GoldenR (original poster member #54778) posted at 7:41 AM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023
My daughter's former fiance (I guess that's how I should refer to him?) called me last week, Wednesday morning, shortly after 5am. He asked me if I could come to his place, said it was important.
I assumed it was about my grandson so I told him I'd be over there in a bit. When I got there, I saw he had tears in his eyes. I got scared, asked what was up. He said the night before he had been messaging my daughter's best friend. They were talking about her. He mentioned how he wished he could get her phone opened up to see all the selfies. She asked why he couldn't and he said he didn't remember her passcode. He had never used it before so he just forgot. She didn't reply. He went to sleep, woke up at 5am for work and she replied with, "Sorry I feel asleep. Her passcode was 0212". 0212...that's my bday. He opened her phone. Went to her general gallery and the 1st 3 items were videos of her. She recorded them all between 1am and 130am the morning that she died.
There was one for him, one for my grandson and one for me. He told me he only watched the first few seconds of mine until she said it was for me.
I walked outside and sat on the steps and watched it.
She knew she was dieing. Said she just knew. She then spent 12 minutes telling me how I was her best friend, her hero and also apologizing. She apologized for so much stuff that i had forgotten about, stuff from when she was 16/17...even stuff from elementary school times. She apologized for dieing. She thanked me for never giving up on her, never abandoning her when I should have (her words, not mine), for always being there for her and for staying with her so many nights in hospitals as she was a lifelong heart patient. She asked me to please stay in her son's life and to help them out bc they would need it. There was a lot more. She cried so much.
It was heartbreaking. She actually thought she had disappointed me so much. And that kills me.
I feel like my healing has been reset to day 1.
It's been a week and I'm still a mess.
[This message edited by GoldenR at 8:18 AM, Thursday, March 16th]
pearlamici ( member #67631) posted at 9:26 AM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your daughter sounds so thoughtful. Sending a hug.
~Bad marriages don’t cause affairs. Affairs cause bad marriages.~
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 10:20 AM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023
I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is probably the worst thing a parent can experience, and I don’t even want to try to imagine your pain. Seeing that message no doubt brought you back to the day she passed, with all the pain that involves.
Your daughter sounds strong. It takes such strength to face that inevitable but fearful journey, yet find time to leave those messages to the people that meant the most to her.
In dealing with bereavement I have tried to find strength in remembering the pain is for the loss of all the great things I had, and that I did have them. I try to find appreciation in that, rather than focus on what I don’t have anymore.
One practical matter:
The message to her son: Please ensure it’s stored in multiple places and in formats that will be accessible in the future. Maybe even place a note in your diary (and ask his dad to do the same) to review the format every 5 years or so. This is from experience: I had some important moments on a VHS recording, and it had deteriorated in quality by the time I had it transferred to DVD. That was about 10 years ago, and now I don’t have a DVD player but fortunately I have the material as mpeg.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 1:47 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023
I'm so sorry for your loss.
"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."
D-day April 2010
WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 2:03 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023
All I can say is that this is incomprehensible.
I have no words of wisdom. But I surely hope that you recognize that her strength, love, presence of mind…that came from you.
What a precious gift she was to you, you were to her, and she has now given to her son.
You were a HUGE part of that. And still are, with your grandson.
May I ask how he is doing? Her son.
"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
Dorothy123 ( member #53116) posted at 2:11 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023
So sorry for your loss.
"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:41 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I can imagine that recording a video for posthumous viewing is a time of grief, regret, and remorse. I'm also pretty sure that many of remember how awful we acted as teenagers, and your daughter doesn't seem to have experienced the parent's reaction to teen kids - frustrating and exasperating, for sure, but with a parent's love, especially when the kid gets through adolescence and rejoins the human race.
You will get through your grief. I hope and expect memories of your daughter will include the joys and pains of her life with you, as well as the grief of losing her so early.
Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. I send healing mojo to you, your family, and your daughter's family.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
josiep ( member #58593) posted at 5:53 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023
I'm sure there were times that you were disappointed in her choices; I doubt there's a parent in this world who hasn't experienced some disappointment in some of their child's choices. But I think her bigger message to you is, she knew you loved her beyond anything else because you never gave up on her, even when she made choices that disappointed you. You might have been disappointed by some choices but never by HER, by the person she was, by the daughter she was. And it's only because there were disappointments that you were able to show her your unconditional love for her.
I hope I explained that well because, while you have great pain from this, I think your pride and joy in being her father might be the stronger force. And I think she understood that.
Hugs to you, my dear man.
BW, was 67; now 73; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. D July, 2017
BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 7:10 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023
GoldenR. I have no doubt that you are shattered right now. All that pain rushing back- it has to hurt like nothing else.
But in time i wonder if you will see this as both a beautiful gift to you and evidence of the wonderful human you raised. (Also that she had good taste in men- her fiancé sounds like a good guy, too).
She LOVED you. As deeply as you loved her. As a daughter, I have regrets that I didn’t apologize to my mother before she died for all the stupid things I did and said when I was a teen. It makes me happy that your daughter was able to leave our earthly plane having said those things, having lifted that burden from her shoulders. And she knew you loved her too - that is why she wanted to leave you with those apologies.
Your daughter sounds like a lovely person. I am so sorry that she passed and that you have had that wound re-opened. But I hope that when it heals again, it will heal even better and more healthfully.
Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)
**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **
GoldenR (original poster member #54778) posted at 2:49 AM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023
I appreciate all the kind words, everyone.
And Bigger - thanks for the suggestion on saving it in a way to avoid technology leaving it behind.
emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 4:52 AM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023
It sounds like she loved you enormously and wanted you to know that. I’m so sorry you’re hurting right now. ((GoldenR))
Me: BS. Him: WS. Together 16 years.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two kids) into R. Happy.
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 7:31 AM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023
There are no words that are appropriate fur b this. So sorry, GoldenR.
An old song says b that I can't do much, but I can help you cry. That's so true. I can't do much, but I can cry with you.
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
PricklePatch ( member #34041) posted at 10:45 PM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023
Your loss is immeasurable! I am sorry for the loss of your child.
Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 2:15 AM on Tuesday, March 21st, 2023
My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry.
Your daughter really loved you.
My condolences on your deep loss.
Yearning for divorce before I pop off
Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 1:54 AM on Wednesday, March 22nd, 2023
I’m sorry for your the loss of your daughter. I can’t imagine how painful it is. She left you a gift, you were her hero.
Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years
BraveSirRobin ( Moderator #69242) posted at 4:54 AM on Wednesday, March 22nd, 2023
Sending warm thoughts, GoldenR. I think anyone who was faced with leaving life too soon would focus on things they wish they had done differently. That's a natural response to running out of time. It doesn't mean she always felt that way. Indeed, I'm absolutely certain, from the way you describe the bond you shared, that she knew you were proud of her and the fight she put up against overwhelming odds. Your love for her was unmistakable.
Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 4:20 AM on Saturday, March 25th, 2023
So very sorry for your unimaginable loss.
Sending ((virtual hugs))
"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!