Hello everyone. Thank you for checking in. I am still here. I am reading and rereading everyone's words. I cannot thank you all for taking the time to respond and try to offer help. You all are my lifeline. More than I actually realized.
I will take the time to look into BPD, Graziella123. My doctors seem to think the extremes lows are more from the part of my brain that was compromised when I had the brain surgery to try and remove the two brain tumours I had. The tumours were in two areas of the brain( near cranial artery and on the optic nerve right frontal lobe)linked by a long tail connecting them that weaved through the center of my brain as well. Since a part of one in the right frontal lobe still remains, that area is still affected. Meds are risky, very risky. So many of them can cause brain bleeds or seizures. Every medication must be scrutinized by my neurologist and my neurosurgeon. Unfortunately antidepressants are on the list of dangers. I am on some milder meds, low doses. I cannot say they have really made a difference. They are concentrating on trying to help me sleep. Lack of sleep poses a huge risk as well.
Whatever the cause, the extreme feelings of despair, loneliness, devastation and pain are very real, overwhelmingly real, exhaustively real. I just cant seem to escape them.
I am desperately trying NC. His social media accounts are open and I don't look. He hasn't contacted me in weeks and I haven't contacted him. That being said.........
He posted today all over his social media a video of why men "cheat". It basically states it is because their woman doesn't fulfill their needs. The video talks about how men give women a blueprint of what they need and how to tend to their needs and we as women often don't listen to what they are saying and then we wonder why our men are unhappy and cheat. It further states that women need to learn to listen to what their man is saying they need to stay content in a relationship. It was compared to when you take a job and are given a list of duties and expectations.....you cannot ignore what is said to you and just do your own thing. A woman hosts this video!!!!! My messages blew up from people telling me I made him unhappy and that I should have known he was unhappy. I should have known I would lose him! I had no idea what was going on until my associate told me he had blown up his social media with videos like this one justifying his actions. Videos that women host too to make it seem like even women agree with this logic.
It was like the twisting knife being inserted over and over all over again. I was at work when the messages starting. The tears are flowing. The trembling is back. I turned off my phone but the darkness came racing in like a tornado in my head.
He got what he wanted. Why does he have to continue to embarrass me on social media. Why is it all these people BELIEVE HIM???????????????????????????????????????????? Why is it that all I did was love a man and try to make him happy and now I am the villain????????????????? Why the hell cannot I not just see him for the lying scum he is and let go? Sadly it isn't about just him and I. because he is a member of a large biker community, it has become common knowledge and everyone seems to have an opinion. He has hundreds of friends. I have none. He has support.....I am being beat down. It is killing me slowly...emotionally day after day.
When everyone constantly blames you for the failed relationship you have to wonder was it me? What didn't I see? We were cuddling and planning his birthday getaway minutes before I found the texts. I was oblivious. We didn't fight. We laughed all the time. We did everything together. We were making so many summer plans. I was the love of his life one minute and the toxic bitch who didn't fulfill his needs in the relationship the next. He was "bored". We were "stale". That's what he told his mother. He tells his friends I was misérable, toxic and it sucked the life out of him to be around me. Will this ever end?
It is hard enough that he ran to her while I lay crumpled in a heap of my own tears on the floor.....but he perpetuates the pain continually by being where I may be, by posting sh**, by spreading lies about me throughout his "brotherhood". I never knew so many people, both men and women would stand behind someone who can destroy someone's life as he did mine.
The last few weeks more and more of the things I owned before he and I came together I am discovering are gone. He gave them away as we didn't "need two sets of everything as we were a couple after all, for life. He has taken most everything and now I am finding I have to replace so much.......financially this is killing me. I wanted to take a camping chair and sit by the river.....HE TOOK THEM! I needed a screwdriver.....GONE! He is an ex chef....my knives....GONE! I had a beautiful set of knives before we came together but he had a professional set so he donated mine. This is the story of most everything. It keeps the devastation real...and alive.
I know they are possessions, but every day I go to get something I need only to discover its GONE! Do you know he took all the spices too? His logic is if he bought it, its his. Really...just because you did most of the cooking, I paid for all the groceries! How about the fact you donated all my stuff?????
I needed to post. I needed to read everyone's thoughts. I needed this to not just go drive into a wall on my way home. I need the pain, hurt, embarrassment and devastation to end. Weeks ago the only end I could see was............ I would lie if I said I don't think about it often.........it is or was the easier solution......but I must be slowly getting a little better because HE WOULD LIKE THAT TOO MUCH! IT WOULD FEED HIS EGO EVEN MORE! and he's gotten away with too much already.
This sums up how I feel TODAY......this will never end. The pain seems endless. The hurt more powerful than any feeling of hope.
Here's begging every known force in creation to make tomorrow a better day. :(