Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024

I want to reach out to a possible AP

I feel embarrassed that the thought is consuming me so much that I need to post here but....here I am.

There has always been this one woman. A single text from my husband to her. Thats has never ever settled with me since I saw it 8 years ago. This woman was a coworker (aren't they always) and back then there was not a single speck of trust issues. I never liked this woman. She always came off as trying to hard to suck up to me on the rare occasion I saw her and then bought our newborn a few things. It never really sat right with me. But like I said, trust issues didnt exist. I always said my husband could get stranded on a deserted island with th shooters girls and I would trust him (God to be that trusting again....). My STBX invited her and her husband and son to the party bc the son was our daughters age. They did not make the party. That day was a HORRIBLE day as my STBX ended up chasing my cousins husband around the party (literally running after him as he took his shirt off to try and fight him). He was corralled into our house by my cousin and friends husband and in there he said horrible things to both of them before he jumped in his car and sped off and I was left to apologize, say goodbye and clean up on my own. He eventually came home and for the first time in our relationship I remember feeling like I needed to check his phone. I saw where earlier in the day, OW had let My STBX know that they wouldn't be able to make it and hoped we had a great time (totally appropriate text) to which my STBX replies "it would have been better if you were here". I asked him about it and he said I was blowing it out of proportion and that he was just saying it to be nice and cordial. Back then I wasnt who I am now and I just took his word for it, and it just stuck with me ever since. Knowing what I know now with how he acts when hes cheating, I can see that her response and his behavior that day line up quite a bit. And that the guilt from all he had been doing (at least what I THINK he was doing) caught up with him and he acted out. It's pattern for him that I didnt know back then. Ive asked about this multiple times over the years, when we were in therapy etc and hes always denied anything with them. My gut has always told me there's more to it. Back then especially he was working 6 days a week. It was a large upscale furniture company that was like a big party most days. They had total and unrestricted access to each other. I didnt monitor him or check in on him bc I completely trusted him. They had the opportunity to go anywhere and the store was VERY large and they also had an even larger warehouse that would be easy to sneak away to. I know closure isn't something we usually get. But tonight as I was showering (and when I do my most destructive thinking it seems) I got hyper fixated on them and that situation. The mind movies took over and I wanted to text my STBX so bad and ask him about it again but I knew it was pointless bc hes never been honest, even when I thought we were in R after the first DDay 6 years ago. Would it be absolutely ridiculous to message her and ask her about them? We havent spoken in years. Back then she was in a horrible marriage (according to her) and I know that she had an A with my cousin, but now she seems happily settled and doesnt work at the store anymore. I thought that maybe I could reach out and see what she says? Im sure the answer will largely be NO but im so tired of all these questions and intuition and not having anyone around that has one ounce of self respect to at least give some type of honest answer after what they've done. She feels like the only one that may be honest with me bc she doesn't give a shit.

8 comments posted: Monday, June 17th, 2024

Here again

This is my 4th time finding out. Some of you may remember are from before. We were going to divorce and then...we didnt. I couldnt tell you why. It just never happened and we fell back into old habits. Well the last 6m-1yr ive noticed red flags. Even brought it up to him. And of course he said I was crazy, that we will never be able to move on in our marriage if I dont trust him. Well Friday I saw a text on my lap top. His messages still go to my MacBook. I never really check them but I did that day. The number was AP#1 and it was a very quick comment about work (they work at different locations for the same company). She had a straightforward response. He then messaged her again a few hours later that made no sense to the other tow and then again that night he messaged her at midnight a meme of a nerdy guy say "psst come here". SO I knew something was up. But no texts had shown up so then I assumed there was a burner phone or emails at work. The reason why is because then he sent that 3rd message that mad no sense in regards to the first two, he had picked our son up form school and ran up to work to "check on things" so I assumed communication was happening at work. Well just so happened that today I had the 3yos carseat and needed to bring it tom him before I went in to work. He was at a "meeting" (which I saw them refer to a "date" later so im not Sure if there really was a meeting) so I went into his office and check his emails. Eventually I found a link in his deleted emails folder that let you restore old deleted emails. There they all were. I was shaking and sick. And then husband calls me and realizes im at his desk and gets weird. Tries to joke about me "snooping" but I just said I was looking at houses and showed him the screen for Zillow. We hang up and he calls back almost immediately and finds ways to keep me on the phone for 15 minutes until he pulls up to his work. I took pics of two emails and forwarded one to me. I didnt get or see as much as I would have liked bc there was a lot to clean up after restoring and opening just a few. I actually didnt delete one of them so he may look and realize I saw something. Or not. Regardless it's done. Im not doing this again. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. Im hoping OW husband actually gives a shit this time. Last time he was like "oh she jus has guys friends" blah blah blah but this time she had told my husband that she was going to block him after the midnight text so hopefully that means her husband actually will care this time.
I guess this time im here for advice. Now that I know whats going on, and I have my mind made up on how this is over, I need guidance on how to be intentional with my next few steps. I want it to be very planned out so I can do what I need to do and there's no question about whats going on. I want to let her husband know. I want to make sure I dont get looked at as the issue in the marriage this time. Now dont get me wrong, Im not trying to take out a billboard, but I would like how thoughtfully planned my exit is, leaves no doubt that he wronged me.

62 comments posted: Thursday, May 9th, 2024

180 details

My STBXH will be moving out June 1st. I was hoping this weekend but this was the compromise we worked out. I feel absolutely no emotions except anger and sadness when he is here. We have 3 kids. Being bubbly and fun feels so fake and I see him turn into "Disney Dad" and it makes me so angry that we couldnt be that person when it mattered, and it feels like such manipulation, especially for our 13 yo daughter.
Where can I find info on the 180. I know how it works generally but I think a more in-depth understanding is needed because I am struggling to maintain any type of positive attitude. Im not in a bad mood but Im just...sad. I know I need to fake it. But today all the sadness just has overwhelmed me. I felt prepared for this moment as I had a feeling something was happening for a while but it still hurts like hell. Hes a stranger. I literally have no idea who he is. how can a person say they love you and want to spend the rest of their life with you and SOB to you about how proud they are of you when they were just having phone sex, sexting, and meeting up with another woman. Make it make sense. I was always faithful. I wasnt always the best wife but I blame my intuition for not letting me be the "wife he needed" (and of course thats the reason he found his was back to OW ).
How the hell do I survive living with him for 3 weeks.

5 comments posted: Thursday, May 9th, 2024

I have no other options

Ive given my WH chance after chance. I found his 4th affair today. I knew something was up for a while but he was a little sneakier this time so it just ate away at me for a while until the opportunity presented itself to look at his work emails. That being said, I want to have everything in a row when I out him. I have no intentions of working through it this time. Hes done nothing but gaslight and manipulate me when I would mention how I felt like something was going on. "we cant move on in this marriage if you won't trust me". Yeah well we cant move on if you continue to cheat. So what guidance do you have to offer. Im struggling with the logistics and finances of a lawyer. Im also struggling with the typical issues. Wanting to know all the things. Mostly just how long it's been going on. I know I won't get an answer. Id been preparing myself of this possibility for some time but it really didnt help once had the proof infant of my eyes. I feel worthless and weak. I just want it all to go away but I know that this time I need to push though and get a divorce. So. What do yall got, What do I need to know? We've been married almost 16 years (16 in October). Im about to finish my masters degree. We live in Florida and currently live with my mom (we moved in to help her out financially after my dad passed away. We are looking at houses as we speak, but obviously I won't be moving out. Any other pertinent information?

121 comments posted: Tuesday, May 7th, 2024

How to even start?

I recently caught my WH in his second EA. I still find it hard that it was never physical as he was lying for a very long time about what he was doing and where he was going. By the time I started tracking him, every single time he left the house to "go on a drive" he was with her. At work, and even at her house. Sometimes he would sit in parking lots. That was where I found him. She was not there so I do not know if the plan was for her to meet after work or what but he had a history of being in parking lots as well. Anyways, all of that is for the other forum.
I kicked him out of the house that night, he packed some stuff and left the next morning, leaving his ring on the table without so much as a second look. We have a lot of factors in the air. I applied for Food stamps, and for an income based lawyer. Im a SAHM without much of an income. I just started as a travel Agent but I dont make consistent money with that. He won't tell me where he is living so he can't just come pick up the kids for his weekends or whatever. But this last weekend I was pretty much an on call "babysitter" trying to get stuff I needed to get done that I would normally be able to get done if I had a supportive helpful husband at home (mostly school work and work work) only for him to bring 2 of the 3 kids home after 2 hrs because the baby needed a nap and the 7 yo didnt want to stay with him.
We told our 11 yr old last night that we were divorcing. She cried. We went through the typical conversation. That nothing she did caused it etc. She has an older half sister (from WH previous marriage) and we let her know she was aware and there for her if she needs to talk and doesn't want to talk to us. They have already been talking about it. I think it has helped tremendously to have a big sister that's been through it to let her know it will be ok. Im living with my mom. We all were actually. We sold our house and moved in to help her after my dad died. Im also working on my masters degree so she's been helping with the kids a little too. Well my WH is pissed at my mom now. He thinks she used him(because when we moved in we took over a majority of the bills to help her because going from 2 incomes to her Publix cashier income was hard and she was falling behind). That she's walking around bad mouthing him etc. None of which is true so the tension here is rough. He picks the kids up for school in the morning (he was the one who brought them so he said he would like to still do that) and he has been coming after work to spend time with them. The issue is that my mom is not happy to see him. He has done nothing to make amends to her for doing this AGAIN after he promised her it would never happen. So when he's here he ignores her. My mom basically hides in her room. Im not sure how to navigate this. I am trying to be cordial and do everything I can to keep the kids routine normal and not just push their father out. However, this is my moms house and I dont think its ok for him to behave this way when he is here and I dont think my mom should feel like she has to hide. I told him yesterday that this situation needs to get sorted out so they could at least be in a room together and he said no he didnt. That he didnt have to do anything. That my mom is a horrible person and he didnt have to talk to her ever again. But he will. My mom is very much a part of the kids lives. We live here for Gods sake. Wherever he is living he said he didnt have room for a crib ( I won't let him keep the kids overnight until I know where he is living and he refuses to tell me) so when I would need him to take his turn with the kids, he would essentially be here and I would leave. Its a clusterfuck. I know. But I just dont know what to do. How did you all navigate less than desirable living situations when you were separated. I dont want to be an asshole and tell him he can't come over until he talks to my mom because that hurts the kids, but if I let this continue it hurts my mom and honestly right now, I need my moms support. I just got hired for a new job and it was going to require a lot of support from my HUSBAND with childcare and musical chairs for school pick ups and stuff but now that he is my WH, im going to rely on my mom a lot more than I want to.

9 comments posted: Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

Trust your gut. Back again

Welp I'm here again. I've had a feeling for a while WH was cheating. I had the random thought to check phone records and a number was there. Tons of text/picture/video messages. I couldn't see what they said or what they were of but nothing lines up with what was in his phone. I sat on the info for a few days and gathered my thoughts. He started going on drives in his new Jeep. I started tracking. He would say he is in one place but tracker shows another so tonight I went to where he was. No OW but I told him I knew. He tried telling me she's a friend and he was sending pics of the kids. Yeah. Ok. And you delete those messages and have to sit in random parking lots to do that. At midnight. I know he probably bwont ever give me the full truth. I'm in shock a little. I haven't had a large reaction yet. I was considering texting her. Or going to her work. She works at the cvs by our old house. He used to come home and talk about the CVS ladies. He made them sound old. I should have known then.

245 comments posted: Saturday, April 16th, 2022

Book for healing after an affair

Looking for something to help me recover from the damage ws has done. I'm 11m post DDay and realize I haven't made much progress in certain areas.

4 comments posted: Friday, May 24th, 2019