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Just Found Out :
Trust your gut. Back again

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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 1:28 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

Thanks guys. I woke up this morning still disappointed and upset with myself but not as bad as last night. I did get some good news though. My food stamps were approved and expedited so that's one thing I don't have to worry about. For a few months at least.
I'm focusing on school right now. I can't wait to graduate and build a life for me and my kids that wh would have never been able to do. Not without me. I'm hoping that this restaurant night job opens up soon. I think getting out of the house will be good. And having that money for daycare is pretty much essential in order for me to get my hours for my future career. That part I am getting frustrated with. I'm just sitting and waiting. Today is a new day. I'm hoping to hear from the lawyer. I'm going to work hard on feeding my new wolf and starving the old wolf.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   路   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8732243
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 5:24 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

Atta-girl! 馃憦

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   路   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   路   location: U.S.
id 8732302
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 6:28 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

Got my appointment with the lawyer. may 4th. May the fourth be with you lol.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   路   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8732319
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beauchateaux ( member #57201) posted at 1:24 AM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

Got my appointment with the lawyer. may 4th. May the fourth be with you lol.

I haven鈥檛 posted on your thread before but I laughed at this. Since I鈥檓 a nerd, I鈥檒l leave you with a fave Star Wars quote of mine: "Always remember, your focus determines your reality."

Focus on making a better life for you and your kids, and keep your focus on that. Keep your eyes on the prize and don鈥檛 let him knock you from your path again with his BS. You got this!

I edit pretty much every post because I always hit submit and then think of 'one more thing' to say.

posts: 302   路   registered: Jan. 31st, 2017   路   location: Chicago
id 8732390
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MeSherlock ( new member #80261) posted at 1:45 AM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

Sorry Elle2. Stay strong.
I'm like you. Looking for attorney that I can afford. Your support posts are very helpful.
I opened accounts for my kids with my name as well. I moved my money into the kids accounts. I did this when I suspected the A. At the time, I didn't have proof but was ready for him to get NOTHING. It is not petty. You milk him for every penny. Because after the divorce, you will always be vusy with your kids. He's out enjoying bachelor's life. Spending all yours and your kids money. Take everything from him. Even his shoes.

MS

posts: 25   路   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   路   location: USA
id 8732396
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 2:26 AM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

I discovered some more BS today and finally said that's it. He's been letting himself in, in the mornings to get the kids. I told him I need the key. If he wants to bring the kids to school he can but he is no longer welcome in the house. We will figure out an every other weekend schedule. You can start next weekend. You need somewhere for the kids to sleep, if not then they will be unable to stay with you. If you want to see them after school you will have to pick them up and bring them somewhere.
He said he could take the big kids but doesn't have room for the baby. I told him it's all or nothing. That he needs to figure it out or he won't be keeping them. That it's no longer my problem but if he wants to have them he needs somewhere for the baby to nap during the day at least.
I'm done being nice.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   路   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8732401
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 2:59 AM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

He's been letting himself in, in the mornings to get the kids. I told him I need the key.

Change the locks. He can easily duplicate the key he already has before returning the original. Plus, changing the locks puts you in the driver's seat and not dependent on his compliance. It also doesn't require any contact or communication with him.

This is how you need to deal with him going forward. You just take charge. Independently. You don't make demands of him, because in the end those are really requests, and requesting things from him gives him leverage to push your buttons. You just move forward on your own, and don't worry about whether he likes it or not.

[This message edited by morningglory at 3:04 AM, Thursday, April 28th]

posts: 168   路   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8732404
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 3:13 AM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

That's the plan morningglory. He wants to make it seem like I'm this horrible wife. That I'm crazy. I'm not. But I will do what I need from here on out to protect myself and my kids. He's goin gto go to bed every night and wonder why he's so dumb and ruined a perfectly good family for a bunch of "friends".

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   路   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8732407
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 4:29 AM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

Try to do everything in text or email going forward. No more talking. If you think he's trying to make you look crazy, you are going to need that paper trail. And document everything, and I mean everything. If/when he takes the kids. If/when he gives you money. If/when he says stupid shit to you. Keep a journal, keep every text message, keep every email. You're going to want to make sure he cannot make you look in the least crazy going forward.

you're doing great Elle

posts: 243   路   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8732417
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 2:11 PM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

When he gets a new cellphone and off our plan, will all of our text messages disappear? Just wondering if I need to save them all or something. Im an android and he's an iPhone so its not on the cloud.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   路   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8732458
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 3:18 PM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

I'm done being nice.

I have been reading your thread religiously and cheering you on. I cannot express how glad I am that you have finally reached this point because being nice has gotten you no where but heartbroken! It's time to start looking out for future Elle. Start making decisions for her (and her babies) and keep her as your focus.

It is time to put your game face on. You are going into battle. Bad news is that things are going to suck and be contentious and unpleasant. The good news is that this too shall pass. One day this will all be a shitty memory and the steps you take during this shitty time will determine how well you will be off when this is over. I have a feeling you are not going to even recognize your old self.

You are going to discover that you are such a bigger badass than you ever dreamed or realized, I KNOW you've got this.

Me- born in 1984Him- born in 1979We both have 3 kids from previous marriages and we share a two year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 207   路   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   路   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8732469
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 8:07 PM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

This sucks. So bad. I hate feeling like I can conquer the world one day and wondering how I'm even going to cook dinner the next. It fucking HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can a man way he loves you and donthis. And then thisnwhole time he's telling me I don't love him. I am starting to hear stories of what he was telling the other girl. Not stories but directly from the other girl. He makes it sound like I am a horrible wife. That his life has been pure misery for years. Unloved and unappreciated. And he also made it sound like our two sons are like...really sick. Or have a lot of needs. Our autistic son is mid functioning. He's verbal but delayed, sensory issues and sucks with emotions. But is happy and sweet and mostly outgoing. Our baby was "sick" a lot with ear infections. And my wh didnt do much with either kid in regards to them being sick. I was always the one taking them to therapies, doing IEP meetings, appointments, up at night with the baby. For him to use them like that is gross. I found out the ow went off my wh. Told him that she didn't want anything to do with him. It's too much drama. She realizes what she was doing was wrong and playing with fire but admitted to telling him maybe eventually they would date. But she's done with him now. And I haven't seen her number or anything on records so I believe it. Not because wh told me. But he has the new girl so I guess he found a replacement quick. I partly want to text her and let her know she was a rebound from his A.
I talked to my friend this morning. She's always good on giving it to me straight but a few things made me upset. 1) she kept focusing on what I needed to do. How if R is what we wanted that I would have to trust him totally and not check his phone. I told her well, that takes time. Afterall her was telling me he wanted to make it work but was texting the new girl and meeting her so ...tell me again how trust works?? 2) she was very adamant that his money is HIS money. He has been harping about this Disney trip I went on. Clearly not telling people the part of expecting me to pay for it with sex, but acting like I just went and spent all of his money. He told her that he wanted to make me happy so he said for me to go. Ok. So here's a trip, go. But I'm gonna make you feel like the biggest price of shit and user about it. Really? She said no that's not ok but if my husband was spending all my money I'd be pissed. I didnt really respond much to that statement. I'm tired of defending myself to people about being a SAHM. No one gets it. His money is our money just like when I was working my money was our money. I find it so hard to understand how people don't see the value of a sahm. And the thing is, I have two jobs lined up. Which was the plan when we moved. It's been the plan..nothing has changed on my end.
He sent me an article this morning of a list of things adults from divorced families hated. And some of them are just inevitable. I told him that. He said we just need to focus on the kids and that our older daughter knows he's not allowed in the house. I told him it is what it is. That I needed space to protect myself.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   路   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8732525
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 8:52 PM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

I talked to my friend this morning. She's always good on giving it to me straight but a few things made me upset.

Your friend is clueless. Take everything she said, wad it up into an imaginary ball, and kick it into the sun.

For the most part, I think people really do try to be empathetic. Some things though just defy our imagination and we have to experience them for ourselves in order to really get it. So, I won't say dump your friend, but I will say she's full of shit.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   路   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   路   location: U.S.
id 8732533
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 11:01 PM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

God it was crazy. I mean she agreed that he doesn't get to make demands. That me asking him to stop talking to other women shouldn't have even needed to happen..it should have been happening if he was remorseful. The SAHM thing and his money sucks. So since I don't bring in an income I don't deserve money? I work harder than anyone I know. Three kids is a full time job. But it's lost on many people.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   路   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8732565
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 11:44 PM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

I did quite a bit of SAHM time, and yeah, buddy... it's tough. It was always my fWH who ended up wanting me back home though because he didn't really want to pick up the slack. It's hard not being around other grown-ups during the day too. Sometimes, I'd get a part-time night job just to be around people.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   路   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   路   location: U.S.
id 8732569
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 11:47 PM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

Yeah it's lonely and burning and monotonous and mentally draining. I'm hoping for get a night job soon so I can have a little of my own money and get the hell out and speak to adults.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   路   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8732571
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 12:01 AM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

He sent me an article this morning of a list of things adults from divorced families hated. And some of them are just inevitable.

If he was concerned about how divorce would effect his kids, perhaps he should have thought about that when he was out having affairs. duh This is the natural consequence of HIS actions Elle, not yours.

And re: the SAHM thing. I've never been a SAHM but I have had two 1 year mat leaves and let me tell you, my very impressive, high-stress, high-conflict job is a walk in the park in comparison to being home with little kids 24/7. You have my respect.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 910   路   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8732574
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 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 12:56 AM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

Emergent, thank you. Sometimes it's nice to be understood. And I didn't say that but I definitely thought to myself "well you should have thought about that if you were so worried about it" but I didn't want to engage him in a conversion like that. Just another example of how twisted his reality is now.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   路   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8732591
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 2:28 AM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

When he gets a new cellphone and off our plan, will all of our text messages disappear? Just wondering if I need to save them all or something.

Take pictures of the texts, and save them to Drive or Cloud.

Communicate about serious matters via email, not texts, because those are harder to lose than a text.

posts: 168   路   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8732616
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 5:34 AM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

Don't listen to that "friend"anymore, she doesn't doesn't know what she's talking about. Go look up what a SAHM would make if she were out in the world, it's a lot for all the stuff you do, and yes you are deserving of money, it's not HIS money.

Thinking that you can just go back to "trusting" him after all he's done is insanity. You can't.

Is she talking to him too? It sort of sounds like it?

You're doing amazing Elle, keep your head up, your a rock star. Sure you'll have bad days, but you're still a rockstar!

posts: 243   路   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8732643
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