Newest Member: shouldistayorshouldigono

Ozzy1788

People = sh*t

A know some on here like their music on the heavier side so I thought a Slipknot reference might be appreciated.

My W was out for a work dinner recently and this work colleague she had never met made a lot of inappropriate comments towards her, tried to buy her repeated drinks and then got very angry with her that she wouldn't join him for a drink after dinner. All while knowing she is married with kids.

Then last weekend she was out for a night out with 2 friends. An attractive trio, so I am not surprised that they had looks. But repeated guys trying to buy them drinks, not leaving them alone. To the point where at the end of the night some guys walked them back to the hotel to make sure they were "safe", but then asked if they could come up.

I know we are not meant to generalise but I know when I am on a night out with mates I don't get this attention from women despite my attractiveness laugh

I just despair that a group of females can't have a night out without being propositioned all night, even after telling guys that they are married with kids.

I fear many people just don't care, and the stories we read on this site are more common than we would even think.

Apologies for the depressing thought sad

114 comments posted: Thursday, March 28th, 2024

Honest question

I know this is a US based site but there is often chat disparaging whatsapp etc.

In the UK (and I'm sure many other places) this is the main source of communication. More to the point, there are a million other ways for the WS to communicate that can't be found.

If they want to, they will is my point. It feels like this is hung up on a bit much.

Thoughts???

17 comments posted: Saturday, March 9th, 2024

Update and reflections on 2023

TLDR: I think we are going to be OK.

Happy new year to all... my condolences to those who joined the club over what must be the worst time of year to do so. For those not familiar with my story, google "completely confused and all over the place ozzy" and you will find it. In summary:

- Wife gave ILYBNILWY speech
- Then admitted she had gained feelings for the ex she had been seeing for dinners and such (all with my permission till that point, we are not jealous people)
- In a moment of madness in my shock that this had become an EA, I said that she should just sleep with him and get it over with
- She took hold of this and it became a choice for me to allow it and make my peace with it, or lose my wife and kids and it happen anyway.

When I last wrote (September), we had decided to abandon the idea of separating and had started MC. This has been a life saver. We had a fairly major blip in October but have since continued our R, and have both learned a lot about ourselves and each other. Random collection of thoughts incoming. I have lurked the last few months, especially on the WS topic, learning about mistakes made etc and trying to give myself understanding. Some of what follows might not work for everyone (we all know my story wasn't conventional in the first instance) but it has helped me a lot.

Firstly, my W has given me the reassurance needed that the whole episode is behind us. Password to phone, checking in with me when away with work (especially when she had to go near where he lives, she called in floods of tears on a video call), accepting when I have mentioned things that have triggered me. Again the MC has really helped with this.

One thing that came up in our MC which was quite hard to take (and re-emphasises why I wish I found this site about 2 months earlier than I did) was how much my WWs opinion of me went DOWN when I first made that throwaway comment. Sure, nothing excuses the A, but in her mind the attraction for POSOM had formed because of our marital issues, not in spite of. She wanted me to focus on the things that were making her unhappy, and I made it "all about him". So having a H that would say that just made POSOM more attractive in her eyes, and all the bullshit that followed was in large part due to this. Had I stood up to her in the first place I could have saved myself a lot of heartache. Live and learn.

At this point I want to recommend the book "Getting Past the Affair" by Synder, Baucom, and Coop Gordon which was recommended by our MC. It is very balanced and fair to both sides. One thing I have learned from this site is that some WSs are absolute assholes for which it seems there is no way back. But many others have slipped down a path they never thought they would. Once getting over the initial devastation of it all, there needs to be understanding from the BS about how the marriage ended up in a place where this could happen, and some form of empathy for the broken-ness of the person you love. A year of madness won't kill the 17 years that preceded it, or at least not for me. Only one person is responsible for an A (I know debatable in my case...), but two people are responsible for a marriage. This is an area where our MC has been great in steering the conversation in the right direction at the right times.

We had an individual session each with the MC just before Xmas, and she praised me for my ability to deal with this, and said if anyone can get past this, I can. She acknowledges that there is an element of rug sweeping from my W, but she can see the remorse there and that she simply doesn't want to accept that this was all down to part of her being broken. My W can see that this was all for nothing now, whereas obviously in the midst of it all when she fell in "love" with him she thought it was worth ending her marriage for. Part of my learning is empathy for the fact that acknowledging that in yourself must be brutal. It isn't something I am going to push for, and she gives me signs in her in time that she is learning and will be bringing it up more in her IC.

I could have made the choice to leave her and the kids, but I didn't want to. That was my choice, and one I am very at ease with. We just had a wonderful Christmas with the children and have started the new year with a sense of optimism.

I feel like I had loads more to say but putting this out there is tougher than I thought it would be! A few people have been checking in with me though so thought I would give an update. Happy to answer any questions that would clear things up. But in summary, I am no longer in infidelity and we are both working to appreciate what we have more (which is actually pretty damn good and much better than the alternative).

Oh finally, while I have been lurking I have been astounded by the sheer volume of contributions by certain posters. I don't know how you find the time, but thank god you do. The support provided by internet strangers is truly heartwarming. Though my time on this site has been far from smooth-sailing, it has helped me so much to get through the shittest year of my life so for that I thank you all.

Cheers,

Ozzy

25 comments posted: Friday, January 5th, 2024

Torn

Hi all.

Spoiler: I didn't tell (O)BS. If this triggers perhaps stop reading now. I'm feeling at a proper crossroads and that attack line really won't help much right now.

I know there's been radio silence from me... I've been reading other people's stories and contemplating my own situation. My long thread became a bit of a skip fire (and I do understand why). I am going to take inspiration from InkHulk though and call out comments that I feel are unacceptable in this thread.

I'll fill in gaps over time but essentially where I am is that we've put down a deposit for another house to rent that my W and I were planning to take turns at being in so that the kids lives weren't disrupted, and coparent.

Since that deposit was paid my W has gone onto antidepressants, poured her heart out to me about her guilt and shame, can't believe she is about to ruin the kids lives, etc etc. So we've both agreed that we have a better chance of R if we don't take this house.

But she has admitted that she still can't find the right feelings for me.

So I am so torn. Contrary to popular opinion, I wanted this whole time to leave the ball in her court to turn the kids lives upside down, and she made that call. I was feeling at peace with it, but with the changing of mind I felt enormous relief. I still want her, despite everything. I want my kids to have the best.

But I wonder if I'm just delaying the inevitable. Where we live places like this to rent won't come up very often so I wonder if I should just be biting the bullet and moving on.

I'll fill in gaps and answer questions but just felt the need to pour some emotion out.

158 comments posted: Wednesday, August 16th, 2023

Dopamine addiction withdrawal

Please note (mods?) this is a new topic, mostly aimed at WS but also at anyone with experience, and I'm not really looking for deviations to any previous threads I may have been involved in.

As per the title, my WS is really struggling with the comedown from the attention / flattery / sex / everything else that came from her A. She knows what is at stake and has done a lot of reading to know it is all fake but can't shake that bullshit feeling that it could be true love etc.

For WS that have had this feeling or BS that have Rd... what was this like for you?

No judgement on anyone from me, would just like an honest discussion.

49 comments posted: Sunday, June 25th, 2023

Completely confused and all over the place

Background: UK based, married 15 years, 2 kids.

About 6 weeks ago my wife sprung on me that she lost physical attraction for me years ago, and that our sex life hasn't been great for a long time. This absolutely floored me as I have always been up for sex and thought that she just didn't have the drive I have. Also I have felt that our marriage, while having ups and downs, has always been pretty amazing. We do great things together, have incredible holidays, and there are plenty of times when we have had great sex.

In the background and ex contacted her on FB about 4 years ago. It was just messaging back and forth and then about 2 years ago they met up in person. I was always fine with this as I am not a jealous person, and she always (truthfully) told me that there were no feelings there. But I did always question his motives.

Anyway 2 weeks after the initial chat she acknowledged that she does have feelings for this other guy. This again totally floored me, and I feel like a mug. But after a lot of chats, reading and listening to Esther Perel and the like, I can totally understand where she is coming from. After being together so long things are not going to be the same as they were, and it is totally understandable that these things can happen.

If it wasn't for the kids we would have separated, but she says (and I believe her) that she sees us together longer term. She just needs this escape at this point in our lives. After a lot of chatting I reluctantly agreed that she should do what she needs to do.

She has now been with him on 2 occasions and my brain is an absolute rollercoaster. On the surface I am OK with the sex side of things but I think the fact that I can't talk to anyone about it (friends and family would obviously not be able to understand this). She has managed to create a complete separation in her mind and wants to focus on us getting better and not talking about what she is doing.

People on here might struggle with it as well, I am not sure. But the truth is I love her and love my kids and would actually rather ride this out than lose my kids for half the time and not be with her.

But I alternate between feeling sick / panicky / completely messed up and being completely fine to the point where I can joke with her about it. The worst part is in order for her to feel attraction to me again I need to be at my most confident at a time where I am feeling at my lowest.

Anyone had similar experiences or can offer any advice for coping?

611 comments posted: Saturday, June 10th, 2023

Completely confused and all over the place (moved to General)

  This Topic has been moved to General

0 comment posted: Saturday, May 27th, 2023

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