Me again.....or what's left of me. After a failed attempt to end the pain and absolute despair I feel, I am back on here to read and re-read the very kind words, wonderful suggestions and to thank everyone for their virtual hugs, comments and genuine concern. I would love to say I am better, but I am far from it. However, I have had some mandatory counselling, have a regular daily phone appointment with the crisis line, weekly doctors appointments and find solace in this forum.
It all came to a head in the space of a few days when my furnace broke, I found out my dog needs $3500 life saving surgery, my brakes failed on my car, my debit card was compromised, the chip on my credit card stopped working and I ran into "him" with another new woman as they were "carrying on". He has a new tattoo, has lost his belly and in all honesty, looked amazing. I could not find a reason to continue to live with my devastation knowing how happy he is. The pain was debilitating and I needed it to end. The look of pleasure and enjoyment on his face, the laughing, the cuddling, the kissing.....I literally threw up. I literally had had enough.
As I was laying on the floor, my dogs found me. At first they were excited to see me then they realized "mom" was not alright. They laid their heads on my chest and just laid with me. I realized no one would know they were alone. No one would come to take care of them. They would be as alone as I was feeling. They would suffer needlessly. I loved them. I owed them better. They deserved better. With that, I called the crisis line.
Reading these posts make me cry. The words resonate. They do make me feel cared about. People here seem to care more then he ever did. it is extremely helpful, it is. Sadly, it doesn't change the absolute agony I am living with. The loneliness screams so loud I can't hear anything else. So many have come through to the other side, but for me, since everything that could go wrong is, I find it hard to believe that I will be so fortunate. As horrible as it is to say, there is a sense of peace in the thought of not having to wake another day to deal with the pain. When you exist to try to not cry, to try an work, to try and turn off your mind, it just seems easier to give up and just be done. Who would miss me? How would anything in this world be worse for me not existing? Well, my dogs. I realize I would be hurting my dogs.
The person who chooses to no longer live doesn't hurt anymore and with no family or friends to care, it seemed logical. The very illogical, seemed logical.
A few of you have expressed how you felt after your DD and it was as if I wrote the words myself. I have copies of many of the posts that I carry. A reminder that others have felt like this and survived. I read and reread them many times a day . I read all the posts many times a day. Now when I am spiraling down, I read these posts and all the posts on this site. People survive. People move on. People learn how to live. I want that to be me as well. BROKEN and OBLITERATED are two words that sum up how I feel very well. DESTROYED, INCAPACITATED WITH PAIN, and UTTERLY ALONE are good choice of words as well. I feel so anxious that every second of every day feels like doomsday, like an apocalypse. I can barely breathe. All things others have shared.
Thank you everyone for caring. I feel like a lost cause to be honest. I feel like a weak, desperate shell of a being but I will continue to read and reread everyone's suggestions and kind words. I am trying very hard to follow the advice everyone has so graciously given, even if it sounds like I am not. I am just not having much success doing so......YET.
I was broken. I mean B R O K E N. I was like you - everything I saw reminded me of him. At that time we had been married 16 yrs. So my life was 100% intertwined with his. We had children together, we had pets, grandchildren! My days and nights in those early days were spent on the floor, sobbing. So much I would throw up. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I lost 20 lbs like *that*. I prayed for sleep to hit me so I could fall asleep and just not think. And when the sun came up it was dreadful - it was yet another day in utter hell. I had no friends nearby -
So why am I telling you all of this about me?
I'm telling you this because even though I am 100% a certified badass, dday and my xwh's infidelity emotionally and mentally OBLITERATED me. Even with my resilience and emotional intelligence, I literally had NO IDEA how to process it. None. I considered killing myself. I considered harming myself. I started having panic attacks, including one in which I left work and drove an hour home with no memory of the drive. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep without medication. I couldn't focus on anything. I was an absolute wreck and felt like a shell of an actual person that would never feel completely human ever again.