts.

So this is a thread for those who want to lament the absence of a meaningful relationship with their dads, or those who want to affirm dads in their lives (could be their own, or their partner, who is a good dad to their kids).

Me? I hate to say it, but I don't know if I've ever really missed my dad since he died in 2001. He was a good provider, and had a better relationship with my much older brothers, than me. He wasn't interested in co-parenting me (told me so once when I was in my 30s and he thought I was being rude to him) because he didn't agree with my mom on how she should raise me. Yea, it stings. He thought I should be treated the same as my older brothers, which I probably should have, but he shouldn't have dismissed me just for that reason. He shamed me in really implicit ways and was not the kind of parent (well, neither was my mom) I could go to if in trouble, and I was once... serious trouble. If I'd gone to him, he would have disowned me.

So I fall into the camp of "Father's Day - Nay".

14 comments posted: Sunday, June 20th, 2021

D-day 4 years later

Today is the 4th anniversary of D-Day #1. I don't post in this forum very often because sometimes I get triggered by reading here too much. But I just felt like I needed a public acknowledgement of some kind, of what I've survived in the last four years.

H and I had a productive conversation tonight about what happened that day, a conversation he initiated; how he had told me in a marriage counseling session that he didn't want to be married anymore, and how, when we got home, for some reason I've never been able to figure out, I asked him if he was having an affair. We talked about how I felt (actually sort of relieved that this nightmare of a marriage as it was, was finally over), what I did (kicked him out), who I reached out to, etc.

But today was actually the first time H really talked about how alone he felt that day; it was definitely his bottom, although he bounced around in that bottom for a few weeks as more revelations came out. Just a week earlier, the last bitch terminated a pregnancy, after she intentionally got pregnant, despite his very verbal wishes that he did not wish to have any more kids. So he felt guilty about that (she volunteered to terminate the pregnancy, despite him telling her he would do the 'right' thing by her). But then she lost it on him, telling him that everything was his fault, that her life was ruined forever because of him.

I didn't mean to get into whose fault what was, but it sort of illustrates exactly how low he was feeling the day I kicked him out. I do think it's progress that he's now acknowledging other feelings he felt that day, than guilt and shame.

So today starts the anniversary period of several major revelations over the next few weeks, even though it was really over with this last bitch.

We're actually in such a better place in our marriage than we ever were - he's still working hard to understand why he did what he did, and how his defense mechanisms (ability to majorly compartmentalize) allowed him to hurt me so badly. But yea, four years out, and I still have so many visuals of what happened on D-Day #1, and it still sucks.

7 comments posted: Thursday, June 10th, 2021

What's with airplane travel these days???

I can't tell you how many stories I've read in the last couple of weeks of passengers going berserk on planes, either losing it over wearing a mask, or keeping their seat belts on, etc. Today was another one... a passenger trying to break into the cockpit mid-flight. I mean, WTH?

We went away a couple of weeks ago, flying on a new airline out of Burbank airport because they had some butt-cheap fares. On our way home, the petite girl sitting in front of me kept her seat reclined the entire time from when she got on the plane until she got off, including takeoff and landing. This, despite the flight attendants announcing that seats must be in an upright condition during take off and landing; when the flight attendants went through the cabin to check on this, either they didn't notice her seat was completely reclined, or they chose not to say anything. I'm wondering if flight crews are just so afraid of passengers these days going off on them, that they choose their battles, and they didn't want to die on the hill of making someone raise their seat back. I'll have to admit, I may have gotten a little passive aggressive as I would reposition myself, bumping into the back every now and then once it was clear she was going to go against the rules. fwiw... I noticed the person sitting in front of her did not have her seat back reclined, so this petite girl (I'm guessing late teens/early 20s) did not need the extra leg room. AND... this airline actually offers really decent leg room; we expected way less, given it's a no-frills start-up. This was the first time we've flown in over 18 months.

We're flying from coast to coast in 2.5 weeks, and I'm not looking forward to it. We did splurge on first-class tickets, so I'm thinking, geez, what if someone tries to get into the cockpit during our flight... people in first-class are the closest to the drama.

I never used to be the kind of person who spent the time at the gate waiting to board to check out other passengers, but I'm starting to become that person, and I hate it.

12 comments posted: Friday, June 4th, 2021

Shelf life for makeup?

In the last year, I can probably count on one hand how often I wore anything than some occasional mascara and eye liner.

I solely use Jane Iredale makeup, except for my mascara and eye liner. I really like the brand. But I'm realizing that some of that eye shadow, blush, concealer, and foundation have probably been sitting in my makeup drawer for two years.

Do I need to take the plunge and start over with this stuff? I know if I go to the Jane Iredale makeup counter at Macy's, I will get a lecture that you should only keep this stuff for six months, or a year, or whatever they say, so I'm sure they'll tell me I shouldn't be using it.

D's wedding is in three weeks, so I will be wearing makeup for the several days that our family and her fiance's are all together. Interestingly, when D did her trial makeup session a couple of weeks ago, the makeup person used Jane Iredale, and said she'd be using it the day of the wedding on those who get their makeup done with her. It's her go-to brand.

5 comments posted: Thursday, June 3rd, 2021

Hair blow dryers vs. volumizers

So a couple of weeks ago, I impulse purchased a Revlon hair volumizer at Costco when it was on sale... $39.99. I fell in love with it at first use, not even knowing what I was doing. My grays (that are colored) make my hair sort of frizzy. If I want my hair to look finished, then I previously was drying it with a normal hair dryer, then using a flat iron to smooth it out. But the flat ironing made it really straight, with no volume.

Introduce the volumizer, and I'm able to dry and straighten my hair at the same time, AND give it volume, so it doesn't look stuck to my head (my hair's length is between my collar bone and chest). Seriously, the first time I used it, it looked like it did after I went to my hair salon for the first time in 14 months, about three weeks ago. It just felt so light and airy.

So I told D that I'd bought one, and she told me to be careful, that volumizers can damage the hair because they get so hot; I did a little research, and yes, people say it can damage the hair if you're not careful. I've just spent the last 14 months growing it out... I don't want to damage it, especially given that D's wedding is in four weeks!

So, enter the Dyson Airwrap Styler, their version of a volumizer (with some other useful attachments that would allow me to get rid of all my hair tools, curling iron, etc.) It's expensive, really expensive, but the technology doesn't damage your hair like the other volumizers can. D has it, and likes it (her hair is very fine), but says I'd probably be fine just to keep the Revlon for now, and when I go in to see my stylist in three weeks, ask her opinion. Now, D washes her hair every day; I wash my hair, probably three times a week, so that's all I use the Revlon product now. D says since I only use it three times a week, I'll be fine and won't damage my hair.

Anyone here have any experience with styling volumizers and damage to the hair? Honestly, I'm wondering how much damage it can get in comparison to when I dry my hair with a blow dryer and then use the flat iron on it. Seriously, even using just the blow dryer and not the flat iron, my hair looks pretty wild. The volumizer is amazing.

2 comments posted: Saturday, May 29th, 2021

What a crazy housing market

I've talked with several people across the country where the housing market is absolutely insane. Some people are saying it was instigated by COVID and people wanting to work from home more permanently. I think it's a combination of that and absurdly low interest rates.

A family member in the Boston area is experiencing this first hand. Has put in offers WAY above asking price on at least five houses, only to come in second or third place. They are getting so discouraged. And yes, they are a couple both now working from home in a 900 square foot condo, so they need more space.

At least there, the typical scenario is... a house gets listed Tuesday-Friday, has either open houses or appts. on Sat.-Sun., and all offers are due in either Monday or Tuesday by noon. Some of these houses have almost 70 people touring them in person. Then they have up to 30 offers the sellers have to sort through.

Buyers are making all cash offers, waiving contingencies (including inspections) and of course, writing love letters. If you really like what you see online and think you will probably make an offer, you hire your inspector to tour the house with you, so he/she can look for any glaring defects.

Our realtor here in CA says the same thing is going on here. I know it's going on in the D.C. metro area, too.

It's just crazy. Anyone else here, hear of similar stories? I don't know what to say to this family member who is so frustrated by the process. They've been going through this ritual since late January with no luck. We're talking about houses that are $1M and up. Lots and lots of buyers for them. I say, "Whaaaaat?"

26 comments posted: Friday, April 23rd, 2021

Mother of the bride dresses

With all 17 people in attendance due to get their vaccines by late June, D1 has scheduled her wedding.

I started some preliminary looking online for MOB dresses, and am getting very frustrated. I've spent around 2-3 hours online. I got my MOB dress for D2 at BHLDN, and LOVED it! It was long, formal and perfect!

D has not given me any instructions on what she wants me in (she lives on the other coast, so no opportunity for her to go shopping with me before the wedding) - she said it doesn't matter if it's long or short; obviously the only caveat is that it's not white. She is wearing a casual white wedding dress. D2 and I will both be vaccinated fully in two weeks, so we figured sometime in early May, we'd hit some stores, including BHLDN. I happened to be near a Nordstrom (my always go-to store) earlier this week, and just decided to do a quick walk-through, to see what their inventory of special occasion dresses is. UGH... since the pandemic, and there not being many special occasions, they basically got rid of that department. They do have a lot online, and just a few in the store, so I have ruled out Nordstroms as a place for D2 and I to look next month. I'm starting to wonder if all the high-end department stores are going to be like Nordstroms when we get there. I'm thinking, Bloomingdales, Saks Fifth Avenue, etc. Will they also have just a few dresses in the store for me to try on?

I don't know where to turn at this point. I stopped at a couple of small boutiques this week, and was told they're really not getting in any dresses, that the ones they have, aren't selling. I don't want to go to any place like a David's Bridal, but may have to consider a boutique bridal shop perhaps.

I'm willing to spend several hundred dollars because I won't need any shoes; I've still got a pair of gorgeous nude, wedge sandals from D2's wedding, and because I already have shoes, I am willing to spend more on the dress than I did for D2.

I have no idea where in LA are the special occasion dress stores, other than Rodeo Drive, and I just don't see myself going down there (but if I'm desperate, I will). I keep thinking there must be some alternatives that I haven't thought of.

Oh, I did order one dress online from Nordstrom - funny thing is I saw it, and really liked, it, but they didn't have it in my size - not even close; then I was looking a few days later to send to a friend (so she could see what kind of dress I was looking for), and lo and behold, it was available in a size larger than I usually wear, so I ordered it (it must have been a return since it wasn't available a few days earlier). If I like it, and it can be altered, I may not need to look around.

Any ideas?

25 comments posted: Friday, April 2nd, 2021

Man oh man - Bryce Canyon NP and Zion NP

I have a friend who has a VRBO in northern AZ around the Lake Powell area. It was a long drive for us from SoCal, but I had to getaway after realizing how much vaccine envy was getting me down (ironically, I qualified for and got my first shot the day after returning). We took all food we needed for breakfast, lunch and snacks, and ordered takeaway for dinner, so no need to go into any stores, etc.

While in AZ, we did a two-hour privately chartered (just me, H and boat captain) on Lake Powell, hiked a slot canyon that was open (I never really knew what a slot canyon was until then), saw Horseshoe Bend, hiked along the Colorado River in Lee's Ferry, learned about toadstool hoodoos (yup, that's a thing) on another hike, and went to the Glen Canyon Dam overlook (tours were closed).

But on Wednesday, we left AZ and drove to Bryce Canyon NP. It was absolutely stunning. We drove to the end of the main road (about 17 miles from the entrance), and hit a bunch of overlooks on our way back. They'd recently had snow, so there were still a few patches on the ground here and there, but there were spires and cliffs that still had some snow resting on them. I took a ton of pictures (got a nice new mirrorless Nikon camera as an early birthday present), and the contrast between the red spires/rocks, the white snow, and blue sky were phenomenal. We couldn't do any hiking on trails, though, because we had our dog with us, and in national parks, dogs are only allowed on paved trails (one trail we took here was one-mile RT and paved, so we did that one), but man we saw some trails I wish we could have done that take you down into the canyons - I would have loved to see the spires from the perspective of looking up as opposed to all the looking down on them that we were able to do.

Then instead of taking the quickest route back to I-15, to drive home, we drove through Zion NP. It was about 5:30-6:30 when we drove through, so the light wasn't as brilliant as it was when we were in Bryce, but it was still beautiful. There was a one-mile long tunnel that had a couple of lookouts (but no stopping allowed in the tunnel) that I really wished we could have stopped at, and gotten out of our car. We loved Zion, too, but unfortunately didn't have enough time to spend there to do any exploring. Even if we had, again, we had the dog, and could have only stayed on paved trails.

All in all, we drove 710 miles on Wednesday - I had to get home Thursday for my first vaccine!

So I'm wondering how many people here have done Bryce and/or Zion, and was your experience as magical as ours?

1 comment posted: Friday, March 26th, 2021

Vaccine envy

I didn't want to hijack the other thread, so here it is. I am so jealous of people who have gotten their vaccine(s). Monday morning, when the new CDC guidelines came out saying fully-vaccinated people could be in the same room without a mask, it made me realize people are going to be able to start hugging others again, and it made me sad.

Please understand, I'm happy for those who have gotten it, for it means better news for everyone, including those not vaccinated yet. But it just sucks to still be in limbo. H got his first vaccine on Saturday (eligible through work), and I am just no where near being eligible at only 60 years old, and no unmanaged chronic health conditions.

All this being said, I should be grateful that I don't have some horrible chronic illness that qualifies me, and that I'm not five years older right now, but I really just am SO ready to be done with this. I am thrilled that nursing home guidance is changing so some of those residents can see family (or even other residents) again. Honestly, IMO, I think my 30-something daughter, who has asthma and cannot work from home, should be getting it before me, but so far it's not looking like that will happen. I wish the guidance in our state wouldn't go from 65+ to 40+. I wish they'd stair-step it down to 60 or 55, then 55 or 50, then 40. Because once they open up that next age tier, I'll be competing for appts. with 40-year olds.

Most of my friends are now vaccinated, due to their age, or the fact that they're still working in fields that make them eligible. I'm just feeling really left behind.

Also, some states are now lowering ages to the place where I would be qualified if I lived there (NY, AK); I wish CA would do that, but there are still too many vulnerable people who haven't gotten it, so I understand why they can't do that yet.

I haven't been to a restaurant in over a year, haven't been to a hair salon in over a year, haven't hugged my local daughter in over a year, etc. I got sloppy yesterday at my pity party, and did decide to get a pedicure... my first one in over a year after poking a hole through one of my Bombas. The place was basically empty and she did a quick job, they feel so cleaned up. But it's a slippery slope, and I need to be diligent. Other than H, I won't tell anyone about the pedicure - my kids wouldn't be happy. So I'm confessing here.

I know, I just need to hold out for a few more weeks.

21 comments posted: Wednesday, March 10th, 2021

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body...

Was wondering if anyone has read this book by Bessel A. van der Kolk? Thoughts? WH is reading it right now, but he's reading it from a different perspective than I am (BW). I have very early childhood (infant, toddler) medical trauma, as well as affair trauma. His trauma is parents who were alcoholics.

9 comments posted: Monday, February 24th, 2020

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