SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No she's not talking to him lol. She's just thinking she can help us get back together. I think she knows that in order for that to happen, I would need to do WAY more than him.
I had HORRIBLE mind movies all night. I finally fell asleep and then had a dream about it all.... I saw eveeythy they talked about and pictures. Videos. I got his phone and went through but all. He stopped deleting stuff when he moved out so there was a lot to go through. I woke up sick. I'm so tired of feeling sick. Of not knowing how it's gonna be one day to the next.
The texts I saw the other night though. Those are real. And vague but not vague. I wish he had someone telling him what an ass he is. What he needs to do. Even if he doesn't want to fix it but how to at least show some decorum during this process. It hurts that after 16 years and 4 kids with someone, they don't even have the decency to be a little sad their marriage is ending. I just woke up from that awful dream and now I have to put on a brave face for the kids. I'm so fucking tired.

I'm sorry Elle, that you have to go through this. *hugs*

Thanks No...I'm over it. I knew what to expect but that made no difference. He's been very different this time around. Doesn't give a shit. Is making demands of me before he would even agree to stop talking to other people. Going out partying. It's totally different this time around.

I'm having a very rough day today. I think the mind movies and dream last night just had me spinning before the day even started so I thought I'd post here just to get it off my chest. There are two things in particular that are playing over and over again in my head. First is for the brief moment that we discussed the possibility of reconciliation his immediate demand was that I promise to change. This was his response to me when I told him that if there was any hope for reconciliation the first thing that had to happen was stop talking to these people, "friends" as he calls them and stop going out. He flat out refused more times than I can count to do that until I promised to change. I told him that before we can get to the marriage and what we both need to change and work on and bring back to the marriage he would need to remove himself from these friendships and dedicate that time and energy to me in our marriage and our kids. And he continually refused. This morning he told our daughter that there's always a chance we could get back together. And that just breaks my heart. I don't feel like I should have had to promise something before he gave up cheating on me essentially. It breaks my heart because I know that it's not going to happen and he gave her false hope. I know that it COULD HAVE POSSIBLY HAPPENED but he wouldn't even give up the friends and partying before we could even start to talk about R. Is this crazy? In the realm of true R, should I have been willing to make that promise before he had to promise to stop the single life essentially?? Please be honest with me. If I made the wrong move that I want to know.
The second thing that is eating me from the inside out is the texts I saw the other night. New OW texted him one night to say "X and Y just left for dinner" meaning the owner of the store an this friend. Which to me immediately sounds sketchy because it makes it sound like they are being sneaky and trying to be alone and not seen. And then he says "I'm on my way!!" Then there was a text from the morning that I found them where he texted her at 930 am and said "I have a case of Natty (beer) and a cubs cup in the Jeep" her response "perfect!" So they clearly had plans. I can only imagine what. Probably drove to the beach to drink beer. All the things that we used to do. Before kids. But now it's not really that simple. And that's the issue. He can't go out and get that undivided attention and affection he needs from me because we have kids. It hurts so bad. And I know I need to stop worrying and thinking about it. But it's hard. And I promise I'm trying. I really am. But somedays all I want to do is scream or cry or drink. And I can't really do any of those things because of the kids so then I'm stuck with these feelings. Me and the baby go on multiple walks a day and it's all I think about. Showers used to be my me time and now it's all I think about there. Not every day. But some days.
And I try not to give a fuck about the girl. But somedays I want to text her and tell her to stay the fuck away from my husband. Or tell her that he's verbally abusive, or horrible in bed, or a million other things. But then I don't want to give her any power over me like that. I broke down hard today. And I had no one to call. No one to reach out to and ask for help. And then my baby is just sitting there throwing a book at me that he wants me to read because he doesn't care that mommy is sad or needs a break, he just wants to read the same book for the 17th time today.
It's not fair. And I know I sound like a toddler right now but damnt. I feel like pitching a fit. I want all the answers again. I want to know all the gory details. I hate myself so much right now.

Please be honest with me. If I made the wrong move that I want to know.

Nope. You were 100% right. And you know, even if you had conceded, he would still have cheated again.

This is not your fault.

Stop reading the texts. They are only hurting you. You need to 180. Detach. You need to start the healing process. NC except for the kids and finances.

I know. It's actually the first time I've seen any of their texts. I had suspected something was going on since he was so reluctant to commit to NC with these people. And i honestly didn't plan on it. I went to go restart a song for our son and just having that access.....my body took over. And it's funny because day he had been so nice and talkative which I guess is what made me suspicious to begin with. I think he probably thought he was close to having the best of both worlds. A wife to do all the heavy lifting, unrestricted access to the kids, and then a "friend" on the side.

Is this crazy?

I think you know the answer to this, you're just doubting yourself because that's what unremorseful cheaters are best at - making their BS doubt their own judgment and sanity. Don't fall into the trap. He is simply trying a new method of blame-shifting. And stop hating yourself - you aren't the one doing hateful things.

Finally, I agree with Hellfire - if you've saved the evidence you need, then stop pain shopping.

PS - I have three young boys and honey, I've been there. My H cheated when my second was 8 weeks old and I had a toddler. It's absolutely exhausting taking care of little ones but having to deal with this emotional devastation on top of it is almost unbearable. I don't have much else to offer on that front except to say that I understand 100% what you're going through, and I'll be sending good vibes into the universe for you. Hang in there - I promise you won't always feel the way you do today.

But you MUST detach, ASAP.

[This message edited by beauchateaux at 7:05 PM, Friday, April 29th]

Well good news is I'm not crazy at least.

Lol, he wants YOU to change? What about him? He gets to continue gallivanting with those 'friends' of his?

He's basically the definition of a cake-eater.

No, you're not crazy at all.

Of course you're not wrong. You KNOW that. Go back over your thread and LOOK at the way he treats you, like he's the fucking Queen of Sheba and you're some lowly peon. No. The guy is playing you, and he's doing it because he doesn't value you, the marriage, or the family dynamic. Is that what you want?.. to continue playing games of "Let's Make a Deal" any time you want to take your kids on vacation? The constant accusation that you're not doing enough for him when already there's so little of you to go around? And on top of that, he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants WITH whoever the fuck he wants, and he doesn't owe you any explanation???

What kind of life is that?

Seriously, you are ALREADY doing the lion's share. You don't need this guy. He's just more work. And yeah, I know it's way too early to be thinking about this, but it's entirely possible that you're going to meet someone else and that guy might actually cherish you. One man's trash is another man's treasure, right. And your WH treats you like trash. Go back and read your threads.

Yeah, he's having a pretty good time right now. But it's not going to be so fun when your attorney gets done with him. This grace period you've been giving him has been used to poke you in the eye with a stick. Release the kraken! Get a super sharp attorney and then turn that attorney loose on him. Next time, it'll be YOU going to the beach with a case of beer and someone new and HE can sit with the kids in whatever shack he can afford when you're done with him. Please... make us a list of WHY this guy is so fantastic and irreplaceable that you can't treat him with the same disdain he treats you. Seriously. I think if you sit down with a pencil and paper and try to come up with something.. something which has not been negated by his cheating and his utter lack of remorse over it, you'll be shocked with how little there is to admire about this creep.

Chamomile - HELL to the yes. Absolutely perfect post. Bravo.

Elle2 - what ChamomileTea said x1000.

No. You are not crazy.
No. You should not change, for anyone! If you need to change, then change for yourself. That change should be... detach yourself and NO more... enough is enough. You and kids first.

Funny how all cheaters think the same. Same characteristics. Make their betrayed spouse think they are crazy!! I guess that's their game plan. Somehow it works. Messes with our self confidence. No! Who is he to ask you to change? What is his qualifications? Does he practice what he preach? Is he a role model? Is he a good husband? This is like a a thief telling you to change your morals. Huh?

No. You are not crazy.
No. You should not change, for anyone! If you need to change, then change for yourself. That change should be... detach yourself and NO more... enough is enough. You and kids first.

Funny how all cheaters think the same. Same characteristics. Make their betrayed spouse think they are crazy!! I guess that's their game plan. Somehow it works. Messes with our self confidence. No! Who is he to ask you to change? What is his qualifications? Does he practice what he preach? Is he a role model? Is he a good husband? This is like a a thief telling you to change your morals. Huh?

I can't do this guys. I can't..I want to disappear into a fucking void right now. I dont want to exist. But not in a suicidal way. But in a "i wish I was never born" way. I don't want to be here and do this. I love my kids and I want them to have ME, but I wish I never existed. 2+ affairs, the loss of a child and my dad all within 4 years? It's not fair.
I put fucking makeup on tonight. He told our daughter there was ways a chance. And I thought stupidly I should meke myself look nice. If there's a chance right? Pick me! Pick me!
I hate myself. so much.

Your old wolf is exerting his dominance, Elle. He's in charge right now and he's going to continue being in charge until you shut him down. And you CAN shut him down. You are more powerful than you know. Look around you.. look at all you do and all you are capable of doing. This thing sucks, but it's not going to beat you unless you lay down and let it. FEED your new wolf. You can do it. Stop what you're doing and concentrate on nourishing yourself and your children, your home and your life.

You're okay. Breath through it. ((hugs))

Some days it's so hard to breathe through the tears. The anxiety. The anger. The sadness.
I know what I need to do but by the end of the day when I've done all the things for all the people and survived, I don't have anything left.
I know it will get better. I know it will. I will feed my new wolf.

But somedays I want to text her and...tell her that he's verbally abusive, or horrible in bed, or a million other things.

Tell yourself those things, instead. They're true.

I want to disappear into a fucking void right now. I dont want to exist. But not in a suicidal way. But in a "i wish I was never born" way. I don't want to be here and do this. I love my kids and I want them to have ME, but I wish I never existed...

This is suicidal ideation and is dangerous to yourself and your children. You need individual counseling, and most of all, to completely end this abusive (yes, abusive) relationship by going no contact immediately. This is urgent. Stop making excuses and do it. This is just as important for your children as it is for you.

I put fucking makeup on tonight. He told our daughter there was ways a chance. And I thought stupidly I should meke myself look nice. If there's a chance right? Pick me! Pick me!
I hate myself. so much.

This is happening because you have not followed everyone's on this forum's advice to go no-contact. We're experienced with betrayal and have been through what you're going through. The reason we urge no-contact is because it heals. Until you go no contact, your abusive husband will continue to jerk your emotions around, like a marionette on strings. Going no contact is cutting the strings, so that your emotions won't be ruled by him anymore. The healing process takes about a few to several months once you go NC, but IT WORKS. You will stop wanting him, stop caring about him, stop wishing you weren't around.

He can't go out and get that undivided attention and affection he needs from me because we have kids. It hurts so bad.

And who helped you make these children??

Your WH is so emotionally immature. He just irks me. If I could be in your shoes just for one day, I would kick his ass to the curb for you so quickly he would not have seen it coming.

He helped you to create this family and now he changed his mind? Really? How is this working out for him? It must be nice how these people can just get up and walk away from their families.

Doesn't want to play husband anymore. Has changed his mind about wanting kids because they take up too much time. Doesn't want to play house anymore. Is argumentative about taking some responsibility for his kids. Bitches and complains about everything. He sounds wonderful! Haha Not.

He wants to go back to the way things were, freedom and fun. No responsibilities. So he found someone who he could go and be wild party animal with him. Toss everything to the wind. His newfound "friend" sounds like such a winner.

Please do me a favor. If you find you can't gain your inner strength for you, do it for your kids, do it for your future, do it for your mother. Heck, please do it for me! I didn't get to kick my WH ass to the curb, so kick your WH ass to the curb for me! Please!

I remember those day's when I was pregnant and was very sick throughout a good part of my pregnancy. Mine found a "friend" on the side too. Left me to go play "golf" while I was sick on the floor. Couldn't even barely get off of the floor. And yet he could so easily without an ounce of guilt step right over me so conveniently to go and play "golf" with his friend.

You CAN move past this and rise above but you gotta take those baby steps and quit becoming putty in his hands when he is around. Took me forever to understand when my daughter kept telling this to me. And finally one day I began to get it. Read that book Women Who Love Too Much too. That was another eye opener.

Look, I'm far from healed due to my deceased WH behaviors and then his death but I am on a much better path to healing. Still have lots of down days and to be expected but if you don't get on some sort of path moving forward, you are going to keep racking up more new hurts.

And please don't beat yourself up when you have a down day because down day's are to be expected. I set goals the night before and by mid morning, I can barely get out of bed at times and end up staying in bed a good part of the day. Absolutely completely normal behavior for what I am going through. It sucks but it is what it is and I'm not going to fight it. I just go along with it until it passes. That is pretty much all I can do.

Try and do like others keep telling you to do... even if you have to take baby steps. For instance, just put it in your mind that the next time you see him that YOU are going to take a different approach in dealing with him. Prepare yourself mentally that you are going to approach your situation differently before you even see him. Devise. A. Plan. or YOU are going to continually allow him to run the show and eat you alive.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. And I'm telling you that you can do this.

I don't know how old you are but I somehow get the feeling once you are past all of this, your life is going to blossom. You are just going through a VERY VERY tough time right now because of HIM! HIM! Your husband. He is the one who is causing you all of this pain. And the sooner you remove yourself from him the best you can, the sooner you begin your journey to healing.

Has the term codependency passed through your thoughts at all?

I'm trying y'all. I promise. And tomorrow I will do better than I did today. And I guess most days that's all we can do.
I actually haven't looked up codependency, but I will right now.
Hmmm....I'm not sure I feel that I'm codependent. Maybe I am though. I don't and haven't ever needed to feel needed. I would have liked to have felt appreciated.
I feel like I'm hanging on so tight because bits all I've known for adult relationships. And I don't want to have separate Everything for the kids. Codependent. I'll think on it. It's possible.

Good morning y'all.
First I want to appologize for being so horrible last night. And making y'all worry. Im just in desperate need of a break.
I am embarassed to say my 11 yo witnessed me screaming at WH as he left last night. I was just so angry. Thinking about it still makes me mad. I (stupidly) invited him in to help with bath and bed with the baby. This was after we fought about how If I would have "been a better wife he wouldn't have stepped out the first time". When he said that everything just came rising back to me. The entire first R was pointless. I know we didnt really have a good R, and now I know why. He was never committed to it. He always believed that I was responsible for it. Thats why he's so convinced this time that it is all my fault and he wouldn't stop doing what he was doing until I COMMITTED to him for change. So anyways I told hi he could come in and help and he refused. Flat out refused. And I was LIVID. I screamed at him as he left that I hope he and OW have fun together and its nice to know that he is picking her over the kids and he can see the kids Monday morning before school, and then a few expletives mixed in. He would rather go and do whatever the fuck he wants vs spending time with his kids. Got it. His original plans were watching baseball with a coworker. But no sooner than he left did he call the new OW and go to a beach bar.
I know I keep saying "it get it" etc. And I of. I understand the reason for NC and all that. But its SO HARD TO DO. I blocked his number before bed. After I texted him probably 8 times (I know, I know). Im just so angry. How do you move past the anger of a WH being such an asshole. My Italian blood is boiling and I dont know what to do. I talked about it with my SIL and she's just absolutely flabbergasted. Apparently his mother has tried talking to him about it and he cuts her off and refuses to talk about it. I just dont understand. If he's so opposed to it, then why not just say "I want a divorce". Why tell me and our daughter there's a chance?