What do I ask in D?
I'm several years out and was at meh a long time ago. WTS, I remember being in shock and utterly lost. I think I did pretty good, but I maybe could have done better. I wanted to create a post for others to navigate the ins and outs of D. First, let me express that I am in no way giving legal advice. I am putting out there stuff to consider when filing for D. And my hope is that other old timers will come in and give more, as well as state what they wish they'd added, or not bothered with asking for. And I hope this in some way helps another member.
We were both retired military. Either one of us could have asked for each other's retirement pension (a portion only). We had several investments, life insurance beneficiary, a family home recently financed, etc. The kids were adults.
1 I asked for spousal support. I specifically asked for 24 months (judge gave me 30) so that I could go back to school and retrain in the cybersecurity field. I had left it to support his career at the loss of my experience and certifications. I was able to prove I left my job for his career, thus allowing my certifications to expire. I also showed the $40,000 decrease in pay because of that sacrifice. I also showed where he secretly cashed out some of the investments. Judge allowed me the 24 months, plus enough time to schedule my certification exams, and find work.
2 I asked for both of us to be ordered to continue the life insurance we had with the stipulation that we could NOT change each other as the beneficiary until the family home was out of both of our names. I then asked for him to sign a POA giving me power for sale of the home so that when he moved out of state, it wouldn't slow down the sale process. Caveat: I also added short sale, refinance (in one person's name), or deed in lieu of foreclosure (definitely see an attorney if you consider this).
3 I specified that all credit/debit cards in both names be canceled and which cards had to be paid by whom.
4 I asked that we split 50/50 the investments, as well as him cashing out 50/50 the investments he had obtained from his workplace DURUNG THE SPAN OF OUR MARRIAGE.
5 Being retired military, we had both elected the Survivor Benefits Plan insurance (SBP). I requested, and was granted, that we both elect to convert it to Former Spouse's Survivor Benefit Plan (FSSBP) until the house was out of both our names, WITH the caveat that we each had to provide to each other the proof we had complied, and within 30 days. That 30 days is important because there was a time limit imposed by the military, that cut off when we were allowed to do that following the divorce decree date. I think it was 90 days, but might be 60 days.
5 I specified which bills we would each pay or what portions of the bills.
6 I specified that he was also responsible for half the upkeep of the home until it was out of our names,and I listed the following: yardage landscape professionals AND equipment, security system additions, heating and cooling yearly checks and maintenance or replacement parts, 2x yearly air duct cleaning, and any replacement or fixes for any damage to the home or major appliances, he pay half of homeowners insurance and appliance insurance.
7 I specified how I want taxes filed (separately) and who could claim the house on the taxes. I SHOULD have stipulated specific years to save myself the trouble of having to get him to write a statement for the years that I claimed the house. Oh, and stipulate who pays the taxes or how it will be split, on the house.
These were the major asks. If I think of anything else,I'll come back and add an edit.
My advice is to have a trusted friend look over your legal paperwork WITH you before signing to be served to the cheater. I missed some minor things because I was sleep deprived and still in shock that my life was falling apart as I knew it.
Also, go into any courtroom with detachment. Treat this as a business negotiation because it IS! Do your due diligence in researching attorneys. Many advise you to see as many attorneys as possible so the WS can't use them. I disagree. See the best ones only because you won't have time to be petty. Plus, judge might not look kindly on you playing games. Your energy can better be focused on surviving the divorce process with the best divorce decree.
Know what you absolutely want and what is AND isn't worth fighting over. Ask for more, but don't be ridiculous because it may piss off the judge. It is much easier to come down in your asks than it is to go in and renegotiate. Remember,the more reasonable your asks, the more likely you'll get what you want, or most of it.
Know which judges are fair. I actually held off filing until I knew a specific judge would be on the circuit at my filing time. Your attorney can help with this.
And again, take emotions out of it. Judges see this shit a dozen times a day times however many years they've been on the bench. What is trau
matizing for you is just business for them. They won't put up with drama, pettiness, or theatrics. Let your WS be the one that makes an ass out of themselves. It will only make you look even more reasonable. Oh, and ALWAYS treat anything you put in writing as something that will be picked apart from the judge and the opposing attorney.
Expect the unexpected!
Good luck with your attorney search and the divorce process.
Again, this is NOT legal advice,just ideas to think about before and during having your attorney draft up everything. Some may apply, some may not. However, only an attorney can give you a clear picture of how the law applies and how a judge will see it.
3 comments posted: Friday, March 3rd, 2023
Hair Loss
Any women out there that know of any products or prescriptions that remedy menopause hair loss. I'm blessed that I always had such thick hair, because now, only I notice that it's not as thick. But I still want it thicker again. The internet has so much propaganda from BS companies selling their quack remedies. Most will have you wasting your money. I come on here in the hopes that someone found something that actually helps.
19 comments posted: Friday, February 24th, 2023
Trigger? Vent
I was going to post in OT but realize it's probable better to post here.
I was heading to pick up my dog. The light turned green. I waited 2 seconds while seeing if anyone was still driving through the lanes. I was clear. There was a car coming, but it had plenty of time to stop. I pressed on the gas and made it to the middle lane. I immediately slammed on my breaks and made my body relax for the impact. I'd seen out of my peripheral that the car was still coming.
She hit the front end of my vehicle and kept going for several feet while spinning. At first, I wasn't even sure if she'd hit me because my car jerked from me slamming on the breaks so hard and fast, but then my hood came up halfway and steam was coming out. I still had the green light, so I grabbed my purse and jumped out and got to the safety of the median.
Fast forward to when the first responders and police got there. She tries to blame her dog with her. "I'm so sorry, it was the dog's fault. He wouldn't stop barking."
Turns out, she had no driver's license, no insurance. But all of this was the dog's fault because he put a gun to her head and made her get behind the wheel of the car without a driver's license and without any auto insurance. He then made her ignore other drivers and the traffic light.
I went back in time for a half second. It was like a flashback. All I could see were all the times my ex had blamed everyone else but himself. He was always the victim. None of the consequences had anything to do with his own choices and his own actions. God help me, I started walking in her direction to beat her ass. I got it together and made myself turn around, it probably helped that there were still 3 police officers between us.
The rage I felt when she refused to accept responsibility is indescribable. I started shaking. Not because I could have died if I hadn't slammed on my breaks, not from adrenaline, not from seeing my vehicle utterly trashed, but from a long ago event that I thought had no more weight to effect me, a trigger from infidelity.
The cherry on top was when her boyfriend arrived and started calling ME a fucking bitch. Seriously!
Not sure if I need to work some more on myself. I dont even think about Xhole anymore. All of that infidelity stuff seemed like it happened to another person a long time ago until today.
And, yet, today, the rage ingelt for a complete stranger (albeit one who almost killed me), was pure trigger from days gone by of a man who couldn't own his shit and take responsibility for his own choices and actions. FML
On the positive side, I walked out. I'm not seriously hurt, and I do feel like a guardian angel was with me today. If I hadn't slammed on the brakes, if I hadn't waited 2 seconds, she would have completely T boned me and I'd be in the hospital or dead right now. I guess I'd rather be dealing with a trigger. Huh, I haven't had a trigger in about 5 years.
[This message edited by StillLivin at 1:29 AM, March 29th (Sunday)]
5 comments posted: Saturday, March 28th, 2020
My Cousin Update
A few years ago, about 2.5 (???), I posted about my cousin in an extremely physically abusive marriage. Her husband was also blatantly cheating, but that wasn't even close to the worst of her trauma. Unfortunately, she didn't leave until he choked her and left her for dead. That was finally her wake up call. She left, he did time for attempted murder, blag bekah blah.
Yesterday she called me upset. Her live in boyfriend that she was talking marriage with was cheating on her. Of course she was crushed. But you know what she wasn't,? She wasn't sticking around. Right now it's "only" an emotional affair (we all know emotional is just as hurtful), but she doesnt care. She has conviction and she knows that this shit isn't fucking acceptable. She went apartment shopping today. Man I'm so proud of this beast young lady. She's come so far. She called for my advice and support. During the conversation she thanked me for being real but not brutal. She also told me I am always right with my advice and that's why she comes to me. I won't sugarcoat a bunch of BS but I'll hold her hand while she's processing the truth.
I love this kid.
7 comments posted: Wednesday, February 19th, 2020
Good books on npd to recommend to a friend
A dear friend described her X. He sounds classic NPD, but I've only ever read my psych books for classes and sold them at the end of the course.
Any suggestions on informative books and how to navigate gray rock, etc?
2 comments posted: Wednesday, May 10th, 2017
AZ G2G
I'm moving in November. So throw me some ideas what and where in the Phoenix and surrounding area would be good for a G2G in June or July!
6 comments posted: Saturday, May 7th, 2016
Tucson G2G
The last couple of G2Gs were in Phoenix, so figure it's time to switch it up.
Who is game for a G2G say mid May to Mid June timeframe?
Some have already suggested a few things. Usually we have done dinner, so also want to plan an activity this time.
Visiting the caverns, hiking, shopping, and going to the zoo have been suggested.
I'm for the visiting the caverns and then having a BBQ at my house or another member's home. It never gets above 70 degrees, which will be a nice respite from the desert heat that time of the year.
We are open to suggestion.
Please post and state available dates and any other suggestions.
18 comments posted: Thursday, April 30th, 2015
Just wanting to know
when are we going to the Christmas décor on SI (said in my whiniest voice possible)?????
I love Christmas, have I mentioned that before? 
Just saying/asking?
[This message edited by StillLivin at 12:15 PM, November 28th (Friday)]
17 comments posted: Friday, November 28th, 2014
AZ G2G
Anybody up for another AZ G2G? It's a little hot right now but thinking Step/Oct would be cooler and perfect for a G2G. Was thinking dinner and maybe dancing this time.
28 comments posted: Monday, July 28th, 2014
