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Newest Member: Stark

Just Found Out :
Wife cheated with high schooler

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Dkt3 ( member #75072) posted at 12:17 AM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

I know for a fact him turning 18 will have no impact on your wife's consequences since the transgressions happened prior to him being legal consent age and also her being in the teaching profession. Status of limitations don't run out when the victim turns 18.

With that being said, unfortunately female predators don't face much in the way of consequences outside of a legal slap on the hand and public embarrassment.

posts: 111   ·   registered: Aug. 3rd, 2020
id 8752172
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 JKai17 (original poster new member #80676) posted at 12:21 AM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:05 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

posts: 42   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2022
id 8752173
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Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 12:36 AM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

Hi there,

Please don’t take anything I say badly. I fear for you. It’s like I see a guy on the train tracks and a train is coming and it’s about to hit you 180 miles per hour and leave you a bloody smear.

I am very confused by your post. So take what’s correct and ignore what’s incorrect.

Forget about it being a kid for a minute. Forget about reporting her to the schools and police. This is the one thing you need to get in your head immediately.

You need to see a divorce attorney. Not some investigator that doubles as an attorney or some other weird official.

You need a family law attorney that works for you and nobody else. He is there to protect you and your child. Not that other kid or the school or the church and sure as hell not your wife. Only you. He only works for you.

You should have already been on the phone with 2 or 3 of them and had some appointments.

You need a divorce attorney and you needed him yesterday.

You cannot think about your wife. Just you and your daughter and you need a professional that works for only you. Now immediately, today.

That is step 1 2 3 and 4.

They will give you some guidance. Hell they may inform the schools for you I don’t know but every day you delay you are putting yourself and your daughter at risk.

As another poster told you, you are taking things out of order.

Write down all of your concerns. Write down all of the concerns you have heard on here. Make sure you have all text. Every piece of evidence you have.

Also write out a time line of the entire story so far. Every detail of your wife’s affair. Write it out so you can be organized and tell your story accurately to the lawyer.

Your lawyer works for you not your wife so do not try and protect her or minimize in any way.

They need every detail and nothing but the truth so they can help and protect you.

You are not doing this to save your marriage. You are doing this because you are in danger and you have to act now. You need professional guidance by a professional who’s only interest is protecting you and your daughter.

I have some other things to say but I don’t want to confuse this message.

You need assistance. You need professional help in the real world. You need a professional in your corner. You need a divorce attorney.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve this. I completely understand what a shock this is. You were just a family having a great vacation and now all your lives are blowing up. My heart aches for you. I’m not actually saying you cannot try to save your marriage in the future. But you cannot do it right now.

Saving marriage is not step 1.

Seeing a divorce attorney that works for you is.

P.S. get an attorney.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8752174
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 JKai17 (original poster new member #80676) posted at 12:47 AM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:06 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

posts: 42   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2022
id 8752177
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 JKai17 (original poster new member #80676) posted at 1:04 AM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:06 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

posts: 42   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2022
id 8752178
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 3:07 AM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

I talked to a few D lawyers and they seemed like "lost interest" due to the criminal nature of my case.

So they said to me to talk to criminal lawyers and criminal lawyers said me to talk to victim lawyers.

With respect, I wonder if that is because when you speak with them you're bringing the criminal aspect into it. Don't think of it that way. Ending your marriage with her should be a completely separate question than her criminal liability. And I doubt that the laws of your home country are relevant unless you take her back there to divorce her.

Me: 60, BS -- Her: 59, FWS -- Dday: 11/15/03 -- Married 37 yrs -- Reconciled

posts: 439   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8752193
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 JKai17 (original poster new member #80676) posted at 3:11 AM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

T

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:06 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

posts: 42   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2022
id 8752194
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Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 4:11 AM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

There is a lot I want to say as I’m sure there are some deep seeded child issues.

We all develop different wounds and effects from negative effects from our child hoods.

But also sometimes it’s more simple than we want it to be.

One of the top maybe the top relationship expert (not really) but mainstream is a woman named Ester Perel. She admits that women are often attracted to what she calls "The Forbidden". Well "forbidden" often means evil. I’ll explain more.

One of the top actual scientific books is called "not just friends" take a guess why it’s called that?

But let’s get back to you.

If I were to guess I would bet this kid is 1 physically attractive. As an example Many of these women teachers are sleeping with the jocks at their schools.

Second he makes music and women are very attracted to musicians.

Your wife spent too much alone time with this kid. You have been married a long time. She’s in her 40’s so mid life crisis is probably contributing.

She has been going on dates with him. It did not sound like it but that’s exactly what she was doing. It sounded innocent but it was never innocent. A young horny teen was always thinking about sex with her from day one. Any one who thinks otherwise is delusional.

She has been dating him. That’s the reality. They have been really magical dates. Being in a beautiful church setting, playing music, having fun and laughing.

Then he’s really good so they have been doing competitions and there is so much anxiety and excitement. Then he does well and there is so much happiness and joy. It’s a potent cocktail for your wife.

Then she comes home to you and it’s the same life with kid, bills, responsibility and the same old same old.

Also the fear and anxiety help. The dirty little secret. The arguing on the phone. The hidden glances and kisses. The fear of getting caught.

Also the special needs and the bad family environment. Your wife is delusional so she thinks "he’s so good he just needs someone to love and nurture him" "He would be such a good father".

I would bet money he would be a horrible father.

Also the fear combined with the forced time apart create this dangerous cocktail. Since they cannot be together they are forced apart. If only they could spend more time together embracing their true love. But husband and laws and society are keeping them apart. So while they are apart she is thinking about him. She is scared of the consequences which actually makes her think about him more.

All the thinking and worrying actually makes her feel much better when she is with him. Much better than it would if it was a normal relationship between two adults. That’s why affairs are so dangerous. There are a lot of artificial factors built into them that make them exciting.

Also the mom is a factor. She becomes friends and she is supportive of their relationship. So there is now a new woman friend as well as a lover. So she gets 2 new relationships to fill her emotional needs.

This woman probably wants your wife to help take care of him. Another caregiver except one the boy has sex with. Also she gets a new friend to help with the responsibilities. She is not sane and cannot be allowed near your daughter. She is looking out for her son just like you need to look out for your daughter.

There are many sayings in this world of infidelity. One used here is "you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it" Another one that men use in these spaces is the quickest way to end your wife’s affair is to send her packing to him.

Think about if she leaves you for him. At first while you are going through divorce it would be new and exciting. So much fear and anxiety. But then it would be over and she would settle into routine. Then they are just watching tv like anybody else. He starts playing video games. But she will have the mother to talk too so she will fill the void. Then they will start fighting as a crazy woman and your crazy wife are bound to do. Also he’s not a good kid (lets not kid ourselves). He’s young and aggressive. Also a musician and your wife is old so he will start cheating on her. She is so going to screw her life up so badly.

But here is the rub.

How quickly it happens depends on your actions.

You cannot do nothing.

But you also cannot nice her back.

If you do nothing and allow her plan to succeed you will actually keep their relationship lasting much longer.

If you do not use your leverage she will get at least half custody of your daughter which means when he is playing video games she will be using your daughter to fill in the void when she should just be sitting there being miserable.

Also if she is awarded child support you will actually be funding their lifestyle. Don’t let that happen.

If you try to nice her back and stay in contact while he is sitting around or out with his friends she will be using you to fill in those dead gaps. There is a term in this world you will probably hear called "cake eating". In your case she will want to be friends so she can dip her toe back into her family life then run back to her magical love affair. Spend very little actual time together have sex go to sleep and repeat. Not spend all day together in the real world like she does with you now. Essentially she will still get to keep many affair dynamics which will keep her new relationship lasting longer.

You cannot let this happen.

You have the text. I actually said in my first post you need to move before he is 18. Later you shared that she texted that she is planning to leave when he is 18. Leave with your daughter so they can be a happy family. She is so delusional she is willing to destroy her daughters life for her magical fantasy.

You can’t let that happen.

I don’t know what’s going on but I can’t believe no lawyer is willing to help you yet. Is it because you are talking to them about your wife’s illegal relationship and not divorce?

You cannot trust her at all.

You seem to know this but your post get confusing.

You cannot defeat feelings with logic.

Sure she is upset. She is out of her mind but her brain still works. Logically she knows what consequences could come for her. What could happen to your family. But those feelings. Those feelings are really powerful. You make no mistake the number one thing on her mind his him. She has been yanked out of fantasy world. But she is thinking about and missing him.

Your seem to be using too much logic but at the same time your feelings are betraying you. She is still talking to him. Or at least his mother. I guarantee it.

You cannot wait until October. Also you need to make some moves and you cannot do that until you have sat down with a lawyer.

You need to tell her mom and brother exactly what’s going on so they can get in her ear.

But the lawyer comes first.

When you call the lawyer the first thing out of your mouth is not she sleeping with an underage kid and I want to get her in trouble so she ends the affair.

The first thing out of your mouth is my wife is having an affair and she is going to try and take my daughter to live with the affair partner.

Then you fill them in on the details.

You need protection first. Then you can try and save your marriage. If that’s what you truly want. If your wife is truly remorseful and wants to save the marriage she will understand the need for this.

This may not happen at first, it will freak her out at first but you have proof this was her plan. So you have no choice. When she is really ready to fix things she will understand.

I highly recommend you listen to a guy who has been on this thread name Bigger. He is really good on advice on how to talk to your wife.

Listen to everybody on here. They have a lot of experience and are smarter than me. They are pushing you because they have seen the same patterns play out again and again. Don’t think you are an anomaly.

Take care of yourself. Crossing my fingers for you.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8752200
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achilles1101 ( member #74132) posted at 4:19 AM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

Yes, I think it's strange as well when I called the police station of my city.

I explained everything to him and he seemed to feel sorry for me.

Then he asked does it happen in my county and I said no.

He told me you have to visit that county's sheriff office to report it so I said oh OK.

It is possible that you live in an unincorporated part of the county. If that area is adjacent to an incorporated city, your mailing address may list the city name. The Sheriff has jurisdiction in unincorporated areas. For example, Los Angeles has well over a million people living in unincorporated areas in the county. They would report criminal matters to the Sheriff. This does not include incorporated cities that contract with the Sheriff's Office for police services. That should have been explained to you when you contacted the local police if applicable.

Well it seems like there's no standard procedure for this "child abuse" case.

There is a standard procedure. Typically, a Deputy or officer would make the initial report, determine if an arrest should be made and determine whether the child should be removed from the home. If none of that applies, as I would guess would be the case in your situation, the report would be referred to detectives to conduct follow up investigation and determine a resolution. Ultimately the District Attorney determines whether charges are filed independent of any arrest or lack there of.

Hope this clarifies things a little. This is all based on experience with California laws and procedures.

Me: BH 56
Her: WW 49 Midlyfewife
Married 20 years, two children
D DAY 1: May 2019 confronted with evidence of PA, sexting, copped to one incident and the sexting
D Day 2: April 2020, after contacting OBS, confessed to 4.5 year long PA, AP much younger

posts: 362   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2020   ·   location: NorCal
id 8752201
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rambler ( member #43747) posted at 4:31 AM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

Not sure what your attorneys are telling you. File D and ask for 100% custody. In the petition for custody you introduce that your wife is having an affair with a 17 year student and is telling that 17 year old that he will be the father of your 7 year old daughter.

The court can make the criminal referral if appropriate.

If there is no sex there may not be a crime.


You need to do this before evidence disappears.

making it through

posts: 1335   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8752202
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 7:11 AM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

Brother I know this is hard but you're all over the place, keep the eye on the ball, you need to see a DIVORCE attorney immediately, just try to focus on that and tell the attorney you want to file for D, forget about the laws in your country of origin for now and focus on your case in the state where you live, you and your daughter come first, everyone else including the 17 year old who will become an adult in a few weeks comes second, you need to protect yourself financially today.

posts: 2643   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8752211
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 JKai17 (original poster new member #80676) posted at 8:15 AM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:07 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

posts: 42   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2022
id 8752212
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 JKai17 (original poster new member #80676) posted at 2:36 AM on Saturday, August 27th, 2022

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:07 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

posts: 42   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2022
id 8752497
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:02 PM on Saturday, August 27th, 2022

JKai. I’m sorry it has come to this. But I see your wife is just fallen off the "reality" path.

You need to protect yourself and your child. First and foremost.

Your wife can find continue to live her fantasy life. But when this all becomes reality, please don’t let her come crawling back. Without intensive therapy she will just come back as broken as she left. And that’s not a good time model for any child.

She should be prepared for potential prosecution as should the mother of this boy. It’s so sad all around.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12542   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8752541
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 12:58 AM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022

Strength to you in your time of need. I hope this sets your wife's mind straight and she can heal to be a better person in everyone's life. I'm sorry she brought her good life to this but tell her the best thing is to leave these two alone and go for help. Her lovesickness will resolve with no contact.

You are thinking of your daughter now and that is best. Sorry she was having her fun and leaving you to be the parent alone. Your daughter is blessed to have a good father. One day at a time. Keep eating healthy. Deep breaths. I'm sad for you with your marriage ending but happy you are protecting your future.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2388   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8752611
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 JKai17 (original poster new member #80676) posted at 7:18 PM on Tuesday, August 30th, 2022

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:07 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

posts: 42   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2022
id 8752983
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 7:35 PM on Tuesday, August 30th, 2022

I am glad to hear you are moving towards D. It sounds like you are doing what you need to do...

posts: 420   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8752985
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 JKai17 (original poster new member #80676) posted at 12:02 AM on Wednesday, August 31st, 2022

[This message edited by JKai17 at 11:07 AM, Monday, October 3rd]

posts: 42   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2022
id 8753045
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 12:06 AM on Wednesday, August 31st, 2022

She said after D, she will probably leave the state and go somewhere else.


Quite a mother.

^ This might be best for you and your daughter. I think your wife needs therapy, she doesn't sound well.

posts: 487   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8753046
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 2:19 AM on Wednesday, August 31st, 2022

I would get her to agree that you get full custody of your daughter, especially since she indicates her desire to leave your state and move somewhere else. She definitely needs professional help. She somehow thinks she is a teenager and that falling for another teenager made perfect sense to her.

posts: 681   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8753072
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