A I T A for not wanting my fWH to go back to a job that nearly broke us
Backstory, fWH is a first responder and works in a major metropolitan city for one of the largest FD in the country. The call volume is high and he’s getting the experience he needs because he wants to eventually apply to an air evac as a flight medic. He’s been at this new job for 5 months. Lately he’s been having some medical issues that landed him in the ER twice in the past 6 wks(relatively minor it turns out). Also, his 82 yr old father’s health continues to decline - he has multiple health issues, lives alone 1hr away, refuses to even consider moving in with us so we (or rather, I) can help him on a daily basis. H thinks that his dad’s health issues is causing him so much stress that that’s what is causing HIS own health issues because he’s so worried. I am worried too about his father - it’s not easy trying to convince a very stubborn man to change things in his life; he’s physically falling apart literally, but his mind is sharp. So there’s that. The past two days, H has been talking to me about quitting his job and going back to his old job. Now about the old job. This is where a TON of our issues began. You can look thru some of my old postings about how much I despised that workplace and the people there. More backstory - H is retired military, served over 20+ yrs active duty; when he started in this career path after retirement, he ended up at this FD that is very structured like the military (hierarchy is similar to military, with Chain of Command, Lieutenants, Captains, Commanders, EMS & Fire Chiefs, etc etc). My H absolutely thrives in an environment like that bc that’s what he’s used to. The problems started when he got involved in a stupid juvenile "clique" of firefighters and EMS guys (& some women) and felt like he had to be like them, act like them, talk like them, heck he even grew a damn mustache to be like them!! I saw this man I loved and admired, start acting like a frat boy; they added him to a group text and would exchange the raunchiest jokes, memes, disgusting pics, and yes porn. (women weren’t part of this group text). Our text messages download onto the iPads and other Apple devices we have, so I was aware of the language and content. I expressed my feelings and concerns about how they would act in those texts, the things they talk about, who they make fun of, and I told him I didn’t like the graphic porn pics they pass around. It would be something like a picture of say, a bigger woman they pulled off a porn site, graphic, everything exposed, close up - you get the idea and then pass that photo around with comments like, oh this is so and so’s GF or just some dumb shit like that. It got to the point where then my H started to hide the texts. Which is a big no-no since his A. One time we went on a mini-anniversary weekend to Chicago, stayed in a 5 star hotel, had a suite, went to the best restaurants, the whole nine yards. Only to find out that the WHOLE time we were there, my dumbass H was texting his boys back at the fire station the whole time. Jokes, memes, dirty pics, the same shit. Like he couldn’t even stop and remove himself from the group text for ONE weekend. I was heartbroken when I saw the phone bill and saw they had exchanged over 1500 text messages in a 4 day period. We had a HUGE fight over that - and the first time in my life I told him I’d be okay if we split up. He was shocked I said that. I was shocked I said it out loud! Like I was so DONE with being in competition with other people for my own husband’s attention that I was yes, willing to walk away. He told me that he felt accepted by his peers and in order to feel accepted he has to engage in this behavior. I call bullshit. We had so many fights over these "friends". So many. We just drifted further and further apart and that’s when he started texting an old female friend he grew up with and that was the beginning of an EA. I discovered this almost immediately and confronted him - and then exposed the EA to her family and our family. It was nothing short of a shit show. That happened and I should have asked him to find another job but I didn’t. I also noticed an uptick in female friends he was adding to his social media. Some were classmates he was in school with (EMS school, basic, advanced and paramedic schools - all over the last three years). I am generally "okay" with female friendships. But I noticed he likes their photos all the time, he will engage with them over social media all the time, sometimes texting back and forth with one or two female employees about nothing really - weekend plans, a work schedule, an overtime request- nothing out of the ordinary, BUT it made me very uncomfortable. Because his 2012 Affair started off like this - "just friends". His EA in Dec 2022 started like this, "we’re just friends". He didn’t always initiate the texting, sometimes they did. But obviously they feel comfortable enough to do that so they do. I’m always torn up about it because I fear, will this be the next EA??? So maybe I’m not so comfortable with female friendships - it's a huge issue with me. Anyway, he worked there for 2 yrs. And in those 2 yrs he changed into a man I didn’t like very much. He disagrees that he changed. But ppl who change always deny that they have 🙄 In January of this year, he came to me and said he needed more experience and a higher call volume than he was getting at his current job. He needed this because he wanted to start looking at flight medic opportunities. I was elated - this meant LEAVING that toxic workplace. He interviewed and got offered a job and started in February. The texting with the old group has pretty much leveled off. They still text but it’s not nearly as often or as much as when he was there. He’s still part of the group text. Which I’m like, why?? you don’t even work there anymore? I felt like if he’s not there, then this will taper off eventually. Taking the new job has made life so much better for us. The new job offers him better hours - so that’s better for us. Much better pay - definitely better for US. No toxic friends . But now this new development. His father declining in health, his own health issues (all GI related) have now changed his focus - he’s now wanting to go back to the old job. He says because in the new job, he’s the new guy. And he’s not making the friends and connections he made like he did at his old job. Also, the old job is closer to his father. That’s the biggest reason he’s claiming - being in closer proximity to his dad. We live in between both jobs - 40 miles north to old job, 40 miles south to new job. His dad lives closer to the old job. I disagree and think he needs to stay at this new job. Going back to the mouth of the beast that nearly broke us is not an option. I know he’s disappointed that I’m not on board. He asked me what it would take for me to feel comfortable if he went back there? (is burning the whole ass MF’er down an option?) I’m panicked, paranoid, sad, conflicted. Him working there nearly broke us. I expressed my concerns very clearly - I explained why it wouldn’t be a good idea. He’s adamant he’s a different man, a changed man, and that what happened there won’t happen again. I’m just not convinced. So, am I the asshole for not wanting him to go back there??? I need the SI hive to help me make this make sense!
5 comments posted: Sunday, July 21st, 2024
Got through Anniversary of Dday #1 unscathed
June 1 2012 was when fWH told me he wanted a D, and was moving out of our home. June 2 2012 he moved out. Over the course of the next two weeks he retained an attorney and began the process of filing for D. I remember those days so vividly. I felt like everything was traveling at the speed of light. He wanted to move out, move in with OW, get the D - not in that particular order but still. He wanted to get everything wrapped up and over and done with so he could move on with his new life. I remember thinking that I was on this bullet train, everything happening so fast, decisions to be made, I was in shock, cried all the time, could barely function, I wanted to die every single day, I lost a ridiculous amount of weight on this "trauma diet". It was the most horrific experience I’ve ever had to deal with. Two weeks went by after he’d dropped this bomb on us and blew up our lives. It was Father’s Day weekend. We got into this HUGE argument, like UGLY. I will forever regret my part in it and for doing this in front of our son. Anyway we were in each others’ faces yelling, cursing - the last 6 months of our life just came spilling out - he was never a person to berate me, speak down to me, he never said an unkind word to me about my looks, about my baby weight, nothing ever like that - but that day, he just let loose and spoke to me in a way he’d never done before, said horrible vile things to me that I’d never heard come out of his mouth before. Emotions were high and he’d never ever struck me or raised a hand at me - heck we never even spanked our kids. That day he did get violent and struck the wall, he also slammed his fist into the kitchen cabinet drawing blood from the cuts on his knuckles. As he moved to walk past me, some of the blood from his hand transferred to the sleeve of my shirt and onto my upper arm. At that same moment our son walked in and first thing he saw was blood on me and he lost it. When H started to get out of control I did dial 911, thinking that I wasn’t going to be able to defuse the situation. Two police officers show up and we give our statements, then they interview our 11yr old son - and asked him how his mom (me obviously) got blood on her, and he said "dad did it". So H was handcuffed and arrested and hauled off to jail. Looking back I hated how that was handled - BUT the arrest got him out of the house (I mean we were supposed to be separated and he was living at his moms house). They took him and in the scuffle I ended up with his backpack, laptop, phone in my possession. After getting my son situated and calm, I scoured through the phone and laptop and copied and transferred a ton of incriminating information - texts msg, fb posts, messages, photos, emails. Name address and phone number of AP and OBS name and info. Called AP - which to this day I’m not sure if I should have done that. I gifted her a glimpse of my pain and she didn’t deserve to know anything about me. But I did confront her and told her I had all her photos, emails, msgs, all of it. Funny how APs when confronted aren’t as bad ass as they think they are when they’re the dirty little secret. Now that she was outed, I called his family, a few friends, and then I called OBS. This happened on a Saturday, the day before Fathers Day 2012. I think that H and AP were planning a getaway that wknd or something. Well those plans fell apart once he got carted off to jail. Sorry to have to tell you this, but whatever date you think you're going on…is not gonna happen. #sorrynotsorryfuckers Once again - APs think they’re all bad ass when they’re hidden away and kept secret - but once their identity is revealed and all their deep dark shitty secrets are discovered, they wanna scurry away just as fast as their little rat feet will carry them. That moment when I discovered her identity - I think before, when I knew of her existence but not her identity, I had this image in my mind that she was this gorgeous, stunning woman who had her shit together. I could not have been more wrong. I remember thinking, I was worried about THIS POS?? Definitely he affaired down, like wayyyy down. I said it then and I still say it now, she was just a convenient warm body with a few holes and a mouth - nothing special. This day in 2012, was the day my H’s whole pretend house of cards started to fall in on itself. It was over. Cover blown. Rats start scurrying when things are found out. He’s stuck not able to do damage control. I actually had the upper hand. At 2am he was bailed out by his parents. It’s now Sunday. Father’s Day 2012. 6am he calls me. Contrite, filled with remorse. The scales have fallen off his eyes and he is seeing - for the first time in months - what a fucking MESS he’s made; the damage he has caused, the hurt he has brought on, the pain, the suffering. Something happened to him as he sat in that cell in his orange jailhouse jumper and orange jailhouse rubber sandals. I don’t think he - or I will ever forget the sounds of our son’s cries and sobbing. Father’s Day 2012 - he came home from that jail that morning and asked permission to come to our home to see our son. I allowed it ONLY if his parents and his brother (who was a police officer) were present. I allowed him to take our son for Father’s Day. Later that afternoon he wanted to meet - I was resistant. After all - he put me through HELL. But he was different. Maybe jail does that to a person? He vowed to be a better man, better husband, better father, better son. Forgiveness did not come easy. I will never forget what happened. Reconciliation was brutal, it was soo HARD. We immediately went into IC and did that for months before we ever considered MC. We worked our asses off. We did have another Dday in December 2022 - when I discovered flirty texts between him and an old childhood friend. The timeline from that - from the beginning to when I discovered his texts - was approximately 7-10 days. AP was confronted, I told both families, and H went NC. This was a double betrayal bc she was a family friend. After that, we went right back into IC. I’m 18 months out from Dday #2 and we’ve reconciled from that, but it’s the affair from 2012 that I think traumatized me the most if I’m being honest. This past Father’s Day 2024 marked 12 years since 2012. June is a huge trigger month for me. Father’s Day is a HUGE trigger holiday for me. But - I. Made. It!!!! I loathe the month of June.
It will be July 1st tomorrow and I spent a lot of June journaling, spilling my feelings out on paper, we are in IC. I feel this monumental sense of relief though. June didn’t "kill" me like it usually does!! We’re not perfect, we don’t have it all together all of the time. But we work our asses off for each other. There is deep love, appreciation, we complement each other, we don’t rug sweep - that was a huge issue we had to deal with and fix. We’re true empty nesters - all our kids are grown and gone, the two oldest have families of their own and our youngest child is finishing his Masters Degree - ironically, he’s studying to become a licensed clinical therapist, his specialty? Trauma therapy. I know I don’t post here often - but I do come here daily to read. I just wanted to share my milestone with the community of people that helped me get through Dday #2.
Peace and love to you all.
2 comments posted: Saturday, June 29th, 2024
I just can’t seem to handle WH having opposite sex friendships/acquaintances!
I have been in IC for over a year, him too.
One thing that I have been struggling with throughout therapy is my acceptance of fWH having opposite sex friends or acquaintances. I simply CANNOT do it. I have this roadblock in my head, this overwhelming fear that he won’t be able to maintain it as "just friends" - that HE will start to view it as more than friends. EVEN THOUGH of all the female friends he has, NONE have crossed that line. They are truly just friends. I know it’s a trigger for me. It’s been a trigger. I know this is a huge trust issue for me too. I manage to keep a lid on all this and then dump all my feelings out in IC.
The latest row WH and I just had was yesterday. So he started a new job and he’s in his 3rd wk of orientation. This Friday the new recruits will get their shift assignments. There are 4 shifts. Naturally one would want to get the "best" shift and being the new guy, he doesn’t really know which one to request. They have to do a "wish list" and number from highest to lowest the order of preference. Now backstory here. There was a female medic who worked briefly w him at his other job. She’s now at this department. So he asked her how should I list my preferences? And so she told him - and listed her shift as the top preference. So he went off her recommendations - naturally she’s going to list her shift as the best one and that’s the one he chose as his #1. And I called him out on that. I was like OF COURSE YOU PICKED HER SHIFT! I KNOW none of this makes any sense to normal people LOL. But now I’m paralyzed with fear - what if he gets her shift, what if they end up working on the same ambulance, same station? It’s like I know what is reasonable and makes sense, but my body keeps reminding me - remember? His A started off as just friends; Remember? His EA started off as just friends. Heck that EA - she was MY friend too. He is constantly telling me I have nothing to fear. He is fully transparent, I have access to all the things. So this female co-worker is like literally 20 yrs younger, she’s gorgeous. She’s on instagram and they’re friends. I have noticed that she likes to post very provocative pictures on her IG - poses where she leans wayyyy over so you can catch some cleavage. And dozens of men "like" her photos. I mean hell if I was 20yrs younger I’d flaunt my assets too. Maybe. 🤔.
Anyway I use his iPad to read my books on the kindle app. When I look at his IG - which is on the iPad - it’s nothing but fitness models, cross fit athletes, gorgeous, young, beautiful women - who mostly pose with their ass hanging out, boobs hanging out. Which ok, fine I get it. They’re selling something and the more likes and followers helps. However good lord why does husband have to like and ogle every damn photo. Including this girl’s pics?? So what’s my issue? That I don’t like him looking at pretty half naked women or that I don’t like him looking at HER provocative photos? He said that he has work relationships and that’s all they are work relationships and nothing more. I’m like okay, be friends AT WORK. Why must you be social media friends too? I mean I work too outside the home. I have a great job and I work with males and females. But I am NOT Facebook or Instagram friends with any of my male co workers. And I don’t give out my phone number for co workers to text. We use outlook or teams for messages. Is it the industry?? I’m in higher education/IT…he’s a first responder. He tells me that it’s different in his line of work. Is it really???
I feel like I’m going in circles and I’ll never get out of this rut. I feel like I’ll NEVER be okay with him having opposite sex friendships. It was NEVER this way when he was active duty (military) - prob because at that time, there were no women in combat arms. So he wasn’t deploying in co-ed groups. It wasn’t until infidelity visited my doorstep that I now feel so paralyzed with this fear that a friend isn’t really just a friend. One thing husband has a hard time with is enforcing boundaries. He likes to be seen as the good guy, and the thought of not being friends or being friendly with a female makes him look like an A-hole. Which to me I could care less - that’s the boundary, be an asshole if it means protecting me, us. I know he’s working on this - has been working on this and has made progress. So I’m like is this still a ME problem?? He’s not texting women, not going out to lunch with them, nothing like that. He’s almost done w/ his degree (he graduates in May) and his classmates have a group text - males and females and that doesn’t bother me. I just hate feeling like this. I feel like I’ll never heal. I don’t like to be labeled "jealous" either. And that is what this feels like. Like I obsess over their looks and compare. Why do I do this??
21 comments posted: Wednesday, April 3rd, 2024
Thankful to all of you
I don’t have any particular problem at the moment. We’re actually doing good - more ups than downs that’s for sure. But we’re in month 11 of dday#2 (I caught the very beginnings of an EA on 12/26/22) and I tell ya, it wasn’t the dday#2 itself that broke me - it was the re-traumatization I felt from dday#1. Dday#2 triggered TF out of me. Dday #1 was May/June 2012; WH had a 3mo EA/1 mo PA w/ an old HS classmate that he hadn’t had any contact with in 25 yrs - and then they reconnected on FB. We’d been married at that time for 16 years and I was absolutely BROKEN when this all happened. He filed for D, he got arrested, then decided he wanted to R - just a lot, lot, LOT of pain and trauma and years and years of healing to get to a place where I felt like myself again. And then 12/26/22 happened and I was just thrust back to 2012 and I know I’m still healing and working through triggers. My IC says I’m still not there yet. WH IC has been amazing - and WH progress has been remarkable. But you know I’m so jaded, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel "safe" again no matter how much "work" he does. We had a discussion yesterday about social media and digital transparency. He knows I have access to all his socials and his text messages. He asked me how long was I going to be the marriage police? He didn’t ask in a mean way - he was asking in a way that sounded like "please find a way to trust me again." And the fact is I DON’T WANT THAT JOB! I used to be obsessed with checking everything - then about 2 months ago I noticed I was checking less and less. I am DEFINITELY not like that member on here whose WH has her on the phone all day long. Heck no I do not want to be tethered like that to feel safe. The one thing that does make me feel safe and secure is when he talks about the future and will say things like "we are going to do this" or "we are going to travel to this place." He always says "we" and I notice and it matters to me. We’re not young anymore. I’m 56, he’s 52 and I tell ya, hard times can age a person. Depression, sadness, anxiety, all that crap that comes along with infidelity and betrayal can really do a number on your health. This place is a mixed bag - there are members who have successfully reconciled, some who successfully divorced, some who are doing IHS, some who are still trying to find their way out of infidelity, some who are reconciling and doing really well and probably many like me who are in reconciliation and still struggle with stuff. I still can’t sleep well, I know my health has been affected because I can feel it. That stress and anxiety and everything you go through when you’ve been betrayed - it’s hard on you. This post isn’t asking for anything in particular; I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who have shared your stories, bared your souls, talked us (me) off the ledge, gave us (me) hope, said it was going to be okay one way or the other. Be it as a R’d couple or a D’d couple - the goal is still to get out of infidelity. I visit SI every day. Every day. Sometimes I think, okay I need a break because let’s be honest some of the stories are so sad and painful - and some are downright scary. Betrayal, infidelity - that was a gift I wish I never would have received. But finding SI was the best thing to happen to me. I wish I would have found this back in 2012. I know I would have done so many things differently back then. I’m a much stronger Blackbird - this I KNOW. I have all of YOU to thank for that. So maybe this post is a post of thanksgiving (4 days late lol). I know I don’t contribute much - but I’m here, every day, supporting you, grieving with you, sharing in your pain, praying that you’ll find a way through the betrayal. Honestly this is the best bunch of anonymous "friends" I’ve ever had!!
BB
2 comments posted: Monday, November 27th, 2023
My beautiful dog has terminal cancer, devastated
I need some support. I’m so sad, so devastated. Our Saint Bernard has been having issues with his back left leg for about a year. The vet thought it was a sprain - he’s 220 lbs, so a giant breed. The last two months he’s been more lame than usual, so we decided to do x-rays. Turns out he has bone cancer, and it has metastasized to other organs. Apparently bone cancer is very aggressive. They’ve given him max 2 months to live. The cancer has compromised the bone, it’s weak and since he’s 220 lbs, we worry that he could break that bone. Amputation is not an option because he’s just too big. He’s clearly in pain. We have decided to let him go peacefully via euthanasia. I’m absolutely gutted. I’ve cried all day. My face is so puffy, my eyes are so swollen. I’m such an ugly crier. We are not okay. We are extremely devastated. Our vet will meet us on Sunday at the clinic. She is absolutely gutted too - she’s been our vet for 11 years. When we told her what the specialist determined, she cried with us. It’s just so unfair. I look at my big beautiful Saint Bernard and just feel my heart breaking inside. They say they most you’ll get out of a giant breed is about 8 years, 10 if you’re lucky. We had 4 and I feel so robbed. This is just so unfair. I want to be selfish and keep him. But he’s clearly in pain and suffering. I hate this so much. Please tell me this gets better. I will have to say goodbye to him on Sunday and I’m not ready. I’m so not ready😭😭😭😭.
15 comments posted: Saturday, October 7th, 2023
Update..4 months post WH EA
In a few days it will be 4 full months since I uncovered texts between my husband and a family friend. For context, WH had an A in 2012 (3 months EA, 1 month PA), so this new EA I discovered on 12/26/22 absolutely threw me for a loop. I struggled SO MUCH with this discovery because I felt like I was re-traumatized, taking me allll the way back to 2012 where I felt paralyzed, devastated, emotional…did I mention I felt paralyzed? After the 2012 A, husband and I worked sooo HARD to save our marriage. I know we got lazy and for the last 3-4 years we didn’t work so much on "us", taking each other for granted and drifting apart. What also makes this so complex is that husband is retired career military, multiple combat deployments, who suffered combat injuries (TBI); he has survivors guilt (he lost 10 of his men of a horrific, fiery helicopter accident in May 2006, also lost his best friend 2 months before that in a IED attack on the convoy, just horrific shit he’s been thru), and was diagnosed with severe PTSD, social anxiety disorder, depression. He retired from the army after 23 years in 2011. He struggled so hard trying to find his place in the civilian world for about a year. The A happened at about the 1 yr mark post military retirement. It took years - literally years, of IC on his end, IC on my end - and finally MC. We also did a brief period of family counseling, but stopped - I regret not sticking to that as our son (now 22) has recently told me that he still suffers unresolved trauma from everything that happened with his dad’s affair. So having ANOTHER discovery day 4 months ago. Well I was just sick. I felt I haven’t been able to gain my footing. I got immediately back into IC (H has been in IC for all his mental health stuff for years, and continues to this day). I felt so out of control. I’ve been suffering from bouts of insomnia and recently started taking medicinal grade cannabis for sleep. (That has helped immensely). IC has yielded so much progress!! I’ve been working so hard on myself. H has been doing awesome in his IC and is absolutely putting in the WORK!! I’m so IMPRESSED with his effort. He’s been planning day "dates" on his days off. We have gone to the movies, we went to Chicago for 4 days, Nashville, concerts, dinners. All planned by him! We are planning another vacation next month to visit the two older kids who live out West. I feel that I know all that I need to know about the EA. The messages that I found (texts) were very flirty, full of compliments- nothing sexual at that point. I discovered this about 10 days after it began. He reached out to this family friend first and she reciprocated. I feel - and he has admitted as much - that it was probably headed to sexting. I’m glad I didn’t see anything like that - BUT it was heartbreaking enough to see messages full of flirting, compliments. Because I WANT that from my husband. As for the "family friend". She’s NO longer a friend of this marriage or this family and this EA was outed to the everyone in our families. (she’s divorced, so no OBS to tell - BUT I did tell her pastor bc she holds some leadership roles in her church. She was removed from those roles temporarily.)
Yesterday I had IC and made some great progress - I have this fear of not being "heard" like I feel "invisible". I was raised as an only girl with 5 brothers. All my life my brothers’ extra curricular activities took precedence over mine. All my life I’ve been silenced by 5 brothers, my dad. I was raised in an environment where women had their place, be seen and not heard. I’ve always struggled with expressing my feelings, my wants, desires. At an early age I started to journal - because my thoughts and feelings had to go somewhere, I couldn’t keep them bottled up. And to this day I STILL journal. These feelings of not being heard carried over into my marriage. After my IC yesterday, I made a breakthrough. I was finally able to verbalize to my husband what was on my mind. Normally I’d shy away from speaking up for fear of conflict. But - I took a chance and he was very open to what I was saying. And he showed empathy and compassion. I was overwhelmed!! And happy. I know our work is not over. I know this from experience from what happened to us before. BUT we are survivors - I know this from being a military wife. I feel like "myself" for the first time in a very long time. I feel like my mental health is improving. AND our son (who’s away at college) is now in his own IC and doing so, soo well. I know we have a long way to go. But I wanted to post my progress - to share and for my own accountability. For the first time on a long time I didn’t have this heaviness on my chest. I have been sleeping better. I feel like the future is bright - something I struggled with 4 months ago. I was suffering from suicidal ideations 4 months ago, I was desperate, broken, not able to see a path forward. Today my future is bright, hopeful. Not just for my marriage but for me on a personal level. And I just wanted to share that.
2 comments posted: Saturday, April 22nd, 2023
Dday #2 12ish years later
Ok – today is the day that I will finally post. I’ve been stalking the boards for the last month or so, reading as much as I can. Dday #2 was on 12/26/22. I’ll try to be as succinct as I possibly can so I can share my story. It’s long and complicated. Backstory, H retired from the military 12 years ago. He served 23 years and had years of combat deployments under his belt; He was combat infantry, paratrooper, boots on the ground, first to go, that sort of thing. He was sent to some of the most dangerous hot spots in the world during his career, saw firsthand the horrors of war - death, dying, tragedy, was in remote areas months at a time being subjected to continuous enemy fire, skirmishes; involved/injured in 2 IED incidents -one in which his best friend died and 2 other of his men perished as well; was eyewitness to a tragic horrific helo crash where 10 of his men/peers were killed in the explosion. I don’t know too much of where he was or what he did – I have read the award citations, watched documentaries, saw news reports of some of the major battles/skirmishes and operations – and I know where generally where he was, but never was told specifics. Those details he keeps close to the vest. What I do know is that as the war is winding down overseas, he comes back each time from these deployments a shell of a man, more and more broken. He begins to go to IC to address the trauma (IC began about 4 yrs before he retired); When he wasn’t deployed, he was busy training up to BE deployed, then go again, then come back stateside and remain stateside and begin this cycle over again. I was the dutiful military wife, the "trailing wife" they like to call us – the ones who stay behind and handle the household, child rearing, being mom & dad, taking care of all the things while the H is away in another country in combat. Things were good – we had a good marriage, we communicated openly, he shared with what he could share, we raised 3 kids (now grown). Moved all over the world during his career, made lots of friends along the way – aside from the deployments, things were good, we were happy. Then came retirement and entering another phase in our lives. The transition from military to civilian life for him was TOUGH. In his words he went from "hero to zero". The adjustment was awful – we all suffered, he had no direction, no plan, no drive, no motivation. We were lucky that both of us didn’t have to work at that time and managed quite well with his pension. He suffered from tremendous survivors’ guilt – having cheated death SO many times, he carries the guilt of why did he live and so many of his friends didn’t? About a year into the retirement, he adopted this IDGAF attitude about everything; like for example he bought a motorcycle and would consistently ride it at speeds of 100MPH minimum on the highway, interstate – he bought a sports car and did the same, raced it on the interstate, didn’t care if he was reckless or if he died. Consequences were nothing compared with the weight of the guilt he was living with he said. I noticed at this time he was starting to be very active on social media – adding and reconnecting to old HS friends, male and female. I am an IT professional – so I kept my finger on the pulse of all the activity; he wasn’t tech savvy and I was so I had access to everything, all the devices, all the passwords etc because I had set them all up. In 2012 he stared to talk to this one female more than anyone else – eventually it turned into an EA and then a PA. I would call him out on the messaging and the content – but he didn’t care, he was careless like he wanted to be caught. But then again – he was acting in such a way that he didn’t care if he lost everything – he’d say I’m suffering so much that I don’t care what happens to me. Also it was like he was TRYING to do everything that he "missed" out on when he was active duty, deployed – like going out w/ friends, partying, drinking, behaving like a single man on social media. All these things I thought were being addressed in IC – because he was STILL in IC to address the trauma. Anyway – he asked me for a D – so I’ll call that DDay. The OW was married w/ small children that I knew – but I didn’t know her personally, only that they went to HS together. I was tired of the bullshit, he moved out and we separated and he retained an attorney – we were on the way to D. But then he started to have serious panic and anxiety attacks – one that landed him in the ER. I knew how to handle these events so guess who gets called to go calm him down? Me. I know that he was facing down the realities of losing his family because of what he had done – and that was the trigger to him having all these panic/anxiety attacks daily. We were separated but he was at our house every day – wanting to mow the yard, fix a leaky faucet – anything he could do to be around me. I still had access to his social media and his emails – and I could see that the OW was putting a ton of pressure to hurry up and D me – she had filed herself and I guess the plan was that they were going to ride off into the sunset together. (insert eyeroll here). Two weeks into the separation we had a rather nasty argument – one that escalated into him punching a cabinet door; he cut himself on the wood and of course there’s blood everywhere. My son at 10 at the time and was fully traumatized by this – and as much as I tried to de-escalate the situation, it was still pretty bad. My H wanted to go into the other room, and as he walked past me, our shoulders brushed and some of that blood transferred to my shirt and my cheek – we were in the hallway when this happened. I had called the police because of his behavior, I was scared. When they interviewed my son, he told them that my H had shoved me and that’s how I got blood on me. That’s not exactly what happened but he got arrested anyway based on our son’s statement. So he goes to jail. I ended up w/ his wallet and his phone. And I call the OW, the OWH, I blast him on social media, I call all his family, siblings, my family, our 2 kids (who were away at college) – I just tell everyone what happened. Anyway his whole house of cards is falling in on itself. The night in jail on charges of DV 4th degree (no visible injury) is his road to Damascus moment. He gets bailed out and I agree to meet on neutral ground to discuss the future, whether that’s D or R. At that point we had been married 16 yrs – I wanted R and I had demands, lots of them. I really wish that I had known about SI back then – but a lot of what you recommend to newbies is pretty much the same things that I did back them. Immediate NC – write a letter and send it, email it, carrier pigeon, smoke signals – don’t care just do it. Gave me access to all accounts, handed me his phone, I confiscated all the evidence – emails, texts, images, - I made copies of what I needed and deleted rest, and the accounts; he got a new phone with a new number and I kept the old phone (deactivated); he cut ties with all the friends and family (his cousin was BF to the OW and supported the A, encouraged it if we’re being honest) – anyone who was part and parcel to this A, anyone who encouraged, knew about it, helped facilitate it was out of our lives. I refused MC because I wanted each of us to do IC – he’d been in IC and he needed to come clean w/ his therapist about what he was doing, bc I felt like he was lying to her. I started my own IC for healing. At first this joker wanted to say that this was my fault – I pushed him towards another woman. NOPE. I refused to own that – all of what he did, he CHOSE to do that. So I told him he needed to get back into IC to figure out why his moral compass was so fucked up, why he put us at risk, why he was so willing to blow up our marriage, our family. So that was almost 12 years ago. We did IC separately, he worked on his trauma recovery, made peace with his demons, visited his friends’ graves for this first time in 14 years – that was some real healing for him. And I worked on me – I went back to school and got two more degrees in IT. We MOVED to another state! That was HUGE for me. I had a lot of triggers being in that city we lived in – places, landmarks, streets – it was tough for me and it was a hinderance to my healing so we moved out of state. So we’re doing good – we did IC for 1 year before we started MC and we did both until about 2016. (He’s still in IC btw & group therapy for PTSD for veterans). We worked really, really hard at R. Then in summer 2021 he decided that he wanted to come out of retirement and pursue a career in healthcare, something that he’d always wanted to do so I supported that and he enrolled in school. He’s a really good student, top of the class and he joins a study group that meets before class. There’s one student – a female – who I feel like he gravitated towards and they became friends and study partners. She’s half his age (he’s 50) and it just felt "off" to me – I was uncomfortable w/ the friendship and told him I was unsure about them exchanging phone numbers, becoming friends on social media. He assured me that it was on the level, just doing school stuff. He offers his phone, his school email, access to all the things – and I don’t see anything untoward, nothing that was suggest a friendship turning into a EA; all the communication is all about school – tests, quizzes, studying. So this goes on for a semester – and then after the semester they go their separate ways; he gets a job in this field, and she gets a job somewhere else but in the same field. But they maintain contact – but again what I can see it’s all work related now. So that’s about 10 months of that sporadic communication, BUT I’m still not digging it. I’m still feeling SUPER TRIGGERED by this and I tell him how I feel. He again offers access to all the communication and again it’s really benign, innocuous stuff. So I’m thinking what is happening to me that I’m so full on BOTHERED by this friendship??? So to the other BS out there – how do you feel about opposite sex friendships?? Is it possible that your WS can have opposite sex friendships given the history?? So I’m just pinging off the walls with worry and anxiety – like I’m convincing myself that something is going to happen so I become even more vigilant, hypervigilant. I feel like a spy – and since I’m a tech person anyway, I have a lot of tools at my disposal to really do a deep dive, BUT I’m feeling like I DON’T want that job!! I don’t WANT to spy on my H, I just want to TRUST him ya know? Then about mid 2022, there’s an advanced course that he wants to take that his work is sponsoring and his work is going to pay him to go to this course; it’s open to all professionals in this field, but if you don’t work there, you have to pay out of pocket several thousand dollars. So one day he tells me, Ya know so&so really wants to take this course but doesn’t have the money. I’m like SO? I have a kid in college – I don’t need to support another person’s schooling. He’s like, yea but you know, I don’t know, there’s just something about her that makes me want to help her. He’s all so wishy washy about this whole thing – I’m like WHY do you feel that YOU need to help her? Doesn’t she have her own parents? Why us? And WTF makes you think I’m willing to shell out $2K for someone I BARELY KNOW? And all the red flags and alarm bells are ringing in my head. So is this truly a friendship and he’s just some guy that wants to help this person out? Yea not happening – and I like livid at this point. We get into a pretty good row over it and I’m like you’re not her dad, you’re not her savior, not her sugar daddy, like you’re just a person she was in a class with – that’s fucking it. Period. I’m just like WHY is he so invested in this girl? He’s like well she’s married a soldier and they don’t have a lot of money (I can relate to that, but still…). I don’t care – we’re not paying shit. The end. So that was that. But I’m still pissed off that they’re still communicating. So I ask him – that’s it no more. I don’t want her to call, or text, or message on social media – I’m not comfortable. He makes it seem like I’m super unreasonable and that I’m this jealous person and he can’t have friends. And I’m all – you have proven in the past that you can’t have female friends, so this ends now. Only it doesn’t. They continue to communicate – and not only that, she enrolls in the course, find the money I guess, and THEN she gets a job at the same place he works. So now they’re in this course together and they work at the same job – although diff shifts. Still. The communication continues – and I’m just fucking OVER it. And I complain about it daily – all the time, like just stop. And he’s to the point where he says he can’t just cut off a friendship because how would that look, and he’d hurt her feelings AND anyway they work together now. He reassures me that it’s just a professional relationship and nothing more. I fucking hate this girl now, like for real, I full on HATE her. So not only am I triggered now I feel this deep hatred. Am I projecting my past anger on a person that really is just a friend? I mean given his past my mind is clouded and I’m just seeing red now. AND THEN. Something completely out of the blue happens. I find a text message that he didn’t delete fast enough to ANOTHER woman. A female acquaintance of his – someone he’s known since childhood, they grew up together. So I go do a deep dive and find a weeks worth of flirty, complimentary texts between the both of them. Was the whole friendship w/ the school person just a distraction so I didn’t see or catch on to what he was really doing?? So that’s Dday #2, 12/26/22. I find that he’s texting flirty things to this divorced woman – someone he’s known for 40 yrs at least. And of course I go scorched earth again and expose both of them on all this bullshit. I contact her immediately BEFORE these two can coordinate their stories - and she is all apologetic, ashamed, humiliated – she’s a family friend for God’s sake, so yea now the whole family – hers and ours – knows what she and him have been doing. She swears it’s only been a weeks worth of texts and that’s what he said and that’s all I was able to recover. So maybe he’s telling the truth about it only being a week – he said it was a week before Christmas he had reached out and things got out of hand. And something just DEEP within me just cracked open it seemed like. I felt like this wound that had healed over was ripped wide open, and everything came rushing out all at once. Hurt, anger, agony, pain, anxiety, betrayal; I just want to scream and cry and stay in bed. He writes her a NC email – I read it – and sends it. She writes me an email and profusely apologizes to me, says she used bad judgment, is truly sorry, she knows how this feels bc she remembers what happened to us in 2012 AND her exH was a serial cheater and she lived for years with the pain of that betrayal. Ironic huh? That she knows what this feels like BUT she’s ok to do this to another wife? She said that she soaked up the attention, the compliments and just went along with it. So now I hate everyone. And I’m so frustrated because all this time he’d been saying how sorry he was that we weren’t spending quality time together as much bc he was SOOO BUSY w/ work, and with school, work school work school that’s all I ever hear. And it’s such a slap in the face because he has NO time for me – but he has time to text the girl from school, go to study groups, text about tests and quizzes and homework, AND he has time to text flirty compliments and sweet nothings to this OW…..BUT HE HAS NO TIME FOR ME? It’s such a betrayal and I feel like I’m re-traumatized and re-victimized AGAIN. So now here we are again – I’m back in IC, he’s STILL in IC and he’s been in IC for years – he KNOWS he fucked up and he says he is committed to making things right and willing to do whatever it takes to get us back on track. First thing – get rid of the friendship, she has to go. So he deleted her from all social media & blocked her, blocked her number so she can’t text. I truly don’t think there was anything but a friendship w/ her – but still. And I’m wondering if I’ll EVER be comfortable with him having female friends? He’s a first responder and in that field you can possibly have opposite sex co- workers on shift with you. And the last 3 shift partners he’s had have been female and I didn’t have any issue whatsoever with that – I never felt threatened or uncomfortable; it was just this one girl from school that I just didn’t like her texting him, having this kind of access to him. It was her that triggered me so much. And then the EA that he was starting to have with the OW – I’m glad it didn’t turn into a PA but I’m sure it could have. He let his guard down, he hasn’t protected our marriage with boundaries, he’s been negligent in safeguarding our marriage, he’s ignored my pleas to end the friendship with the girl from school. I’m back in IC trying deal with the re-traumatization. In a months time I feel like I’m making strides in feeling like I’m not so triggered. Right now he’s doing everything he can do to make things right – he never told me that this was my fault, he knew better than to throw that at me again. His choices are his actions are causing me to react this way – so this is all on him. What he’s confused about is WHY am I so triggered by the girl from school and he’s been tone deaf on why I keep saying I feel like I’m reliving this trauma. As someone who has been dealing with his own trauma – he should know how complicated and complex this can be. He actually said I don’t know why you can’t just get over this. Fucking really? I told him how livid he’d get when people would tell him those same words; he just doesn’t see how my "trauma" equates to trauma at all when HIS trauma was so gory, bloody, tragic, deadly. I never wanted to be a BS, I never wanted to be in this club. I tell him that I wish he would have divorced me so that he didn’t drag me through all of this – I don’t deserve this, not then and certainly not now. I am sensing something that took months and months before from him – contrition. Like he’s really beating himself up over this, he’s apologetic, he’s saying sorry over and over, and willing to make changes – he says he is, and I can see things that he’s doing. He’s willing to talk to me about my feelings, helping me move past the hurt, offer a timeline, be transparent, he’s never asked me for forgiveness – he says that when I’m ready, I will be the one to give that. He lets me ask the uncomfortable questions; I tell him that our marriage as we knew it to be is now dead – we have to build new again and he says he is willing and he’s willing to work on what is broken in him that caused him to go wayward again – what things are brewing underneath the surface that he needs to address; he says that before back in 2012 he was just out to do everything and anything because he felt that he needed to "live" because life was short, you don’t know when that day might be your last so he wanted to do everything he could do with zero regard to who he was hurting or who was collateral damage along the way. One thing that triggers me – and it’s something that I can pinpoint back to 2012, was him texting and spending a lot of time on his phone. Back in 2012 when he had his A, he was always on that phone texting and chatting; so much so that NOW when I see him doing that, I started to feel panicky. That’s a trigger. And when this girl started to text him and they’d be chatting about homework I’d feel this panic start to rise in me. It’s definitely a trigger point for me. NOW I’ve asked him that when we’re together, the phones go on the charger and we don’t spend time on our phones – it’s a distraction and I need him to be present. I’m working through it. I’ve been down this road before sadly. Anyway if you got through all that, you’re a Rockstar – thank you! I guess I just need support and I needed to get that off my chest, all of it.
BB
5 comments posted: Thursday, February 9th, 2023
