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Newest Member: Taikor

Just Found Out :
I give up I am not strong enough to endure

Topic is Sleeping.
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 9:11 PM on Thursday, June 22nd, 2023

Okay your WS is a special kind of loser. That was just mean of him. Who sent the picture? Tell them you do not want to hear or see or know anything about your WS. It does not serve any good at all other than to bring up hurt.

It took about 5-6 months for my angry stage to kick in. And then I was out of control (I do not recommend going bonkers like I did).
NC is the hardest thing but the best - and that includes pics from "friends". only communicate with him when you have to — legal stuff or about the kids or finances. No chit chat, no asking him anything else. It is SOOOO hard, but you will start to see that whenever you engage with him, you get hurt. And then there is a hangover feeling that lingers. NC = no new hurts. So you have to stop engaging. So much of our responses are habit— we just always were thoughtful and responsive and all that. You need to re-wire that response habit. I started small- taking 10 minutes before responding to a text, then 30, then an hour. If it isn’t urgent, then you do not need to respond right away- or at all.

I’m sorry he’s such a sorry excuse for a spouse that he is on to #3, and that someone felt the need to share that with you. But I hope it does extinguish a bit of the hopium we all cling to initially.

One day at a time. You can do this. You CAN do this.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5919   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8796472
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:41 PM on Thursday, June 22nd, 2023

Wow. What a D bag!

I hope you can see clearer what a special king of POS he is...just by doing what he did to you, hurting you yet again!

Please don't allow one man's actions dictate the rest of your life.

This is exactly why we say NC means NC....no new hurts.

Don't respond to him. Block him. He's playing a sick game with you, don't let him win!

You can do this! We've all done it and amazingly came out the other side, a bit scarred but we made it. You will, too!

Please find something to keep you busy on the weekends, anything to get you out of the house and give your mind a respite from the trauma.

One baby step at a time, then two, then three, and before you know it you will feel more confident and the anger will set in and you'll ask yourself WHY you spent all that time being miserable while he's out living his new life.

If anything, show him your courage and how you can make it WITHOUT HIM!

posts: 12126   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8796480
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Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 10:18 PM on Thursday, June 22nd, 2023

This man is showing you EXACTLY WHO HE IS.

BELIEVE HIM!!

My FIL divorced my MIL years before I met my husband (those were his parents). My FIL was so angry, so very bitter at how the marriage ended - she cheated, and then married the AP. They were married for about 25 years when they divorced. So his whole life revolved around her and when she had an A and then left him for the AP and THEN married the AP - he was crushed. When I came into the picture they had been divorced about 2 years and so feelings were still pretty fresh for him - still bitter, still angry, still lonely, still suffering. He went through loneliness, despair, depression, intense suffering. He was an older, established gentleman, with an above average income - so the gold-diggers started to come out of the woodwork. My husband at the time was in the military stationed pretty far from home - so we couldn’t be around to keep an eye on things or to really check up on his dad. And so in his desperation he let these women into his life - and all they were, were money sucking leeches. He was basically a sugar daddy paying bills, buying clothes, jewelry - and he was being treated AWFUL by these women. And we’d tell him and point it out to him that he was being taken advantage of, but he’d say I’m lonely, l’m depressed. I like the company and yes I know I’m being taken advantage of - but something is better than nothing!! When he said that, that hit hard - he was so hurting - STILL - that he was willing to continue to be taken advantage of, be abused, mistreated, talked down to - than to lose the relationship. They weren’t relationships - they were bloodsuckers. Your WH is a bloodsucker - he’s willing to throw you a bone, to give you false hope to tempt you with R - and you’d be willing to jump at it just to not feel the pain, the loneliness, the despair. Sis, this man is a narcissist who gets off on your pain. He has no interest in R with you. He gets off on seeing you suffer. There is something seriously wrong with him. Please cut him loose - see him for what he is. Please don’t fall into the trap that you would give anything to have your old life back (which may I remind you was full of instances of lying, cheating, head games, hurt, pain, intense suffering) - don’t make this a "something is better than nothing" thing because you can’t bear to be alone. I’d venture to say - HE orchestrated that photo opportunity and had it sent to you. That is downright CRUEL!!! Rise above this game. NC him - unless it’s finances, or other important stuff - NC. Everyone is right NC = no new hurts!! For every positive step forward, talking to him takes you 10 steps back. Don’t let him have this power and control over you. We KNOW you are suffering - but pining over this cruel, insensitive, lying man isn’t going to get you through to the other side. You must continue to try to be strong. You must continue to try and get yourself into IC to help you break this co-dependency you have with him. Keep posting here - keep checking in. I have no problem telling you that your WH is not worth your tears! Please be kind to yourself. Sending virtual hugs to you.

Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996
DDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month)
DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk)
Reconciling and doing well.

posts: 191   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8796485
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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 11:25 PM on Thursday, June 22nd, 2023

Thank you for the update D16.

I am so sorry that your ex being so emotionally abusive and cruel to you. My ex was similar, he would respond to my text messages telling me he missed me, then he would reject me in the next message, then he would rub salt in my wounds by telling me about the OW. Sometimes he would ask questions and not respond. At times he even compared me to her. It would just tear me apart emotionally. It set me spiralling down. It ripped me to shreds. It made me feel worthless. I would look in the mirror and not recognise myself.

What my ex did was emotional abuse. Gently, I believe your ex’s actions are also emotionally abusive. I know that may be hard to hear but when we acknowledge that it is abuse it can help us to heal.

In the end I had no choice but to go NC as I became really unwell, physically and mentally. I knew I had to stop all contact. Each time I had contact with him he chipped away at my self worth.

NC is so hard but it is the only way to heal. I promise you that. You WILL heal.

NC opens your eyes. I began to see that he had been emotionally abusive for years- very covert and difficult to detect emotional abuse. That was the beginning of my healing.


I remember feeling like I hated life too. I didn’t want to be here. It is a very confusing and frightening place to be. I used distraction, just kept myself busy and journaling. Now I love my life. You will too. You WILL get there! It all starts with protecting yourself from him. You are in a fragile state- protect yourself against him by using NC.

Please take good care of yourself D16. You deserve so much better than this cruelty.

Life will be so much better without him. X

posts: 266   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8796493
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Newenglandmom ( new member #79495) posted at 12:21 AM on Friday, June 23rd, 2023

That was pure evil, This torment can’t be good for your health. Sending you hugs and I hope you find a little peace. For me being in nature or watching the sunrise or sunset brings me peace.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: USAa
id 8796496
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SackOfSorry ( member #83195) posted at 12:40 AM on Saturday, June 24th, 2023

Oh dear, that was just brutal!

I have seen you answer a few posts here and there from newbies to the board who are suffering, and you have offered them some really great advice. You have got to give yourself that same advice and act on it. This man doesn't deserve any more of your crying! He does not deserve your time, your head space, your responses, your tears. You see the situation clearly enough when it's a stranger posting about their craptastic wayward. I hope you can finally see it in your own, and find that anger and make the steps to move on. He is just not worth this much grief. I know we have to feel our feels, but at some point, we really have to say to ourselves that it's enough. You are so much better than him, you've just got to realize it and believe it.

Me - BW
DDay - May 4, 2013

And nothing's quite as sure as change. (The Mamas and the Papas)

posts: 101   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2023
id 8796701
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FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 3:05 AM on Saturday, June 24th, 2023

Everyone here is right about your ex. I'm not going to touch on that. I wanted to highlight something you said. That everyone here is more worthy than you are. That is NOT true. There aren't those of us who are deserving and those who are not. Of course you deserve love, happiness and friendship. Of course you deserve the happiness that will be coming your way.

Find your anger. Find yourself. You ARE worthy. Believe in yourself. You weren't put on this earth to suffer, or to not know what a beautiful, giving soul you are. I agree with someone else. Please find some volunteer opportunities, so that you have a focus for that love, and so that you will see how worthy and loving you truly are.

posts: 235   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8796714
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SackOfSorry ( member #83195) posted at 10:20 AM on Saturday, June 24th, 2023

Or even just reach out on the off topic area of this board to talk about some other things with other members. I know we're anonymous and it's not in-person but it's conversation, it's distraction, and maybe you could enjoy some of that.

Me - BW
DDay - May 4, 2013

And nothing's quite as sure as change. (The Mamas and the Papas)

posts: 101   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2023
id 8796735
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Jojorabbit80 ( new member #81161) posted at 3:31 PM on Saturday, June 24th, 2023

You feel this way now. I understand completely. The eyes so swollen from crying, the thoughts of ending your life because you just want the pain to end. I understand completely. I was and sometimes I am still there. You might even not believe you will see the hope and strength in yourself when you are in the deepest depths of despair. But you DO have that strength and it will arise. Please get help. Please talk to a professional. Please know you will find the strength even when you are so depressed right now. Know that it wasn’t you but your partner that was at fault . Karma will track him down. My WP (wayward partner) lost his job right before I moved out, then his father had a heart attack more recently ( his dad also cheated) . I know how hard it is right now. You deserve better and you will get to a better place, it’s a journey and there is still pain ahead but it will get better .

Jojo

posts: 18   ·   registered: Oct. 15th, 2022   ·   location: CT
id 8796753
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Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 10:42 PM on Saturday, June 24th, 2023

Hi Dev,
How are you doing today? Just dropping by here to check on you. Hope you’re well. Remember you ARE worthy of love, happiness, worthy of a fulfilling life. We care about you and want to see you reach the other side of this. Stay strong!!

Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996
DDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month)
DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk)
Reconciling and doing well.

posts: 191   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8796780
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 8:52 AM on Sunday, June 25th, 2023

I've been going over in my mind who my deceased WH throughout our whole marriage really was. We were married 32 years by the time of his death.

I remember those first days after his death. I remember feeling in shock and emotionally numb. The tears kept coming, deep soul quenching cries. My daughter picked me up off the floor several times. I remember those first few nights where I just sat in his truck weeping.

I remember moments where I felt like I could barely breathe, going into fits of sleep and then waking up to my new and at the time terrible reality that I at first saw as a nightmare. I honestly thought that I would never get beyond the deep despair that I was experiencing.

I remember those first few moments where I told my kids I didn't want to live anymore and both actually broke down in tears thinking that they were about to lose their mother too. I was in pretty bad shape back then. I remember those day's. That was 3 years ago.

I really didn't think I would make it through this terrible, horrific grief period several times. And strangely the truth of who he really was was very hard to comprehend. I'm not sure how to describe it? Denial on my part? I didn't want to admit to what my subconscious already knew.

After his departure from this earth, I began to come out of denial. Turns out not only was he a functioning alcoholic which I became aware of the severity of it over time. But he also had on multiple occasions one-night stands and several affairs over the span of our marriage.

He outwardly admitted to me that he "only" had one affair. But somehow reality reared its ugly head and the truth slowly began to unravel in slow motion. It was so strange what I went through.

So on top of grieving his death, I was coming to terms with my deceased WH was not only an alcoholic but sex addict too and in fact was never faithful to me at all during our marriage.

What I am finding more and more is that there are many here on SI with very similar stories and I should include a high success rate of coming out on top of this. Why shouldn't we eventually come out ahead? We weren't the ones being cheaters and liars. We were the spouses who remained true to our life partners, dispite any poor behavior or any other life's obstacles that came iur way.

I worked hard to get where I am at today. This has been the most difficult journey of my life; his death and the realization that he was never faithful to me throughout our marriage. I thought I died inside learning the truth. I kind of get the feeling this is how you are feeling.

Your WH is cruel. I went through stuff like this too. My deceased WH was cruel to me. Sure he was nice and charming and took care of us but the love wasn't there because he chose to give his love and emotions to other women. He shield ed them from me because in his mind theses women were more important to him than I was. I feel that he kept me around to keep up the appearances. Lol You know, good family man, husband. He definitely had a strong need to keep up these false appearances.

Your WH has been downright cruel to you for awhile now. I'm just wondering if your brain tumor may have had something to do with his wanting to run away from you? His not being able to face reality about your not feeling well.

Your WH fear of health scare surely wasn't a ticket to abuse and abandonment though. I'm sure if this was the case or part of it he could have come to me to discuss whatever it was that was bothering him.

Running away is never the right answer. I think a good mature man with healthy coping skills would have stuck around to help you in your healing process.

I think your best best is this time to stick to a hard NO CONTACT. I did this as husband was ending our marriage with divorce papers. I barely survived this personal hell he put me through, especially because my mom and two of my brothers passed away in this time period. Lots of junk to unpack for sure.

Yes, go no contact. There is nothing that he has to say to you anymore of importance. The lawyer can handle this.

I remember at one point and I was "still" in the dark over who he was, he wanted to come back into my life again. I was his plan B. He was divorcing me to go and be with her I guess but their fantasy relationship must have fallen apart.

He came back to me and I took him back so readily which of course in a way it was a mistake... just more painshoping was all it was. And the worst was yet to come.

Most horrible times in my life. And similar to what you are going through. My husband behavior towards other women was so way out of line, like he was single and I was just a friend. These other women were so much more important to me.

Today and most days I really don't care anymore about how he felt towards me. But I do think about how disrespectful and intentionally at times how hurtful his behavior was to me.

You see, his behavior was on him. He was just being who he really was. He pretty much got to zero filters and began saying and doing so blatantly what he wanted to do.

Today I shake it off and tell myself that he decided he didn't like me anymore which today is just fine. Just wished he would have told me a lot sooner so that I could have went on my merry way and mayve could have met up with Mr. Right. But he chose utter abuse and disrespect as his pathway in life.

If I could go back in time and this isn't being said said out of hurt or hatred, I would have listened to those red flags and kicked his ass out of my life sooner. But today I feel denial and my financial dependence on him caused me to stuff my emotions down. Anyways, knowing what I know now I would have kicked his ass to the curb and say bye!

No one needs to take abusive crap from anyone. That's not love, to be abused and mistreated. One thing I realize today, and when in the moment I start boo hooing which I've done A LOT of this. I just tell myself that I am no longer his victim, so I don't need to play the victim role anymore. And I'm not a victim anymore. I used to say why!? Why!? Why?! Why did you do this to me! How could you do this to me?! Now my response in my mind is that he was a sick man who chose to not get serious help for his addictions. And each day he wake up he chose to feed these addictions instead of trying to make life right and productive.

And now when I begin to cry over his mistreatment and I am missing him or who I fantasized him to be, messed up I know to have such confusing and conflicting emotions, I say to myself, what he did were his choices. His choices belonged to him. His choices imo were a reflection of who he was. He chose to not love me properly. He chose to get drunk all of the time and to cheat on me with multiple women. That's not love either. He chose to abandon our marriage when trouble arose. He chose to not be the best husband in the world to me and a great father. Instead he chose a different avenue in his life. And honestly those choices were horrible, especially because he had a wonderful family he sacrificed to be with these other women and be unfaithful to me and his late night drinking and partying. But this is what he chose to do. No matter what he used to say to me, today I know he was just the wrong person for me.

Having a good comeback in my mind when I get teary eyed over whether I am missing him or crying over how he treated me, has been one of the best things I have done for myself. His taking us on family vacations, putting in a pool for us, fixing up the house for us, buying me nice cars, etc does not make up for what he did to us and I don't allow these material goods to control my thinking anymore. I have a great perspective today and now I know what love is and what isn't love and I won't settle for anything but love, faithfulness, respect, honesty... if a man can't give me what is important to and for me, then he isn't the right man for me.

If my husband were to miraculously come back to this earth, hypothetically of course, I would not be able to be with him again. The veil has been lifted. I see his truth. I can clearly see him now. No more blind spots for me.

I do not hate him anymore. I still love parts of him. The good parts in him. I'm slowly working on forgiveness and realizing that there was something broken in this man to do what he did to me and the kid's. And buying us gifts did not compensate for his poor behaviors and poor life choices.

But I am also learning to let go. It has been a very long process to get where I'm at today. I kind of feel like I'm getting close to being done with the deep grieving. I am finding my grieving for all the what ifs, hopes stolen dreams, has served its purpose and with a renewed understanding I am ready to move forward in my life and let go of the past. But it has taken time to get to this point. Like lots of time and I'm glad I allowed myself to grieve the loss of his life and the loss of the marriage I wanted to believe I had.

I am so much better today. Never thought I would feel better. Still have very sad moments and I still sink into deep, dark sadness and depression but as I said earlier, I am so tired of grieving especially for a man who felt the way he did about me. I mean, I chose someone who didn't like me or love me. Maybe he liked me but surely didn't love me. I think that is fair to say. So why would I want to try and hang onto someone who didn't even love me when he was alive? Or maybe I need to reword this to say that I am finally feeling I'm getting closer to letting the hurt and pain he caused to me throughout out marriage go.

Don't worry about how long it takes you to grieve and process everything that has happened in your life. Just use this time to allow yourself to grieve everything that you need to grieve. I'm telling you that there is a whole bright new world waiting for you when your feet begin to settle onto the ground again. Just takes time to heal. Use that time. It's okay to not be okay. Remember that.

posts: 906   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8796814
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 Devastated16 (original poster member #82864) posted at 6:32 PM on Monday, June 26th, 2023

Thank you for the advice, comments and HurtmyHeart the post of your personal journey which was inspiring. I am sorry your words to help me upset you once again. I am so very sorry you had to endure all that to begin with. I am sorry if I seem to make my pain out to be more significant than others who have suffered. I do comprehend that everyone on here has suffered immensely. There is a nothing "special" about my situation. I know that. But the hurt, the pain, the despair, the devastation---may not be new, but it is new to me, it is consuming me.

Cried all weekend. Basically cannot get a grip over my emotions. I cry, get angry with myself for being such a blubbering baby then cry some more. I need for my logical side and my emotional to agree. Not sure how to make that happen.

I agree NC would be best but I would be lying if I said I can do that.......I cant bring myself to block him to delete him......I am obsessed with knowing! I still hold hope that he will want me back! Trust me I know how absolutely stupid that is, but the truth be told, it is still what I hope! I don't know how to stop hoping! I don't know how to stop feeling this way. I don't know how to stop wanting my life back. I cannot seem to change how I feel. I try to redirect my feelings but I just CAN'T!!! then I get upset with myself because I cannot control how I feel. Then, I cry more. I need to find that switch.....I need to flip that switch! I do not want to feel this way......I don't. I know I need to stop wallowing, I just don't know how to make it happen. When I am not crying, I am sitting like a zombie playing over and over and over again..the good times, the plans we had, and of course wondering why he couldn't just love me. EVERYTHING.....I do mean EVERYTHING reminds me of him or my loss. I cannot stand to be out in public as I fall apart seeing couples everywhere. The sound of a motorcycle while out makes me freeze, tremble and fall apart. My phone going off makes me anxious. The warm weather just reminds me of what I would have been doing with him and what he is doing with her! I become obsessed with how unfair it is that he is having fun and I am suffering to the extreme! I just cant stop all these emotions and thoughts! They have a life all their own and no matter how logical I try to be....the emotions just take over.

Everyone of you has told me it will get better. I am not denying that as so many of you have come out the other side. I know you have had it just as bad. I just cant see the light. I can read the words but I just don't believe them. Not because I don't want to but because the despair wont let me! What if I am the exception? What is my luck is so bad this is as good as it will feel? What if I will spend the rest of my life alone doing nothing but sitting and watching TV? I have lost everything. I just don't know how to rebuild. I have to find reason, any reason to live or else what's the point? What is the point of getting up, working, coming home to cry, trying to sleep just to play mind movies over and over to get up the next day and REPEAT! Endless day after day of misery. I don't think I have smiled in 5 months. I know I haven't laughed. I don't think I have looked forward to one single thing since DD. Sometimes I have enough strength to force the motions. But they are just that...I am going through the motion. The hurt hasn't changed or lessened.

He wins. She wins. Despair wins. Misery Wins. Hurt wins. Loneliness wins. I have been stripped to my core of any self worth.

At what point do you stop fighting against the tidal wave and just succumb? The fight is exhausting and at times seems so fruitless. Fighting to keep my head above water is the hardest thing I have ever done. As of late, I am not sure I can keep it above water.....what's worse, I am not sure I want to.

No, I must want to ...or I wouldn't be on this forum reaching out, desperately reading and rereading everyone's comments, grasping to hold on to the advice and personal journeys of others who have survived this horrific nightmare. I am so ready to wake up from this nightmare......please let me wake up from it.

For one moment, while typing these last few sentences, I stopped crying for a second. I will take it.

posts: 51   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Canada
id 8796978
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:55 PM on Monday, June 26th, 2023

I can read the words but I just don't believe them. Not because I don't want to but because the despair wont let me!

Gently, now is a time when despair is not abnormal.

What if I am the exception?

You are exceptional in many ways, one of which is that the hopelessness maybe is stronger in you than in others. You're exceptional but not alone. Other BSes have come here as hopeless as you are - and have come out the other side.

What did your STBXH and his ap win? They're together - 2 cheaters. If they'll cheat with one another, they'll cheat on one another.

You won - you're rid of a cheater and liar and abuser.

You are loving, lovable, and capable. Your life IS worthwhile even now, even though you may not be convinced of that. You know us only as anonymous virtual beings, but we care about you. Hang in with us. Keep posting so we know you're safe. Memorize the National Suicide Hotline number - 1-800-273-8255 - and use it when necessary.

You'll see that the despair is temporary.

No, I must want to ...or I wouldn't be on this forum reaching out, desperately reading and rereading everyone's comments, grasping to hold on to the advice and personal journeys of others who have survived this horrific nightmare. I am so ready to wake up from this nightmare......please let me wake up from it.

Yes!

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:56 PM, Monday, June 26th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29815   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8796987
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Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 7:09 PM on Monday, June 26th, 2023

I still hold hope that he will want me back!


Let logic take over. Stop listening to your heart. He. has. HURT. You.
He torments you with photos of himself having fun with other women - what are we up to so far? 3?
And THAT’S the guy you want back in your life?
Dev, sis, this man hurt you - deeply - he left you and didn’t care AT ALL about you. STILL doesn’t.
He enjoys tormenting you. He gets off knowing how desperate you are to have him back in your life. The plans you had? He was never going to fulfill this with you, you have to know this. You are tormented and tortured by the "what if’s" - when he’s been perfectly clear about what he wants. And he’s not choosing you. Just look at all he’s done to you Dev. So much cheating, lying, manipulation, cruelty, abuse. He’s not a safe partner at all. I know it’s hard to let go - and that you’re obsessed with knowing what he’s doing, what fun he might having - all that is amplified by the fact that he’s not doing these things with you. I don’t get the sense that we’re trying to make you feel that since we have all felt this same pain that YOUR pain doesn’t count or that we are minimizing your pain. OR that you don’t have a right to openly express that pain. Dev - this is your journey and we’re just trying to get you off the Infidelity train so you can have a life again. We KNOW you’re hurting.

The warm weather just reminds me of what I would have been doing with him and what he is doing with her!


Dear lady, "her" has been by my last count, the third OW. He’s NOT a faithful man - and YOU deserve a faithful man. He’s rotating through these side chicks - YOU are better than that. You don’t need to be holding out hope waiting in the wings for him to finally notice you - to finally say, ok I’m done farting around Dev, let’s make a go of this one more time. No. He has so fully and thoroughly disrespected you that he doesn’t deserve a good person like you.

I know this is soo hard. I know. My H’s A was 11 yrs ago and then we had a second dday Dec 2022 and I’m STRUGGLING every damn day to feel good inside. We are reconciling- but we keep having setbacks where he’s not doing the work. I’m not quite at the point where I am ready to throw in the towel and say I quit, I’m done. And I’ve always been the one to say "I’m here for the long haul" - but driving to work every morning and crying in my car because I’m so sad is no way to live.
Sending you hugs today. I hope this week brings you better vibes.
BB

Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996
DDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month)
DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk)
Reconciling and doing well.

posts: 191   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8796991
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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 9:08 PM on Monday, June 26th, 2023

All if the words you have written I can relate to. My lowest time was Summer last year. I was completely consumed with what they would be doing together. I imagined them being so happy together in the beautiful Summer evenings (and days) while I cried in bed looking at the ceiling. I felt like I didn’t want to be here anymore. Every single day was a battle. Every morning it hit me like a train that I had to get out of bed. I am sharing this to let you know that you are not alone feeling like this. I have been there and I will never forget that experience. Ever.

I found NC hard, and I slipped up. Texted. It was like I couldn’t help myself because I felt like he was the only person that could make me feel better. I felt like it would never end.

I trained myself to text less. I posted on here instead. All the time. That helped. Post on here when you want to reach out to him. Talk to us. We really do care.

I wanted my ex to take me back so much. I just wanted my old life back. It was so hard. My dreams and future were shattered and I cried more than I ever thought possible. I felt like a burden to everyone, my friends, work, my family.

But D it WILL get better. Right now you are in the raw of it all, 5 months is early. Really early. I was still crying everywhere all of the time. I hated seeing couples out and everything was a trigger for me, especially babies as he cheated while we were trying for a baby. I thought he was the future father of my children. Even worse he got the OW pregnant 5 months after DD. The man I loved and trusted. The man that I was with for years, who I thought was my best friend. Who I had picked baby names with. It was utterly devastating for me.

You are grieving. It’s hard but it is grief. Let your feelings out and try not to beat yourself up. Don’t judge yourself harshly. Every tear is letting those emotions out. You are working through the stages of grief. And eventually we do cope with grief. We heal. I’m

Sometimes I didn’t feel ‘normal’ but it is normal. If I could go back to that time in my life all that I would change is that I would have been kinder to myself. Please be kind to you.

Keep phoning those helplines, they are there waiting for calls. I used them all the time. Strangers were my lifeline. And a good lifeline, I knew I didn’t have to be ‘ok’ or ‘getting better’ ad many of my friends expected. There was no pressure. I could let it all out.

From my own experience I can tell you that over time (I know, the crummy word time) it DOES get easier. And you will see him in a different light, you will start to see his true colours and you will be glad to be away from him. I know it’s hard to believe but it is true. It just takes time. And it is wonderful when it happens. It will happen for you too. I don’t want to say my time frame as i remember thinking ‘it’s been 6 months, why don’t I feel better get?’ Just keep letting those emotions out. Cry, shout, hit cushions, scream into pillows. Let it all out. And please just know that with every tear it is closer to healing.

Please keep reaching out. We’ve got you D.

posts: 266   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 9:51 PM on Monday, June 26th, 2023

Dev, your pain comes through to ALL of us and we feel the pain for you. People will often use the cliche of "I know how you feel" but trust me, we DO know.

I have a suggestion for you. Take a week off and load up your best doggie friend and hit the road. Go somewhere that you never went with HIM. Take your time. You don't even have to have a goal destination in place, just go. I am telling you this because this helped ME more than anything. Road trips are so healing. You HAVE to pay attention to your driving so your mind goes to that. You see signs along the roadway about attractions - so you go off the beaten path to see NEW things. Doesn't matter if it's the "world's largest rocking chair" ... it's something to see and take your mind off of HIM. Stay at the Red Roof hotels which welcome doggies and take your doggie for walks at rest stops, talk to people with other doggies. Don't pressure yourself, just go with the flow. Don't let HIM know you are leaving because frankly it's none of his damn business. It will be YOU taking care of YOU. It was the BEST therapy for me and the only costs were fuel and hotels - and a few meals. I would often buy food and picnic in a park in the small towns.

Give it a try. Get OUT of the house that has so many memories and you will feel freedom and will come back home with a new prospective.

You are a great person and you do not deserve what has happened to you. He does not deserve your tears.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3726   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
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brainybird66 ( new member #83082) posted at 3:47 AM on Tuesday, June 27th, 2023

I just came on here to say although I’m no longer posting on my journey, I’m nearly 4 months post DDay and yes, as per my last post, I’m well on my way to healing, but by no means am I completely healed. I do still have my moments where I feel sad.But I understand there’s no substitute for the passage of time(that dreaded cliche).
One of the BEST things that has truly helped get me this far has been NO contact. None. Nada. Zip.
Those first few weeks were brutal. The urge to reach out was so strong, but I kept telling myself over and over everything I needed to know about him, I learned on that day, and that was the only thing that mattered.
Each day that has passed since that time has made it that much easier.
I say this because years ago when another relationship ended(not due to cheating, it just didn’t work out), I kept reaching out, thinking I needed to hear his voice to make me feel better.
Each time I did this it took me right back to the day of the break-up and kept me stuck in a perpetual cycle of fresh grief.
I hope you can find a way to break off all contact with him. Believe me when I say I know how hard this is, but it will go a long way to helping you to heal.
I also think the fact you continue to post on here shows you are making progress in your healing.
Getting the words out in a safe place with a community of people who understand the pain of this betrayal is helping you more than realize.❤️

I'm well on my way to true healing

posts: 21   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2023   ·   location: Somewhere
id 8797039
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 10:11 AM on Tuesday, June 27th, 2023

I know I need to stop wallowing

D what you are experiencing is grief. Grief is messy, all over the place. I think understanding this in the beginning helped me out so much.

And no I am not triggered over your experiences at all, I just come to SI and check in and offer my help where I feel it is needed. And also wanting to give back to others by paying it forward. SI members understood what I was going through. I'm not so sure where I would be today without the members here and their collective wisdom.

As I am writing this out and I am reflecting, I can get an idea of where you are at on your grief journey. The feelings of frustration because you want all of this to be over and done with.

Unfortunately grief has a timeline of its own... and sometimes we just need to allow our emotions as devastating as they can be at times, to play out and eventually these periods of grief will be less and less. But the biggest take away is to try and understand that this is a journey and not a race and it's important to allow the journey to unfold at its own pace.

And in response to a question you had about all of these emotions you are having? At first I used to get so upset and angry because like you I was so frustrated and so over feeling how I was feeling. I remember trying to fight my grief and pain, tried to force myself to stop obsessing over everything until I just decided that no matter what I was feeling or obsessing over, I was just going to have to deal with and accept it and go through it. No other around the pain but through it.

For one moment, while typing these last few sentences, I stopped crying for a second. I will take it.

This right here is key. Those seconds of relief will turn into minutes, into hours, into days when you will have better moments. And eventually you will realize that you didn't even think about what's his name not one time in that day. And you will feel a sigh of relief. And this is when you know that you are healing.

As I said earlier, grief is messy and something you will need to go through to get to the other side. Not the easiest of tasks to do but still you will get there. Just take things day by day, sun up to sun down.

And trust me when I tell you your story is pretty sad and devastating. We don't need to compare notes who had it worse. Everyone here has a sad story to share. It really doesn't matter what the details are because ultimately we all feel the same thing, a broken heart. All it takes is one time where the spouse cheats to cause devastation. I'm over my sad story. It may be history but it no longer defines me.

One last thing I want to say but you may not be ready to hear this part because I know that you are so deep in your sadness, despair and loneliness. And I don't blame you for feeling this way. I am sad for you. And you have every right to be devastated and disappointed... but, and I know that you may not believe this in the moment, you will come out of your grief. It just takes time though. Allow yourself to grieve and feel the pain of loss. It cleanses the soul. Just try not to force the healing. It will happen in its own time.

posts: 906   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 11:09 AM on Tuesday, June 27th, 2023

I have been stripped to my core of any self worth.

I recommend reading Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. You have a choice here about how you regard your self worth, it is ultimately not dependent on anybody else and you can choose not to give it away. You must not measure it on what you feel is the say-so of an immature cheater, try to resist the temptation to do so. But if you must, you must not see his discard as a message to discard yourself. He has been bedazzled by the glitter of fool’s gold, and he has discarded his own compassion, his courtesy, his kindness, his humanity if they were ever present, and it will be helpful when you start to see that and stop the idealising process whereby you endow him with some kind of superiority and disempower and discard yourself in the process. Olivia Laing’s book about being lonely in New York after just such a discard might be a good read and you will feel in good company. The most beautiful, smart, funny, and feted women in the world have also been cheated on, discarded and abandoned, they didn’t deserve it and neither do you. The discard and the manner in which it is done is entirely a reflection on the cheater and their poor character and does not reflect on you at all. You will eventually see that and can do many things to help that realisation along, some of which you are doing. You will block him when you’re ready, perhaps when you are done with mourning, but the sooner you block him and start that process of getting to re-love yourself the better. Try it and see. Or perhaps you have never loved yourself and needed someone to help you do that. We are here to help you do that so that you can learn how to. An IC can help this also. Perhaps your attachment style means you feel this abandonment in particularly acute ways. Again, an IC can help you with understanding yourself better and your sense of loss.

Your loneliness seems to be now at the heart of your anguish, which is fuelling your depression. Depression is sometimes a protective slightly dormant state and has a natural time-span when it lifts by itself although there is much you can do, and are doing, to help it on its way. Even a ten minute walk incremented on a daily basis is a way of fighting back, enjoying a beautiful sunset, or listening to a beautiful piece of music. And remember, when at your bleakest and most despairing, there are hundreds of us here for you. Smart, funny, wise, compassionate friends who have felt what you feel. You’re one of us. Lean on us. We’re here for you. We value you.

[This message edited by Edie at 10:03 PM, Tuesday, June 27th]

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6638   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8797062
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 1:03 AM on Saturday, July 1st, 2023

So very sorry to hear you are going through all that you are. Definitely try to keep the Blood pressure down as that will cause your health situation to worsen.

Do you have a support system? People who can rally around you and help you and take you out to get you away from all the reminders when you need a break?

posts: 353   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Eastern States
id 8797742
Topic is Sleeping.
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