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Just Found Out :
I give up I am not strong enough to endure

Topic is Sleeping.

 Devastated16 (original poster member #82864) posted at 4:25 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Hit another new low this long weekend.....spent it crying and alone. The reality of all the things I have to do alone and on my own is sinking in.

I cannot find anything in the garage that I need. He had organized it. It was his "man cave" area. Every time I turn around, I run into an obstacle or a beacon of how much he took care of. I literally just spent the weekend crying. My eyes were so swollen by Monday night I could barely open them.

The mind movies were endless this weekend.....played over and over in my head....could see him riding with his friends and stopping at Timmies and the places we used to visit, he was laughing and having fun. Played over and over scenes of him and his AP. Relived every word I read from the sexting between them. Every time I closed my eyes I saw her face laughing at me for taking my WS. Every time I hear the sound of a motorcycle I begin to tremble. Is it him? Is it our friends? The sound is just a reminder that he is free of responsibility, free of stress, free and enjoying every moment he has.

I called the crisis line...all I did was cry.....couldn't speak because I couldn't stop crying. Cried so hard and so much I gave myself a migraine. With my brain tumor ,the migraines get really bad. My head was throbbing so much I thought it would explode. I have been warned by my neurosurgeon that I could have an aneurism from the stress and pressure build up. I won't lie. I was hoping I would just to be done with it all.

I reached out to my WS to ask a question about where I could find the damn keys to the boat.....he replied he is out for a ride with friends enjoying the beautiful weather and has a full weekend planned and that off hand he cannot remember where they are but he will think about it when he isn't busy and let me know if and when he has a free moment. more tears......I don't even know how I had any tears to left to cry.

Monday morning I get up and my right eye is red. Really red. I cried so hard all weekend that I broke blood vessels in the eye. The eye with the tumor behind it. What else could go wrong? Well...

I received a reminder about my upcoming stay I had booked long before DD. A beautiful email asking if there was special occasion for the lucky couple and if there was anything they could do to make our stay more enjoyable. Kill me......just end it.......I physically and emotionally cannot take any more.

There is no light. There is no end. There is no hope. There is only darkness, pain, a mountain of tears and endless hurt.

I want to believe all the kind words, all the encouraging words, all the support I have been given here, but I cannot convince myself there is an end to this devastation. I exist.....and barely. If all there is to life is to just isn't worth it.

[This message edited by Devastated16 at 4:38 PM, Wednesday, May 24th]

posts: 51   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Canada
id 8792336

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:30 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

My dear lady. I am very concerned about you. Please call 988 immediately and talk to someone. You don’t see the light but it IS there.
You will and can get to it.

I hear you. I understand your pain. And I know you can do this. Yes it sucks and is unfair. But you can do it.
Cry all you need to. But please keep putting one foot in front of the other. And get help.
Talk to your Dr— you sound like you are clinically depressed and some meds really may help.

Again, please call 988. Right now.

We are all here rooting for you.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6016   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8792339

brainybird66 ( new member #83082) posted at 4:43 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Please, PLEASE do not give up! Know we here are rooting for you. Remember, even if you can’t see it now, the world NEEDS you!
Call 988, do NOT harm yourself.
If I were with you right now, I would be giving you the biggest hug.❤️

I'm well on my way to true healing

posts: 21   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2023   ·   location: Somewhere
id 8792342

Devon99uk ( member #82658) posted at 4:56 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

We are truly all here for you, we are thinking of you wishing we could help you, you aren't alone ❤️❤️ Please keep on pushing through as there are so many beautiful things in this world, keep thinking of them, there are so many wonderful things destined for your future if you can keep your head above water for now, each day/week/month will get easier because it cannot get any worse, keep telling yourself this. We truly understand how you feel, you are strong & brave, you really are. Keep writing to us here as we are all thinking of you 💖💖💖

posts: 72   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2023   ·   location: South of England, UK
id 8792345

Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 5:04 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Mam, you are in pain. You are in trauma. You are not thinking rationally now. No one who is in pain and trauma thinks rationally. So, don't believe everything that comes in your mind right now. You are overwhelmed with negative emotions which doesn't allow you to see the light. That's how mind clouded with pain and negative emotions works. This state of mind is as unsafe your crappy husband. You need to consult professionals asap and take necessary measures to get out of this toxic mindset.

Focus on calming yourself. Focus on strengthening your mind. You can learn all the things your husband used to do. For that you need safer and calmer mind. Take this as a challenge to reduce your dependency on him. Make it your mission. I know it's easy saying than doing. But, it can be done. It has been done.

You have integrity. You have dignity. You have ethics. You are reliable. You are already far better than your husband and many other people in many ways. This is just lowest point of your life. You can rise. You just need to believe in yourself. And take the necessary steps. Many have done it. You can too. Just don't give up. Cry as much as want. Rant as much as you want. Curse as much as you want. But, don't give up.

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8792346

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 5:52 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

I am so sorry I can feel your pain through your word. I just want you to know that you are heard and there is so much of life out there for you. If there is any way you can distract yourself when your emotions start flooding, take a walk or a run. I remember times just walking alone in the woods and just let out a primal yell. What has been done to you is unfair, there is no justice, I would tell myself, I refuse to suffer her consequences. I would fight through the paralysis and make myself get moving.

I am so sorry (((Hug)))

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3457   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8792351

Devon99uk ( member #82658) posted at 7:38 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Been thinking of you Devastated, I really hope you're okay xx Sending support your way 🙌❤️

posts: 72   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2023   ·   location: South of England, UK
id 8792374

emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 8:21 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

You are stronger than you think. I know it doesn't feel like that right now, but it's true.

There IS an end. It WILL get better. You WILL get through this. It IS worth it.

I'm proud of you for calling the crisis line. I hope you will do it again. Do you have a friend, family member, or family doctor you can reach out to? Sometimes we need a little a little help. This is absolutely one of those times.

Can you do me a favour? Post an update tomorrow morning to let me know you're okay. I'll be waiting to see it.

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2134   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8792381

Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 8:31 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Dear friend, you ARE strong enough. You ARE good enough. YOU are worthy! You are in deep crisis and you must reach out - call the crisis line again. Please. No worthless man - no shitty, lying, cheating ass husband is WORTH the end of your life. All BS’s have been where you’re at - deep in the grips of this pain. These are dark, bleak days - yes they are. Everywhere you look, you are reminded of him. Everything you touch is something he touched. Every memory you have, he’s in them. We get it because many of us have been exactly where you are. The differences in our stories are the unique circumstances that brought us to the dark places, but that pain and that misery is one in the same. We hear you! It always has to be one foot in front of the other! Don’t even look at it like that - if you have to, take it hour by hour. But do this every day and don’t give up!! He doesn’t deserve your pain, he is not worth it - he has proven to you that he doesn’t care about you - so now you have to love yourself. You have to heal, find a way. Don’t give this cheating liar disgraceful husband the satisfaction of knowing how deep you are hurt. He doesn’t deserve to know one thing about you. And as for the AP - oh my gosh let her have his cheating ass. And all those "friends" - those fickle, fair weather friends? You don’t want friends like that. That whole lot can have each other! You hold your head up high, you can do this!! You can get through this. I think though dear friend, you may need to seek medical advice for depression. There is absolutely no shame in asking for help. You are despondent, you are feeling very alone, you are feeling deep hurt, deep excruciating pain - it’s almost impossible to navigate out of this hole you’re in without professional help and/or medication. I’m not a medical professional, but this sure does sound like you might need a professional medical opinion. Please get help. Please keep checking in on here. Vent, rant, rage, cuss, just let it out. We HEAR you!! This is a safe place - the people here, we genuinely care about you!!❤️❤️❤️

Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996
DDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month
DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk)
Reconciling and doing well.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8792382

Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 11:14 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Devastated, I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. It’s just so damn, damn hard those early months. I wish I could take the pain away for you. I wish I could sit with you and give you a hug.

Please see a doctor- it’s hard to ask for help I know, believe me I really do know how hard it is. But you need and deserve some support right now. Short term meds really will help. It set me on the course towards healing, they helped me sleep and eat. Your body and mind needs the care of a doctor. Please do this for yourself.

My ex also rubbed his ‘new life’ in my face when I was suffering. I would text him and he would tell me all about his ‘happy’ life. It felt like torture. I now know that it was emotional abuse.

You are worth so much more than this. You are a good, kind and beautiful person. You care for your fur babies and you support others on this site despite your own pain. You are wonderful.

I cried until my contact lenses fell out, I cried everywhere. Right now everything reminds you of him (I remember that too). But that does pass. I promise you this will pass. This WILL get better.

Please send a message tomorrow if you can to let us all know how you are.

Sending you strength, compassion and a huge hug.

posts: 266   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8792398

Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 12:03 AM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Listen, your ass of an ex is NOT worth your life. Not. Worth. It.

In my completely biased and blunt opinion, he sounds sadistic. He gets off on your pain; he laughed at you behind your back. All you asked was if he remember where the boat keys were. Launching into whatever he had planned for the weekend, what he was currently doing, and whatnot was completely unnecessary.

Don’t let him win. Don’t give him another reason to smile. He’s not worth it. And those so-called ‘friends’ aren’t either. They’ll just flock to the nearest source of "happiness" then dip once that happiness disappears. You don’t need superficial friends like that.

Please keep posting. Please keep reaching out to the emergency hotlines. It’s dark now, but there is light. Just keep reaching for it.

Sending you internet hugs.

posts: 556   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8792406

yellowledbetter ( member #70518) posted at 9:38 AM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Please don’t give up. It will get better. I promise you ❤️

Me: BW 52, WH 55, LTA, AP 20 yrs younger. Married 33 yrs, together for 36 3 adult childrenDDay Dec19/2018 Attempting Reconciliation….still.

~where there is deep grief, there was great love.

posts: 143   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8792438

Ozzy1788 ( member #83108) posted at 10:46 AM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

As others have said, please seek help. Try and do the things that make you happy. Drop everything and go to your favourite places if that helps. There is always something to live for.

posts: 173   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8792439

annb ( member #22386) posted at 11:04 AM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

I am so so sorry, all of us have been atop this mountain of pain, but trust all of us will get better. I remember right after D-Day (thank God I had kids) because I didn't want to get out of bed. As soon as I opened my eyes, the thoughts consumed me. I cried every morning in the shower.

Please seek help from a MD. Temporary medications will help you get through the dark times. Lean on family and friends, get out of your house, go for a walk, stop at a coffee shop, window shop, volunteer, take a class, whatever it takes to move you forward one baby step at a time.

Your happiness should never be dependent on one individual. There's so much more to life than one person.

You are stronger than you think. Six months from now you will have a different perspective. A year from now totally different as well.

Hang in there, you can do this, all of us here are rooting for you.

Sending a huge virtual hug...

posts: 12155   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8792440

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 11:50 AM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

I wish I could wave my magic wand and relieve you of your pain.

Stop allowing the lying cheating Ex to have any part of your life. Work on removing him
from your thoughts and concerns and ALL interaction.

He’s in the past.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13946   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8792446

Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 2:59 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

How are you doing?? You are in our thoughts and prayers. Please, give us an update. We are all waiting.

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8792459

 Devastated16 (original poster member #82864) posted at 3:17 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

I was asked to provide an update......I am alive......Am I okay????...not even close. Thank you everyone for reaching out. I know all of you have gone through this too. I know I do not have it any worse than anyone on here. I know people come out the other side. My mind knows all this. Regardless of "knowing" all this, I cannot convince myself it is true, it offers no comfort. I find no hope in it. At the moment, the overwhelming pain outweighs everything. I am so tired of hurting. I am so tired of crying. I am so tired of feeling desperately alone. I cannot stop these "mind movies". I cannot seem to divert my thoughts. If I am not thinking about the things I read and saw that the two of them shared, I am replaying my conversation with the AP, or I am remembering the hurtful things the ex has said after the fact or I am reliving all our good times together that are gone forever. I am slowly and painfully being destroyed by the knowledge that he is having fun and all our friends are enjoying social activities with him. He is happy and I cannot leave my house except to work. I have no one to talk to except the crisis line and to keep posting here. Sadly I have no family. My one gf left, is busy with her own life and almost seems annoyed by my struggles. I exist from one day to the next and I am very well aware of the time lost every day that I wish the day away. I cannot sleep, yet I hate the fact that another day starts. I wish I could sleep and stay asleep forever. Every time I wake from the few minutes that I get, their is a sad disappointment that I have to face another day. I hate myself for being such a pathetic mess. I hate myself because not only did he destroy me and my life, he continues to every day I cry over this loss.

I cry at work when everyone starts talking about their "weekend" plans and all the fun things they are doing. I dread going into work on Monday as I have to listen to hours of conversation about what everyone did with their partners and family. I dread the "how was your weekend " question. My weekend...lonely, painful, full of despair and completely miserable. No one really cares though so I say nothing.

I gave away my sleeping pills to my neighbor. I call the crisis line when the thoughts get super dark. I have four dogs who depend on me and they are the reason right now I get up. I spend time thinking about ending things as the thought of no more pain is the only pleasant thought I can imagine right now but I could not abandon the dogs. They have had enough change. They don't deserve what happened anymore than I do. How disturbing is it to wish he would "disappear" so that smug attitude would be gone once and for all???? Then there are so many times I pray he will tell me he wants to come back to me. How desperate am I? Who have I become? I am a desperate, shell of a person.

I thought I was moving to the angry stage but sadly with the nice weather and me knowing that he is about about enjoying things we used to and so much more, I am back to despair. The plans we had for the summer...shattered. The projects we were supposed to do......just wishful thinking. The mornings we spent laughing and cuddling on the patio swing with our morning drinks...gone. The beautiful fountain he bought for my birthday last summer......just sits. I have no idea how the pump works or even where it is. My home and yet I feel like a stranger in it not knowing where he stored things.

If my emotions could catch up with the logical side of my brain, I think I would feel less destroyed. Every thing has changed. Every thing is different. Everywhere I turn I am reminded how entwined every aspect of my life was with his. With every breath I take I am reminded things will never be the same ever again.

posts: 51   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Canada
id 8792463

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:03 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Glad you posted again this morning, Dev. You can’t see it now but over time you will see the incremental improvements that are happening every day. Those little slivers of improvement add up, slowly but surely.

Your dogs are reason enough. You are reason enough. You are reason enough. For now, just keep going for your pups. And DO NOT beat yourself up for struggling. This really is a trauma. TRAUMA. Most of us had preconceived notions about infidelity since we had never experienced it, and the reality is it so much harder than we imagined.

Have you tried online IC? I used BetterHelp and found it really good. It was one more area of support and not too expensive. Does your employer offer an EAP that gives you a few IC appointments?

And regarding weekends — yeah, they were hard for a long while. Fill them up as best you can - super long dog walks, drive to a dog park an hour away, volunteer for anything and everything and say yes to every invitation, even if you don’t really feel like it. And indulge in self-care— long baths, painting your toe nails, face mask and deep conditioner. I had a hard time concentrating so reading got difficult, but trying new hobbies helped a bit too. Those adult color books can give your brain a break for a little while.

The reality is he is not having as much as you think. Your mind is playing games. Sure he might look like he is. Just like everyone on Facebook looks like they are living the perfect life. No one is. And more are suffering and putting on a facade than you can imagine, your STBX included. He has shown he is not a person of integrity, and that means there is a big gaping void in him that no amount of "fun" can fill.

And don’t compare your pain to anyone else’s. there’s no scale and it’s not a competition. We all have pain. Yours is yours, and it doesn’t matter if someone else "had it worse". It hurts, it sucks, and you are in pain. That is all.

Keep posting. Keep getting up and taking care of your doggos. I really used to have a spreadsheet marked with 15 minute increments I would cross off to get through the day— whatever it takes.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6016   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8792478

SackOfSorry ( member #83195) posted at 6:58 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

I hope this doesn't sound stupid, but is your brain tumour affecting the way you think/process? Is it possible that it's physically keeping you in the mindset? I hope you understand what I mean.

Me - BW
DDay - May 4, 2013

And nothing's quite as sure as change. (The Mamas and the Papas)

posts: 113   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2023
id 8792499

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 7:42 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

And don’t compare your pain to anyone else’s. there’s no scale and it’s not a competition. We all have pain. Yours is yours, and it doesn’t matter if someone else "had it worse". It hurts, it sucks, and you are in pain. That is all.

At 4 months, I didn't know if I would make it, either. The pain from the trauma is so incredible.

One thing that meditation helped me with was the thought spirals, or when I'd start to have mind movies. I had to force myself to stop thinking about XWH and AP. I wore a rubber band on my wrist and would snap myself to make a conscious effort to start thinking about something else. Another poster's advice is to make a salad and think through step-by-step what you need to do. Eventually, I replaced the rubber band with a bracelet with an affirmation. I found one that said I am enough. I would look down at my bracelet and repeat the phrase several times.

Now, this may sound a little silly, but do you have a tablet, phone or computer where you can play games? If you can play a game like Candy Crush or find the hidden object game (I play Seekers Notes), it helps put your brain waves back into a normal state according to some neurological studies.

There may be some other brain healing or body grounding exercises that may help you in the Healing Library.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3470   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8792504
Topic is Sleeping.
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