The book Women Who Love Too Much was another real eye opener for me. It's an older book, not too long and was spot on in quite a few area's.
I've been thinking about my situation and how some of the things that I am doing or have done can possibly help you out too.
A couple other terms that you may want to familiarize yourself with are spinning and spiraling. It pretty much means that your world in a moment feels like it is spinning or spiraling out of control. I am speaking from a layman's perspective because I lived this terrible reality on multiple occasions. Breaks my heart looking back on it but want to help you understand your situation better.
Usually something sets it off. For example, one night my deceased WH was drinking heavily. I mean he was pretty much blackout drunk. I don't think that he remembered what he did and how he treated me the night before. In fact, he didn't come home or even answer my calls. I was in a complete emotional and psychological shutdown mode.
Anyways, he was drunk DRUNK off his ass, pissed off and raging. I don't remember why but he was so angry. He got into his car and drove off into the night, drunk. Caused me to go into a severe terrifying panic attack meltdown. I was so afraid that either he would hit and kill someone or he would get into a car accident and hurt himself.
My world came crashing down in that moment and I began to have a pretty severe panic attack to the point I thought that I was dying. I reached out to a friend (who was also my Alanon Sponsor at the time) and she helped me to calm down to the point of realizing that I had no control over his behaviors. And he was going to do what he was going to do. She helped me to help my brain slow down and to stop spinning and spiraling. This incident also contributed to my PTSD and depression. I was NEVER depressed before. Hopefully, you also won't get to this point.
As I have stated in the past, you have a lot on your plate. But you are strong. Damn, I feel so bad for you. I just want your outcome to be different than mine was.
It seems like every little experience you have with your WH is negative and ugly and just adds more trauma to your brain and soul. You shouldn't have to be enduring this with your husband, of all things. A good and an emotionally happy marriage doesn't look like what he is doing to you.
Your WH is a sick and lost man just as mine was. And there really isn't anything you can do about it, just like I couldn't stop mine from driving off into the night while drunk.
Regardless of whatever his circumstances are, you can't save him and the longer you hold onto trying to fix and make things right for and with him, the longer you prolong your pain and injury. He needs to save himself. I took forever to learn this lesson too. And it's a decision that you need to make each day to let him go and to figure his own stuff out. It is a decision that will help lead you to action.
You will have slip-ups, just as I did today. I was determined and started my day out right and as my day wore on, I found myself slipping and wanting to crawl back into bed again. But I just tell myself that this is okay, I am allowed to have off days, just as you are allowed to have off and imperfect days too.
It's really okay if you cry, get angry with yourself (I've literally kicked myself in the butt lots of times because I got so mad at myself over some of the decisions or choices that I made regarding my deceased WH. Lol) But I also gave myself grace because I am only human and humans are allowed to make mistakes.
Now back to your WH. My thoughts are that you felt you messed up again by wanting him to come over and to help you out with the kids. Sounds innocent enough. But what you forgot to remember was that your WH is unreasonable. Maybe next time when something comes up where you want to engage with him, stop and think. What is the outcome you think is going to be like vs what the actual outcome is going to look like and not what you want it to be? Do you see him as coming over as a happy and helpful husband, father? Or a complete asshole and jerk? I know that I kept my rose colored glasses on for a very long time and only saw mine the way I wanted and hoped for him to be.
I want you to know, I'm not angry at my deceased WH much anymore (and not because he is dead. Dead or alive, I still get to feel how I want to feel about him). I am sad though. Who he was broke my heart.
What got me seeing him in a different light though is because I realized he was emotionally, psychologically & spiritually sick. He was an addict; alcoholic and sex addict. Obsessive/compulsive disorder. His illness was created due to his upbringing and having to endure alcoholism, emotional and physical abuse from his family. And then he became that way. His mom especially was extremely emotionally and physically abusive towards him. Sad. And his dad was disgusting too imo. He was an alcoholic pervert who thought objectifying women was the norm.
I am not making excuses for my deceased WH behavior and why "I" put up with it (That story can be for another day), I'm just saying that he was a sick man and this is why I am not feeling so much anger toward him (and for myself) anymore. And hopefully in time you will get there too.
There will be a light at the end of the dark tunnel that you are in. But you also got to work towards change to find that light. Change begins with you and facing you. What can you change about yourself and how you are handling you in your day to day life and tasks? And when a WH situation arises tomorrow because you know it will, how are you preparing yourself?
Start planning ahead and work on visualizing how you are going to take charge of yourself, your actions and make better decisions tomorrow. This is what coming out of codependency means, learning to take your focus off of trying to fix him and others and instead work towards fixing and bettering yourself.
One day at a time... yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not here yet but you have today. Focus on today to try and make things right for you and your kids. Make a plan for tomorrow when you cross paths with your WH. How are you going to handle it? Visualize yourself taking care of your business. You've got this. We are rooting for you. You can do it.
Knock knock. Who's there? WH, I'm coming in. No you're not, go away. We don't need you around today. Couldn't help myself. Lol