I give up I am not strong enough to endure
Hit another new low this long weekend.....spent it crying and alone. The reality of all the things I have to do alone and on my own is sinking in.
I cannot find anything in the garage that I need. He had organized it. It was his "man cave" area. Every time I turn around, I run into an obstacle or a beacon of how much he took care of. I literally just spent the weekend crying. My eyes were so swollen by Monday night I could barely open them.
The mind movies were endless this weekend.....played over and over in my head....could see him riding with his friends and stopping at Timmies and the places we used to visit, he was laughing and having fun. Played over and over scenes of him and his AP. Relived every word I read from the sexting between them. Every time I closed my eyes I saw her face laughing at me for taking my WS. Every time I hear the sound of a motorcycle I begin to tremble. Is it him? Is it our friends? The sound is just a reminder that he is free of responsibility, free of stress, free and enjoying every moment he has.
I called the crisis line...all I did was cry.....couldn't speak because I couldn't stop crying. Cried so hard and so much I gave myself a migraine. With my brain tumor ,the migraines get really bad. My head was throbbing so much I thought it would explode. I have been warned by my neurosurgeon that I could have an aneurism from the stress and pressure build up. I won't lie. I was hoping I would just to be done with it all.
I reached out to my WS to ask a question about where I could find the damn keys to the boat.....he replied he is out for a ride with friends enjoying the beautiful weather and has a full weekend planned and that off hand he cannot remember where they are but he will think about it when he isn't busy and let me know if and when he has a free moment. more tears......I don't even know how I had any tears to left to cry.
Monday morning I get up and my right eye is red. Really red. I cried so hard all weekend that I broke blood vessels in the eye. The eye with the tumor behind it. What else could go wrong? Well...
I received a reminder about my upcoming stay I had booked long before DD. A beautiful email asking if there was special occasion for the lucky couple and if there was anything they could do to make our stay more enjoyable. Kill me......just end it.......I physically and emotionally cannot take any more.
There is no light. There is no end. There is no hope. There is only darkness, pain, a mountain of tears and endless hurt.
I want to believe all the kind words, all the encouraging words, all the support I have been given here, but I cannot convince myself there is an end to this devastation. I exist.....and barely. If all there is to life is to exist......it just isn't worth it.
163 comments posted: Thursday, June 1st, 2023
Spiraling Again only deeper this time
Here I sit, crying again. I just cannot seem to stop. I thought I had made progress. Now I am here at work and the floodgates have opened once more. I was literally sitting here and suddenly overwhelming sadness and emotional pain just took over. I am alone. I am alone and miserable. My life has changed so much I don't recognize myself or my life. I am falling apart. I cannot seem to get my control back. I thought I was moving into the angry phase. Now I am back at the emotional stage feeling like I am drowning all over again but for some reason it is hitting even harder. It is so bad, all I can think about is that I cannot keep going on like this. I do not want to feel this pain anymore. I do not want to feel so utterly worthless and unhappy. I do not see an end to this. I have read and reread every word on here. I hear what everyone has to say. I know everyone has been through this and survived. But, I cannot find any light in this dark hole I am in. This pain is debilitating. It has sucked out my energy, my common sense and every ounce of happiness I have ever have. I hate waking up. I hate sleeping. I hate breathing. I just hate everything about myself and life at the moment. I am praying that by posting I can regain even the slightest bit of desire to try and make it through this. I am exhausted from this emotional pain. I find myself shutting myself away from everyone and everything more and more again. EVERYTHING reminds me of him. EVERYTHING reminds me I am alone.
I am so consumed with pain that he is having so much fun and doesn't miss me. I am consumed by the fact that he has gone on and I am frozen in a perpetual hell. When will this end? Will it end? I am not sure I can wait for this to get better. I cannot seem to deal with the everyday. All the things that I once was. I have surgery coming up and have no one to drive me there or take me home. The only friend I have left, cannot. I have no family. This is just another reminder that my life is miserable. I cannot find a ride to and from surgery but he is out socializing, partying, with friends every night. He DOES THIS ABSOLUTELY DESPICABLE THING TO ME and he is living large with no shortage of friends by his side and I cannot find a ride from the hospital!!! This is just typical of my worthless life. I lost every friend I had as they took his side somehow. That alone eats away at me. It has eaten away to my core. I was the one cheated on. I was the one unaware anything was wrong. I loved him. We seemed happy. We had a wonderful life. I was the one taken by surprise and had my heart literally ripped from my chest and thrown in the garbage and yet I am the one everyone has disowned. What is wrong with me? What did I do to deserve this? Why am I so disposable? Why am I so unlovable? Tossed aside like garbage by everyone. Maybe the world would be better without me in it. Never waking up feels like the only way to stop this incessant hurt. I would do anything to make this pain stop.
I don't think there is anything anyone can say that will help at the moment. Time will make it better-so I am told. Well it has been 3 months and I feel just as bad now as I did that night I found out. I cannot even rationalize my pain any more and try to think with the slightest bit of logic. I am just all raw and exposed emotions at the moment, void of any and all rational thought.
Every unfinished project, every challenge around the house, every night of silence, every errand I must do alone, every nice day I am not enjoying the things we loved to do together.....they are all just constant reminders that I am completely, utterly alone with nothing to look forward to.
I just cannot seem to want to let him go either. I still want him to want to be with me. I still hope he will realize he loves me and want to come back. I keep looking for the texts that aren't coming. I just cannot accept that he doesn't want me. I cannot accept that he feels no remorse. I just cannot accept anything these days.
I know I sound pathetic. I am pathetic. I feel pathetic. My life is pathetic. I am not sure I am worth saving. I certainly know, no one would miss me. I wouldn't even miss me.
32 comments posted: Wednesday, April 26th, 2023
Very dark thoughts these days :(
I cannot thank everyone enough for all of your advice but please I need more. I swear I am never going to rise above all of this. It has been months and I still do nothing but cry. Everywhere I go, everything I see reminds me of him and us. I have tried all the advice. I haven't slept more than an hour at night in almost 5 months. The endless "movies" of the two of them and the text messages I read...the quotes he sent her still play endlessly in my mind. I try to think of something else. I get up and start baking. I get up and play with my dog....I just cannot seem to turn off the thoughts and images. To make things harder, friends we had, friends we did things with have turned on me! He cheats and they somehow have made it about how had I made him happy this wouldn't have happened! Some of them will not even talk to me anymore yet they are out bowling and partying with him! My entire life has been shattered. I sit at home and cry and cry while he is out enjoying every second of his life with people who were my friends! Not only did I lose my relationship, my pride, my stable home but now my friends. I have been having such dark thoughts. I am not sure if it is the exhaustion, the feeling of worthlessness or the endless hurt that isn't lessening....but I am not sure how much more I can take. I do not have family and now I do not even have friends for support. How did this turn out to suddenly be my fault? how is it that he cheats and I am to blame? How did I become the bad guy in all this? No matter what I do.....I end up in tears. I could be enjoying a show or dinner out and bam...tears as the images and thoughts take over. Everything in my dam house reminds me of him EVERYTHING! I cannot afford to move. I have rearranged furniture. I have moved things around. I get so angry and then so upset because it is eating me alive that he is out having fun as if what we had meant nothing and I home alone in pain. I sometimes think it would be easier to just never wake up. I wouldn't have to see, hear or deal with his enjoyment or my agony. I cannot afford counselling. I can barely afford my home since he is gone. My head knows that at some point the pain has to lessen but I am not sure I will survive until I get to that point. All the firsts are so painful. First holiday without him. The passing of his birthday. The unfinished projects he was working on. Spring is almost here and the plans that had been made. It just never ends. People in stores who were used to seeing us together asking where he is. I have a neighbor who lives beside me who loved my EH. She would always talk to him and not so much me. She saw he was gone and she said right to me, "I knew you couldn't hold a man like that!" Of course, now all of this has me thinking what could I have done differently? Did I not shower him with enough love? Did I not compromise enough? I am being made to feel like somehow I caused this. But how? I thought we were happy. I didn't see anything wrong. He didn't express that he was missing anything. We did everything together. We shared I love you's man times a day. We texted throughout the day to stay in touch while we worked. What did I miss? I am such a shell of a person. I think I hate myself as much as I hate him and the mistress. Sadly, I don't hate him and that's the problem. If only he missed me. if only he was the slightest bit unhappy about being kicked out. I see his posts. I have sent he pics. He is out with fiends every night, laughing and socializing. A friend we both had has told me that he is happy. She spoke with him and he has told her that he is happy to be free to do everything he wants to do with whomever he wants to do it with. He refers to our relationship as "stale". I just cant stop crying. I just cannot seem to pick myself up. This pain is becoming unbearable. :(
59 comments posted: Tuesday, March 7th, 2023
Cannot stop crying, cannot function
How do you go on when it feels like your how life is a lie? How do you stop the thoughts of the two of them together? How do you get over feeling like a fool? How do you come home everyday to an empty house and try to sleep in the bed you shared? How can I stop seeing the love quotes he sent to her? How do I turn off the thoughts of all the sexual things they expressed doing to each other. How do i get the pictures I saw of her naked, out of my mind? I cannot even carry on during the day. everything in that home reminds me of him. So many unfinished projects. My dogs are looking for him. When I found the texts he claimed he loved me and it was just exciting flirting. He said they had not been together at all with each other. it was all sexting. I believe that to be true because we were never a part. We did everything together. I kicked him out. Three days later I see them together in the restaurant we had breakfast at every Saturday morning. She knew he was in a relationship She was a coworker. She saw us together at his Xmas party as a couple. What woman could do this to another woman? She seemed to enjoy the challenge of taking him away form his relationship. Kudos to her. She won. He's out enjoying life and I sit home and cry and cry. I cannot sleep. I cannot function. I am hanging on by a thread. I have no family, no support. I only have a few friends and they just say "good ridden to him". I just need to know how to move on from this. I feel like I never will. My heart is shattered.
39 comments posted: Sunday, February 12th, 2023