Thoughts on aftermath of Dday, confronting, social media
I’m triggering pretty bad today so bear with me. Who knows what set me off today - just trying to write down my emotions, thoughts in some cohesive and coherent manner.
Firstly this:
I have so much respect for a BS who can sit on mounting piles of evidence, say nothing, while getting their life in order in advance of confronting like seeking attorney advice, preparing paperwork for legal separation, divorce, alternate living arrangements, etc. I have a hard enough time shielding my own emotions - it’s just written all over my face how I feel and I cry easily so I couldn’t hold this info close to the vest and act "normal" around anyone much less the wayward. I read in another forum about a badass BS who did just this - collected evidence and instead of a long drawn out confrontation, decided to hand the docs over and walk away. Literally walk away from the whole marriage. #RESPECT
And as much as we like to see the WH get his "just reward", catch them off guard or drop a bomb (ie separation agreement or divorce docs) and be - for the first time- the one in control, the one holding all the cards, the one controlling the pace. This is really all just so freaking SAD!!!. And for some weird human fascination, we (some, not all) come here in instances like this like we’re at the movies w/ popcorn, sipping our drinks, anxiously waiting for the coup de grace, the final blow. It just so damn sad that it goes down like this. That the wayward never ever thinks of the devastating trail of destruction they leave behind. Families destroyed. And WHY. The wayward got what they deserved - no explanation, no long, drawn out explanation, no begging, pleading for another chance. Just done. That takes giant sized balls (excuse my french) to do that!! But in reality - when the dust settles - it just makes me sad for these families. Sad for every person hurt. Heartbreaking for the betrayed, the kids (regardless of their age), for OBS and for that family - multiply the body count when it’s multiple AP’s and the totality of the loss, the damage, the devastation, the hurt, the pain, suffering, the LOSS - it’s just soo hard to wrap your head around this . So many innocent lives just destroyed. For whaaaaattttt?? And the wayward…what makes them SO entitled?? That’s a rhetorical question with dozens of different answers I’m sure. I guess I’m just pissed off that every day when I come to this site, there is yet ANOTHER family being torn apart by infidelity. And I’m no different - my family was blown to PIECES when WH had his A 11 yrs ago. And 7 months ago - catching him red handed trying to initiate another EA just infuriates me. I get that every situation is unique - I don’t know you, you don’t know me - and all the intricacies of each family’s circumstances cause each one of us to react/act in different ways that make sense to us. But what causes the betrayed to finally leave after being betrayed a 2nd, 3rd, 4th or multiple times many times over? What makes them walk after just ONE hurt? Does staying make me weak? Today I’m just angry. I guess maybe that’s the emotion I’m dealing with today.
And can we talk about SOCIAL MEDIA??? Sorry - I’m ranting bad. Don’t mean to switch gears but. I have a love- hate relationship with social media. (As I sit here on my phone typing away 🙄). I was the one in my family who resisted so much with downloading social media apps. I keep my phone on silent, oftentimes misplacing it and if the ringer is off, I’m screwed. I used to tell the kids, if you can’t reach me - text your dad, he’s always on his phone. NEVER realizing how detrimental to the marriage that behavior was! It took me such a long time to realize how easy it is to have a whole other life and alter ego on that phone. I’m in IT - and the very thing that pays the bills is the very thing I loathe. How easy it is to go incognito, use proxies, browsers that don’t track and hide your digital footprint, disappearing texts messages, Snapchat, WhatsApp, even fb messenger doesn't "save" recently deleted messages. This device took cheating, unfaithfulness, adultery, infidelity right into the digital age. How EASY it is to communicate behind your partner’s back. I have keyloggers on laptops and desktops in my home and track my network traffic on my own network using specialized software - white hat hacker stuff. I’m in IT. I know a few things. I’ve even told my kids - for YEARS - if you try to hide it, I’ll find it. Don’t do it. All the things at your fingertips. It’s so tempting to do crooked sneaky shit because tech makes it SO EASY. In 2012 my WH started an EA w a woman he went to HS with. They reconnected on Facebook. Pretty soon, my WH - who never used Facebook all of a sudden has a bunch of new "friends" - mostly classmates from HS. And mostly women. It was alarming. None of these women gave two shits about him when he was a skinny twerp in HS. And he looks nothing like that 18 yr old HS kid, he’s fit, very muscular, works out (army, hard charge kinda guy) - and he’s getting all the oohs and ahhs about how different he looks, how handsome he is, how good he looks. And he ate it up, loved the attention. Would say - I was never in the "A" group - and now all these former A groupies who were still living in the 90’s are paying attention to me - so he was enjoying all the attention. I felt like an outsider - I didn’t even know who this man was. Someone who didn’t give a shit about former classmates - someone who never was interested in reunions, barely wanted to go home on leave, didn’t care about running into or keeping in touch with old classmates. But then Facebook. Cheating at his fingertips. You go down the rabbit hole. It starts with an innocuous hi how are you doing. Then it’s a full blown EA - I wish I married you, I’m so unhappy in my marriage, I wish I could see you - all stupid NONSENSE. This is the world we live in. Maintaining trusting relationships is much more difficult with the prevalence of social media. Also - as you can imagine. Social media is VERY triggering for me. That’s the vehicle in which his infidelity was able to thrive and flourish. I hate what he did to me - all choices HE made, when if he was soo unhappy he could have chosen a whole host of different options - like how about having a face to face conversation with me? Be honest about how he was feeling - why take the NUCLEAR option and blow the whole family to pieces? I shouldn’t be "mad" at social networking sites - it’s just that having it at our fingertips makes cheating so much easier - easier to chat, easier to exchange photos, easier to plan meet ups - and easier to hide your tracks. And today I’m super pissed off at the most recent AP - the "friend" who wasn’t really a friend at all. Angry because she herself was a BS, married to a horrible serial cheater; and then all of a sudden she’s ok being the OW? Side bar: One time my WH was on a call (paramedic) and the patient was an elderly lady who was mad at her family for calling 911. They said she was disoriented and not speaking. When medics arrived, they start doing the pt assessment. She’s not saying one word. Just close mouthed. At some point my WH thinks she’s faking it - so he tries a different approach. Kicks everyone out of the room, all the family, to speak directly to the patient alone. She FINALLY starts to speak to him and the other medic (other medic was a female btw). Turns out there was nothing wrong w her she was just mad at her family and was giving them the silent treatment. But just to be sure, my WH wants to get her consent to go to the ER to be checked out anyway. She was showing signs of dehydration. She looks up at him and says Will you be going with me? He says Of course. She says Okay l’ll only go if the handsome paramedic with the dimples goes with me. LOL everyone got a big laugh out of that. THEN the female medic tells her she’s going to start the IV. The elderly woman doesn’t take her eyes off him, doesn't even acknowledge the other medic. So that medic grabs her arm, and starts to prep for the IV. When she sticks the catheter in the woman’s arm, the woman yells OUCH!! YOU WHORE!! She was hopping mad at that other medic! Anyway - anytime I think of the OW, this person who was masquerading as our "friend" I think YOU WHORE!! inside joke that only I get I’m sure!! I really hate having intrusive thoughts about this woman - hate that she takes up space in my head sometimes. And we have mutual friends on social media - even though she’s blocked - I can still see that she’s still friends of friends. I don’t want to "hate" her but we’ll NEVER be friends again - she’ll never be in the presence of me or any member of my family as long as I can help it. I’ve been working on my anger, resentment and feelings of betrayal by the OW with IC. I told my IC I come here to vent and rant. She encourages it. Along with my journaling. I’m a work in progress that’s for sure. Thanks for letting me vent!!! Feel free to comment!!
5 comments posted: Monday, July 17th, 2023
“Object Affair”? and dealing with triggers today
(For background info - my story is in my profile and in my old posts.)
I read an article recently about something called an "Object Affair". [side bar: Object Affair: An object affair can be described as pursuing an outside interest that may reach a point of near-obsession, where the interest leads to neglecting one's relationship]. It was very revealing to me - esp since over the last 6 months of IC and working on recovery, goals, commitment, communication etc I have come to realize that a lot of my issues with WH is his "all in" commitment and dedication to his job or school or training. I get that he has to be all in - it’s just that there’s never been a healthy balance. It’s always one thing gets ALL his attention (be it the EA, or school, the job, friends, whatever) and everything else suffers - and usually the one that gets the leftovers is me, the wife (or the kids when they were home - we are empty nesters now). I never thought of myself as a jealous type. But over the years I have noticed that I seem to be the sacrifice. I understand that I have to share my H with the world, with his job. Believe me, I was a military wife for years - I know how this works. He’s retired military now, but employed in a line of work in which the structure is similar to military. He thrives and excels in this environment - and I’m happy to see him succeed and thrive. The transition from military to civilian was extremely difficult so him even being ABLE to work is a miracle. My H goes all in when he’s fully invested in his job, school, or training or whatever - it’s how he’s wired, and how the military trained him. I get all that. Somewhere down the line I’d like to strike a healthy balance and we have been working hard in IC on this issue.
So the current issue I’m struggling with right now is that WH starts a 9 month training course in a few weeks, today is orientation day and consists of filing out paperwork, picking up course materials, picture taken and ID printed - AND of course being around all the other students (30). He was on shift last night so he stayed at work to be at the orientation mtg at 9. I’m sooo triggered. I feel panicked, heart racing, all the what-if scenarios going on in my head. Long story short about how this is even relevant at all is that WH has had issues with setting boundaries in the past; he’s been actively working on them over the last 6 months in IC (I’m doing my own IC, we’re not in MC - when the time is right, we will do MC again, but right now it’s IC only for both of us). Setting boundaries because the previous two training courses he was in, he got way too friendly and chummy with a particular female in his class. She now works for the same fire department that he works at, though different shifts. But she was always texting and asking him questions about school and work - initially it was just superficial stuff. They were in a study group together - where the group would meet before class. Then it was random hey how are you doing today messages, if he was out sick (he had Covid last year) she was texting him to see how he was feeling. And at the time I had told him I’m super uncomfortable with this one girl always texting you. Like asking how you are feeling is MY job. Also - how come the other ppl in the study group aren’t blowing up your phone like she always is? I was gaslit so much - there’s nothing going on, she’s half my age, you’re being paranoid, you’re making something out of nothing and the worst was when he said this is a "you" problem, not a "me" problem and you’re gonna have to get over it. I know he was enjoying the attention. And he didn’t want to give it up. So anyway - I’m a IT professional, I have access to every device, every password, I know them all because I set up my networks and all the devices we own. I can check internet traffic, sites. We share the same iCloud account so all his messages and social media is on a shared iPad and synced regularly. So I can see all messages in real time. He knows I have access - he just doesn’t know to what extent my access is. I have read all the messages between him and her and there was never anything sexual or inappropriate, but it was just "too" friendly, too chummy. And maybe I’m old school and I feel that your friendly chummy relationships should be with your wife, not your female classmates. So anyway we finally had a head to head over this back in January and he finally realized that it didn’t matter "why" I was uncomfortable, it only matters that I was and so he cut off the friendship, blocked her from SM, blocked her number, and I’m sure they might have some interaction at work in some capacity, but it’s minimal because they work on diff shifts and diff stations. Initially she was curious as to why he wasn’t answering texts and he just ignored and then blocked the number altogether- because then even he started to think it was getting weird. I saw all the texts, I still have access to all his texts. So now I’ve reached a point where I feel like we are past that - I didn’t necessarily see her as a threat, more like a thing where he was enjoying the texts too much and the attention. Ok so maybe a little bit of a threat? So how does alllll this tie into the subject of this post? An "object affair"? I think my anxiety today is me subconsciously getting ready to be pushed to the side again as his training course will take over as his number 1 priority. That will be his "object affair". AND this girl is in his class again - though he absolutely 100% knows how I feel about her so I’m sure after all these months of IC we’ve been able to address and talk about how I feel about that friendship. First it was school being the object affair, then his job really became the object affair - it’s much better now. But I had a hard time with him spending SO MUCH free time after hours texting the guys on his shift. This is still a source of contention for me at times - on his days off, on vacations, our time spent together, dates etc - they are always blowing up his phone. It’s a group chat with 7-10 other people - and while he may not respond, the others are happily chatting away, sharing jokes, memes, gossip - so his phone is receiving all those incoming messages. I have told him that wherever we go, wherever we are, we ALWAYS have 7-10 other guys "with" us. And I hate it. I struggle to figure out my "place" and I shouldn’t have to. I do admit I have trouble sharing - I have sacrificed so much as a military wife with him being gone so much, so many deployments, all those years where I was by myself raising the kids, keeping the household running - so I feel selfish in some ways and I don’t want or maybe I don’t even actually know HOW to share my husband with his job or his guy friends. I have gone off on so many tangents in the post - I guess I’m just wanting some words of encouragement. We ARE in a much better place now than we were in January. Every time he talks about the future it’s always "us" and not "me" or "I". So when he talks about future plans, they always include me in them. In a few short weeks our youngest son is headed off to the west coast to attend graduate school, so we will truly be empty nesters. He told me he is looking forward to a year from now, after he graduates from this course - and wants to plan to move to a place where we can build our forever home. (Like we just built THIS current home 3 yrs ago!). When he talks like that - I "feel" secure, safe, he’s doing all the things I’ve asked him to do to be a safe partner. I’m just ANXIOUS about this new course staring up. I’m anxious about him being BACK in the classroom training w this female. And I ask myself - is it just THIS female? or would I feel this insecure about ANY female? And I have to be honest and I admit this in IC all the time - yes I’m very NOT cool with him having female friends. Friends that are friends of the marriage, yes. But women I personally don’t know? Then no. BUT even then - his EA in Dec was with a person I considered was a friend of the family and a friend of our marriage. Turns out I was wrong. So history has taught me to be vigilant. I know I’m not the only wife that feels like that. And he knows this and he has been creating healthy boundaries and is adhering to them. I guess I’ve been down this road before, your body keeps score, I’ve been burned before and maybe mentally I’m just thinking the worst and not giving him the benefit of the doubt.
ANYWAY - sorry for the long convoluted novel - I do tend to ramble.
Thoughts? I appreciate the wisdom represented here at SI.
8 comments posted: Monday, July 10th, 2023
Update..4 months post WH EA
In a few days it will be 4 full months since I uncovered texts between my husband and a family friend. For context, WH had an A in 2012 (3 months EA, 1 month PA), so this new EA I discovered on 12/26/22 absolutely threw me for a loop. I struggled SO MUCH with this discovery because I felt like I was re-traumatized, taking me allll the way back to 2012 where I felt paralyzed, devastated, emotional…did I mention I felt paralyzed? After the 2012 A, husband and I worked sooo HARD to save our marriage. I know we got lazy and for the last 3-4 years we didn’t work so much on "us", taking each other for granted and drifting apart. What also makes this so complex is that husband is retired career military, multiple combat deployments, who suffered combat injuries (TBI); he has survivors guilt (he lost 10 of his men of a horrific, fiery helicopter accident in May 2006, also lost his best friend 2 months before that in a IED attack on the convoy, just horrific shit he’s been thru), and was diagnosed with severe PTSD, social anxiety disorder, depression. He retired from the army after 23 years in 2011. He struggled so hard trying to find his place in the civilian world for about a year. The A happened at about the 1 yr mark post military retirement. It took years - literally years, of IC on his end, IC on my end - and finally MC. We also did a brief period of family counseling, but stopped - I regret not sticking to that as our son (now 22) has recently told me that he still suffers unresolved trauma from everything that happened with his dad’s affair. So having ANOTHER discovery day 4 months ago. Well I was just sick. I felt I haven’t been able to gain my footing. I got immediately back into IC (H has been in IC for all his mental health stuff for years, and continues to this day). I felt so out of control. I’ve been suffering from bouts of insomnia and recently started taking medicinal grade cannabis for sleep. (That has helped immensely). IC has yielded so much progress!! I’ve been working so hard on myself. H has been doing awesome in his IC and is absolutely putting in the WORK!! I’m so IMPRESSED with his effort. He’s been planning day "dates" on his days off. We have gone to the movies, we went to Chicago for 4 days, Nashville, concerts, dinners. All planned by him! We are planning another vacation next month to visit the two older kids who live out West. I feel that I know all that I need to know about the EA. The messages that I found (texts) were very flirty, full of compliments- nothing sexual at that point. I discovered this about 10 days after it began. He reached out to this family friend first and she reciprocated. I feel - and he has admitted as much - that it was probably headed to sexting. I’m glad I didn’t see anything like that - BUT it was heartbreaking enough to see messages full of flirting, compliments. Because I WANT that from my husband. As for the "family friend". She’s NO longer a friend of this marriage or this family and this EA was outed to the everyone in our families. (she’s divorced, so no OBS to tell - BUT I did tell her pastor bc she holds some leadership roles in her church. She was removed from those roles temporarily.)
Yesterday I had IC and made some great progress - I have this fear of not being "heard" like I feel "invisible". I was raised as an only girl with 5 brothers. All my life my brothers’ extra curricular activities took precedence over mine. All my life I’ve been silenced by 5 brothers, my dad. I was raised in an environment where women had their place, be seen and not heard. I’ve always struggled with expressing my feelings, my wants, desires. At an early age I started to journal - because my thoughts and feelings had to go somewhere, I couldn’t keep them bottled up. And to this day I STILL journal. These feelings of not being heard carried over into my marriage. After my IC yesterday, I made a breakthrough. I was finally able to verbalize to my husband what was on my mind. Normally I’d shy away from speaking up for fear of conflict. But - I took a chance and he was very open to what I was saying. And he showed empathy and compassion. I was overwhelmed!! And happy. I know our work is not over. I know this from experience from what happened to us before. BUT we are survivors - I know this from being a military wife. I feel like "myself" for the first time in a very long time. I feel like my mental health is improving. AND our son (who’s away at college) is now in his own IC and doing so, soo well. I know we have a long way to go. But I wanted to post my progress - to share and for my own accountability. For the first time on a long time I didn’t have this heaviness on my chest. I have been sleeping better. I feel like the future is bright - something I struggled with 4 months ago. I was suffering from suicidal ideations 4 months ago, I was desperate, broken, not able to see a path forward. Today my future is bright, hopeful. Not just for my marriage but for me on a personal level. And I just wanted to share that.
2 comments posted: Saturday, April 22nd, 2023
Did your children (any age) suffer physical symptoms/health issues due to parent’s infidelity?
Long story short, WH had a total mental health breakdown in 2012 (if you read my story - he has severe PTSD from combat deployments and I explain more about that in my profile). The affair he had was absolutely traumatic and took years to heal. In fact I’m still healing. What I wanted to address was our kids - particularly our son. I have 2 daughters from my previous marriage (WH is their step dad), and we have one son together. Our son was 11 when the affair happened. He saw me in deep agonizing pain., deeply hurt, lots of crying, lots of sleepless night. Even though I tried to shield him from a lot - by the time of the affair, he had already seen his dad going thru major mental health issues from all the combat deployments he had been on. Our daughters are 10 & 12 yrs older than their little brother, and while they saw quite a bit too - the youngest saw way more than the older kids did. When the A happened, my WH asked for a D and we separated immediately. I was BROKEN. I was in a state with absolutely no friends, no family and zero support system. There were times when I would just weep on the living room floor and my son would come to me and hug on me and lay next to me. He’d bring me some water and tissue. He’d hug and console me. I tried to hide my pain but I was in so much deep hurt. He didn’t need to see all that - didn’t need to be a witness to all that. He’d seen so much already with his dad’s military career and the aftermath of war. We have a very strong bond - WH was gone so much out of his childhood doing military stuff - that me and our son were super close because I was his main parent. So going through this was very hard for my son. We did family counseling for several years when we were reconciling. After about 4 years and our son started HS we thought he was okay. He was thriving, doing well in school, involved in activities, church, had lots of friends. When he started his senior year of HS, he started to have bouts of anxiety - we took him to our family dr and she prescribed him Zoloft 25mg or 50mg - low dose. It helped quite a bit. He’s still taking it and I believe he’s up to 100mg. Still a moderately low dose. Now he’s 22. Last Dec I discovered that my H and a family friend were exchanging flirty texts. Our son was home from college at the time (xmas break) and he overheard the heated conversations (ok…arguing) his dad and I had over this. When his dad was at work he confided in me that he suffered greatly from the 2012 affair. That he WAS NOT healed from it. Honestly I feel like such a terrible parent for not paying better attention to HIS mental health. The girls are off and married with successful careers and kids of their own and they rarely ever talk to me about the affair stuff. But my son and I are very close and he comes to me about lots of things - life issues, career plans, school struggles, girlfriend problems etc. In one of my first posts I talked about how I felt "re-traumatized" when I found the flirty messages - it wasn’t sexual but it would have lead down that path if I had not found out when I did and outed both of them. I believe my son may be feeling re-traumatized too but in a different way - a betrayal of sorts by his father again. He lives 4 hrs away in another state where he goes to college. Last week he told me that he was having trouble concentrating at school. He’s a senior about to graduate and he’s headed to graduate school in the fall. He has a very high GPA and needs to maintain that in order to keep his full scholarship. He told me that he’s been having bouts of insomnia and anxiety. He told me he’s worried about his dad and I. Even though I reassured him that we’re fine, we will be fine and we’re working on us and we’re both back in IC. (actually his dad has been in IC for years due to his ptsd and combat trauma). He told me he is having thoughts of what happened to the family back in 2012. In one of my posts I wrote about the horrible argument my WH and I had back then - where he was arrested for DV bc my son thought he saw his dad hit me. He didn’t though - he brushed past me in the hallway to get away from me and we bumped and he had blood on his hand from where hit hit a cabinet door - that blood landed on my cheek. When our son saw it he though I had been hit. When police interviewed him he told them he thought he saw his dad hit me. And that’s how WH was arrested. (charges dropped, case dismissed). Ironically my son is studying to be a clinical psychologist. He has his heart set on treating combat veterans like his dad. He’s doing an internship at the behavioral health clinic on campus and is also a research assistant. I wonder if his anxiety is more due to his upcoming graduation and the stressors of school and grad school in the fall. BUT I’m sure all this new stuff w me and his dad isn’t helping matters and has probably re-triggered him. He told me last week that he made an appointment with a therapist, so he’s starting back in IC himself. I know he's an advocate of therapy - this is his chosen field. I worry about the effect our marital relationship is having on HIS mental health. I just want my son healthy. I want him to see and know what a healthy marital relationship looks like. I am proud of him for seeking help for himself. I jusIt feel this tremendous guilt that WE caused this in him. I felt responsible when he had to go on the AD 4 yrs ago. Now he’s struggling again and I can’t help but feel responsible- again. These extramarital affairs are so SELFISH. The wayward thinks that no one gets hurt if no one finds out; in reality the WHOLE family is affected. Even extended family!! The innocents are the ones who suffer so much.
What - if any - issues/problems, symptoms did your children - of any age - experience as a result of the infidelity , whether the marriage ended in divorce or you reconciled or IHS. I know adult children are affected too not just the littles. I know when my son would go to his dad’s house (in 2012), I don’t think my WH did a good job of shielding him from what he was doing. In fact I believe at one point he did tell our son he had a "gf". What an idiot. Sorry for the ramblings. Just concerned for my son.
5 comments posted: Monday, April 10th, 2023
Frustrated, angry, feel like I’m slowly checking out of my M
I don’t know what forum to post this in, so I’ll start here. I’m just so full of frustration and I’m mad and I just need to vent. Backstory is WH had an affair in 2012. Then he was caught in Dec 2022 texting with a woman who he’s known since childhood and who is a family friend. The texting was inappropriate flirty compliments between the two of them for about a week before I caught it. We are both back in IC. But things are very rocky between us. We did IC for I believe 2 years back then, and then integrated MC. We also had family counseling with our son included. We worked hard to get back on track and to build something better. Marriage is work and we got lazy. We let the foot off the gas, I got lazy about continuing IC. He still goes to IC - he does his thru the VA for PTSD and other issues. But life happened - no excuse but we just focused on other things and neglected us. My frustration now has to do with the relationship my husband has with his coworkers. He’s retired military and went back to work 10 years after retirement. He’s now a first responder and works 24hr shifts with his crew. They work 24 on, 48 hrs off. He had a ROUGH time transitioning from military to civilian life after he retired - but the work he’s doing now is very similar to the way he worked in the army. Where there’s a chain of command. He likes this environment because it’s familiar to him. And I get that and I am fine with all of that. The issue I’m having is how my husband has totally changed since getting this job. It’s looks he’s adopted this new identity - he has changed his appearance, the music he listens to, even starting to like hobbies that his co workers are interested in. He grew a mustache - which is common among firefighters apparently. It’s like he’s desperate for them to like him and accept him. One MAJOR bone of contention between us is how many texts they exchange between each other on n the daily. They start these group chats - there’s 8 ppl in the chat including WH. The chats are so juvenile (imo) - these guys (they are all guys) exchange the dumbest jokes, sometimes they share somewhat soft pornographic stuff (boobs mostly), or cut each other down, it’s like boob, fart and penis jokes all the time. Just dumb shit. We’ve been through a lot lately - he’s been in school the last 7 months to advance his career and it’s taken a toll on our quality time. So last weekend we decided to go out of town for a belated anniversary. This ENTIRE time was supposed to be all about us, all about reconnecting, but the whole time his phone is just going off. I’m just beyond pissed off. I’ve already spoken to him about the time he spends on texting and he denies it’s out of control. After we got back I decided to look at my phone bill and sure enough he and his buddies were group chatting the entire time we were on our getaway. I feel so DISRESPECTED. I knew this was going on. And I tried TRIED not to ruin the weekend by getting into a huge fight. But this is an every day occurrence. I have mentioned it to him saying it’s rude to do that when you’re home with me. I get that you text coworkers at work - but off work too?? It’s every day. Thousands of texts. Of no major substance - no cheating, nothing like that - it’s these stupid childish jokes and texts. It’s like frat boy juvenile behavior. And these men range from mid 30’s to 50. I have seen some of the raunchy jokes and frankly I’m just shocked my husband engages in this. I feel like I don’t know him anymore. I feel like he sold his soul out so that all his new friends will like and accept him. I feel he’s compromised all his values and he’s become someone I don’t recognize anymore. And to be honest. I don’t like this version. And it makes me wonder is he doing this because he wants to fit in OR has he always been this guy?? Every time I see him on that phone I swear I want to crush it to bits. I feel like these 7 men are now a part of my marriage. I feel like they are an unwelcome intrusion to my marriage. I realize I have to share my husband with the rest of the world. But every day??? I beg him for quality time - that’s what our weekend away was supposed to be. Only it wasn’t because we have these idiots part of that weekend too Last night I just lost it - because it’s ALL THE TIME. and he was off for two days but always on that phone. So before you ask - it’s not women and he’s not cheating. I have his phone synced to the iPad and his laptop so I can see all his texts in real time. We share an apple account so the iCloud is synced. I’ve asked him to tell these guys not to put him in group chats. And he is reluctant to do that because he’s afraid it’s going to make him look like he’s not part of the team or they won’t accept him. He’s in his 2nd career so this is important to him - that he’s accepted by his peers. But do you have to compromise your values - don’t you think his peers will like him and respect him more if he stands up and says I don’t want to be a part of that? OR am I the unreasonable one - is it me that doesn’t understand the culture of the fire department, of first responders and this is just how things are and I’m the one that has to suck it up?! I know when he was in the army - he was in 23 years - he and his men all connected. They were like a family. I have asked him to balance his work life and his home life. But it’s skewed. He spends MORE time nurturing and pouring into these new friends that he’s known for 10 months INSTEAD of pouring in to our relationship or the relationship between him and our 22 yr old son. I told him last night that he cares MORE about his "work husbands" than he does his real life familial relationships. Last month he had 3000 messages between work buddies and him (sent & received msgs) and only 4 - yes FOUR texts total - between him and our son (our son is away at college, doesn’t live at home). He doesn’t text our daughters, ever (they’re his step daughters) and he used to check on them periodically. (They live out of state, married w kids of their own). I’m just so OVER THIS. Last night I just hit a breaking point and confronted him - and I’m so mad at myself because I wanted to stay calm and state the facts - instead I got emotional and I was all over the place. Which made him defensive and emotional and we got no where. Went to bed mad. This morning. I woke up and I feel like giving up. I really do. I am feeling like a walkaway wife - like I’m so over pouring into my marriage and getting nothing in return. Like NOTHING changes if NOTHING changes right?? I keep telling myself that. I don’t feel like he’s invested. He told me last night that I ONLY bring up negative things. The truth is GIVE ME SOMETHING positive that I can work with!! There is a ZERO reciprocity effort. I can’t carry the whole weight of the marriage on my own. And frankly I’M TIRED. Today I feel like I DO NOT care anymore. I feel detached, disconnected. I feel like I’m not worth the investment to pour into OUR marriage. And I can’t even begin to talk about what this has done to our son - he’s confided in me but I’m not going to get in the middle of his and his dad’s relationship. That’s on my husband to work on. But when i brought it up as a comparison to the amount of texts between his work buds and our son - he got MAD and said I only bring up negative things. Part of my son’s issue - this is what he confided in me - is that he was traumatized when we were going thru divorce in 2012 after WH’s A. If you read my story - my H got arrested over an argument we had. He punched a cabinet door, hand bleeding and rushed passed me in the hallway to get away from me, he brushed against me and blood from his hand transferred to my tshirt and my cheek. He did not hit me or anything but our son (11 yrs old at that time) saw the blood and when the cops came, they interviewed him and he told them that his dad hit me. So he got arrested. That arrest is a HUGE thorn in the marriage. He blames ME for getting arrested - and the funny thing is had he NOT been having an affair, we wouldn’t have been arguing that day. He blames me for him getting angry and pushing all his buttons which resulted in the bloody hand and then him getting arrested. Every time he has to do a background check that comes up - it’s case dismissed but it still shows he was arrested. In 2012 I would have totally agreed that I pushed him into the argument and he got angry enough to punch out the kitchen cabinet door. But the me today in 2023 says fuck no - those are consequences of his choices. I don’t own that. Anyway all these years later and our son is now 22 and told me in December that he suffers trauma from that event. He has suffered from depression and anxiety - like his dad - and we mistakenly thought this was hereditary. My son has kept this from us all these years and I feel HORRIBLE that I didn’t get him in counseling back then. We did family counseling but he should have had IC. So of course last night when I brought up our son and how he feels neglected….I’m not sure even that had any affect on WH. But like I said facts like the phone bill don’t lie - and he knows what I’m saying is true. He DOES neglect the family in favor of his friends. I feel like it’s time for grey rock and the 180. I will continue my IC. He just met w his psych recently- but I’m quite sure he’s not completely honest with his IC. I think this was just a post to vent all this out. He’s been texting me from work but nothing of substance. Just checking on us, the house, the pets - normal stuff he does when he’s on a 24 hr shift. I vacillate between giving a shit or not giving a shit about this marriage. It’s funny because the EA that he had in December, he tried to say it was because we weren’t connecting. Now I fucking know why. He’s too up his friends asses to notice anything. He was looking for validation and affirmation. I’m like why? You have a gorgeous wife, a beautiful home, we live comfortably, great kids who have professional careers. Like WTF is missing - what is missing so much in this man’s life that he literally "needs" to text like a teenager all day every day. I know that’s a rhetorical question. But I’m just so frustrated at the current situation in the marriage. He makes no effort - his friends are way more important. It’s like he doesn’t know how to balance things. He goes ALL IN to one thing, effort, group, hobby or whatever and totally neglects everything else. Same with school, now work, and now these friends. I told him last night I HATED his friends. He took that to mean I want him to quit his job. I don’t really hate those friends. I said that in anger. I hate that they steal precious time away from me. I hate the fact that they get to see the very best of WH, they get the fun jokester, always laughing, cracking jokes. What do I get? After a 24 hr long shift - I get the tired, exhausted, WH - the one that wants to shower, drink coffee, hit the gym and go to bed or lay on the couch. After he rests I get the man who’s still tired, burned out from his shift and doesn’t want to share or talk about work. I work outside the home - I have a great job that I love. I always ask how his day is going, I wish him well , tell him have a nice day, I tell him be safe out there. And I get NONE of that. does it sounds like I’m keeping score. I don’t want to - but sometimes it’s so obvious what my effort is compared to his. I’m literally checking out slowly. I asked him last night - not in a hostile tone, where do we stand. Where is this marriage headed? He thinks I’m trying to trap him into saying something that might hurt my feelings. How ironic. I’m trying to get him to look inward and be honest with me about where WE stand. What does our future look like. Because if our future looks anything like this - count me out. This will NOT be my life forever. Either it changes and we change together - or nothing changes, no work is done and we just end it once and for all. We’ve been married 27 years. I feel like it’s salvageable ONLY if he’s on board and right now I don’t know who he is, who he’s trying to be, who he feels he needs to impress. I’m too old for this shit I really am. So if you got this far - thank you for listening and allowing me to vent and express myself. I know I was all over the place.
BB
12 comments posted: Monday, March 27th, 2023
How to handle NC at a funeral w/ WH’s AP?
My husbands EA was w a person he’s known since childhood; their fathers worked together He and her went to HS together, she worked with his mom in her store. This woman was married to a man who cheated on her their entire marriage - they are now divorced so there was no OBS to contact. She’s had designs on my husband for the better part of 40 yrs - hell the family knew it and tried to facilitate getting them to date in their teens. So when I found out they were emailing and messaging stupid flirty texts I did my detective work and realized it had just started - so this messaging was in its infancy - approx 1 wks worth of texting. I confronted both of them at the same time so they couldn’t coordinate a bunch of lies. I saw what I saw. There was no OBS, BUT! There was a whole family - so they got exposed to the family . But not EVERY single member of the family knows. There is now a NC in place. My husband texted and told her to never write or text ever again, no more contact ever.
The issue now is my husband’s brother passed away suddenly and the funeral is tomorrow. I’m STRESSED AF about seeing this woman tomorrow bc I know she’ll be there. I know she’ll bring her aging mom - bc these families have known each other for years.
She reached out to me after I confronted them about the texting etc. She told me she was apologetic, full of remorse, she said she was humiliated and felt guilty and so horrible about her involvement. She said she ate up the attention because she was feeling lonely but she knew it was wrong - we WERE friends! She said she is so ashamed of herself because she became the OW - and she was so traumatized by what her exH did to her and now she said she was so ashamed that she basically did the same thing to me. I’m forgiving but I don’t KNOW how I feel about her apology - I am gutted right now thinking about her being there tomorrow and having to see her. AND having to watch other family say things like oh how are you?? Haven’t seen you in years!! and hug on her not knowing the things that happened. I KNOW this is my husband’s fault for initiating the contact and opening that door with her. But because she was my friend too I feel like it’s a double act of betrayal bc they BOTH betrayed my trust. My husband just lost his brother so suddenly and unexpectedly just 3 days ago. He held his hand as they took him off life support. He’s still in shock and hasn’t quite processed all of this. He’s grieving and at times inconsolable. I don’t feel right bringing up my feelings about this woman possibly showing up to the funeral to him right now - especially since he’s so traumatized by what we witnessed in that hospital room. I definitely don’t want this to be all about me It’s definitely NOT about me - I just need advice on how to just handle my feelings tomorrow. I wonder if I should stick to my husband like glue to prevent her from coming up to us. Because YES I’m afraid she will come try to speak to me. Maybe say sorry again?? (HOPE to God not! Because that definitely wouldn’t be the time or place for that!!) If I’m with my husband the whole time or near/around him maybe she won’t try to speak to us? But I mean how do you say your condolences to the rest of the family and then skip us? I’m fully prepared to sit down and not say a word to her - I’m fully prepared to be there for my niece and nephew for their grief. I HOPE this woman has enough tact to just find a seat in the back, sit quietly, pay her respects and leave. It’s ALREADY so hurtful thinking about things they texted. And to have to see her tomorrow. Ugh! I mean would it be appropriate to contact her and ask that she NOT to come up to us?? Does that make me look petty and childish??
Thoughts? advice?
7 comments posted: Thursday, March 2nd, 2023
Dday #2 12ish years later
Ok – today is the day that I will finally post. I’ve been stalking the boards for the last month or so, reading as much as I can. Dday #2 was on 12/26/22. I’ll try to be as succinct as I possibly can so I can share my story. It’s long and complicated. Backstory, H retired from the military 12 years ago. He served 23 years and had years of combat deployments under his belt; He was combat infantry, paratrooper, boots on the ground, first to go, that sort of thing. He was sent to some of the most dangerous hot spots in the world during his career, saw firsthand the horrors of war - death, dying, tragedy, was in remote areas months at a time being subjected to continuous enemy fire, skirmishes; involved/injured in 2 IED incidents -one in which his best friend died and 2 other of his men perished as well; was eyewitness to a tragic horrific helo crash where 10 of his men/peers were killed in the explosion. I don’t know too much of where he was or what he did – I have read the award citations, watched documentaries, saw news reports of some of the major battles/skirmishes and operations – and I know where generally where he was, but never was told specifics. Those details he keeps close to the vest. What I do know is that as the war is winding down overseas, he comes back each time from these deployments a shell of a man, more and more broken. He begins to go to IC to address the trauma (IC began about 4 yrs before he retired); When he wasn’t deployed, he was busy training up to BE deployed, then go again, then come back stateside and remain stateside and begin this cycle over again. I was the dutiful military wife, the "trailing wife" they like to call us – the ones who stay behind and handle the household, child rearing, being mom & dad, taking care of all the things while the H is away in another country in combat. Things were good – we had a good marriage, we communicated openly, he shared with what he could share, we raised 3 kids (now grown). Moved all over the world during his career, made lots of friends along the way – aside from the deployments, things were good, we were happy. Then came retirement and entering another phase in our lives. The transition from military to civilian life for him was TOUGH. In his words he went from "hero to zero". The adjustment was awful – we all suffered, he had no direction, no plan, no drive, no motivation. We were lucky that both of us didn’t have to work at that time and managed quite well with his pension. He suffered from tremendous survivors’ guilt – having cheated death SO many times, he carries the guilt of why did he live and so many of his friends didn’t? About a year into the retirement, he adopted this IDGAF attitude about everything; like for example he bought a motorcycle and would consistently ride it at speeds of 100MPH minimum on the highway, interstate – he bought a sports car and did the same, raced it on the interstate, didn’t care if he was reckless or if he died. Consequences were nothing compared with the weight of the guilt he was living with he said. I noticed at this time he was starting to be very active on social media – adding and reconnecting to old HS friends, male and female. I am an IT professional – so I kept my finger on the pulse of all the activity; he wasn’t tech savvy and I was so I had access to everything, all the devices, all the passwords etc because I had set them all up. In 2012 he stared to talk to this one female more than anyone else – eventually it turned into an EA and then a PA. I would call him out on the messaging and the content – but he didn’t care, he was careless like he wanted to be caught. But then again – he was acting in such a way that he didn’t care if he lost everything – he’d say I’m suffering so much that I don’t care what happens to me. Also it was like he was TRYING to do everything that he "missed" out on when he was active duty, deployed – like going out w/ friends, partying, drinking, behaving like a single man on social media. All these things I thought were being addressed in IC – because he was STILL in IC to address the trauma. Anyway – he asked me for a D – so I’ll call that DDay. The OW was married w/ small children that I knew – but I didn’t know her personally, only that they went to HS together. I was tired of the bullshit, he moved out and we separated and he retained an attorney – we were on the way to D. But then he started to have serious panic and anxiety attacks – one that landed him in the ER. I knew how to handle these events so guess who gets called to go calm him down? Me. I know that he was facing down the realities of losing his family because of what he had done – and that was the trigger to him having all these panic/anxiety attacks daily. We were separated but he was at our house every day – wanting to mow the yard, fix a leaky faucet – anything he could do to be around me. I still had access to his social media and his emails – and I could see that the OW was putting a ton of pressure to hurry up and D me – she had filed herself and I guess the plan was that they were going to ride off into the sunset together. (insert eyeroll here). Two weeks into the separation we had a rather nasty argument – one that escalated into him punching a cabinet door; he cut himself on the wood and of course there’s blood everywhere. My son at 10 at the time and was fully traumatized by this – and as much as I tried to de-escalate the situation, it was still pretty bad. My H wanted to go into the other room, and as he walked past me, our shoulders brushed and some of that blood transferred to my shirt and my cheek – we were in the hallway when this happened. I had called the police because of his behavior, I was scared. When they interviewed my son, he told them that my H had shoved me and that’s how I got blood on me. That’s not exactly what happened but he got arrested anyway based on our son’s statement. So he goes to jail. I ended up w/ his wallet and his phone. And I call the OW, the OWH, I blast him on social media, I call all his family, siblings, my family, our 2 kids (who were away at college) – I just tell everyone what happened. Anyway his whole house of cards is falling in on itself. The night in jail on charges of DV 4th degree (no visible injury) is his road to Damascus moment. He gets bailed out and I agree to meet on neutral ground to discuss the future, whether that’s D or R. At that point we had been married 16 yrs – I wanted R and I had demands, lots of them. I really wish that I had known about SI back then – but a lot of what you recommend to newbies is pretty much the same things that I did back them. Immediate NC – write a letter and send it, email it, carrier pigeon, smoke signals – don’t care just do it. Gave me access to all accounts, handed me his phone, I confiscated all the evidence – emails, texts, images, - I made copies of what I needed and deleted rest, and the accounts; he got a new phone with a new number and I kept the old phone (deactivated); he cut ties with all the friends and family (his cousin was BF to the OW and supported the A, encouraged it if we’re being honest) – anyone who was part and parcel to this A, anyone who encouraged, knew about it, helped facilitate it was out of our lives. I refused MC because I wanted each of us to do IC – he’d been in IC and he needed to come clean w/ his therapist about what he was doing, bc I felt like he was lying to her. I started my own IC for healing. At first this joker wanted to say that this was my fault – I pushed him towards another woman. NOPE. I refused to own that – all of what he did, he CHOSE to do that. So I told him he needed to get back into IC to figure out why his moral compass was so fucked up, why he put us at risk, why he was so willing to blow up our marriage, our family. So that was almost 12 years ago. We did IC separately, he worked on his trauma recovery, made peace with his demons, visited his friends’ graves for this first time in 14 years – that was some real healing for him. And I worked on me – I went back to school and got two more degrees in IT. We MOVED to another state! That was HUGE for me. I had a lot of triggers being in that city we lived in – places, landmarks, streets – it was tough for me and it was a hinderance to my healing so we moved out of state. So we’re doing good – we did IC for 1 year before we started MC and we did both until about 2016. (He’s still in IC btw & group therapy for PTSD for veterans). We worked really, really hard at R. Then in summer 2021 he decided that he wanted to come out of retirement and pursue a career in healthcare, something that he’d always wanted to do so I supported that and he enrolled in school. He’s a really good student, top of the class and he joins a study group that meets before class. There’s one student – a female – who I feel like he gravitated towards and they became friends and study partners. She’s half his age (he’s 50) and it just felt "off" to me – I was uncomfortable w/ the friendship and told him I was unsure about them exchanging phone numbers, becoming friends on social media. He assured me that it was on the level, just doing school stuff. He offers his phone, his school email, access to all the things – and I don’t see anything untoward, nothing that was suggest a friendship turning into a EA; all the communication is all about school – tests, quizzes, studying. So this goes on for a semester – and then after the semester they go their separate ways; he gets a job in this field, and she gets a job somewhere else but in the same field. But they maintain contact – but again what I can see it’s all work related now. So that’s about 10 months of that sporadic communication, BUT I’m still not digging it. I’m still feeling SUPER TRIGGERED by this and I tell him how I feel. He again offers access to all the communication and again it’s really benign, innocuous stuff. So I’m thinking what is happening to me that I’m so full on BOTHERED by this friendship??? So to the other BS out there – how do you feel about opposite sex friendships?? Is it possible that your WS can have opposite sex friendships given the history?? So I’m just pinging off the walls with worry and anxiety – like I’m convincing myself that something is going to happen so I become even more vigilant, hypervigilant. I feel like a spy – and since I’m a tech person anyway, I have a lot of tools at my disposal to really do a deep dive, BUT I’m feeling like I DON’T want that job!! I don’t WANT to spy on my H, I just want to TRUST him ya know? Then about mid 2022, there’s an advanced course that he wants to take that his work is sponsoring and his work is going to pay him to go to this course; it’s open to all professionals in this field, but if you don’t work there, you have to pay out of pocket several thousand dollars. So one day he tells me, Ya know so&so really wants to take this course but doesn’t have the money. I’m like SO? I have a kid in college – I don’t need to support another person’s schooling. He’s like, yea but you know, I don’t know, there’s just something about her that makes me want to help her. He’s all so wishy washy about this whole thing – I’m like WHY do you feel that YOU need to help her? Doesn’t she have her own parents? Why us? And WTF makes you think I’m willing to shell out $2K for someone I BARELY KNOW? And all the red flags and alarm bells are ringing in my head. So is this truly a friendship and he’s just some guy that wants to help this person out? Yea not happening – and I like livid at this point. We get into a pretty good row over it and I’m like you’re not her dad, you’re not her savior, not her sugar daddy, like you’re just a person she was in a class with – that’s fucking it. Period. I’m just like WHY is he so invested in this girl? He’s like well she’s married a soldier and they don’t have a lot of money (I can relate to that, but still…). I don’t care – we’re not paying shit. The end. So that was that. But I’m still pissed off that they’re still communicating. So I ask him – that’s it no more. I don’t want her to call, or text, or message on social media – I’m not comfortable. He makes it seem like I’m super unreasonable and that I’m this jealous person and he can’t have friends. And I’m all – you have proven in the past that you can’t have female friends, so this ends now. Only it doesn’t. They continue to communicate – and not only that, she enrolls in the course, find the money I guess, and THEN she gets a job at the same place he works. So now they’re in this course together and they work at the same job – although diff shifts. Still. The communication continues – and I’m just fucking OVER it. And I complain about it daily – all the time, like just stop. And he’s to the point where he says he can’t just cut off a friendship because how would that look, and he’d hurt her feelings AND anyway they work together now. He reassures me that it’s just a professional relationship and nothing more. I fucking hate this girl now, like for real, I full on HATE her. So not only am I triggered now I feel this deep hatred. Am I projecting my past anger on a person that really is just a friend? I mean given his past my mind is clouded and I’m just seeing red now. AND THEN. Something completely out of the blue happens. I find a text message that he didn’t delete fast enough to ANOTHER woman. A female acquaintance of his – someone he’s known since childhood, they grew up together. So I go do a deep dive and find a weeks worth of flirty, complimentary texts between the both of them. Was the whole friendship w/ the school person just a distraction so I didn’t see or catch on to what he was really doing?? So that’s Dday #2, 12/26/22. I find that he’s texting flirty things to this divorced woman – someone he’s known for 40 yrs at least. And of course I go scorched earth again and expose both of them on all this bullshit. I contact her immediately BEFORE these two can coordinate their stories - and she is all apologetic, ashamed, humiliated – she’s a family friend for God’s sake, so yea now the whole family – hers and ours – knows what she and him have been doing. She swears it’s only been a weeks worth of texts and that’s what he said and that’s all I was able to recover. So maybe he’s telling the truth about it only being a week – he said it was a week before Christmas he had reached out and things got out of hand. And something just DEEP within me just cracked open it seemed like. I felt like this wound that had healed over was ripped wide open, and everything came rushing out all at once. Hurt, anger, agony, pain, anxiety, betrayal; I just want to scream and cry and stay in bed. He writes her a NC email – I read it – and sends it. She writes me an email and profusely apologizes to me, says she used bad judgment, is truly sorry, she knows how this feels bc she remembers what happened to us in 2012 AND her exH was a serial cheater and she lived for years with the pain of that betrayal. Ironic huh? That she knows what this feels like BUT she’s ok to do this to another wife? She said that she soaked up the attention, the compliments and just went along with it. So now I hate everyone. And I’m so frustrated because all this time he’d been saying how sorry he was that we weren’t spending quality time together as much bc he was SOOO BUSY w/ work, and with school, work school work school that’s all I ever hear. And it’s such a slap in the face because he has NO time for me – but he has time to text the girl from school, go to study groups, text about tests and quizzes and homework, AND he has time to text flirty compliments and sweet nothings to this OW…..BUT HE HAS NO TIME FOR ME? It’s such a betrayal and I feel like I’m re-traumatized and re-victimized AGAIN. So now here we are again – I’m back in IC, he’s STILL in IC and he’s been in IC for years – he KNOWS he fucked up and he says he is committed to making things right and willing to do whatever it takes to get us back on track. First thing – get rid of the friendship, she has to go. So he deleted her from all social media & blocked her, blocked her number so she can’t text. I truly don’t think there was anything but a friendship w/ her – but still. And I’m wondering if I’ll EVER be comfortable with him having female friends? He’s a first responder and in that field you can possibly have opposite sex co- workers on shift with you. And the last 3 shift partners he’s had have been female and I didn’t have any issue whatsoever with that – I never felt threatened or uncomfortable; it was just this one girl from school that I just didn’t like her texting him, having this kind of access to him. It was her that triggered me so much. And then the EA that he was starting to have with the OW – I’m glad it didn’t turn into a PA but I’m sure it could have. He let his guard down, he hasn’t protected our marriage with boundaries, he’s been negligent in safeguarding our marriage, he’s ignored my pleas to end the friendship with the girl from school. I’m back in IC trying deal with the re-traumatization. In a months time I feel like I’m making strides in feeling like I’m not so triggered. Right now he’s doing everything he can do to make things right – he never told me that this was my fault, he knew better than to throw that at me again. His choices are his actions are causing me to react this way – so this is all on him. What he’s confused about is WHY am I so triggered by the girl from school and he’s been tone deaf on why I keep saying I feel like I’m reliving this trauma. As someone who has been dealing with his own trauma – he should know how complicated and complex this can be. He actually said I don’t know why you can’t just get over this. Fucking really? I told him how livid he’d get when people would tell him those same words; he just doesn’t see how my "trauma" equates to trauma at all when HIS trauma was so gory, bloody, tragic, deadly. I never wanted to be a BS, I never wanted to be in this club. I tell him that I wish he would have divorced me so that he didn’t drag me through all of this – I don’t deserve this, not then and certainly not now. I am sensing something that took months and months before from him – contrition. Like he’s really beating himself up over this, he’s apologetic, he’s saying sorry over and over, and willing to make changes – he says he is, and I can see things that he’s doing. He’s willing to talk to me about my feelings, helping me move past the hurt, offer a timeline, be transparent, he’s never asked me for forgiveness – he says that when I’m ready, I will be the one to give that. He lets me ask the uncomfortable questions; I tell him that our marriage as we knew it to be is now dead – we have to build new again and he says he is willing and he’s willing to work on what is broken in him that caused him to go wayward again – what things are brewing underneath the surface that he needs to address; he says that before back in 2012 he was just out to do everything and anything because he felt that he needed to "live" because life was short, you don’t know when that day might be your last so he wanted to do everything he could do with zero regard to who he was hurting or who was collateral damage along the way. One thing that triggers me – and it’s something that I can pinpoint back to 2012, was him texting and spending a lot of time on his phone. Back in 2012 when he had his A, he was always on that phone texting and chatting; so much so that NOW when I see him doing that, I started to feel panicky. That’s a trigger. And when this girl started to text him and they’d be chatting about homework I’d feel this panic start to rise in me. It’s definitely a trigger point for me. NOW I’ve asked him that when we’re together, the phones go on the charger and we don’t spend time on our phones – it’s a distraction and I need him to be present. I’m working through it. I’ve been down this road before sadly. Anyway if you got through all that, you’re a Rockstar – thank you! I guess I just need support and I needed to get that off my chest, all of it.
BB
5 comments posted: Thursday, February 9th, 2023
