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Newest Member: PMSandvig

Just Found Out :
I give up I am not strong enough to endure

Topic is Sleeping.
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 10:32 PM on Friday, July 7th, 2023

How are you doing, Devastated? It's been a little while. Will you check in?

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3470   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8798635
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:38 PM on Wednesday, July 12th, 2023

Hey devasted- thinking of you. How are you doing?

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6016   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8799164
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:19 PM on Wednesday, July 12th, 2023

Hi, please check in.

Sending a virtual hug...

posts: 12155   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8799172
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Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 10:58 PM on Wednesday, July 12th, 2023

Thinking of you D,
Please check in with us.
Hugs.

BB

Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996
DDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month
DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk)
Reconciling and doing well.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8799179
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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 7:42 PM on Thursday, July 13th, 2023

Thinking of you too D. We are all here for you. Please check in with us.

posts: 266   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8799279
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Lostwings ( member #79902) posted at 9:41 PM on Thursday, July 13th, 2023

Hello D,

How are you ? Please check in with us. We are all rooting for you . You have many friends here .

Stay strong and hugs !!

I thought it was love at the end of the rainbow , but a banshee came and almost destroyed my pot of gold . In R.

posts: 115   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8799298
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 Devastated16 (original poster member #82864) posted at 2:37 PM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023

Hello everyone. Thank you for asking. I would be lying if I said I was okay or better. I was in hospital for a week. The darkness won. He won. She won. I am lost.

I am under doctors care. Hasn't helped but it was ordered.

Some revealing information, some nasty comments, some financial repercussions, the loneliness, the overwhelming sadness, a birthday that passed without recognition by anyone, a shocking accidental run in, another lost "friend" who believes his lies and the day to day emptiness of my own thoughts name voice just allowed the dark to convince me it was easier to just stop fighting.

He frequents all the places we used to go and he still does all the things we used to to but with other women. He told someone that he stopped loving me a long time ago and I was lucky he stayed as long as he did. Stayed? I kicked him out when I caught him. He has admitted he is glad he got caught as it saved his own happiness. Without a doubt, everyone says he is happy and living life to the fullest. He is the life of every party. People love hanging with him and he has endless support. I have endless pain and no one. There is only so much emptiness a person can endure.

Coming home to emptiness. Coming home to all the unfinished projects. Things have broken and I have no idea what to. Four dogs to care for alone is so hard when I feel so much despair.

I am not a young woman. And the best years of my life are behind me. The thoughts of being alone the rest of my life was so upsetting I couldn't stand the thoughts any longer.

I tried going to a meet up to make some friends. Basically they all knew each other and I was just ignored. It just reminded me once again how impossible it is for me to start over. I wish I had a few friends....any friends.

My logic .....I have no friends, no family, no partner. Who would miss me? What do I have to look forward to......endless loneliness? work then home to silence and my own thoughts? there is no fun, no Excitement, no joy, no anything. There is endless despair and complete emptiness.

When you have no hope and joy , life seems like an endless cycle of misery.

People judge. Well they can judge. Not sure anything could hurt me anymore than the agony I am living with.

Dealing with the pain takes too much effort. I just cannot rise above the intense Debilitating sadness I feel every second of every day.

The therapist says expressing my sadness is supposed to help. I am not sure anyone UNDERSTANDS EXCEPT people here. Even then I am sure people here wonder why I am so weak. You have all endured. S so many have come out the other side. Why can't I? Maybe I am truly as pathetic as he thinks I am.

posts: 51   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Canada
id 8800167
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 3:07 PM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023

Gently, devastated, you have to focus on healing. I know. It's hard.

Right now you have a choice. You can choose to find something to do in the evenings to get away from your thoughts. Volunteer, take a class, learn how to play tennis or whatever interests you, join a book club at your local library, sign up for a yoga class, join a gardening club, anything to get you out of the house. Just baby steps. You WILL make friends or acquaintances along the way.

Please stop concentrating on what he is doing, and focus on you! Why would allow them to "win." IMO you've won by getting yourself out of infidelity. Anyone who is keeping you informed about what he is doing, just tell them you no longer want to hear it. NC means NC.

He's gone and being miserable is only hurting you. You need to stop caring about what he thinks.

There's still a lot of life to live no matter how old you are.

Are you on anti-depressants? They will definitely help take the edge off.

posts: 12155   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8800171
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:26 PM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023

Thank you for checking in , Dev. I am glad you are under doctor’s care. This shit is HARD. It is a TRAUMA.
You are not weak. You have had the run ripped out from under you and your STBXWS has shown no regret or remorse. IT SUCKS.

We understand your pain. We really do. Many of us took dark turns-I turned to some cutting and drank too much, others had their own demons. Here’s the thing we know since we walked that road — it DOES get better. It takes longer than anyone wants, but it can be better.
For now, stay under doctor’s care, take anti-depressants if prescribed, stay in IC.
And every day find one thing - just one thing - that makes you happy. Maybe it is the sunset, or a hummingbird at the feeder, or the sounds of a child’s laughter at the play ground. Maybe it is your dog being ecstatic at a belly rub. Or the perfect shade of toe nail polish or an amazing slice of pizza. And journal it. Count those good things and blessings. They are there, but the dark is overshadowing them, so you have to seek them out and count them.


And keep posting. We are here.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6016   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8800192
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 5:03 PM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023

You can rebuild.it is possible. My sister has been a recluse for years due to social anxiety, only going to work. She was even prescribed a therapy animal. Then she somehow got connected with the local Army and Navy, started helping out, and has developed a great social circle which gets her out a few times a week. She is a completely different person now.

Give yourself grace and time. It will get better.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1825   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8800195
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SackOfSorry ( member #83195) posted at 1:09 AM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

I'm glad you gave us an update. I'm glad you are under medical care. I pray it helps. There are a lot of us here thinking about you, sending positive thoughts and wishing we could help.

Me - BW
DDay - May 4, 2013

And nothing's quite as sure as change. (The Mamas and the Papas)

posts: 113   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2023
id 8800253
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Organic2003 ( member #69811) posted at 5:36 AM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

Dear ((Devastated))

Thank you for the update! So glad you are with us the world needs you. We need people like you that actually loves and cares.

Please love and care for yourself now.

Take my big bear ((hug)) and love!

Organic

There is opportunity in EVERYTHING

posts: 187   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2019
id 8800273
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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 1:13 PM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

Thank you for checking in with us Dev. We are all rooting for you. As others have said you are processing trauma after your world was upended in such a cruel way by someone you loved. No wonder you feel so low. I wish I could take the pain away from you.

It is emotionally gruelling, but I PROMISE you it gets easier.

Sorry to hear about the accidental run in, that must have been awful. I’m 1.5yrs out but that would floor me if I ran into my ex. My heart goes out to you.

I really feel that your ex is emotionally abusive. The cruel comments. Especially this:

‘He told someone that he stopped loving me a long time ago and I was lucky he stayed as long as he did. He has admitted he is glad he got caught as it saved his own happiness.’

This is really cruel. It’s emotional abuse. Every time he does this I can imagine it must be re traumatising for you. Is there anyway you can stop contact?

I speak from my own experience that continuing contact delays healing. Especially if they are emotionally abusive, it just re traumatises you. I know it’s hard to let go, but it is where the healing begins.

It terms of him being ‘happy’, I do not believe this to be true. For him to be so unnecessarily cruel suggests that he has major issues.

Sending you a hug and strength.

posts: 266   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8800285
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Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 2:07 PM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

Hi Dev,
I’m so glad you came back to update us. It seems that you know what you should be doing, but your hurt heart keeps reeling you back to those very strong emotions, thoughts, feelings, memories. I know we’re just a bunch of internet strangers -but we do deeply care about you, about your healing, and helping you on your path OUT of infidelity. I know it’s hard to take advice. ESPECIALLY when we’re not in your exact shoes. We can share our heartache, our experiences - in the hopes that by sharing you can see - and FEEL - that you are not alone. Not truly. You’re also dealing with some major health issues - I’m pretty sure that’s an added stress to your already fragile self. You needed a strong , faithful and supportive partner to get you through your illness. And you didn’t get that - and Dev it’s NOT fair. We know it’s NOT fair. None of this is fair. It freaking SUCKS. You feel that you have to do EVERYTHING alone. You look around and I’m sure the emptiness just engulfs you. Like BarelyBreathing said - THIS SHIT IS HARD. It’s trauma. I used to tell my WH, it’s like having your heart ripped out, breaking into a million pieces, and then be asked to put it back together perfectly. And that’s just not reality. Your wounds - they’ll heal eventually, but you’ll still carry those scars. It’s HOW we handle the scars and the healing and that journey. We all want to see you get better - we want you to feel better. Your WH is brutally cruel to say those awful horrific things about you. You’ve been letting him live rent free in your brain. I know you’re mourning the loss of the life you once had. Where you thought you felt safe and secure. But Dev….were you really safe and secure. Was he ever a safe partner? Further on down the road, one day soon, hopefully you will see how much this man dragged you down. How cruel and abusive he was and still is to you. You are a human being - a whole person WORTHY of being loved unconditionally, treated with love, kindness, compassion. He isn’t capable of being that person for you. He didn’t "win" - and the "she" you refer to - who’s that? His 3rd side chick? He isn’t capable of fidelity, he doesn’t know the first thing about being a faithful husband. He’s just not that guy. He needs to be knocked off that pedestal you have him on. He is NOT the prize, YOU were the prize. What you had to offer, he was so blind and selfish that he walked right past that - to the newest shiny thing. And he’s already proven that when he tires of that shiny thing, he’s gonna be back out on the prowl looking for the next shiny thing. You are WORTH more than that. I know all this stuff we say is logical, rational - and we know that you’re right in the thick of it every day so making these moves, taking these steps is HARD to do because your heart and your mind keeps going back to what you lost. The life you had. It’s not easy. It’s literally taking it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Making a concerted effort - no matter how f’ng HARD it is - to put one foot in front of the other. Lots of folks have suggested counseling, meds. And I know that’s challenging for you because of logistics, finances and you have a health issue that can make prescribing medications tricky. It’s A LOT Dev - and we know this is hard for you. I don’t have the magic answer - I wish I did. I just know you gotta feel all of this, you gotta walk through this, you gotta do all this to get yourself to the other side - to be diligent, intentional, deliberate about healing. Sending you big virtual hugs Dev. Please keep posting here - keep checking in, updating us.
BB

Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996
DDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month
DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk)
Reconciling and doing well.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8800291
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Graziella123 ( new member #83631) posted at 5:59 PM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

I have an extremely strong feeling that you suffer from borderline personality disorder. Can you please ask your doctor about this or research it online? I have a few good friends who have BPD, and your experience is identical to theirs.

People who have BPD seem to experience emotions more vividly than regular people, especially when those feelings are related to abandonment. While there has been a lot of great feedback on here about the way normal people handle these feelings, they may not be working for you because you may have more complex issues that need special type of treatment. But the good news is it can be treated; you just need to know what the right tools are.

Personally, what I noticed about my two friends who have BPD is that they spiral in what appears to be an uncontrollable manner after a breakup. This is because during the relationship, they tended to base their entire identity in their relationship with the other person. When they are left alone, they do not know who they are without their loved one. What I particularly see in your case that reminds me of them is the obsessive loops of imagining that they know what the other person is feeling. Without special tools, they struggle to escape that loop.

I understand that you might not want to take the time or energy to look into this diagnosis, and it would be a lot of learning and experimentation to figure out how to cope during these periods of loss in your life. Especially now when you're feeling totally drained, that might seem like too much. However, maybe it will give you relief to know that this isn't in your head. This is probably a mixture of biochemical differences in your body along with formative life experiences where you didn't feel supported and loved. You're not crazy, you're not lazy, and you're not stupid for being unable to deal with your emotions the way other people do. This is literally the way you are wired.

But as you have learned, it is really difficult to go through your life with untreated BPD. It can be one of the most difficult mental diagnoses out there IF you continue to leave it untreated. I do know again from experience, though, that if you're willing to do the work, you can overcome a huge chunk of the thinking that is causing this bottomless grief and you will never have to face it again once you learn the coping mechanisms.

One of my friends who has BPD refuses to recognize her diagnosis (suggested by her doctor not just me lol), and she is getting more and more beaten down every year. She continues to enter relationships with the same mind frame, and she's not doing the cognitive behavioral therapy work to change the way she approaches her view of herself and others. I worry about her prognosis in the long run.

However, my other friend Amy discovered her own diagnosis, and she recognized herself in it. She has done so much work over the past few years, and she is doing so well right now. She's uncovered some significant subconscious beliefs she has about herself and love, and she has identified negative loops of behavior. She now knows when she starts to enter those loops, and she has found effective ways to stop that obsessive thinking. She finally found a healthy, loving relationship after a few years of working on herself, and she seems happy and stable.

I know that you are hurt, tired, and probably feeling hopeless about the future. I don't know what to say to inspire you. You may not have friends or family that you feel you need to do this work for. I personally think your dogs sound like enough of a reason. They would miss you. However, YOU are enough of a reason. Don't you want to know the rest of your story? It can't always be more sadness and pain. Look around in the world. Nobody's story is continuous sadness and pain. Who knows what the next chapter holds? It could be you doing the work and finding the most rewarding and happiest time of your life. And while I hate to define happiness in terms of relationships, you could just be months away from meeting the true love of your life who will make you realize what a loser your ex was. You might also just be months away from watching your ex totally crash and burn!

The point I'm making is you can stop this pain but probably not through the regular means that most people will suggest to you. You will probably have to find the special mix of medications and cognitive behavioral therapy that will help you to overcome the debilitating emotional disability that you suffer from. You wouldn't keep walking around on two broken legs, but hopefully you also wouldn't kill yourself for having two broken legs. You would seek out the right type of treatment and understand that eventually those legs will heal. Your heart and your mind are like this, too.

Please just take a few moments to look at the key symptoms of BPD to see how many apply to you. I know that just through what you told us here, I have seen at least three or four of the major identifiers in your reasoning and behavior. Just take a few minutes to read through that, and let me know if you think it might apply to you.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8800432
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SackOfSorry ( member #83195) posted at 11:14 PM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

Graziella, she explained on page 2 that her brain tumour removal is affecting her emotions.

Me - BW
DDay - May 4, 2013

And nothing's quite as sure as change. (The Mamas and the Papas)

posts: 113   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2023
id 8800463
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Graziella123 ( new member #83631) posted at 3:01 AM on Saturday, July 22nd, 2023

Yes, I remember reading that, but there are elements of her reasoning and other life experience she has posted about in the past that would indicate something bigger and also something that predates the brain tumor. It would be really awful for her to think that this is a permanent condition related to a brain tumor that she cannot change, and that might impact her decision to end her life. I personally think that it is something rooted way earlier in her life, that could be treated properly. It certainly couldn't help her to explore the path, and maybe that will give her hope for the future.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8800488
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:21 PM on Saturday, July 22nd, 2023

Hi, Devastated, I hope you are able to get yourself out of the house this weekend.

In the early days after my D-Day, I'd take my computer and find a local coffee shop and enjoy a hot latte and just stay there for about an hour to clear my thoughts.

Please do something to get yourself out of your environment this weekend! Anything, get your nails done, take your dogs for a long walk, being out of the house will help you take baby steps toward healing.

A huge virtual hug.....

posts: 12155   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8800570
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 1:26 AM on Sunday, July 23rd, 2023

Hugs devastated. You have people who care…. Don’t forget us.

Standing tall

posts: 2220   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8800587
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Questioningall ( member #43959) posted at 12:59 PM on Sunday, July 23rd, 2023

Devastated, you’re comparing your insides to your WS’ outsides. He’s on at least his third woman since you. He hasn’t had some grand happy ending-he’s had a series of failed relationships. It sounds like "the life of the party" is putting on a show.

What do you like to do? I ask because there was a time when I could tell you all about my husband’s likes and dislikes, but very little about myself. It took some time, but that has changed. I developed some interests for myself. Try out something new. See if you like it. Does your library hold talks on different topics? Are there museums around you? Craft guilds? Makers’ places? Animal shelters? Food banks to volunteer at? Forest preserves to walk in?

Depression lies. Your brain tumor makes it harder. I remember in the early days, I would feel occasional moments of peace and I would pause and enjoy those times, knowing they would pass but feeling so grateful for the respite from pain. Take note of the times you’re not crying. Working on moving the focus onto you, not him. It’s hard, but life does get better.

Me-BS 57
Him-WS 57 Sorrowfulmate
Married 30 years, 5 kids
Dday #1 12/12 He made up a ONS
Dday #2. 3/14 EAs, 3 ONS, 2 LTA

Buttercup: We'll never survive.
Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.

posts: 594   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2014
id 8800612
Topic is Sleeping.
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