Newest Member: bvinnie


Me: BW
Him: WH
Married - 30+ years
Two adult daughters
1st affair: 2005-2007
2nd-4th affairs: 2016-2017
Many assessments/polygraph: no sex addiction
Status: R

Pop, pop, pop - whose brackets have already burst?

Wow... I don't really have a team in this year's tournament, but with a #15 and #16 moving to the next round after knocking out a #1 and #2, it's kind of exciting. I love rooting for the underdog... unless I have a team in it.

So happy for Princeton and Fairleigh Dickinson. Those kids must be so elated!

1 comment posted: Friday, March 17th, 2023

Timing for Covid negative test

For those who have had Covid, how long did it take you to test negative after you tested positive? Today is day 8 for H, and he's still testing positive. His work Covid protocol is that he can go back to work with a mask at day 10 if he's still testing positive.

He is masking in the house anytime he comes out of his room for anything. I mask anytime I have to talk to him, and if I'm in a room (like the kitchen) where he's been within the last half hour or so. Honestly, I spend 95% of my time in our bedroom.

But I kind of want to know how long he's going to be contagious, meaning how long do I have to feel I'm in the clear for not getting it. From what I've read, the viral load starts to drop off significantly by day 5, but we're both still masking up and staying apart.

We are supposed to leave Tuesday morning for the East Coast and I'm starting to worry he won't be over this in time for us to leave.

He has felt fine (except for a lingering cough) for about three days now. I've heard the cough can last for weeks, so we can't use that as a rubric for when he's safe to be around.

7 comments posted: Thursday, March 16th, 2023

Troubled teen industry (tti)

Do I ever feel out of the loop. Until last fall, I had no idea that this was a thing. Then I found out that a family member had been sent there as a teen, and was traumatized. When I asked about the facility, I was told it was the same one Paris Hilton went to (I think she was at more than one). So I did some digging into what this industry was. I found a Reddit group and have done a lot of reading. You can also find exposés to watch.

It's worse in some states than others. The really bad ones are in Utah because it's the only state where you can't discharge yourself or leave. They can hold you against your will. Facilities in other states threaten their residents saying, if you don't comply, we'll send you to Utah. But at least you can walk out of those facilities, although most of them are out in the middle-of-the-fuck nowhere and these kids have no idea where they are and how to get someone to help them. I don't know how the people who own these places (they're all for profit), much less the ones who work at them sleep at night.

It is absolutely devastating what happens in these places. Parents are lied to (as I'm sure they were for the family member who was sent there). Phone calls are monitored and if a kid starts to tell a parent how bad they're being treated, they will lose their phone privileges. And these places are still open, although Paris Hilton and her mom are working on legislation to shut them down.

Paris Hilton was on The View today. I have to say I never really held her in high regard, but now I see her in a different light, and applaud her for her activism.

I suspect that one of my nephews was sent to one twenty years ago; I know he was sent to a wilderness camp/school for drug and alcohol issues discovered in 8th grade. Actually throughout high school, he went to a few different schools away from home (got kicked out of a military academy for drinking).

1 comment posted: Tuesday, March 14th, 2023

Pros and cons of induction cooktop vs. gas

I have been doing my homework with regards to our major renovation job on our new home. I asked our designer which trades have the longest lead times right now, so I know which to tackle first. She said cabinets and appliances. So we have to decide which direction we're going to go with our cooktop. While there's no gas to the house right now, we plan to bury a propane tank in the backyard so we have propane for our fireplaces (no thank you to wood - what a mess). So we can go either way with the cooktop. Our daughter, who lives a few houses away from our new place, also does not have gas to her house (this part of the neighborhood does not), so they opted for an induction cooktop. Yes, it's more expensive, and you have to buy new pots and pans (hey, the ones I have now I got over 40 years ago, so I'm not going to feel guilty about getting new pots and pans) that are compatible with induction cooking. I've used her cooktop several times when we've been visiting, but I'm wondering how others feel about their induction cooktops.

Are there any cons I'm missing, other than the cost? I REALLY like the idea of wiping up messes off of the glass top after cooking, as opposed to taking apart a gas cooktop and getting in all of the crevices to get it clean.

For those who have induction, what do you think? Would you do it again?

10 comments posted: Thursday, March 2nd, 2023

Insurance/Medicare question

In light of our upcoming move later this year to the East Coast, I am researching new psychiatrists. When we moved to the West Coast 4.5 years ago, I grieved so much for my Midwest psychiatrist - she was phenomenal. It took me a couple of tries when we got here, but I found someone who I can work with now. When we first got to SoCal, I was a little over a year out from that even which shall not be named here, and the relocation did a number on me. I ended up in the hospital for a week and a half, about two months after we arrived. Let's just say, there was a lot going on in my life.

We will be six years out from 'that' event when we move again. But I am worried about the reality of making another major transition, even though this one will put me four doors down from our daughter, SIL and grandson. I've gotten the names of several psychiatrists very convenient to where we will be living, and have begun reaching out to them. I got the names from the college friend (who's a psychiatrist no longer accepting new patients but practices in the town we will be moving to, so she's familiar with the options) of my former psychiatrist in the Midwest who I adored. I've heard back from two of them (I just reached out on Friday). One of them lists on her website that she only sees patients between 18-65; I will be 63 this April, so when I emailed her, I asked her about her limitations of 65+. She replied back that she only treat patients up to age 65 as she's not able to see patients with Medicare for insurance reasons. I'm very confused. I understand that she doesn't take Medicare (none of the people I was referred to accept insurance - they're all out-of-network and I knew that to find someone I liked, that's the route I would have to go. But what if someone who has Medicare wanted to pay cash for her services? Why would she not see patients over 65 if the patient was paying out-of-pocket? I will not work with a psychiatrist that only does 15-20 medication management appointments. I want someone who is trained in psychotherapy even if I decide to use someone else for therapy. I know it's a dying art, but there are still some out there.

So can someone explain to me how Medicare works if you choose to see someone who doesn't accept Medicare? This might affect other providers I need to find. FWIW, we will have H's medical insurance (Blue Shield CA) until he retires, which won't probably happen for another 2-3 years (he's a year younger than me). If he does retire before then, we have the option of picking up his previous employer's medical insurance through the pension plan. It's really good insurance.

18 comments posted: Monday, February 27th, 2023

What documents/papers do you save and for how long - clutter clearing

I am pretty good at Marie Condo'ing my life; we've moved twice in the last six years, one cross-country. So I've gotten rid of a lot of stuff and feel pretty satisfied with my progress in that area.

But I really have a problem with all of my paperwork. I do try to keep up with shredding it, but I think some of the stuff I have can be destroyed. I mean, we have paperwork from the sale of our house six years ago, and we've lived in two different homes since. That's just an example. I have over ten years of tax returns, statements from financial institutions (credit union, bank accounts that were closed years ago, investments we no longer have, etc.). I know the smart thing would be do scan all of this stuff and save it that way, then shred the hard copies, but that really seems overwhelming. I'd have to buy a dedicated scanner to do that, too.

Does anyone have a responsible/reputable published guideline as to what to keep and what to save? We will be moving across country again later this year, and I'd like to tackle this task, slowly over time so that it's done before we move.

11 comments posted: Wednesday, February 8th, 2023

Countdown to the Winter Solstice

Only two more days!! Who’s excited to see more daylight minutes?!? 🙋‍♀️

9 comments posted: Sunday, December 18th, 2022

Dog behavior issue

Our dog will be 11 next month. He recently began a new behavior that we're at a loss about.

The morning routine is, H always gets up hours before I do. He dresses in the bathroom, and when he walks out of the bedroom, pooch follows him, and hangs with him while H is making his lunch for the day. H feeds pooch and lets him out to potty. Right before H leaves for work, he comes back to our bedroom and opens the door, so pooch can come back in, jump up on the bed and he has always gone back to sleep until I'm ready to get up.

About a month or so ago, after H let pooch back into our bedroom, pooch would jump up on the bed, but when he'd see H leave, he'd follow him out to the living room. He wouldn't stay in our bedroom, even if I would give him some nice scratches and rubs. He'd go to the dining room French doors, sit there, and just bark at the outside. Sometimes, if I use my sternest voice and yell at him, he will go back to our bedroom with me, but by the time I've done this, I'm so frustrated that when I get back in bed, I have a hard time going back to sleep. So my sleep has been poor the last month.

I decided a couple of mornings to let him bark it out, and see how long he'd do that. Yep, a full hour before he'd give up and come join me in the bedroom. Then he'd crawl up on my legs and go back to sleep; I would, too, if I'd been barking that long.

Then it occurred to me that pooch is barking... because it's dark outside! Once the sun comes up and it starts to get bright outside, that's when he's returning to the bedroom (which, BTW, has blackout curtains). So there's something anxiety-provoking to him about looking out the French doors, into the darkness. This is the first winter he's done this.

I know he's not responding to anything he's hearing outside because his hearing is terrible. He has long, furry ears and he really doesn't respond to noises (doorbell, door knock, phone ringing, etc.). We can return home from errands, he can be asleep 20' from the door on the couch, and we can walk in, start putting groceries away, etc., and he doesn't budge from his nap. He only really wakes up when his smell kicks in that we're home. Then he jumps down off of the couch and greets us.

We have a bark collar - the kind that vibrates, not shocks. Our daughter recommended it to us a couple of years ago when we were having issues with him barking at other pets walking in front of our house. But I never liked putting it on him, so it's been sitting in a drawer. That's an option we might try on Monday.

So this morning, H got up after it was light outside, fed pooch and let him out to potty. Then he left for the grocery store before I was awake, not letting pooch back into our bedroom. He found pooch on the couch, asleep when he returned from the grocery store, and he never barked once while H was gone, which is leading me to the 'barking at the dark' theory I've developed.

There's not much we can do about dark mornings right now, and I'm not going to start getting up in the mornings when it's still dark out. Any suggestions/insight? I've probably left out something, but this is the best summary I can think of right now.

21 comments posted: Sunday, December 18th, 2022

Questions about lead paint in older homes

The house that we’re buying near our daughter on the East Coast was built in the 1950s (yea, new by their standards). We close in early December, and have a lead paint test scheduled for the next day. Our realtor has told us that, since the house was built before 1978, it’s highly likely to have lead paint.

Our plan (I’m using the term lightly) was to rent the house for a while, while we work with an architect, designer, and builder to come up with a plan to enlarge it and renovate what is there. But evidently MA is one of the most strict states when it comes to renting to families with children under 7, where there is lead paint.

We have a potential renter - the friend of our D, who has a baby. They are doing some work on their house and need a temporary short-term rental, which would work great for us, as we only want short-term while we take care of all the pre- construction tasks. The potential renters know that we will be getting it tested for lead paint, and understand the strict MA laws, but say they want to rent even if there is lead paint.

I reached out to our real estate attorney, who said it’s a very risky move on our part - that disclosing the presence of lead paint does not protect us legally in MA. So if the house has lead paint, we have to find some way to remediate it quickly if we want this renter.

This whole idea of lead paint is foreign to us. What are the possibilities of what they could find when they test, and are there any remediation options, other than replacing windows and doors? We’re going to be replacing windows when we remodel (they’re currently single-pane), so we don’t want to do that now. Besides, I think there’s a supply chain issue with windows, so it might take longer to get any in, than the potential renters would be willing to wait.

What are some questions we could be researching at this time?

5 comments posted: Friday, November 11th, 2022

Living in close (really close) proximity to your adult children

The last couple of days have been roller-coaster wild.

Our plan has always been to relocate to the east coast when H retires. We now live about 15 minutes from our younger daughter, but she and her H are choosing not to have children, and will not be staying in our area more than a few years more before locating 300 miles further north. We want to live near our grandchild (who will likely have a sibling down the road). Both daughters have been aware that this was our ultimate goal.

When we were visiting D, we met with her realtor to feel the market out, wanting to learn more about the local market and how we might find a good fit. But we had no intentions of buying anything within a year or two at the earliest. Our parameters were: within a 15-minute radius of our daughter, and single-level living so we can age in place. We were more than willing to buy a diamond in the rough and put some work into it. In their market, smaller, one-level homes are notoriously being snatched up by builders, putting in 5,000 sq. ft. homes on 1/4 acre lots, so we knew the search would be tough.

Two weeks ago, a 'Coming Soon' sign appeared on the front yard of a house across the street and four houses down, a single-level living. D reached out to us immediately, got us the realtor's name, put our realtor in touch with the listing realtor, and unbelievably, we got an offer accepted yesterday! We totally expected this process to be long and competitive; to be fair, there were four other offers, two from builders, but we won (both H and I, and our D and SIL submitted love letters to the owner). So we bought a house with only two FaceTime tours, one with an inspector! I know, call us crazy.

We will get the house rental ready and rent it out until we are ready to move - the rental market is very strong in their area, too.

Over the weekend, our grandson got a nasty case of RSV, is very sick, and we realized even more, how much we want to be nearby. It's been really hard watching my D on FaceTime crying out of fear and exhaustion. Hopefully he will make a turn today, but since this weekend, they've had a doctor's appt., and been to the ER.

So because of what H and I have been through, which will not be discussed on this thread, we have become much better at setting boundaries, and have discussed that we will need to have ongoing communication with D and SIL regarding boundaries, going both ways. But neither H or I, or D and SIL have ever lived near grandparents - they were always a three-hour drive away, or a plane flight away, so this whole idea of our living a 90-second walk away is a bit intimidating. We've made it clear we will not be their daycare, and they weren't expecting that. But we are sort of at a loss as to what kinds of boundaries we should be discussing.

FWIW...while we look forward to being part of their raising their kids, we also know that, down the line, when we are older and need more help, they will be nearby, although we won't expect them to become our caregivers.

So what kinds of things should we be discussing between H and I, that we can come to agreement on before we even move out there.

19 comments posted: Thursday, October 20th, 2022

Update your Apple products software

Lots of people haven't heard about this, but if you have any Apple devices, you need to do this to avoid two security vulnerabilities that have been actively exploited. One story I heard is that millions of people have had their devices seriously compromised.

Just your friendly poster trying to inform people with Apple devices.

BID: 219562

CID: 232

BIDs: undefined

CIDs: undefined

ZID: 646249 (async 300x250)

2 comments posted: Friday, August 19th, 2022

Wilting flower bouquet needs help

We frequent the weekly farmer's markets in our area and really enjoy our haul each week. Yesterday we passed by a booth that had $7 fresh cut bouquets that looked lovely... it had a couple of hydrangeas, a bird of paradise, and some greenery. I got one bouquet for me, and another for D2, who we always stop by and see after the farmer's market because it's close to her house. She immediately put her bouquet in some water, but mine sat out in the car for the hour or so that we were visiting with them. As soon as we got home, I cut all the stems at a diagonal, and put them in a vase with water - they were already looking a bit wilty, but I figured once I cut the stems and got them in water, they'd perk up.

As I finished putting the last stem in the vase, I looked down and saw ants all over my kitchen counter - obviously coming from the flowers or greenery. So I took the bouquet outside and put it on the patio dining table, which is not in direct sun, but it was hot yesterday (mid 90s). The flowers never perked up, and continued to wilt, so this morning I brought them inside, making sure all the ants were gone, cut some of the stems again, and waited. Part of one of the hydrangeas is just barely starting to open back up, but everything else looks as it did yesterday.

Could the heat of being in the car have doomed my bouquet? Then I added fire to the fuel by moving the vase outside when I found the ants? When I bought the bouquet, they did not provide any water in the plastic sleeve they put the arrangement in. But they had been in water when we got them.

I got D the exact same bouquet, and hers is fine. I'd like to start buying flowers each week at the farmer's market, but want to make sure I do what I need to to make sure they last. I've had hydrangeas in arrangements coming from a florist that have lasted well over a week. Obviously I did something wrong.

7 comments posted: Monday, August 1st, 2022

4th of July parade mass shooting

I'm just devastated by this last shooting. Without giving too many details that would identify me, we know the area very, very well, and in fact the shooter lived within easy walking distance of where we used to live, but not in the same town. We were just in shock yesterday as the images played on TV and we recognized many of the shops and restaurants we used to frequent. The hospital where they took most of the victims is very familiar to me; I've been to that ER.

I knew it was a matter of time before I started reading updates on my FB page that people knew people who were there (thankfully, no one I knew was there, that I know of at this point). One friend had a member of her temple killed. For the past 15 years, this friend has volunteered with EMT services at this parade, except for twice... and yesterday was the second time, so she wasn't there. She said she is always stationed at exactly the intersection where the shooting happened, but she was traveling this year, so literally dodged a bullet. Another friend had a professional colleague killed. Another friend's neighbor was there, walking with Rep. Brad Schneider's group, but they were all safe. These people's lives will be changed forever... not that other lives from other mass shootings aren't changed, but this time, it hits so close to home.

I was just sick to my stomach yesterday.

19 comments posted: Tuesday, July 5th, 2022

5 years out

Somehow I always feel the need to post when I hit a significant anniversary. It was five years ago today that I kicked H out of our home; the trickle truth began and took three months. Those three months are such a blur now, but I know it was incredibly painful, and I became severely depressed. While I still struggle with some anxiety (I had anxiety issues even before H's infidelity), it is so much better than it was in those early days and weeks.

We are about to become first-time grandparents in the next couple of weeks, so it will start another new chapter in our lives. I look forward to a transition and new identity that doesn't have anything to do with what happened five years ago, something joyful. I'd been soooooo afraid that our daughter would have the baby on today's anniversary date, and it would be tainted, but that's not going to happen as of an hour ago! So we're in the clear for an exciting time.

I've been an outlier in the recovery continuum. We read a lot about how it takes 3-5 years to heal; when years 3 and 4 came along and things still didn't feel settled, I began to worry. But I know I/we're in a much better place than we were a year ago. At year 5, I can meet new people and not feel the urge to blurt out, "I have PTSD, thanks to my H." I think that's a sign of healing. I'm looking forward to more healing in the years to come.

And with that, I've done my due diligence in documenting my experience.

8 comments posted: Friday, June 10th, 2022

Royal Family shenanigans at the Queens' Jubilee.

Whether you're a royal family follower or not, a couple of videos from this weekend are absolutely entertaining... the ones of Prince Louis in particular.

Anyone else see them?

The first one showcasing his personality is the one of the flypast during the Queen's Jubilee celebration. The look on his face, on the balcony, standing next to the queen, with hands over his ears is hilarious. Kate did her part by cracking up at his reaction.

The second one is of him giving smack to his mom, who tries to redirect his antics... him giving her the brush off as they sat in the stands.

I mean, maybe they should have left him at home, but how many times will this wee little tyke get to celebrate a Queen's Jubilee? I'm glad he was included.

21 comments posted: Monday, June 6th, 2022

Texas elementary school shooting

I'm just shaking, in a more visceral way than I did with Sandy Hook.

Maybe it's because my first grandchild is due in a month.

It has to stop. Why won't lawmakers do anything?? (that's a rhetorical question).

14 dead, some children. More hospitalized where the death rate could go up.

It has to stop.

12 comments posted: Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

It finally happened to our dog - encounter with a skunk.

I think it must be Friday, the 13th still somewhere... H went to let our pooch out to potty around 2:15AM, and he got sprayed. I could smell it in the house before H even got in to tell me. I grabbed the hydrogen peroxide, baking soda and Dawn and passed them through the door. H is outside with him now rubbing it in his coat for 20 minutes before the first rinse. He's really not going to like it when the cold water from the hose hits him.😤

I did fill up a bucket of lukewarm water to pass outside, but most of the rinsing will have to come from the hose. Thankfully it's still 70° out at 2:45AM. And of course, H has it on him, too, so he'll have to shower and scrub when he comes in.


8 comments posted: Saturday, May 14th, 2022

Travel triggers have come up

One of my cousins died this afternoon. It was not unexpected, but I'm sad, nonetheless. I was probably closer to her than any of my own brothers (I had no sisters). I'm waiting word on arrangements. I've known this day was coming as she'd been diagnosed with a recurrence of cancer that was now terminal.

She lives in a city where H traveled to with his last affair partner, when he had a work trip toward the end of the affair. It was in that city that his AP got pregnant, and then a few weeks later had an abortion. H and I are doing pretty well in recovery - it's been almost five years since D-Day. But this particular city is a horrible trigger for me. We actually lived in this city for a year, early on in our marriage, when he did a post-doc. When we moved, I was ready to get out (actually the whole state makes me cringe, as a lot of my childhood PTSD took place there). I had a difficult pregnancy there, and the family I did have there (not this cousin), was pretty absent, even when we were in crisis. So the city has bad memories for me, prior to my finding out about the trip with the AP and the pregnancy. I have only been back to this city when my nephew died in 2007.

But I loved this cousin very much, and it will pain me not to go pay my respects at the funeral/memorial. One of her sisters (who I also loved very much) died a year ago, and I couldn't go as I hadn't qualified for the COVID vaccine yet, and I wasn't going to fly four hours to this area. It was very upsetting for me not to be there. So I've unwaveringly decided I'm going to go. I've asked H to go with me, because I can't go alone (anxiety issues are a real problem for me right now). He said I didn't even need to ask, that he'd do whatever I needed him to do. Because I've had time to think about this trip, I've played around with which airport I want to fly into. My cousin's house is closer to DFW, but I know that's the airport H flew into with the AP. We can fly into Love Field, but that will be further away from cousin's house. I think this is the option we need to choose (again, H says he'll do whatever I need to do to help us get through this).

H has asked me how he can support me during this time, meaning when we're there, and honestly, I don't know what to tell him, because I don't know how being there is going to effect me. Do I just grin and bear it while I'm there (there will be a lot of family around so it's possible I could be distracted)? Or ask for something from him in particular.

10 comments posted: Monday, April 11th, 2022

Let's talk grandparenting!

I know many of us here are newly recent grandparents, and some of us are inching closely to that milestone. I'd love to be in communication with others who are in this stage of their lives.

So let's open this up with, how old are your grandchildren if you have any, or when (approximately) are your grandchildren due?

And can I quickly add, damn, pregnancy and childbirth have changed so much since I had mine, but I guess that's a good thing as it improves outcomes.

I'll start... D1 due in ten weeks. Our first!

110 comments posted: Saturday, April 9th, 2022

Do you Wordle?

First and foremost, no spoilers here. Please do not give hints to any answer on the day of that puzzle.

So, who's doing Wordle? I was almost a month late joining the game. I'll have to admit, I was a bit intimidated. But once I started playing and figured out my own strategy, then it became a lot of fun. H, D2 and I share answers via text when we've played, but it's not a competition (vs. D1 and her spouse, who, sheesh, are very competitive). It's just interesting to see how other people start out, then get to the answer. At one point H told me his starting word (I think when he was showing me how he played), so I told him he had to change it up; I think he has. I don't want any advantages - want to know I can get it on my own.

I've had a couple of times where I didn't get it at all, and a few times where I've gotten it in 3. I haven't broken the 2 barrier yet, but I known several people who have gotten it in 2. I alter my starting word, depending on my mood that day.

How do you Wordle?

And yup, I'm aware of all the other games that have arisen since Wordle, including Nerdle, Qurodle, Octordle, etc. You could literally spend all day on these puzzles, so I'm just sticking with Wordle.

52 comments posted: Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022

Anyone been to baseball spring training?

During the pandemic, we became more of baseball fans than we ever had, since it was something to watch on TV. We have about 3-4 teams that we follow closely.

We have a trip scheduled next week to Phoenix to visit some friends and decided we might try to do some spring training games. We truly don't know what to expect. I know there are many venues in the Phoenix area and we'll likely have to go to a few to see the teams we want to see. Any tips for making it more enjoyable? I gather that some stadiums have grassy areas to sit on as opposed to regular seats.

11 comments posted: Friday, March 18th, 2022

What would you do? Therapist conflict

I will try not to bring in that subject which shall not be named on this forum, but here's the dilemma. Mods, feel free to move if necessary.

About a year after full disclosure, we relocated across country to our new home, and got a referral for a new couple's therapist from my new individual therapist. We've been seeing her for over three years now, and she eventually referred me to a new therapist when I got too stressed out over the commute I had to make to see new therapist #1. So I am on IC #2, and H also got a referral for his new IC from this couple's therapist.

Let me be transparent, I still miss our couple's therapist from our previous home. I really, really connected with her. Here's what happened - a couple of weeks ago, couple's therapist mentioned in passing (somehow the topic of Instagram had come up, I think that of one of my Ds, and how IG can play a role in keeping in touch with people we don't see) she has an IG following, then said she has a private account and a public account. I didn't think much of it that week, but for some reason, the following week (after we'd seen her again), I was goofing around and her comment came to me. I 100% thought, hey, she wouldn't have mentioned it to me if it weren't a professional account. I have various friends who have IG accounts that they use for education, so I thought I'd see what couple's therapist was posting.

Things went wrong very quickly. When I googled her name and Instagram, the first account that came up is a personal/private account (account #1) that is actually very, very personal. On that account #1, there's a link to a professional account (account #2), where she shares professional stuff regarding therapy, etc.

As I scrolled through #1, there were dozens of pictures and videos of her pole dancing, in very provocative clothing... two-piece outfits with bottoms that really didn't cover her butt. I am aware that some women are getting into pole dancing as a form of exercise, and I can't judge her for doing that. But on this #1 account, she also had some still photos of her posing very sexually... basically crotch shots, again in very little clothing. And her leaning across the front grille of a car, with her butt to the camera, and her looking over her shoulder. And again, not much covering the butt - probably the equivalent of a thong.

At first, I felt incredibly confused; I mean, why would someone I have a professional relationship with tell me about their IG following? And bait me with, well, one is public and one is private. In truth, they're BOTH public, because anyone can see them. Also, aside from the pictures on her IG, you can look at the pole dancing studio's IG account, and there are many pictures of her on that, too. What it boils down to is, all these videos and pictures are very sexually provocative and it is highly inappropriate for her to have mentioned the accounts to us. These are huge boundary violations to me, especially given that part of H's acting out was looking at pornography (which he no longer does). I mean, she refers to herself as a couple's therapist, and yes, is also a sex therapist. So I just sort of assumed she had a colorful sex life with her partner, but I don't need visual confirmation of that.

I.just.don' Why do people go out of their way, to have other people take provocative and sexual pictures and videos of themselves, and POST THEM PUBLICLY??? And then, if you're a professional therapist, TELL your patients about it???

So the next day I told H about the information I'd found - we talked about it, and are really on the same page, that this is highly unprofessional, and unethical. I wanted to talk about it with my IC, but she was out of the office last week, so I won't see her until Monday. Because I couldn't talk to my IC about it, and how to handle it, we canceled our appt. with our couple's therapist last week, but will see her the day after I see my IC next week. I've made up my mind today it will be a termination appt. H mentioned all this to his IC when he saw her this week, and she knew exactly what he was talking about, and alluded that she'd found out from other therapists she networks with. She found it in very poor judgment and was very vocal with H on what she thought of it... that it's very unprofessional for her to be posting these kinds of pictures/videos for anyone in the public to easily see. So we've got one confirmation from another professional that this is wrong on many different levels.

Once you see these pictures, you can't just unsee them; she made the professional relationship untenable by implicitly directing us to this information about her activities. And what pisses me off even more is, now we have to find someone new to work with, and start over again, which is going to cost us time and money. One friend (who's a therapist) suggested we ask her to partly defray the cost of what it take to get us up to speed with a new therapist. I believe she does owe us something - it was her abysmal lack of judgment that is forcing us into finding someone new.

I'm mostly just venting here; yes, I'm judging someone for something they do outside of their professional life, but then don't make it public when you're a couple's therapist working with infidelity-laden relationships. It really just disgusts me. This is also now calling me to doubt the relationship I have with my IC because I got her name from the couple's therapist. Monday will be a big test for my IC, seeing how she handles this revelation I share with her. Ultimately, it may lead to my having to look for a new therapist, too.

22 comments posted: Friday, March 11th, 2022

Need manicotti advice

Tomorrow we are celebrating a family member's birthday. She has requested my ages-old recipe for stuffed shells. However, H hit up SIX grocery stores today, looking for jumbo pasta shells, and EVERY shelf was empty. And for some reason, at every store, they were on sale. Not sure what is going on, but we have to move to plan B, which is using manicotti shells. I've never cooked, much less stuffed, manicotti shells before. I'm hoping someone can give me some tips.

The stuffing will be a mixture of 1/2 lb. each, cheddar and mozzarella cheeses, and 1 c. sour cream. After they're stuffed, we will spread marinara sauce on top and bake in the oven until cheeses are melted.

I do not own a pastry bag.

Any suggestions on how I can prevent this from becoming a disaster?

5 comments posted: Saturday, March 5th, 2022

yup, site is broken

I can read, but whenever I hit 'post reply to topic', it directly leads to starting a new topic. I have a MacBook Air, and am operating on Safari. Same thing happens when I'm on my iPhone.

I signed out of SI, closed my browser, and reopened everything. Nothing works. This started last night, and hasn't changed this morning.

10 comments posted: Friday, February 25th, 2022

Can we talk about the Ukraine/Russian war without it becoming political?

I'm sort of freaking out tonight. I've been following this story for several weeks now, even before the Olympics. I'm sitting here trying to figure out if I should come up with some sort of plan in case there's some sort of nuclear attack on our country. Tonight, Putin alluded to something 'never seen before in history' toward countries that interfere with his actions. I have been doing a lot of reading about Ukraine, familiarizing myself with its geography/people/history.

I have friends from Russia, who have family still in Russia, and our friends have absolutely horrible things to say about Putin. He's evil personified. I believe he would take the world down if he thought he was going down.

Seriously, if there's a nuclear attack, what can you do? I never thought, in my lifetime, that I'd see the threats of this kind that were this worrisome.

Can someone talk me down?

Does anyone here have any loved ones in Ukraine? It must be terrifying, although they saw it coming... but really, this massive in just a few hours?

31 comments posted: Thursday, February 24th, 2022

Anyone here have any Oofos recovery shoes?

Dang, after a long hike (well, long for us), my feet need to be in something other than my hiking shoes/boots when we get back to the car. My hiking shoes/boots are extremely comfortable, but when we're done and I take them off, I need something cushy to put my feet in.

In the past, I've known people who have worn Oofos, and really liked them (especially post-running). So what makes them so special? How do they compare to Crocs? I have a relatively narrow foot, although I can manage with medium width shoes most of the time. Would my foot wear these well? I'm thinking about ordering some online, but would like to hear from others.

6 comments posted: Sunday, February 13th, 2022

Peach tree nets

D and her husband have a peach tree in their yard that they planted a couple of years ago (yes they bought it despite being told how difficult it is to bring peaches to ripening). My life is all about peaches. I'll eat pretty much anything that has peaches in it. Thankfully we're now in a climate that allows for fresh peaches from about May through October!! They are abundant at our farmer's markets during those months.

Anyway, every year, this peach tree has blossomed beautifully, and small peaches begin to grow. But then the critters get to them... not sure if it's the birds or squirrels (or both). And the poor tree has yet to produce one fully ripened peach.

I am going to change that this year. D mentioned you can buy nets to put over the trees to keep the critters from getting the fruit when it's small. I would have no idea where to look, or how to find, or how to pick such a net.

Can anyone here direct me in the right direction. It's blooming right now, so I think I have a few weeks before it starts to fruit. I'm guessing peach trees aren't the only fruit trees that get pilfered. So how do I know what to get?

8 comments posted: Thursday, February 3rd, 2022

Winter solstice almost here!!

I started a thread about this last year; I really needed a sign that things were going to get better. It was the first year I'd spent Christmas without my oldest child, and it was so depressing. I just wanted to see a light at the end of the tunnel, literally and figuratively. Pandemic-wise, while we're better than we were last year, at least those of us who have chosen vaccines/boosters do still see a light at the end of the tunnel. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that my diligent watching of the calendar hasn't been as intense this year. We get to have our daughter with us, and she's just begun her second trimester of pregnancy, so we have wonderful new things to look for.

But, I DO look forward to seeing those sunsets inch later into the day!! This past week I had a procedure at the dermatologist's office - called Levulan Photodynamic Therapy. It can treat several conditions, but I had it for the sun damage and pre-cancerous spots I have on my face from all those sunburns I had as a child and early adulthood. It's not considered a cosmetic surgery, but can help with tone and texture. Anyway, I had it done on Thursday - after the treatment I had to cover my face and head with a scarf and wide-brimmed hat to come home. Once I was home, I couldn't go outside until yesterday morning, unless it was after dark. So Thursday and Friday, I took short walks after dark, which thankfully, was as early as 5:15. So I can't complain too much about the early sunsets. I have another treatment in a month, then a third one a month after that, so the shorter daylight hours play into my favor for now.

3 comments posted: Sunday, December 19th, 2021

Also have a secret!!

When WTAF posted last month about becoming a grandma, it took everything in me not to chime in. But the secret is basically out now.

I'm joining the club!! First time, too!

21 comments posted: Saturday, December 11th, 2021

psilocybin and/or ketamine treatments for mood disorders

Psilocybin has been making the news around here since CA started allowing its use in clinical experimentation for various mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, PTSD and bipolar disorder. It is still illegal here, but can be used under the care and supervision of researchers. It's a complicated process and no two clinics seem to be offering the same experience. The gist of what I understand, though, is that for people who are willing to pursue this treatment for their mental health issues, there is a professional pre-screening with a psychiatrist, and if approved, the psilocybin is given under the observation of a physician, and then a therapist assists with the processing part, both during the 'trip' and also a debriefing period (can only need one, or up to several to process).

I know of one man at our church who went through this process a couple of years ago, but I haven't seen him in person since our church shut down for COVID. I do plan on reaching out to him about his experience.

Then there's ketamine. About nine years ago, I actually received ketamine while in the hospital for a treatment-resistant severe depression, which was brought on by an extended period of debilitating anxiety. They gave me ketamine twice, just moments before putting me under anesthesia for ECT. I had 12 ECT sessions, but they only gave me ketamine twice. So who knows what eventually worked... was it ketamine or ECT, or both. They told me that there are strong studies that support the use of ketamine along with ECT for optimal results. We have a family friend in a different state who suffers from severe anxiety similar to mine. Last summer she went through ketamine treatment, I think several visits. And it really pulled her out of a serious state so that she could become functional again.

I've talked to my therapist and couple's therapist about both psilocybin and ketamine. While I'm fairly functional, my anxiety still causes some limitations in my life, such as not driving on freeways, and not able to travel alone. The freeway thing has been for about two years now, and the traveling alone started about three years ago (yea, not long after that unnamed trauma in my life). I used to be an incredibly independent person, traveling abroad by myself, traveling across the country by myself, etc. H still works, I don't, and am so disappointed that I have these limitations, so I'm starting to look at alternatives other than prescription drugs. Nine years ago, I also tried TMS, but it didn't help. My psychiatrist says the approach to TMS has changed a lot in nine years, and thinks it's worth considering again.

But the point of this post, is to ask if anyone here knows anyone who has tried psilocybin or ketamine treatments for anxiety or depression, and if so, what was their experience. MDMA and LSD are also being studied, but I'm only interested in the two treatments I've mentioned here.

1 comment posted: Wednesday, December 1st, 2021

Anyone get a Covid-19 booster shot yet?

H got his last Saturday - Moderna. He woke up Saturday in the middle of the night with some serious chills throughout the night. Felt achy and tired on Sunday, enough to take some Advil. Had some minor chills Sunday night during the night again, and slept in on Monday morning. But when he woke up, he felt fine. When he got his second Moderna over six months ago, he had a dull headache for a day or so, and felt tired, but not terribly so.

I'm scheduled to get my Pfizer booster tomorrow evening. The only reaction I had to my first two shots was a sore arm... nothing else.

The first few people I know who got their third shots didn't have any reaction. But I guess now that more and more people are getting #3, I'm hearing about more reactions. It certainly won't keep me from getting it, but I'm just wondering what anyone's reactions here might have been.

60 comments posted: Thursday, November 4th, 2021

In the market for a new locking mailbox

Twice in the last month we've had mail/packages stolen out of our mailbox, which sits at the street curb. So we need to get one that locks. I found someone on Task Rabbit who will do the job for us, but we have to get the mailbox.

I'm online looking at various places like Home Depot, Lowe's, Amazon, and have NO idea what makes a locking mailbox the most secure it can be. Any suggestions?

0 comment posted: Friday, October 22nd, 2021

Names for grandparents

I was talking with a friend last week, and telling her that my daughter and her husband are actively trying to get pregnant. She told me that I should stake out a name now, before the other two grandmothers (SIL's mom and stepmom) claim one so I get what I want.

So there are the obvious ones: grandma and grandpa. But I really don't want to use one of those. What are some names you've either used with your own grandparents, or have your grandchildren use for you?

There are the obvious ones: Mimi, Meemaw, Gigi,; Pops, Pawpaw, Gramps

17 comments posted: Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

Klutz in the kitchen

I've had two encounters with sharp things in my kitchen in the last month. UGH!

About a month ago, I was reaching behind the kitchen sink to open a window, and the side of my wrist said hello to a knife in the dish drying rack. It was a small cut, maybe 1/3". It wasn't too deep. I mentioned it to a couple of people and their reply was, "Don't you know you have to store knives point down?" Yea, no one ever told me that. But now we know. It was sort of awkward, because every time I looked at the cut, it reminded me of what someone's wrist might look like if they had attempted suicide. Thankfully everyone who saw it believed me when I told them what happened.

Then last night... much more serious. We got a new food processor, and I was using it for the first time. Our old food processor only held two cups; this one holds four, so to get stuff out, you really have to stick your hand down in there (I was crumbling gouda cheese; I think it was too soft, and just kept getting stuck in the blade). I was emptying the first batch, stuck my hand in there, some of the cheese was sticking, so I tapped the container on the bowl, and my finger got sliced by the blade. I knew it was bad immediately; so I called H to tell him he needed to come home to take me for stitches. My doc's office was already closed, but I talked to him and he told me where to go. The cut is between the middle knuckle and the knuckle closest to your palm and is vertical. I'd guess it's at least 1". It took seven stitches to close it up. It's completely wrapped up in gauze and adhesive wrap to keep it dry, so typing is hard! Since I couldn't remember when my last tetanus shot was, I had to get one of those, too.

When it happened, it jolted me so much that I panicked; so I took some Xanax, knowing I was about to undergo a medical procedure. After they got done sewing it up, I was still shaken, so I took some more. Let's just say I slept good last night. The anesthetic was still working when I fell asleep, but it was really hurting this morning when I woke up. And I still feel sort of shaken up...I mean, it's only a cut on my finger; not sure what that's about.

So you'd think H would learn from my mistake... after we got home from urgent care, he then had to clean up the kitchen since I had been in the middle of making dinner when it happened. He was washing the food processor, and yep, he cut the end of his finger on the blade. His cut is not as bad as mine, but this morning when he was making his lunch, it started bleeding through his bandage again and he had to change it. He was going to stop at the pharmacy to pick up some liquid bandage.

So yea, we have become klutzes in the kitchen, and it sucks.

4 comments posted: Wednesday, September 29th, 2021

How to keep emergency money from getting damp?

We keep a small amount of cash in a lockbox for emergencies. We get into perhaps 2-3 times a year, when we realize neither one of us has any cash, we don't have time to run to the ATM, and need it now.

However, last summer when we needed some, when we opened the lockbox, the money was damp. So we laid it all out on the kitchen table to dry it out. Then we put in a bag of rice, and some of those silicone gel packs you get in your bottles of prescriptions, hoping between the two, it would absorb any moisture. Yesterday went to get some cash, and it's damp again.

FWIW, we live in a very dry climate. The lockbox is kept in a closet. This has really stumped us. Any suggestions for keeping it dry?

7 comments posted: Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Anyone watching the Little League World Series?

I'm such a dork when it comes to this annual event (well, annual until last year). We have no personal experience with this sport, other than our kids played Little League a couple of years when they were young, then quit.

But many years ago, my ex sister-in-law's sister's husband coached a team out of Texas, so we followed the tournament (I think they went pretty far). I found it fascinating, and almost every year since, we've followed the tournament.

Over ten years ago, H and I were on our way home from dropping our daughter off at college in PA, on the weekend of the title games. So we decided to take a detour off of I-80 and go to the game. I think it was the hottest day ever in South Williamsport... since we were unprepared, we stopped at a large grocery store, bought a blanket to sit on, some hats, and sunscreen. When we got to the complex to park, it was like going through the airport - we went through screening which forced us to pull out our sunscreen, apply it there, and throw it out (because it was more than 2 oz. of liquid). Also, H had a pocket knife on his keychain. Out it went into the trash (we were too far from the car to walk back and stow them there). But the screening was pretty much a replica of what they do at airports.

When we got inside the park, there was no seating left in the stands, so we were relegated to sit 'on the hill' (if you've ever watched, you know the hill behind the outfield is where all the kids use cardboard boxes to slide down). I remember it being difficult to sit on the steepness of the hill - it's truly hard to appreciate it unless you've been there... TV doesn't do it justice. And as I said, it was friggin' hot. Every inning or inning and a half, I'd go to the restroom, and basically splash water all over my head, face, neck, arms and legs. And there was no shade!

We got to see the U.S. championship game, which was phenomenal. It ended with a walk-off home run. When we got back to our car and got in, we realized we smelled worse than either of us probably ever had, and we had a TEN hour car drive back home, stuck inside this car with each other. We didn't get home until the middle of the night, and as tired as we were, the first thing we did was jump in the shower! The year we were there, there was also a measles outbreak, brought over by a player from Japan!

So that's my story, and since then, we've continued to watch it. I have really mixed emotions about it. I think these kids are phenomenal players who are also incredibly smart at their sport. I find it fascinating that they can have 11 and 12 year olds who range from not even 5' tall, to 6' tall, and weight ranges that rival that difference. I LOVED it seven years ago when Mo'Ne Davis pitched a shut out - the first girl to do so. So many highlights to remember. But then I see what looks like an emotional toll from the pressure on these young kids, and it tugs at my heartstrings. For many of these kids, though, regardless of the outcome, it's a memory they will cherish for the rest of their lives. I do appreciate the slaughter/mercy rules so things don't get too out of control. I prefer to watch games that are close, than routs. So far this year, I haven't heard any stories that tell me to root for any particular team, but a team from Los Angeles County is in it, and I guess it's been the first time a team from LA County has been in it since the 1990s. So maybe I will send my energy to them.

6 comments posted: Thursday, August 19th, 2021

leptospirosis vaccine in dogs

When we lived in the Midwest, we regularly gave our dog the leptospirosis vaccine, and I don't remember any problems. When we moved to CA, because it's not much of an issue here, they told us we really didn't need to get it. Then this week a story on the news made me rethink, and I decided to get his first vaccine today (two boosters required). The news said one veterinarian reported that he has seen maybe a dozen cases a year in the last 20 years; but in the last three weeks, he's seen triple that. So it's officially considered an outbreak here.

So, got the vaccine this afternoon around 4; he's miserable right now. We can tell by how he's walking that his left rear leg is struggling, like he's in pain. He can't settle down - panting a lot, too. We had some leftover (prescribed within the last six months) hydrocodone and carprofen (an anti-inflammatory) in the house, so I decided to give him some hydrocodone. I called our vet's office, but they were already closed for the day. I called the 24/7 emergency clinic and they said dogs can get really sore from a vaccine. He always gets all the recommended vaccines, and he's never had a reaction like this. I decided not to give him the carprofen because it's an anti-inflammatory, I didn't want it to interfere with the vaccine mechanism. Also, when I was at the vet's, I asked them if there was anything I needed to watch out for after the vaccine, and they said sometimes they can get a 'mass' where the vaccine was injected, but when they gave it to him, they rubbed it in really good so it would more easily disburse. But could it cause this much pain?

I just feel so bad for him... not sure what to do. When I tried to touch his rear hip, he turned around really, really fast... so we know it's the hip that's bothering him. You can see it in how he's walking (if you can call it walking). He hasn't been rough-housing today or anything that would cause hip pain.

11 comments posted: Monday, August 16th, 2021

Guests with so many food restrictions!

Let me start by saying, I am what many people would call a picky eater. I get that it's usually my restrictions that limit us in choosing restaurants, etc. The only meat I eat is (most) beef, (most) poultry, and pork. I occasionally will eat fish if I've fixed it the only way I'll eat it. I do eat king crab and shrimp. I do OK with most vegetables, but am not a fan of onions, brussel sprouts, cooked spinach, kale, beets, and probably a few others.

So I was embarrassed when our next-door neighbors invited us over for dinner tomorrow. She proposed lamb chops (nope, I don't do lamb), then salmon. I almost decided to suck it up and just eat the damn salmon, but as I thought about it, I just didn't think I could pull it off, so I was upfront and told her that I didn't eat lamb or fish, which is why we tend to do the inviting of people over, so I can control the food options. This is the first time these neighbors have asked us over - we've had them over before at our house. Anyway, I told her how embarrassed I was about my food likes/dislikes, and she seemed very open to chicken, which will be fine.

So I'm sensitive to those who have dietary restrictions for one reason or another.

However, I don't know what I'm going to do the next time we have both daughters and their husbands for meals. One SIL can't do dairy; oldest D was diagnosed with celiac a year ago, and last weekend, youngest D told us she's basically off of meat, unless she knows the source is known for treating its animals humanely... so no typical grocery store pickings (maybe something from Whole Foods would work). AND... they've had chickens for just over a year now, so they don't do chickens anymore, at all, no matter the source!

Each one of these restrictions, on its own, would be easy to work around. But when you combine them all, it leaves me with very little to work with. For instance, tonight we invited younger D over for dinner (her H was working) and we were having fajitas. But I made a wonderful batch of black beans in my Instant Pot, so she put those on her fajita, while we had meat on ours, and beans on the side. Easy, peasy; but if older D were here, we couldn't do that as she can't have flour tortillas.

We won't all be together again until Christmas, so I have time. I'm not sure if younger D will even eat turkey. Guess I'll have to ask. Older D says Trader Joes makes a wonderful gluten-free stuffing. It's so sad because, we have a Big Green Egg (ceramic smoker), which is great for smoking meats - we usually smoke our turkey and it is outstanding. We also have done other meats on the Egg, but now we have to be careful about where we buy them, if we're going to have younger D over.

So I'm complaining about my immediate family's food options, while at the same time, I just told my next-door neighbor that the first two things they offered to serve us, I don't eat.

I need some guidance on how others have handled multiple, different food limitations of their guests. FWIW... H eats anything and everything.

12 comments posted: Sunday, August 8th, 2021

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body...

Was wondering if anyone has read this book by Bessel A. van der Kolk? Thoughts? WH is reading it right now, but he's reading it from a different perspective than I am (BW). I have very early childhood (infant, toddler) medical trauma, as well as affair trauma. His trauma is parents who were alcoholics.

9 comments posted: Monday, February 24th, 2020

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