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Just Found Out :
Trust your gut. Back again


 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 7:33 PM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

Neko do you happen to know what company he uses?
Sis, it’s not dismissive! I get it. I just would like to start sooner than after and between wait lists, finding the time, and the expense, online is a bette riot ions for now. I’m very familiar with baseball lol so I’ll go with three strikes wink

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 348   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8735735

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 7:35 PM on Wednesday, May 18th, 2022

I used BetterHelp and had a great therapist.
Pros: If done via writing, can be done anytime. You can write when works for you.
If done via Zoom or phone, you don’t have the travel time and getting a sitter and all that. You can schedule when the kids are napping.
Since proximity is not an issue, you can don’t have to worry that your needs (trauma for example) are not found locally. You can get the best person for the job regardless of location.

Cons: The non-verbal cues are missing.

But I think it was almost easier to be so totally open and honest when I was "hidden" from view— although I definitely bonded with my therapist there was enough distance that I didn’t worry about looking/sounding/being pathetic. I could just be me.

One other advantage was it was easy to change therapists if you didn’t jive with one. And very affordable (at least it was 4 years ago).

Good luck!!

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4788   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8735894

 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 6:33 PM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

Hi guys just wanted to pop on for a few and check in. Things are still in process. Nothing really new to report. I’m finding it hard to process it all still. Hard to find any self esteem. Not that I need much. But it would be nice to look in the mirror and not feel like a total failure. At some point when we are trying to work through it he told me they talked about inventory and sales and shit. That it was nice hearing someone else process. And I remember him saying he could talk about it with several men in his life so I asked why these women. And he made sure to point out their jobs and what they did as a knock to me since I don’t have a job. Like the were so much more informed and smart and interesting. It makes me feel like a waste of space still. I hate feeling this way. Like I’m worthless. I’ve given the last few years of my life to my family and it’s been thrown in my face so much. The part that hurt about that is that I was here every day, listening to him talk about work. About all the problems he’s going through with finding good workers, their profits, their supply issues. But it’s not the same I guess. Or it wasn’t the same. I can’t help but compare myself to these women. Wonder what was so much better about them than me.
Money is also so tight right now. These gas prices are killing us. Luckily the kids are out of school so I don’t have to do as much driving but I worry about when they go back to school. My food stamps got rejected because they didn’t get my proof of income. I tried explaining it to them thag I get commission as a Travel agent and they pay out whenever the vendor pays it out. And that I haven’t booked any trips recently and don’t have any commissions coming up soon. They told me to send my pay info again. It’s just a clusterfuck right now. I have 2 weeks left if this semester and then a week break. We have a week at a beach condo coming up which will be nice. I was tempted to cancel but we would lose our money so we are going.
I just want to fast forward to Jan 2024. Hopefully by then I might be ready to sit for my boards and we’ll on my way to my career I’ve been working so damn am hard for.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 348   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8740851

leafields ( member #63517) posted at 7:08 PM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

You realize his rationalization was just a manipulation tactic, right? It was those women because of their 5h!t boundaries and they were available. If they were so awesome, why would they be sexting with anyone, let alone a married man? There's an old movie quote that goes something like: You know that white swirl at the top of bird crap? It's still bird crap.

It wasn't anything you were or weren't. He should have been more protective of your M. If he made a dig at you because you weren't working outside the home, he's just a jerk and was not truthful.

Hang in there, Elle2. You are an awesome person and worthy of respect.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: 2/18, Dday 2: 8/19, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1174   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8740857

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 7:21 PM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

So glad to get an update from you, Elle. I'm sorry you're getting the runaround regarding food assistance. Hopefully, it'll get squared soon. Is your STBX paying what he should be? Have you seen an attorney to talk about it?

The part that hurt about that is that I was here every day, listening to him talk about work. About all the problems he’s going through with finding good workers, their profits, their supply issues. But it’s not the same I guess. Or it wasn’t the same. I can’t help but compare myself to these women. Wonder what was so much better about them than me.

I wish I could just reach through this screen and give you the big mamabear hug you need right now. Sweetie, can't you see that this is about HIM and not about you? He's so ungrateful and so narcissistic that even though you were right there giving him the attention and devotion he craved, it wasn't enough because the void inside him is endless. Those other women can't fill it, not any more than you could. Cheating is about the cheater. As soon as you can accept that, you're going to start feeling better. You didn't do this. You didn't cause it. You couldn't have fixed it. It's about him. HE is the one who's "not enough" because he's not whole inside. He's a human-looking shell surrounding a bottomless pit of emotional neediness. It's going to feel pretty weird for awhile to not serve that function anymore, but eventually, not only will you get used to it, you'll have a hard time understanding why you put up with it for so long.

I believe in you, Elle. You've got this.


ETA: Don't be shy about contacting food banks in your area. That's what they're there for, and when you've got your degree and you're working, you'll be in a position to give back via donation.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 7:24 PM, Saturday, June 18th]

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5639   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8740859

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:31 PM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

I find it MADDENING 😡that the cheaters have to belittle the spouse. For any stupid reason they can think of too.

These OW are no more interested in your H’s career then the next guy. It’s all the charade they play. The affair is a fantasy that both the cheater and AP participate in.

You think these OW are smarter and more interesting? Really?! Are they CEOs of major companies?

Of course not. They are just regular people who give your sorry excuse for a H an ego boost.

There’s an old saying — they always affair down. It’s true. The AP is not smarter or better etc. compared to the spouse. The AP is just there and available and desperate so they take someone else’s mate and try to make them their own.

And to assuage his guilt your H has to lie to you about the OW and put you down.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12120   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740862

morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 11:00 PM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

Stay strong and quit talking to WW. He's a narcissist and likes messing with your head. The only way to stop him from doing that is to stop talking to him. You're doing well and there is nothing wrong with you. He is the one with things wrong with him. He's not good enough for you.

posts: 358   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8740866

WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 1:00 AM on Sunday, June 19th, 2022

Hi Elle2. Wish I could give you real hugs!

I have read your entire thread, and I am so sorry for what you have gone through, and are going through now. We have all "been there", but no one can know exactly what another person is going through.

And I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your son. There are no words. ❤️❤️❤️

Let me also say that you have been so totally blessed with the input that you have received here. With each post that you made, a thought would come to my mind, then when I read on to the next person who posted, and would see that they answered with such amazing advice that I never posted myself, knowing the others seemed to have all the bases covered.

There are just a few things I would like to say to you, and I hope you will know that they come from a place of love, support and understanding - as much as it is possible for one person to understand another person‘s situation.

First of all, so many of your posts deal with your hurt and disappointment in the fact that you are not able to make him "want you back". That he was not willing to "fight for you". The hard question I would ask you is, "If he came to you tomorrow, and said he wanted you back, and promised he would do whatever it took, would you actually want him back?" Maybe your response would be, "Perhaps, for the relief from the situation". Or, "Yes, if he promised". But would you really want him back? I think sometimes it is a gift that is impossible to see at the time, but when you can look back on his decisions and actions and his demeanor toward you and toward his children, it is so horrible to go through it, but you get a glimpse into who he really is. And if you focus on who he really is, instead of who you wished he was or who you want him to be, would you really want him back?

And along the same lines, the things he tells you, do you believe them? Or do you understand that he is saying them to make himself look better, to win the approval of people outside the marriage, and/or to make you look bad? I think you and I are a lot alike. We both seem to be people pleasers, and we both seem to want to be appreciated for the good things about us. But one thing my daddy always told me was to "consider the source". That anytime anyone said something to me personally, or something behind my back to another person, I needed to consider the source before I allowed their words/actions to hurt me, or to even deserve my attention. Are they a person whom I admire? Respect? Or are they someone who is "talking trash" in order to discredit me, make others chose them over me, or simply to hurt me? It’s easier said than done, but when we do not admire and respect someone, we should dismiss what they are saying/doing. If a person who does not truly care about me, talks about me to others in a way that is hurtful, I should pay no attention - not let it have an effect on me (as much as is possible). But if a dear friend or loving partner were to say the same sort of thing, but perhaps in a loving rather than mean way, I will be much more likely to take it to heart. To consider what they have said and to look within myself to see if there is any truth to it. Maybe I will come to the conclusion that they have a point, and I might need to address some things. Or maybe I would come to the conclusion that they are not accurate in their assessment of me, but I would at least know that they said it in a supportive loving way for pure purposes. So, please pay no attention to that shit load of vile things that you’re WH says to you or to others about you. He is not a loving caring person who wants to love and support you. Try your best to get to a place where his comments are not even hurtful. Pitiful really. ESPECIALLY when you know in your heart they are not true.

And this…

It sounds like you and I might be alike in another area, and that is in the desire for some kind of control over our lives. At a glance it doesn’t seem dysfunctional. The actual truth is that there is no such thing as "control" over another human being, unless they are incarcerated and you are the prison guard. And really, who would want that responsibility… to have control over another person’s life. We don’t really even have total control over our kids, especially when they get a bit older. Influence can be a positive thing. But control is not healthy for the one imposing it, or the one who is suffering from it.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I have a spiral ring with this engraved in it that I wear on my thumb every single day. And if the fact that it is stated as a "prayer" it’s not your preference, you can leave off the first word and apply it in the exact same way as a mantra instead of a prayer.

Again, I’m so very sorry for what you are going through, and what you have been through. I’m so sorry that you lost your daddy. And I’m so sorry that it turns out that your WH was not the man you thought he was. And, mostly I am so very sorry for the loss of your child. I can’t imagine any tragedy worse than that.

But let me say that although they can be a hardship in times like this, your children will pull you through this without you even knowing it. Your dedication and love for them will push you on - on the days when you would not be able to go on otherwise. And on days when you UNDERSTANDABLY want/need alone time, never forget that you are blessed that they are with you, and not with the poor excuse for a man that has put you in this position.

He doesn’t deserve them…or you.

I will continue to watch your thread.

You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.

At least for a while every day, keep your eyes/thoughts on the life you WILL have when you have triumphed over this mess, rather than the life you are living now.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 1:16 AM, Sunday, June 19th]

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7413   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8740871

 Elle2 (original poster member #64338) posted at 3:22 AM on Sunday, June 19th, 2022

Thank you so much to all of you. I felt bad popping in a dropping a poor me moment but in was struggling. Tomorrow is our sons bday, he would have been 3. And it’s Father’s Day. It’s so hard to go into a day like that with so much already in my mind.
I am a people please. I do want to be appreciated for the good I do. I’m not a fabulously organized, creative or even patient person. But I do consider myself genuine. And compassionate. And loyal. And to have all of that questioned….it hurts. And to have someone who loved me tell me he hates me with every ounce of his being….and the gaslighting. God that’s the worst. I KNOW I didn’t do this. But it makes me feel worthless and like I did. I know he will never get his fill. I know nothing will ever be enough. I know it was t about their business savvy sense. They were low hanging fruit. He’s very charming. I’m bot fun and spontaneous anymore. I have kids and bills and a messy house and grad school and a million things and all I needed wa a husband that did his part and made me feel like he appreciated what I did. And instead he made the decision to lie and deceive and spend time and energy on these women that he could have put to our marriage. But he needed that ego stroked and I wasn’t doing it because I knew the truth of his life. I knew who he was. I wasn’t going to throw a party because he watched me fold laundry while he played on his phone, or while I bathed and got our three kids ready for bed after I also cooked and cleaned up from dinner. I didn’t have the energy to stroke anything.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 348   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8740880

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:22 PM on Sunday, June 19th, 2022

You hit the nail on the head.

He needed his ego stroked and I wasn’t doing that because I knew the truth


You have a very full plate with kids that need to be first. Then grad school. Then you & your spouse.

He just is a sad person that needs your full attention as though he’s a child. You are putting your kids first - he’s playing on his phone. He cannot even be man enough to help out without being asked or told.

He’s more of a child than your young children lol.

Is he jealous of you? Is your going to grad school threatening to him? I am grateful both my H & I finished grad school before we had children. That is a tough schedule and I applaud you for undertaking that.

Does your H have a fragile ego? I never thought my H did but his affairs were clearly a need for some type of validation. I supported my H and his career included travel all over the world for 20 years, yet for some reason he needed that ego boost from others.

All this to say that I don’t want to see you put yourself down b/c some insecure lying cheating jerk decides that the marriage is not working b/c YOU didn’t cater to a man-child.

It doesn’t appear he pulled his weight. Any person who watches another do basic tasks and doesn’t help is in no position to pass judgment IMO.

And I’m certain if his OW saw that scenario unfold they would not be "praising" him either. In fact they might be running the other way.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:24 PM, Sunday, June 19th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12120   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740891

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:32 PM on Sunday, June 19th, 2022

Regarding the question asked "do you want him back?"

Right now your answer may be "yes".

But you may have a change of heart down the road. Sometimes the cheater pushes the boundaries to a point where there is no going back.

I was at that point — completely indifferent and I did not want to R. But with my own counselor and support we were able to R. But it took me 6 months to stop thinking of D him every damn second. It took one year for me to not think "I’m D him" every day.

My point is that you will start to re-evaluate your M (and him). If you truly decide you don’t want to R b/c there’s too much water under the bridge, then that is not your fault that you are making that decision.

I can tell you I never had any guilt for any decision I made. I know no one wants to D especially b/c of young kids. But I believe two households are better than one toxic unhealthy household. And if staying married isn’t going to be a happy situation, pleas don’t stay for the children’s sake.

Sometimes what’s best for you has to be a priority.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12120   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740892

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:32 PM on Sunday, June 19th, 2022

I do consider myself genuine. And compassionate. And loyal.

It's very, very difficult to maintain good self-esteem under the conditions you have to deal with, but the more you're in touch with yourself, the better life will be.

Genuine, compassionate, and loyal are characteristics of good people. You can't be all 3 unless you have a core that realizes you're a loving, lovable, and capable person. You have the core of good self-esteem, and it came to the surface when you wrote those words.

I urge you to keep repeating those words and adding more. Repetition is key - not easy, but key. One thing that makes it easier to keep saying is that the words are true.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:32 PM, Sunday, June 19th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27292   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8740915

tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 9:09 PM on Sunday, June 19th, 2022

You are dealing with grief from your son and of course the loss of the man you believed you married.
However he has proven he is a POS. SO F him and the horse he rode in on. Stop communicating with him. Only kids and finances. You don't have time for his nonsense. You are actively working your ass off to improve yourself and provide a better life for your kiddos.
He projects his shit in you because it helps him feel better. Guess what he fired you from being his wife so he need go elsewhere for that abusive outlet.

Hold your head high and remember you are freaking awesome.

Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19326   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8740969

wiserinsocal ( member #18487) posted at 10:00 PM on Wednesday, June 22nd, 2022

Elle2, do what has been prescribed for so many times, trust your gut and you do you, for a change I suspect.
No won else can make us happy you know this. I pray for you to be wiser than you need to be. It hurts to be so but it helps in the long run.

"It's the intangibles that are fragile"- WiserinSoCal

"The Main things are the plain things, and the Plain things are the main things" - Alistair Begg

Every one needs to believe in something, or they will fall for anything...

posts: 1804   ·   registered: Mar. 6th, 2008
id 8741424

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:16 AM on Thursday, June 23rd, 2022

Elle, please be aware that he is so shallow that he will bail out on anyone who needs him to be an adult. There are posters here who were left because they got sick. The number of people I read about whose SO cheated when they got cancer is astounding. Your husband is the poster child of why we succeed only if we have good genes, a supportive family and a decent peer group. You can overcome some of those but choosing the wrong peer group torpedoes the others. The perfect example is the bunch of losers your H hangs out with. He might be rich in money but he is below the poverty level in honor, good morals, good husband, good father. He stinks in all the important ways.
Keep going. Make a list of necessary things you need to do and start with number one. Do that first and then do the next. Just do whatever comes next so you aren’t overwhelmed. Give yourself an hour each night to recharge. Take a long bath or brush your hair or paint your nails. Give yourself an hour a day not to worry. That mess will wait. Your mental/emotional health needs a break. Be good to yourself. Stop giving a sh** what he says. The man is loco………and a loser.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3343   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8741495
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