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Newest Member: Timewilltell44

Just Found Out :
I give up I am not strong enough to endure

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Devastated16 (original poster member #82864) posted at 7:43 PM on Monday, June 5th, 2023

BearlyBreathing- Thank you so much for asking.

I made it through the weekend. I tried to keep myself busy in the backyard. I tried not to think of all the issues I am having financially. I tried not to think of HIM. I cried quite a bit. But somehow I feel like I cried a little less than last week. Yeah!

I did not leave the house. I could not handle running into him or anyone who knows us as a couple. Sadly, everywhere I go people ask about him because they were so used to seeing us always together.

I didn't sleep for very long or well. I ate way too much junk (sad how chocolate chip cookies seem to almost bring a feeling of peace for a moment).

Back to work. A few tears here but got myself back together. Sadly one of the people we know, who I haven't talked to in a while texted to ask why my WS was out with another woman? He was unaware we were not together and had seem him out and about laughing and carrying on with a much younger woman. I was given a description of what he saw. I will never be able to escape this.

At the moment, I just feel emotionally and physically drained.....which is actually a good thing as I am almost lifeless which means I don't have the energy to work myself up into a complete emotional meltdown. I would rather feel a bit numb than as if the world was ending.

How long will this last? I don't know. I have thought in the past I was moving from utter devastation to more anger but then, like a mudslide, I was drowning again in despair.

posts: 51   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Canada
id 8794017
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:45 AM on Tuesday, June 6th, 2023

It’s a bit like waves… you get swamped by a big wave, go under for bit and not know what way is up. Then you right yourself, get to the surface, take a breath…. And then another wave hits you. But the time between waves gets longer and longer and the intensity of the waves lessens. Hard to see day to day, but it is happening.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take care of the next thing. Just the one next thing.
You will get to the shore. You will.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5903   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8794066
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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 9:59 PM on Tuesday, June 6th, 2023

Hi devastated. Thank you for sending us an update. You are regularly in my thoughts as I know how it feels to be betrayed and abandoned. To this day I cannot put into words how hard those times were for me.

I also had financial difficulties post D day so I really do emphasise with you. It’s the last thing you want to deal with and just adds to the stress.

I just want you to know it gets better. I know we all say that and it’s hard to believe it when you are in the thick of it…at times it felt like I was literally just existing and not living… and it felt endless.

I promise you it is not endless. I promise you you will start to see your ex for who he really is.. selfish, self absorbed… doesn’t care who he hurts to get what he wants. And most importantly, you start to see that he WILL take his toxic self absorbed, dysfunctional behaviour into his new ‘relationship’. He will be like this when he is 70!

He will never be satisfied with whoever he is with. He will have a whole life time of failed relationships and end up alone.

You on the other hand are a kind, caring and empathetic person. You will find someone as lovely as you.

posts: 266   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8794194
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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 10:13 PM on Tuesday, June 6th, 2023

I just wanted to add that what barely breathing says is so true. In the first months it is like being in a sea where you are so up and down and trying to stay afloat. It exhausting and it can feel like you can’t see the end in sight. It’s a battle but we are all right behind you devastated.

We are all here for you. Sending you hugs and strength.

posts: 266   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8794196
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Abcd89 ( member #82960) posted at 7:17 PM on Thursday, June 8th, 2023

I am sorry you feel this terrible. Last year I felt like this too for a while. I wanted to share what has helped me.

I recommend meditation every day, without fail. Twice a day. I am so much more in control of my breathing and I can recognise my emotions so much better.

Exercise. Get up early and out into the daylight as early as possible (10 mins after waking). Write a list of things you enjoyed - morning coffee in the park or reading a book in the bath. Try and write a list of twenty small things and do three a day without fail.

A book to read - Love yourself like your life depends on it’. By Ravikant. Read it and choose your music and follow the instructions to the letter. It works.

I wish you well

posts: 112   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2023
id 8794429
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:54 PM on Friday, June 9th, 2023

And gently, Devastated, check in with us every so often. We know your life is worth while. We know that your despair is temporary.

And we care about you.

Hang in, D-16.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29790   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8794690
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:21 PM on Saturday, June 10th, 2023

How are you doing, D-16?

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3303   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8794759
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 12:24 AM on Sunday, June 11th, 2023

Please check in.

So many members here care about you.

Sending a virtual hug....

posts: 12114   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8794787
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:45 PM on Tuesday, June 13th, 2023

Hey Dev16– how are you today? Check in when you have a chance.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5903   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8795108
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 Devastated16 (original poster member #82864) posted at 9:17 PM on Tuesday, June 13th, 2023

I would love to say I am better. This weekend was incredibly hard.......I cried most of it. My dog had his surgery and I needed to be there for him. Thank goodness he needed me because I so wanted to give up again on life.

I am so incredibly lonely and the loneliness is what seems to cause, exponentially, my distress. I have never been an outgoing person and have had very few friends. My WS was my best friend and we did everything together. I lost most of my friends back when I divorced my first husband (he was an abusive man). My friends' husbands couldn't handle me being a "newly single woman". They seemed to think I would lure their wives out to pick up men.(this is what I was told by my so called friends when I asked why they stopped calling) Meanwhile, I remained single for 6 years after my divorce and didn't even talk to men. The few friends I made after my divorce, were with my WS. They all stopped talking to me because they "were his friends first". I do have one friend left whom I have known for over 20 years, but she is very busy all the time. I really am quite pathetic.

I have tried joining meetup to make friends.....sadly most of these people have known each other for years and the few events I went to I just sat there. They all talked about things they had done and were recalling events I knew nothing about. I felt uncomfortable and out of place. All it did was remind me how alone I am. Thus, I was back in the black hole of despair.

Everything everyone has said is great advice. Logically it all makes sense. I just don't know how to will myself to act upon it or believe it. I tell myself I am worth it...but I don't believe what I am saying. I know I am lucky to be alive....but I don't really care that I am. I just cannot stop crying and obsessing over the fact that he is having a great time and I am slowly dying. This entire weekend the mind movies were so vivid, so real and so often I woke up many times crying, shaking. When will this ever end? I literally do not know what to do to pull myself together. I do not know how to help myself as nothing works. I have no control over my emotions and everything is just so dark. I read, I hear , what everyone says but it doesn't help. I cannot seem to heal. I feel worse these days then I did right after DD.

I am on antidepressants. They don't seem to do anything. I am on something that is supposed to help me sleep. I have had some counselling, not a lot as time and money are an issue. Honestly, I would cancel most of the sessions anyways as I cannot drag myself to do anything except go into work. I feel like the whole world is laughing at me or feeling sorry for me. I try to talk myself out of this. I try to reason with myself. In the end, I conclude the pain is stronger than my will to live. It would be so easy to just not have to ever deal with this any longer.

With that said, I am telling everyone how I feel. I am talking about it. That means I am not going to do anything to harm myself as I am able to verbally discuss how I feel. Ending one's life usually happens after a period of silence. I am still trying to fight through this. I am not sure if a truck came driving towards me, I would move out of the way but I am not going to harm myself I don't think. I just know that I think about it, a lot.

I thank everyone for their concern. I will keep posting. I will keep reading.

posts: 51   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Canada
id 8795118
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 10:14 PM on Tuesday, June 13th, 2023

I am so incredibly lonely and the loneliness is what seems to cause, exponentially, my distress.

This is your main issue at this point, I believe. Loneliness is scary. Someone once told me, "It's not death that's scary. They are abandonment/loneliness and boredom." You need to find a way to end this isolation. Isolation is what leads to loneliness. May be you can ask your IC on how to escape loneliness. Do you have any hobbies?

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8795130
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 1:14 AM on Wednesday, June 14th, 2023

Hi, Devastated, I think I mentioned this in an earlier response....you love animals.

Sign up to volunteer at an animal shelter, the reward you will feel will build up your self esteem again and you will be a much needed set of hands for overcrowded shelters.

I volunteered for about two years, made some acquaintances, but the main thing was I got away from my home for several hours per week and worked with the other volunteers as a team taking the dogs out, bathing them, helping with adoptions and incoming animals. I volunteered my time at the shelter and off-site adoption events. Kept me busy at some point every weekend for a few hours. We also did simple fundraisers like bake sales and a eating at a restaurant on a specific night where a portion of the proceeds would be donated to the shelter.

I'm quite the introvert yet was able to stay busy, talk with, and keep in touch with many of the volunteer because of our common objective.

posts: 12114   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8795155
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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 9:29 PM on Wednesday, June 14th, 2023

Hi D 16 thank you for updating us. My heart goes out to you, reading your post really brought back the feelings I experienced post D day. I felt like I was fighting through each day. My mind movies were off the scale! We all know only too well how gruelling and scary it can be.

I found forcing myself out in the world helped me massively . It’s great that you went to Meetup groups, but maybe you need a group with an activity, that’s often an icebreaker. Art, yoga, sewing, gardening, or animal welfare as suggested? There is less pressure to talk/feeling left out and it will keep you occupied and will give a welcome break from the mind movies (as much as you can).

Find what you love and do it.

Yoga was my saving grace. It gave me something to focus on (for that hour) other than my thoughts. Plus it relaxed my body.

At the beginning I had to force myself, but it was key in putting myself back together. It helped rebuild me.

I really hope this helps. (((Hug)))

posts: 266   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8795256
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 9:56 PM on Wednesday, June 14th, 2023

In his book The Body Keeps The Score, Bessel van der Kolk is a proponent of using yoga to help the trauma move out of your body. Writing helps with dealing with the memories, too.

It sounds like you need to start working on changing the neural pathways that your brain is getting used to so that your thoughts don't travel down those paths any longer. I used to have a rubber band on my wrist to snap. After awhile, I'd wear a bracelet as a reminder. It isn't easy, but it can be helpful to do grounding exercises. Also, some games help with this. Some of the match 3 games, Candy Crush, find the hidden object, etc.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3303   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8795259
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aprilfool1985 ( member #56750) posted at 10:03 PM on Wednesday, June 14th, 2023

Susan Anderson’s book The Journey from Abandonment to healing has been really helpful. I second the recommendations for volunteering with animals, but also any kind of working with your hands can help: sewing, knitting, cooking, gardening.

Me: BS, of a certain age Him: WS, of a certain age +3 events in question around 1985, M 1988, several adult children

posts: 113   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2017   ·   location: United States
id 8795262
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SackOfSorry ( member #83195) posted at 10:33 PM on Wednesday, June 14th, 2023

I'm sad to hear that you're still suffering so much. But also happy to hear that you have put yourself out there a bit to try to change your life - that's huge! Maybe it hasn't worked out so well yet, but kudos to you for trying! That IS how you get better even if you don't have solid results yet. As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day.

Have you thought about volunteering with seniors? There are many seniors out there that would love some company.

Me - BW
DDay - May 4, 2013

And nothing's quite as sure as change. (The Mamas and the Papas)

posts: 101   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2023
id 8795268
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:29 PM on Tuesday, June 20th, 2023

How are you doing, D16? It's been a while since you've checked in with us.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3303   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8796116
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Clint ( member #11711) posted at 5:41 PM on Tuesday, June 20th, 2023

If you think the sad phase is bad, wait till the anger kicks in! The anger phase is extremely cleansing, but you have to ride herd on it and move on when you realize the tipping point. There are no shortage of emotions during this effed up time in your life, unfortunately all you can do is ride it out. Talk to friends, try to work out..DO stuff even if you want to go hide in a dark corner. It will pass. Time right now is the enemy, but at some point it will become your best friend.

posts: 3468   ·   registered: Aug. 16th, 2006
id 8796123
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Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 9:08 PM on Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

Hi Dev,
I’m happy you keep coming back here to update us on how you’re doing. We do care a lot about you and want you to continue to make progress - even small baby steps! Always keep moving forward. Keep reminding yourself that your WH has no more power over you. When you dwell on him - you give him the power to control your emotional state. He doesn’t deserve space in your head. The mutual friends you had - they chose a side. Let them. They’re not worth being your friend anyway. I know that the loss is tremendous when there’s infidelity. It’s not just the loss of a marriage, a partnership, it’s the loss of mutual friends and relationships, friendships. Loss of hobbies and shared activities. It’s like starting all over again from scratch. And I totally get that. You are worth so much more than trying to tie YOUR identity to a man who so callously walked away from your marriage - and may I remind you, at a time when you were dangerously ill with a brain tumor. You made it through the weekend - small victories Dev!!! And you’ll make it through the next weekend and the next and the next after that!!! We do care about you. Keep posting. You will get through this!!

Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996
DDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month)
DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk)
Reconciling and doing well.

posts: 190   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8796330
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 Devastated16 (original poster member #82864) posted at 8:57 PM on Thursday, June 22nd, 2023

Hello everyone................I was just in the bathroom at work for the last hour crying uncontrollably, tidal waves or despair. I came out and went straight to this forum to pour my heart out yet again.

I just discovered the WS was away on the weekend with yet another woman. He took her to our favorite getaway spot. Someone so kindly sent me a pic of the two of them together....holding hands and laughing. Brought me back to DD all over again. The picture came today, the day after he texted me. He texted me yesterday to ask if I would ever forgive him. He asked if he could ask me a question. He then proceeded to ask what reconciliation for us would look like. Could I ever trust him? Could I go on with life and forget the past? He had the nerve to ask me to answer HONESTLY! The lying, cheating, deceptive Bast*** had the nerve to ask me to answer honestly! I have never been anything but honest!

I answered. A very long answer then I asked why he was asking? What was he thinking? ......crickets.....nothing...no response.

When the picture came today, I texted and asked why he would ask me such a question if he was already onto woman number 3 since DD. He said he was trying to point out to me that no matter what, our relationship couldn't be repaired as I would never be able to trust him. He claims he was trying to make me see it is best its over so I can stop being upset and allow him to move on so he can be happy without judgement! OMG he is such a narcissist! He was giving me false hope! He was setting me up for the hurt all over again! Yet I still cannot stop crying over this man and my lost life! It is like the wound is deeper and fresh all over again.

Why can't I move past this and get angry? When will any second of my day not feel so hopeless and worthless? I hate life, I hate waking up, I hate existing, I hate breathing, I hate myself, I hate the world! I just do not see a reason to keep trying to fight this never ending pain. For what? a miserable lonely existence? I will never trust anyone. I will never trust myself. I will NEVER TRUST!

I am so very tired...I am tired of my eyes being swollen and red. I am tired of my nose being inflamed from blowing it. I am tired of shaking and crying. I am so exhausted from everything triggering my emotions. I have had a perpetual headache for a week now. I think the stress is growing my tumour. Maybe I will be dead before long from that and won't have to deal with any of this anymore.

I want to be numb. I want to be emotionless. I want to be a robot. I want to not care about anything or anyone! I want to give up.

I do not understand, it will be five months in 9 days 5 hours since I kicked him out. It still feels like hour one.

I am beyond pathetic.

Susan Anderson’s book The Journey from Abandonment to healing has been really helpful.

I ordered this book. It arrives tomorrow. I will try to read it. I will try. I also was given some podcasts to try by a wonderful person on here (everyone here is wonderful...and much more worthy than I am). I am trying but at the moment nothing is helping.

The dark thoughts are present and have a power all their own. I am fighting against something that my mind keeps telling me to just succumb to so that I can find peace.

posts: 51   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Canada
id 8796471
Topic is Sleeping.
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