Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

Holiday thoughts

I'm thinking of all of you who are newly hurting this holiday and need tlc and also our friends who are still healing from old wounds. Thanks to all our SI staff and old members who are here to help everyone regardless of the situation.

We are all here together learing to be better people. We are here helping others heal and find a way to a better life.

If you are newly here, you are doing your best to get through each day and night.

My d day was over the holiday so I feel the reminders.
I always made a big effort for ws then and we had friends and parties and excitement because of ws career. My life is quieter now. Many of those friends left me to remain with ws. They don't think cheating a big deal and also believed ws lies to them. Ws is a convincing and fascinating storyteller.

Last night we took a neighbor out to dinner and drive and see holiday lights. She is 80s and her son lost his life to cancer. Her daughter lives miles away. Dear nephew played his trumpet a d the piano for her then we went to a decorated restaurant and drove around to see lights.

There is a neighborhood upper middle class where almost everyone covered their homes and small front yards in lights. A big line of cars for several blocks. Maybe over 200 homes all lit up. Kids in Dinosaur jammies walk8ng around, adults in fleece onsies walking around. Santa grinch was driving a decorated lighted golf cart around. A constant flow of people, kids selling cocoa or cider or popcorn or cookies. Singers, a stand up comic in a Santa suit with sidekick elf in their front yard. Kids in holiday outfits being pulled in wagons and in strollers. Holiday greetings in many languages. Rock and roll snowmen band. Star wars Christmas. Flamingo Christmas. Teddy bear heaven. Serene nativity displays. Someone made a fancy sleigh for people to sit in for pictures. Human beings together enjoying lights and music. No admission fee.

I don't feel deprived of my fancy parties that I know ws still attends. Sister, nephew, neighbor and I had a wonderful time. Life still has gifts for us. My sister helped me through the days after d day. She took me out to find beauty in life. She didn't let me give up on the holidays I loved. I wanted to give some happiness to my neighbor who lost her son this year. I know she struggles with the pain.

Please put your thoughts about the holidays here if you are struggling with it. We can all use some tlc.

29 comments posted: Monday, December 26th, 2022

How was your weekend?

We had an easy visit with my aunt and her grandson. Our seventh grader really likes that 3 year old. That tot is very physical and brave. Seems like going to be an Olympic gymnast or skier or something. No fear whatsoever. We ate the cooked apples I made from the ones mom and I picked. Winesap and Arkansas black with some fresh Meyer lemon juice and spices. Saw my cousin from San Francisco.

I went to see Big Basins redwoods. It's been 2 years since the awful fire. I can't believe how many of the trees survived. They look like Italian cypress. Big tall black poles covered in New green growth. Big bushy growth around the base of the trees. Ranger said 3ven the ferns are coming back. I worried the ground got too hot and killed them all.

Work crews have been busy building new wood fences and trails. The campgrounds are going to be moved and improved and a new visitor center, parking and shuttle will help the trees out by being located farther out. The park got a big addition of some old growth forest that was previously privately owned.

I thought I'd feel very sad to see the burned forest but I was feeling good seeing how much the trees managed to survive and grow new foliage and small plants below making a return. Odd how much sunlight was there now. Im not used to that.

My cousin and I went to memorial park and pescadero creek park near half moon bay. Those redwoods aren't as old but the forest was spared of the fires. Walking in redwoods is like nothing else. The ground is soft and moist. Trees reach up into the sky and slender shafts of sunlight shine through and light up ferns and mossy rocks. I feel at peace always. I wish I could change into a protector spirit and stay and look after it. Hard to leave those woods for home.

Seeing those trees...the ones that lived..the ones that were horribly burned...it gives me hope for us humans. We can heal. We can live in peace.

I felt the Spirit of Thanksgiving strongly this year.

I hope you have some beauty too this holiday.

5 comments posted: Monday, November 28th, 2022

What did you learn from being in limbo or false R ?

I got some truths I didn't have, time to sort aspects of my life, move some of my favorite plants, let our kitty have his last days in the places he loved. It was hard for me to let go of my dream of R. I didn't have the strength to go right away so it was the long slow sadness. I saw my WS clearly, I saw our past clearly. Probably could have seen it on my own but some conversations with him helped to clarify things. Some things he finally didn't deny like before. We saw each other more clearly. I decided to stop listening to fancy words and ignore the empty gestures. There was no more power over me and he turned his attention away. I didn't feel sorrow over that loss like before just a bit of sadness over a thing that used to mean so much and I used to sacrifice for.

He's still brilliant, still clever, still witty, still gorgeous, still interesting, and we enjoy our talks. I don't hate him for the past, only disappointed it happened and couldn't be made right. He's not able to be emotionally whole and a good person for me. I care about him and so that's a sad thing to accept. I could never get to not caring even though there was a period of lethal flatness where I started to shut down. They were still actively texting then.

I don't regret trying for R. I think I would have regretted not trying. I'm glad to have offered him a chance to grow even though it was hard.

13 comments posted: Tuesday, August 30th, 2022

Places with sad memories

Do you avoid such places or do you go back again in attempt to have a better time there?

I usually avoid and maybe go back a long time later. Usually by then it's changed enough.

I went camping with sister to my favorite place. She was in bad mood the whole time. Being difficult. The last few days I spent out on trails alone. I only came back in evening to make dinner and sleep. Driving back we barely talked. Now she acts like everything's fine. I want to go back and have a good time there. Don't think I want to go camping again with her. She's better in a hotel truthfully. Too bad because otherwise we get along OK.

WS and I used to love camping. I think I just need another camping pal.

1 comment posted: Friday, April 29th, 2022