Hi Elle2. Wish I could give you real hugs!
I have read your entire thread, and I am so sorry for what you have gone through, and are going through now. We have all "been there", but no one can know exactly what another person is going through.
And I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your son. There are no words. ❤️❤️❤️
Let me also say that you have been so totally blessed with the input that you have received here. With each post that you made, a thought would come to my mind, then when I read on to the next person who posted, and would see that they answered with such amazing advice that I never posted myself, knowing the others seemed to have all the bases covered.
There are just a few things I would like to say to you, and I hope you will know that they come from a place of love, support and understanding - as much as it is possible for one person to understand another person‘s situation.
First of all, so many of your posts deal with your hurt and disappointment in the fact that you are not able to make him "want you back". That he was not willing to "fight for you". The hard question I would ask you is, "If he came to you tomorrow, and said he wanted you back, and promised he would do whatever it took, would you actually want him back?" Maybe your response would be, "Perhaps, for the relief from the situation". Or, "Yes, if he promised". But would you really want him back? I think sometimes it is a gift that is impossible to see at the time, but when you can look back on his decisions and actions and his demeanor toward you and toward his children, it is so horrible to go through it, but you get a glimpse into who he really is. And if you focus on who he really is, instead of who you wished he was or who you want him to be, would you really want him back?
And along the same lines, the things he tells you, do you believe them? Or do you understand that he is saying them to make himself look better, to win the approval of people outside the marriage, and/or to make you look bad? I think you and I are a lot alike. We both seem to be people pleasers, and we both seem to want to be appreciated for the good things about us. But one thing my daddy always told me was to "consider the source". That anytime anyone said something to me personally, or something behind my back to another person, I needed to consider the source before I allowed their words/actions to hurt me, or to even deserve my attention. Are they a person whom I admire? Respect? Or are they someone who is "talking trash" in order to discredit me, make others chose them over me, or simply to hurt me? It’s easier said than done, but when we do not admire and respect someone, we should dismiss what they are saying/doing. If a person who does not truly care about me, talks about me to others in a way that is hurtful, I should pay no attention - not let it have an effect on me (as much as is possible). But if a dear friend or loving partner were to say the same sort of thing, but perhaps in a loving rather than mean way, I will be much more likely to take it to heart. To consider what they have said and to look within myself to see if there is any truth to it. Maybe I will come to the conclusion that they have a point, and I might need to address some things. Or maybe I would come to the conclusion that they are not accurate in their assessment of me, but I would at least know that they said it in a supportive loving way for pure purposes. So, please pay no attention to that shit load of vile things that you’re WH says to you or to others about you. He is not a loving caring person who wants to love and support you. Try your best to get to a place where his comments are not even hurtful. Pitiful really. ESPECIALLY when you know in your heart they are not true.
It sounds like you and I might be alike in another area, and that is in the desire for some kind of control over our lives. At a glance it doesn’t seem dysfunctional. The actual truth is that there is no such thing as "control" over another human being, unless they are incarcerated and you are the prison guard. And really, who would want that responsibility… to have control over another person’s life. We don’t really even have total control over our kids, especially when they get a bit older. Influence can be a positive thing. But control is not healthy for the one imposing it, or the one who is suffering from it.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
I have a spiral ring with this engraved in it that I wear on my thumb every single day. And if the fact that it is stated as a "prayer" it’s not your preference, you can leave off the first word and apply it in the exact same way as a mantra instead of a prayer.
Again, I’m so very sorry for what you are going through, and what you have been through. I’m so sorry that you lost your daddy. And I’m so sorry that it turns out that your WH was not the man you thought he was. And, mostly I am so very sorry for the loss of your child. I can’t imagine any tragedy worse than that.
But let me say that although they can be a hardship in times like this, your children will pull you through this without you even knowing it. Your dedication and love for them will push you on - on the days when you would not be able to go on otherwise. And on days when you UNDERSTANDABLY want/need alone time, never forget that you are blessed that they are with you, and not with the poor excuse for a man that has put you in this position.
He doesn’t deserve them…or you.
I will continue to watch your thread.
You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.
At least for a while every day, keep your eyes/thoughts on the life you WILL have when you have triumphed over this mess, rather than the life you are living now.
[This message edited by WhatsRight at 1:16 AM, Sunday, June 19th]