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Newest Member: Stark

Just Found Out :
Wife cheated with high schooler

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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 11:14 PM on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022

If I can add, even if there might not be an intercourse yet, their text exchanges are obscene and could be borderline sexting.
They call each other husband and wife.
In messages, they want to touch each other and sleep together.

Soliciting a minor for sex online is crime. No physical contact has to occur, but since she has kissed him, she can be in serious legal trouble. Protect yourself and your child.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1829   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8751733
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 11:15 PM on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022

It may very well be lies from your WW but as CT pointed out what you have told us is not smoking gun evidence of actual sexual contact with a minor. I'm with you, I swear, if it looks like a duck and all of that but the fallout for you and your daughter is significant.

Again I'll say: See a lawyer now. They can best advise if what you have is enough to report and how best to go about doing that.

I hope you copied those text exchanges.

posts: 249   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8751736
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 11:30 PM on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022

What "physical affair" are we talking about? The OP has said that he doesn't believe there was sex.

C'mon now... how many times do we have BS's show up here insisting there's no sex? And correct me if I'm wrong but don't we say that any physical contact (ie kissing) constitutes a physical affair? If this woman has had unsupervised alone time with this kid, I would say the chances that some extent of physical boundaries have been crossed are really really high.

And regardless of whether that line has been crossed, even 'just' inappropriate sexual/romantic discussions from a teacher to her special needs student 100% constitutes ABUSE of a MINOR. The fact that this students own mother is apparently encouraging and condoning this shit is absolutely revolting.

I stand by what I said earlier - this needs to be reported to the authorities asap. OP might not know 'everything', but IMHO what he DOES know is more than enough evidence that something majorly inappropriate is actively happening. My guess is that the authorities would agree.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3574   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8751744
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 JKai17 (original poster new member #80676) posted at 11:32 PM on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:00 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

posts: 42   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2022
id 8751746
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 11:49 PM on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022

Brother I'm sorry you're going through this but you need to act IMMEDIATELLY !!! contact an attorney and file for D tomorrow and protect yourself financially, forget about her reasons, your M is gone, your WW has most likely blown up her life already by getting romantically involved with a minor with special needs, teachers involved with minors are often sentenced to years in prison and are also faced with lawsuits that could also affect your financial situation and that of your child, so file for D and protect yourself first, drop whatever you're doing and contact a D attorney NOW !

posts: 2643   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8751750
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 11:51 PM on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022

C'mon now... how many times do we have BS's show up here insisting there's no sex?

The point is that the OP has enough plausible deniability that he can afford to get legal council before he goes jetting in to the nearest cop shop. Whether or not his wife committed adultery isn't the most immediate concern. No one is trying to excuse the cheater/child molester. It would just be nice if we could think about how this situation affects the OP and his child before we give him advice that bankrupts him. The damage to that kid is not his fault. It's the WW's fault. But he is chained to her financially right now. Her problems are his problems. Her liabilities are his liabilities. I do think it would be a different case if there was clear and present danger to the minor. Threats to turn the WW in to authorities ought to be enough to maintain NC until legal counsel can be achieved.

Of course, he is free to do whatever he deems fit, but the point of asking for opinions is usually about looking for pot holes and gaming out a strategy. What I'm saying is that he and his daughter's future matter too, and there's literally no reason I can think of for him to throw caution to the wind and proceed without professional advice.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5967   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8751751
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 JKai17 (original poster new member #80676) posted at 11:54 PM on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022

Thanks.

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:01 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

posts: 42   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2022
id 8751752
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 12:07 AM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022

Maybe the attorneys want her to get criminally charged so they can then go for full custody, anyway I'm glad you're taking action, I know it's difficult but you have to keep the eye on the ball in your situation, again your WW has blown up her life already (she just doesn't know it yet), your M is gone and your main goal now is to protect yourself and your child financially.

posts: 2643   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8751759
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Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 12:13 AM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022

Hopefully there was no sex but I am skeptical.

But you need to see a lawyer immediately and shut this down brutally immediately.

Remember when he is 18 this will be legal and you will lose a lot of leverage.

I know this is hard and an unbelievable shock.

Right now with what you have it is enough to get a lot of leverage in court.

Remember she told you she wants a divorce . That is really bad. She has checked out completely and is no longer your wife.

Because of the nature of this offense we can’t help but be focused on it but if this were an everyday affair with a grown adult we would still be telling you to lawyer up. She could hit you with divorce and hurt you bad in court.

There is no good in this situation but it’s illicit evil may give you some leverage. I know you didn’t want this to happen but a lawyer will give you much more accurate specific advise and can help point you in the right direction.

Don’t wait start looking now and set up an appointment asap. I’m begging you. You need to do it now.

She is clearly in a fantasy. She has no chance at a loving long term family with this kid.

Forget that this is a kid (although it may actually help you) she is in what is called in this world as Limerence or affair fog. Don’t get hung up on those terms but she is in a love fantasy land.

The illicit nature of this affair and forbidden love is feeding it. You are the enemy standing in the way of her happiness. You cannot trust her right now. At all.

The only way to stop this is to jolt her back into reality. Hard with consequences. You can’t love or nice her back. She will just hold you out until he is legal.

1 talk to a lawyer first.

2 expose her to all her friends and family. Be careful about your friends and family as you may regret it later.

3 after lawyer talk report her to the school and church. They will likely investigate for you. If she did not have sex she may not go to jail. This will shock her.

If she does come back (she may not) that is a real possibility and I know that’s scary.

You need to work with your lawyer to get something in writing to protect yourself in the future.

If you do decide to try and make things work you can post again and get advise but for now you are in danger and need to work to protect your self and your daughter.

Your daughter cannot be taught that what your wife has done is normal or ok.

I’m so unbelievably sorry for you. I cannot imagine what you are going through. You are strong already for how you are dealing with this now but it’s time to get even stronger. Talk to a lawyer and it’s time for a serious reality check.

I hope for the best for you. Best wishes!

posts: 52   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8751761
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Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 12:15 AM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022

Sorry I was typing before your last post.

Good job. You are demonstrating real strength and courage.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8751762
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DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 12:53 AM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022

Sir, first of all, I am so very sorry you are facing this atrocity. It is a nauseating and horrific betrayal. Full stop.

You are getting great feedback here and I want to add that the authorities need to he contacted asap. A childs well being is at stake and his safety needs to be safeguarded immediately. Contact the authorities (CPS), if you have not already, and report this. Your wife is involved in immoral and probable criminal behavior with a minor. The young mans mother is neglegent in her responsibility. I have had to report a close family member for much the same reason which endangered the well being of a child and it was very very difficult but absolutely necessary. Turned out that much more was going on than I knew at the time.

As was said before, your wife is not safe. She is not a safe partner, not a safe parent of your child, not a safe educator. Something is very seriously wrong with her and those who've been under her care need to be safeguarded.

Of course, you need to take appropriate measures to protect yourself from her as well. Proceed with D and push for sole custody of your child.

This kind of trauma is impactful in the extreme. Please surround yourself with support including close family and friends, a good therapist, a competent attorney. Resist the urge to isolate.

Strength, courage and healing to you.

"For they sow the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind."

posts: 71   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8751772
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 1:23 AM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022

I’m glad you are consulting attorneys. The advice to expose to friends and family is not sound advice. A minor is a possible victim of a crime. This needs to be handled through your attorney and the authorities.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1829   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8751775
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:25 AM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022

What "physical affair" are we talking about

Kissing is physical. At least to many people. Ymmv

I'm not going to quote the rest of your post. I will just tell you I know EXACTLY what "happens next." For a very long time,it was my job.

Look,Im not telling him to report it because I think she should be arrested. I'm telling him to tell because not telling puts him at risk OF LOSING HIS CHILD.

posts: 4674   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8751776
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 1:28 AM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022

High school teacher here, weighing in as gently as I can...

First, I'm so sorry that your wife's decisions have even put you here.

Second, your wife has lost her ethical compass (or has tossed it overboard). Her focus--like all waywards--is on getting that ego-feel-good and powerful brain chemical dump that comes from early attraction and new relationships.

She has betrayed you and her student. She has damaged your marriage, her student, and herself (both professionally and personally).

She's betrayed her marriage for sure (even if there hasn't been sex yet).

As a side note, her student's mother is failing her son miserably by encouraging this relationship in any way--the power dynamic, the age gap, and the fact that her new "daughter-in-law" is married. Yikes! Neither adult in this situation is to be trusted to act in this boy's best interests.

I see that you now know she is committing a crime

Report her. I'm so sorry. It protects you, your custody of your child, and the boy who is being failed by the adults in his life.

Protect yourself--legally and emotionally. Protect your sources of information and save proof in a separate, secure location.

You already know you can't trust her words. Her actions are showing you who she is right now.

[Edited for content when I saw he has talked to lawyers.]

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 1:35 AM, Wednesday, August 24th]

"Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet.
But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrs
Both in IC & MC
Married 31 yrs now
2 kids-both in HS
Attempting R

posts: 227   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8751777
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:35 AM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022

OP, I don't see anyone here telling you to report her because we want her to pay. I see most people wanting to make sure you and your child are protected.

Again,I strongly urge you to hire an attorney. Tomorrow. Tell them what you've told us. They will make sure steps are taken to protect your child,and you.

Whatever happens with her being charged,and attorney fees is unavoidable. Some are acting as if you have any control over this.

The truth is,teenagers talk. He's telling his friends. Kids talk.All it will take is one decent parent to hear about this,and the cops and cps will be at your door. Which is why you are being encouraged to get ahead of that,and protect yourself and keep your child in your care.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:42 AM, Wednesday, August 24th]

posts: 4674   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8751778
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MalibuBayBreeze ( member #52124) posted at 1:37 AM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022

JKai17,

Your wife's messages sound sexual because they are. They call each other husband and wife. She wants to peel his perfect kiwi and eat it? Ummm she's pretty much saying she wants to give him head. Where exactly does her maturity level fall because she sounds incredibly immature. On the other hand she could be grooming him, a standard pedo move while reeling in a victim. Push the boundaries a little further, see what gets a reaction, what's ok.

Please, I beg you, do not fall for the "there was no sex" bit so easily. Many members here will attest to the fact their WS would swear hand on heart, Bible, on their kids lives that nothing was going on. It was "just" blah blah blah. Cheating is based on lies and more lies so understand that. As time goes on it is very common to find out more truths, and changing time lines. Don't take her word as gospel because chances are she's full of crap.

As for any messaging between a teacher and a student on a personal level is unethical. She's a teacher, not a playmate. I don't know what's happening but there are way too many stories of teachers, seemingly mostly women, having affairs with young students. I don't get it, but that's beside the point.

Yes your child is important in all of this as well. She needs protection from a mother who at the very least has serious issues that need to be dealt with ASAP. How would you feel if sometime down the road a male teacher was sending her suggestive messages? Would you be so cavalier as this boys mom? Call the male teacher your SIL? Him call you "Pa"? Or would you be going stark raving mad?

A man or woman telling the truth doesn't mind being questioned.

A liar does.

posts: 3542   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2016   ·   location: Somewhere in the NorthEast
id 8751779
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 1:50 AM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022

I have read your post, but I haven’t had time to read the rest of the posts in response. I apologize if this has already been covered.

As a 45-year-old woman who teaches teenagers for a living, every fiber in my being is screaming no to the hell to the NO.

Honestly, it’s hard for me to even get to the infidelity part of it (I apologize; I know that us what’s most hurtful and relevant to you). I can’t get past all the giant red flags and awfulness of her getting romantically involved with a minor—a minor who is socially/emotionally atypical. A minor whose mother has serious deficiencies and who is failing to parent in a most basic sense.

I don’t know where you live or what the laws are, but this is illegal, immoral, and unethical. Report her. She should not be working with minors now, or ever again.

(Apologies again for not dealing with the infidelity aspect and for not reading other posts. I work with kids like this all the time, so the damage of that aspect of it is at the forefront of my mind).

Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020. DD2: 7/3/2020. Reconciling

posts: 236   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8751780
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 JKai17 (original poster new member #80676) posted at 2:03 AM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022

Thank you all for the support.

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:01 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

posts: 42   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2022
id 8751785
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:17 AM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022

He's a minor. He is being failed by all of the adults around him. He is on the spectrum. He IS a victim.

Hmm..He doesn't even know what a condom is? Seems like an odd thing to have talked with him about, otherwise, how would she know that?

posts: 4674   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8751788
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 JKai17 (original poster new member #80676) posted at 2:48 AM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:01 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

posts: 42   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2022
id 8751791
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