Newest Member: Notarunnerup

thebighurt

Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

I'm doing it!

I finally have a plan to get rid of the furniture xpos demanded we buy way back when. We HAD to please him. I have always hated it because it is ugly and uncomfortable. But it was there and I have been spending on things much more desperately needed, like fixing a cellar wall and several other expensive things to keep the M house standing after xpos ignored them.

I have jealously read posts by others on here who made their home environs "their own", knowing it made them feel better, while I looked around and hated what I saw and had to use.

Still can't do it all, but the biggest and most hated items will disappear.... well, in a couple of months that is... given the current backlog of it on order. And, most importantly, it will improve my state of mind! And comfort.

And I did something xpos refused to ever do; I went in with an open mind, only looking for comfort and fit, and let the sales people who are designers help me pick the exact pieces and some accessories. It felt so good and I feel so positive about how it will look! I'm sure these two months will fly by!

8 comments posted: Monday, July 26th, 2021

Am I a bad person? Anyone else do this? Long

xpos pulled every dirty trick he could think of during the D. He was angry that I wanted the house (on the sound advice of my financial adviser), because he wanted his half of the sale in hand to spend on the slut and their wedding. He was even angrier when he saw that I ended up with some of his money even after giving him half of the house's value. So angry that he kept taking me to court for money (didn't get any).

He is very controlling and even tried to control the judge's orders; was in contempt of court for 6 months on one order, then told the judge the date he would come to the house to collect his belongings - a different date and time from the judge's order.

When he got his things (on the day and time the judge ordered), he refused to do anything about a bunch of big things that were less than perfect or downright broken. Told me "You wanted the house, deal with it".

D was years ago. I am finally getting through old papers and finding ones that I would prefer to shred - a pile of them things of his. Some may have importance to him, but I am still inclined to shred. I do not want to see him nor have anyone else go between, nor spend to have them sent.

He had told several people (that I know of) that he had almost left two years earlier. I learned he had a girlfriend then, too. Soooo, my thought is that anything he left goes with what he said I need to "deal with" since he had known he planned to leave for those two years, so had lots of time to gather anything he valued.

I have sold most of the things he left. I still have several boxes of a collection he had yet to sell. Only other things are those papers.

Would shredding them (in view of his actions and words) make me as bad as him? What would -- or did -- you do?

21 comments posted: Wednesday, May 5th, 2021

Another sad Covid effect

I didn't want to t/j on Jeaniegirl's topic because this isn't about long-haulers, but I believe Covid is definitely the cause of it. It is the story of something else this is taking away from us, sadly.

I was glad to see a friend and asked how she had been during this. She said she had not been anywhere much unless absolutely necessary because she was spending most of her time taking care of her parents at their house. The fact that it was parentS (plural and both up in their 90s) she had said made me worried and curious as to why.

Her Dad had been in dementia for some years. The last time I had seen him out was a couple of years ago before he physically began to fail also. I last saw her Mom late 2019. She was a very social, gregarious lifetime educator with a great mind and memory. Got out often and got together often with a group of friends who were also older as well as with family members. With winter coming on, she had given up driving the last time I saw her. So why was she "taking care" of both of them?

Sadly, being unable to get out and socialize has taken its toll on her. She is also showing signs of dementia and starting to give up. At around the holidays, my friend became aware that she had changed in attitude and the way she spoke about things. And since then, she has been failing physically. They now have round-the-clock care, with family doing all they can and hiring help to fill in the rest. She said her parents' home has become a private nursing home, in effect.

Further, her Mom has begun to tell people to stop being so careful around their house, something everyone had so scrupulously adhered to. She says that it wouldn't be so bad if she caught the virus because she is so old and wouldn't last long. It would be a blessing for everyone and not a bad way to go (I totally disagreed when she said that!) as it would be quick.

I'm so sad because this is someone I would have bet you in 2019 who would be reminding us all of everything at 100+. But I also realize that this is happening everywhere - nursing homes and every home where people do not have the human contact and socialization they need. And so many don't have either the technology, or the knowledge to use it if they had it, in order to keep in touch as we do here or see faces like on Zoom. I'm afraid many more than my friend's Mom will be ready to give up if they haven't already. It's not just the school students who are missing out.

2 comments posted: Saturday, March 27th, 2021

Way to help someone going through Breast Cancer treatment - from

A beloved family member just started radiation treatments following successful surgery to remove a "very aggressive" tumor. Those treatments will be followed by chemo because of it. ETA: She is in another state.

She has other health issues of concern to monitor and the family has some immediate problems at home that need attention and work no one has time or energy to tackle.

Normally I or maybe another family member would hurry there to do what we can, but that area is having a large number of COVID cases daily and I was told under no circumstances was I to come there. Not to mention the need to quarantine once there as it is worse here too. It's a huge worry as there may not be help in the area even to transport, help at home or food shop.

What can I/we do from here that can help? What kinds of things can I send to ease the symptoms they said WILL BE ahead from what they need to do? Or what helped you or someone close to you who has been through this?

[This message edited by thebighurt at 6:38 PM, January 4th (Monday)]

10 comments posted: Monday, January 4th, 2021

If I live to be 200,

NEVER change my address (and the PO doesn't change my address ), send every communication via the USPS and send LOTS of it, I will NEVER use all the return address labels I have received just this year, let alone the ones I have already tossed over the many years at this address!

Why does EVERY organization think we need some with their particular design? And at one time I was happy to receive a note pad as their thank-you instead, but now most important notes are in my phone and there is a pile of those thank-yous. Especially nice are all the ones with my name on them so I can't even pass them off to someone else to use.

Not that I'm ungrateful; and it keeps the Postal Service busy delivering those to everyone, and I know they do want to acknowledge me, but it would be nice to get a new kind of thanks or maybe I don't really need it? Those things cost the organization to produce and send, so just save those funds for their purposes?

Anyone else?

11 comments posted: Monday, November 23rd, 2020

Why did the chickens cross the road?

I live in a rural area with a number of small farms and homes with good sized lots. There are few ordinances I know of restricting what animals one can keep on any properties, farm or not. No farms close to me but my two nearest neighbors on the other side of the road have chickens that are usually free range on their properties and sometimes cross the road to mine.

One has the usual barnyard varieties of them, but the one closer has an interesting mix. One in particular is white with what looks like long hair rather than feathers and another with several pretty colors and white on the head that is flowing.

Kinda interesting to watch, but I'm not really into them. And maybe they are eating bugs, ticks or whatever that would help? Every time I see that flock, I am reminded of a dear friend who is gone now who loved chickens and had some like that in her yard for as long as she was able. I recall watching them with her when she let them out like that in her back yard. She would talk to them the way one does to pets.

Maybe it's this virus and not seeing all that many people these days, but I enjoyed seeing them a bit more lately and having that reminder. So maybe the answer to my question is that they cross the road for a nice reminder of a beloved friend.

13 comments posted: Sunday, October 25th, 2020

Sad news day

It has been a dark, gloomy, rainy day here. Perfect day to set the tone for some calls.

I heard from my Sister-I-L who told me a member of her family passed from COVID. They were told after a bit that he was better, then not doing as well, then that he wouldn't make it.

This was a wonderful person, veteran, always there to lend a hand without having to ask. He and his W had retired early a couple of years ago, financially well enough off to plan some fun things; bought a camper, the motorcycle he always wanted, extended family near-by, including grandkids they adore - and who adore them. Now she is left to face life and a future without him and still fairly young.

He had several co-morbidities, but was not around anyone they knew could expose him. Always conscious of being careful; safe.... SIL says she is worried about the rest of the family now and can't help but think who might have also been exposed.

Just before that call, a neighbor called to visit. Says it feels so strange that we live so close and only visit by phone. During that call, she said her granddaughter is one week into isolation for testing positive for COVID at her college. A college that has had so many cases that all classes are now online only and sports, events and any other gatherings are forbidden. Luckily, I guess, the granddaughter has only mild symptoms so far.

I guess the weather matches the news. I just keep thinking of SIL's family and feeling so sad.

33 comments posted: Tuesday, September 29th, 2020

Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard

Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself by Shahida Arabi. Has anyone read this?

I happened upon this on the Kindle app, I don't really know how except maybe a "suggestion" from an old search? But I read the "sample" part and HOLY COW!! She was in this kind of relationship and has done a lot in relation to NPD: blogs, run online groups like SI, IRL groups, and has degrees in psychology and REALLY gets it.

I only read the intro pages I could in the sample, but intend to get it. The descriptions of instances of abuse at their hands brought back things I hadn't thought of since they happened. She described the differences - and similarities - between NPD, Sociopathy and Psychopathy in that brief view of the book (empathy, mostly).

The real skinny on how to become the nightmare is within the chapters I couldn't get to, but I can't wait to find out what she says about it.

I was abused in every way but physically (except once early on) as described in it, by xpos for several decades and want to be sure I can recognize the traits and actions if I run into another. Doesn't matter if it is in a possible future relationship or just people I meet or already know. I do already recognize it in one relative from what I experienced in xpos. Definitely good information to have whenever. Knowledge is power, and potentially freedom from abuse.

Just wondering if anyone who notices this has read it and has anything to offer from the rest of the book. And thought it might be of interest to others who know narcs or wonder about them.

2 comments posted: Wednesday, March 7th, 2018

Kinda Gross! But funny... (SI will 'get it')

I posted in another forum about hoeing out the M home lately. There is a mountain of paper to get through.

I pulled a small box of cards I had received off another box that had papers I needed to sort and took the bigger box to the living room and got started. Later that day I noticed that the coffee table where I placed the box, the chairs where I sorted papers and where I shredded the personal ones, the path to the recycle bin and the pathways in between as well as the area rug were.... sparkly!

In the evening when getting ready for bed, I noticed my clothes, even on the inside were..... sparkly! The next day I lifted the lid on the toilet and the saw something in the water that was,..... sparkly!

OK, SI, I bet you have already figured out that the small box of cards on top contained Christmas cards from the SI exchange. Made me smile at the memory. Thank you all for that.

28 comments posted: Sunday, September 24th, 2017

Unicorn Farts for sale! Just in time for a special someone!

Saw this "best seller" on the internet. Anyone get it or see them in stores? Description says it is a bag of cotton candy, or as it is known in OZ, "Fairy Floss".

4 comments posted: Thursday, December 8th, 2016

Watched Olive Kitteridge and it made me think of Sazzy...

...when I watched the credits. There was an actor named Ken Cheeseman (Had to run it back to check). Made me think of his 'brother'! Sorry Sazzy. The Devil made me do it!!

2 comments posted: Saturday, January 9th, 2016

April Fools!

I thought we had a sudden influx of members I had never heard of!! Good one!

( can't wait to see who I am!!!)

40 comments posted: Wednesday, April 1st, 2015

Mod Please

I have a question for you, but have not had success at posting pictures of delicious food and drink to entice you, so I guess I have to rely on your good graces to respond......

1 comment posted: Saturday, March 14th, 2015

Stacked threads right here in F&G

I'm an idiot

The debate is over.....

(Sorry Dr. PJ)

1 comment posted: Thursday, October 23rd, 2014

Anyone in the Boston area? Maybe a quick, last-minute G2G?

I just found out that I will be in the Boston area next weekend (24-26) and hope maybe a Boston area SIer or two might be available to meet? Please PM if you are interested and maybe we can make the timing work?

6 comments posted: Friday, October 17th, 2014

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