Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 4:44 PM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022
Has anyone mentioned the fact that if you are married to a person, and they get pregnant, then the child legally belongs to you.
This is only true if paternity isn't challenged. If the woman is married and paternity goes unchallenged, it is assumed that her husband is the father.
The OP could challenge paternity if he believes there is a chance that the child is not his. Or the purported father of the child could petition for paternity.
But back to the matter at hand. Your divorce attorney, not a criminal attorney, should be able to give you some guidance on how to handle this situation from a legal and custodial perspective. If you were to alert authorities on the advice of your attorney, you would go to whatever agency they recommend, be it the police, Division of Children, Youth and Families, etc.
Frankly, this whole situation is pretty ugly. I wouldn't want to be with someone who had such very poor boundaries, let alone who would prey on a child. And don't get me started on the child's parent. That's beyond awful.
FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."
Confused282 ( new member #79680) posted at 5:01 PM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022
You can’t believe her.
She is holding you out till he is 18.
I said it first and you said she said it in text.
You have no choice but to love forward.
God this is so awful.
DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 5:57 PM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022
Once again, this tragic situation is horrific and I extend my sincere and heartfelt condolences (don't even know the words to say in this instance). Hell, we all do.
But here's the thing that I feel the need to emphasize again. You are acting on what you know. All of us here are aware of the iceberg rule that what you see and know, many times, it just a fraction of what is yet to come out. That was the case when I reported my own family member for much the same reason and when the rest came out, I wept. It was absolutely nauseating and horrifying (My heart races right now just typing about it and it was decades ago). This is the case all too often. Is it 100% sure that there is more? No idea. But, I always advise erring on the side of the safety of a minor. Again, ALL adults that are involved in this have failed this kid. I don't care that he is 17 and somewhere on the spectrum. You said that in your state, he is still a minor and he needs protection from an abusive situation. Tragically, you, the betrayed husband in all of this, have to be the adult concerning this entire mess and report what you know to the authorities. Let them sort out the legalities after investigating. That is what they are there for. All it takes is a call. I actually think that in some states you can do so anonymously.
Of course protect you and your daughter legally. Its an absolute must. But the two things are not antithetical.
Reaching out and giving you virtual Bro Hugs (((JKai17)))
[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 6:03 PM, Wednesday, August 24th]
"For they sow the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind."
Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 7:45 PM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022
Going all the way back to your first post, this struck me.
My wife said the student seduced her constantly and she said yes after numerous shut downs.
This is an adult woman talking about a teenage boy with a developmental disability. She knows very well that he's going through all the hormonal changes of a teenage boy with rational and emotional functions that are impaired. But she still engages in the same blame-shifting that is so typical of a WS. She's blaming the victim for her crime.
I think some folks have become distracted by the heinous nature of this A and lost the script in warning you about how typical her behavior is otherwise.
Rule one is that you have to assume that she is lying about everything in the absence of reason to believe otherwise. You should even take what you've read in her messages with a grain of salt because she knows that the consequences of her behavior are potentially much more severe than a typical A. Proof of sexual contact may mean jail, not just D.
In particular, the fact that they discussed hugs and kisses in front of his Mom doesn't mean that nothing more has happened when they're alone.
She said to me he is like a son to her.
Did you ask her how she squares this with the sexual nature of their relationship?
My wife swore on it that he is innocent, not like typical high school student.
This is the same boy that "seduced her constantly" until she supposedly gave in?
I'm sure that you're reeling from all of this and that it's hard to keep straight but it sounds like your W realizes that she's at extreme risk and she has turned the gas-lighting and lies up to 11.
If your W works at the same University as you and there is any connection whatsoever between this boy and the University you are obligated to report this to your University. You could place yourself at risk if you fail to do so.
I'm sorry she has done this to you and your family. You've been through a lot already. Be sure to take care of yourself. The trauma of discovering something like this has lasting impact. Read through the healing library and find help from a therapist who understands betrayal trauma.
[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 7:46 PM, Wednesday, August 24th]
Me: 60, BS -- Her: 59, FWS -- Dday: 11/15/03 -- Married 37 yrs -- Reconciled
Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 7:58 PM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022
JKai17, I’m so sorry for you. This is such a messed up situation and your WW is obviously sick. A healthy adult woman would see how terrible this all is and your WW is in need of serious help.
Saying that, she put herself in this situation and your responsibilities are to your kids and you. I echo what others have said, get the right counsel and follow the instructions of professionals to address this to protect you and your family from her awful choices.
Western ( member #46653) posted at 8:32 PM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022
I can't think (but it's not out of the realm of possibility) where her affair with a 17 year old will work out for her in court. It won't. Her trying to get the 17 year old as a parental figure in your kid's life either. That borders on some mental issue.
I agree with Rambler. Always has. But Bigger makes a good point too. If she is unemployed, alimony may bite you. Don't get her fired. Use her 'fog' against her and win.
You know what to do. File. She is waiting on October already for him to be of age. Gather your evidence, file and take advantage of this. You and your 7 year old will have a great life. Win primary custody.
It's sad but it's not you who screwed up and this 17 year old and her will be in your life forever. Your life and your 7 year old's is on the line. I am telling you as someone with vast experience in Family Law, you have the advantage but you also need to protect your six. Now is the time
RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 10:33 PM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022
I will discuss with her about hiring a lawyer and reporting to child protection service.
I wouldn’t make any moves until you’ve consulted your attorney.
You’re getting a lot of great advice here but, if your actions are executed out of proper order, you may compromise your position and outcome.
Get a plan of action together with the help of your attorney.
The priority’s might look something like this:
-Preserve all evidence
-Protect your daughter and secure custody privileges.
-Protect yourself and secure finances
-File for legal separation and execute divorce proceedings ASAP.
-Report to authorities.
-Authorities will report to employers and parents.
The investigation may take a while giving you time to secure a best terms divorce.
I wouldn’t tip her off on your moves. Don’t let her get ahead of you where she can destroy evidence, file preemptive false DV charges against you, smear your credibility or otherwise sabotage or interfere with your attempts to secure the best possible outcome for you and your daughter.
Remember, it’s going to be three against one. The boy, his mom, her against you.
Edited for typos
[This message edited by RealityBlows at 10:35 PM, Wednesday, August 24th]
RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 11:08 PM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022
Something more to consider:
I don’t know if you can safely consider reconciliation right now. She might just be too much of a liability. Until after any possible criminal and/or civil investigation and subsequent outcome(s) has been resolved, she’s in no position to safely rebuild herself and a marriage. If there is some criminal or civil fallout, it will be very difficult for her to rebuild her professional and social life, help you heal, fix herself and rebuild a marriage while she’s dealing with all that.
She can go after reconciliation with you after the divorce, after any criminal proceedings, and after any possible civil penalties have been resolved, and after she’s received the psychological intervention she needs.
But for now, you may want to get far clear of her, and as much of her legal fallout-if any, as possible.
I know this sounds ruthlessly pragmatic but, she put herself in this situation. She excused herself from your marital vows. You’re under no moral marital obligation to protect her.
[This message edited by RealityBlows at 11:12 PM, Wednesday, August 24th]
JKai17 (original poster new member #80676) posted at 11:25 PM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022
Thank you for all your support.
I talked to my office and a few lawyers and I found the one who is specialized in victim.
I don't need to defend myself so I need a victim's lawyer.
The associate I talked to understand the situation and glad there's a lawyer for cases like mine.
I scheduled to talk to him this Friday and his firm also handles D cases, so it could be convenient.
I talked to another lawyer and he said I wouldn't be considered as an enabler but I will make sure this Friday as well.
I also talked to police station but they want me to come in with evidence.
I live in different county so I have to drive 40 minutes to report it to the county which it happened.
Due to budget issue, there is no online reporting system available.
Well, I think I can at least try to report and I will do it once I talk to my lawyer on Friday.
Really appreciate all helps here.
It's support I wouldn't expected but I really need it.
Some of you listed things I haven't considered which gave me another view of it.
My wife seems regretful and apologized many times to me.
She actually broke down a few times and said she wanted to kill herself or disappear.
But who knew it's for real this time.
Well it's three (my wife, him and his mom) against me as Realityblows said.
But I do have overwhelming support here and it seems like I outnumbered three.
[This message edited by JKai17 at 1:01 AM, Thursday, August 25th]
MalibuBayBreeze ( member #52124) posted at 11:31 PM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022
Why would you discuss seeing an attorney or reporting this to child services with her? All she's going to do is try and talk you out of it or try to stall things until this kid's birthday in October. She very likely would alert his mother of your plans to contact child services since she and "Ma" have become such good friends.
Just do it. Did you get to weigh in on her relationship with a 17 year old? No, you didn't. This is about protecting yourself and your daughter and you have to keep reminding yourself of that.
I know emotions are high now and all over the place but you have to understand she's in damage control and self preservation mode, while you are still trying to grasp this.
Edit to add to my comment since I just saw your latest response.
Beware of the fake apologies and tears. It's highly likely she sees you're serious and she's trying to placate you. She may realize she could be in a hell of a lot of trouble, she actually would have to be clueless if she didn't. Don't fall for it because it's probably being done to manipulate you. Keep all your appointments and get as much information as you can. Is she aware of these appointments?
[This message edited by MalibuBayBreeze at 11:38 PM, Wednesday, August 24th]
A man or woman telling the truth doesn't mind being questioned.
A liar does.
JKai17 (original poster new member #80676) posted at 11:34 PM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022
Oh, It's not my wife I talked to.
I only talk to my wife when it's absolutely necessary.
I talked to the counseling officer from my university.
She suggested to talk to the lawyer before I make any moves.
Sorry I was not clear about it.
Response to MBB
No she doesn't know.
I called them in my car and told her I need to get something for my car.
For eating kiwi part, he thanked my wife teach him how to peel kiwi from later messages.
So it could be really, literally meaning eating kiwi.
But who knows? I would expect the worst and prepare for it.
I am checking their messages (getting married after divorce) from my saved pictures everyday to remind me that how my wife has changed.
It's difficult but I think necessary step.
Thank you again for your concern!!
[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:53 PM, Wednesday, August 24th]
JustNonna ( new member #80456) posted at 12:17 AM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022
What I am understanding is you are from another country and things run differently.
I want you to consider though if a Judge/Courts find out you knew about this and did not report it you both can lose your child.
It can be argued by your wife's family that your judgement can not be trusted when it comes to the safety of children, including yours. Thus they can win custody and allow her in your childs life and not you. Do not give anyone a reason to do that.
I did see you spoke to the police and they want evidence, please document this for your protection.
I am so very sorry this is happening to you. <hug>
JKai17 (original poster new member #80676) posted at 6:32 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022
Thank you for your support.
I actually live in US though I was born in another country, same as my wife.
I understand your concern but for now it seems like the affair is over.
Of course, aftermath of it is far from being over.
I will contact a few more victim's attorney today and see how it goes.
It's difficult since I am working from home and my wife is also at home.
But she has class from 2 pm to 7 pm today so I have sometime to call.
My wife is now under tremendous stress but she did it to herself.
She said there was a guy to check on her at night in church when she "practice" with him.
She is afraid there might be CCTV in that room and the church knew what is going on.
Now it seems like she understands the consequence of it.
[This message edited by JKai17 at 6:40 PM, Thursday, August 25th]
Confused282 ( new member #79680) posted at 7:17 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022
Please be careful. You can’t trust her.
Her emotions are all over the place but that does not mean it is love for you.
Please listen to a lawyer and get something in writing to protect yourself.
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 7:37 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022
What is she afraid a camera picked up on?
Why would you think its over?
And why does some random man know to check on her during practice?
JKai17 (original poster new member #80676) posted at 7:51 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022
Because they did kiss and hug after they're done with practice.
I know since his mother took the picture of them.
If there is a CCTV in that room (which I don't know), somebody from the church might saw it.
I think it's over since she's not looking at her cellphone all day.
Since he's in high school, he can't use his cellphone at school (except lunch time?).
Anyway, now I think his mother knows the consequence of it (my wife losing jobs and possible criminal charge), she should've known she wouldn't encourage the relationship. I heard that she could lose her custody as negligence.
I don't know why a random man checked her at the church.
But it seems like it's not the first time they practice and date at the church with all three of them.
So my wife thinks if there's a CCTV, somebody saw them before and he wanted to check to knock it.
My wife said her name to him and she said she's allowed to use it after hours.
Now she is in panic because this guy knows her name.
[This message edited by JKai17 at 7:53 PM, Thursday, August 25th]
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:25 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022
You are making the mistake many bs make. You believe what she's telling you.
They're not talking marriage,if there's been no sexual activity.
She's not checking her phone around you,because she scared you might report her.
My kid is in high school. They can use their phone during free time,study hall,lunch,before and after school, etc.
Besides..they are still seeing each other in person, so there isn't a great need to text.
His mom isn't worried about losing custody. He turns 18 in a few months. Did your wife tell you that? She did it to protect his mom.
[This message edited by HellFire at 9:26 PM, Thursday, August 25th]
JKai17 (original poster new member #80676) posted at 9:37 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022
Thank you for the tip.
But he is 40 minutes away from my house and my wife hasn't left the house except when she has classes.
You could be right, they might see each other but in this stage, I don't care if they are risking it more.
If it goes down, it will go down hard on my wife.
She's got a lot to lose.
Anyway, I would make moves after I consult lawyers.
You're right. I have to do something before he turns 18.
I did find out his birthday on my wife's calendar.
As long as the reporting goes, I found out I could make the anonymous reporting to the police.
I just need to find time to visit the station.
If I report to the school, they have to show my name, which I don't want.
[This message edited by JKai17 at 9:38 PM, Thursday, August 25th]
MalibuBayBreeze ( member #52124) posted at 11:00 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022
HellFire is spot on. Do not fall for the lies. Your wife is likely doing what so many cheaters do when caught, she's being extra cautious to give the appearance she's ended it.
You better find the time to report it, and fast. It should be a priority for you right now. Why does it have to be anonymous? You didn't do anything wrong.
As for the school, so what if they need your name. SHE is the one in trouble not you. A teacher who crosses boundaries with a student needs to be reported. Period. If not it could happen again to another student if she remains being able to teach.
A man or woman telling the truth doesn't mind being questioned.
A liar does.
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 11:30 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022
I find it extremely strange that the university staff member you talked to didn’t report this. In probably all states all employees of educational institutions are mandated reporters. By not reporting he's opening his university for legal trouble and endangering his job.
I think all states allow reporting of child abuse anonymously.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus