Torn

Hi all.

Spoiler: I didn't tell (O)BS. If this triggers perhaps stop reading now. I'm feeling at a proper crossroads and that attack line really won't help much right now.

I know there's been radio silence from me... I've been reading other people's stories and contemplating my own situation. My long thread became a bit of a skip fire (and I do understand why). I am going to take inspiration from InkHulk though and call out comments that I feel are unacceptable in this thread.

I'll fill in gaps over time but essentially where I am is that we've put down a deposit for another house to rent that my W and I were planning to take turns at being in so that the kids lives weren't disrupted, and coparent.

Since that deposit was paid my W has gone onto antidepressants, poured her heart out to me about her guilt and shame, can't believe she is about to ruin the kids lives, etc etc. So we've both agreed that we have a better chance of R if we don't take this house.

But she has admitted that she still can't find the right feelings for me.

So I am so torn. Contrary to popular opinion, I wanted this whole time to leave the ball in her court to turn the kids lives upside down, and she made that call. I was feeling at peace with it, but with the changing of mind I felt enormous relief. I still want her, despite everything. I want my kids to have the best.

But I wonder if I'm just delaying the inevitable. Where we live places like this to rent won't come up very often so I wonder if I should just be biting the bullet and moving on.

I'll fill in gaps and answer questions but just felt the need to pour some emotion out.

158 comments posted: Wednesday, August 16th, 2023

Dopamine addiction withdrawal

Please note (mods?) this is a new topic, mostly aimed at WS but also at anyone with experience, and I'm not really looking for deviations to any previous threads I may have been involved in.

As per the title, my WS is really struggling with the comedown from the attention / flattery / sex / everything else that came from her A. She knows what is at stake and has done a lot of reading to know it is all fake but can't shake that bullshit feeling that it could be true love etc.

For WS that have had this feeling or BS that have Rd... what was this like for you?

No judgement on anyone from me, would just like an honest discussion.

49 comments posted: Sunday, June 25th, 2023

Completely confused and all over the place

Background: UK based, married 15 years, 2 kids.

About 6 weeks ago my wife sprung on me that she lost physical attraction for me years ago, and that our sex life hasn't been great for a long time. This absolutely floored me as I have always been up for sex and thought that she just didn't have the drive I have. Also I have felt that our marriage, while having ups and downs, has always been pretty amazing. We do great things together, have incredible holidays, and there are plenty of times when we have had great sex.

In the background and ex contacted her on FB about 4 years ago. It was just messaging back and forth and then about 2 years ago they met up in person. I was always fine with this as I am not a jealous person, and she always (truthfully) told me that there were no feelings there. But I did always question his motives.

Anyway 2 weeks after the initial chat she acknowledged that she does have feelings for this other guy. This again totally floored me, and I feel like a mug. But after a lot of chats, reading and listening to Esther Perel and the like, I can totally understand where she is coming from. After being together so long things are not going to be the same as they were, and it is totally understandable that these things can happen.

If it wasn't for the kids we would have separated, but she says (and I believe her) that she sees us together longer term. She just needs this escape at this point in our lives. After a lot of chatting I reluctantly agreed that she should do what she needs to do.

She has now been with him on 2 occasions and my brain is an absolute rollercoaster. On the surface I am OK with the sex side of things but I think the fact that I can't talk to anyone about it (friends and family would obviously not be able to understand this). She has managed to create a complete separation in her mind and wants to focus on us getting better and not talking about what she is doing.

People on here might struggle with it as well, I am not sure. But the truth is I love her and love my kids and would actually rather ride this out than lose my kids for half the time and not be with her.

But I alternate between feeling sick / panicky / completely messed up and being completely fine to the point where I can joke with her about it. The worst part is in order for her to feel attraction to me again I need to be at my most confident at a time where I am feeling at my lowest.

Anyone had similar experiences or can offer any advice for coping?

611 comments posted: Saturday, June 10th, 2023

Completely confused and all over the place (moved to General)

  This Topic has been moved to General

0 comment posted: Saturday, May 27th, 2023

Last ditch - showing WS thread on SI

Thinking about something Hellfire said in my massive thread, and also the below comment Ff4152 said in the "Why do waywards go back to their spouses and reconcile?" thread has made me think. If all hope was basically lost, would there be any benefit in showing WS your thread on here? It may give them a view on the damage that people have gone through and might be a light bulb moment. I know it's a very radical idea but I am talking if WS just cannot wake up to the harm that has been done and D seems the only option.

Thoughts?

Edited to adhere to guideline:
ON TOPIC: Respect the original posters' intent and avoid threadjacking. Feel free to start new topics to discuss general subject matter in other threads, but do not refer to specific topics or threads outside of their original location.

35 comments posted: Wednesday, May 10th, 2023