Newest Member: SufferingInSilence


Me: BW. WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).DDay June 25 2018DDay2 EA 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3.
DDay2: 4/9/2022. I had been

How to even start?

I recently caught my WH in his second EA. I still find it hard that it was never physical as he was lying for a very long time about what he was doing and where he was going. By the time I started tracking him, every single time he left the house to "go on a drive" he was with her. At work, and even at her house. Sometimes he would sit in parking lots. That was where I found him. She was not there so I do not know if the plan was for her to meet after work or what but he had a history of being in parking lots as well. Anyways, all of that is for the other forum.
I kicked him out of the house that night, he packed some stuff and left the next morning, leaving his ring on the table without so much as a second look. We have a lot of factors in the air. I applied for Food stamps, and for an income based lawyer. Im a SAHM without much of an income. I just started as a travel Agent but I dont make consistent money with that. He won't tell me where he is living so he can't just come pick up the kids for his weekends or whatever. But this last weekend I was pretty much an on call "babysitter" trying to get stuff I needed to get done that I would normally be able to get done if I had a supportive helpful husband at home (mostly school work and work work) only for him to bring 2 of the 3 kids home after 2 hrs because the baby needed a nap and the 7 yo didnt want to stay with him.
We told our 11 yr old last night that we were divorcing. She cried. We went through the typical conversation. That nothing she did caused it etc. She has an older half sister (from WH previous marriage) and we let her know she was aware and there for her if she needs to talk and doesn't want to talk to us. They have already been talking about it. I think it has helped tremendously to have a big sister that's been through it to let her know it will be ok. Im living with my mom. We all were actually. We sold our house and moved in to help her after my dad died. Im also working on my masters degree so she's been helping with the kids a little too. Well my WH is pissed at my mom now. He thinks she used him(because when we moved in we took over a majority of the bills to help her because going from 2 incomes to her Publix cashier income was hard and she was falling behind). That she's walking around bad mouthing him etc. None of which is true so the tension here is rough. He picks the kids up for school in the morning (he was the one who brought them so he said he would like to still do that) and he has been coming after work to spend time with them. The issue is that my mom is not happy to see him. He has done nothing to make amends to her for doing this AGAIN after he promised her it would never happen. So when he's here he ignores her. My mom basically hides in her room. Im not sure how to navigate this. I am trying to be cordial and do everything I can to keep the kids routine normal and not just push their father out. However, this is my moms house and I dont think its ok for him to behave this way when he is here and I dont think my mom should feel like she has to hide. I told him yesterday that this situation needs to get sorted out so they could at least be in a room together and he said no he didnt. That he didnt have to do anything. That my mom is a horrible person and he didnt have to talk to her ever again. But he will. My mom is very much a part of the kids lives. We live here for Gods sake. Wherever he is living he said he didnt have room for a crib ( I won't let him keep the kids overnight until I know where he is living and he refuses to tell me) so when I would need him to take his turn with the kids, he would essentially be here and I would leave. Its a clusterfuck. I know. But I just dont know what to do. How did you all navigate less than desirable living situations when you were separated. I dont want to be an asshole and tell him he can't come over until he talks to my mom because that hurts the kids, but if I let this continue it hurts my mom and honestly right now, I need my moms support. I just got hired for a new job and it was going to require a lot of support from my HUSBAND with childcare and musical chairs for school pick ups and stuff but now that he is my WH, im going to rely on my mom a lot more than I want to.

9 comments posted: Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

Trust your gut. Back again

Welp I'm here again. I've had a feeling for a while WH was cheating. I had the random thought to check phone records and a number was there. Tons of text/picture/video messages. I couldn't see what they said or what they were of but nothing lines up with what was in his phone. I sat on the info for a few days and gathered my thoughts. He started going on drives in his new Jeep. I started tracking. He would say he is in one place but tracker shows another so tonight I went to where he was. No OW but I told him I knew. He tried telling me she's a friend and he was sending pics of the kids. Yeah. Ok. And you delete those messages and have to sit in random parking lots to do that. At midnight. I know he probably bwont ever give me the full truth. I'm in shock a little. I haven't had a large reaction yet. I was considering texting her. Or going to her work. She works at the cvs by our old house. He used to come home and talk about the CVS ladies. He made them sound old. I should have known then.

245 comments posted: Saturday, April 16th, 2022

Sex as a bargaining tool

We see it all the time. Wives getting what they want from their husbands using sex as a tool. Is this a real thing? Ive never done it, my friends and I have never talked about it, and we talk about EVERYTHING.
I ask because I have another work trip that I can go on. My last one was fun and super informative, and it really helped jumpstart me in my new TA gig. This one is more official and really gives us a chance to see things we probably normally wouldn't. Tours of the nicer hotels and private rooms, Q&A with Disney execs etc. WH first said no. Then when I told my bosses I couldn't make it, he changed his mind and said I could (he would have to take 2 days off work to stay with the baby so I need him to be on board). His caveat was that he needed "more" from me. More intimacy. So I said ok. I do need to work on that. Especially since we moved, things have been so chaotic and we share the room with the baby who has not been sleeping at all. So we agree I can go then we get covid boosters the next day. We both feel rough, but he gets a little something. That night he feels worse so Im up with the baby 6 times for a total of 3.5 hours of broken sleep that night. Next morning he wakes up and is ready to go. I don't hardly know my name because I'm so worn out between my shot and the baby. So I say no I'm exhausted and don't feel well. Next night pretty much the same, he feels terrible, I'm tired but butter so Im on baby duty again. he only wakes 3 times so I get a little more sleep but WH oversleeps the next morning so doesn't have time to ask for anything. Last night WH watched the National Championship game and I went to bed early cause I'm exhausted.He was mad when I told him I was going to bed because I didn't want to watch the game and I knew it was going to go on late. He said "Its sure you'll be asleep when I get in" to which I replied"God I hope so, I'm exhausted" not even thinking about sex and then he said "yeah of course" and rolls his eyes and that's whenI realize he expected me to stay ups we can have sex. I get in bed and pass out. This morning we both get up (baby slept through the night THANK GOD). Im in the bathroom and he comes in wanting to fool around. I make a joke of it and walk out because the bathroom is directly across the hall from my moms room, the hall is not even 3 feet wide, my moms room doesn't have a door on it, she is awake, in bed, and the bathroom door is wood slats, not a solid door so you can see shapes and movement in it and hear everything. I told him "you get some wild ideas in the morning" smack his butt and walk out. Trying to keep it light and fun cause clearly that was NOT going to happen. Well apparently he thought it was because he gave me the silent treatment the rest of the morning. I was trying to talk to him and getting short answers if any in return. I kept trying to get close to give him a hug, and he kept walking away so I told him "hey I'm trying to give you a hug" to which he grabs me and pulls me over for a side hug and a back pat and then kind of pushes me off. I mean............I guess he thinks that since we made this deal I'm his sex slave? The thing about it is he just bought a jeep, and is spending several hundred dollars on a tattoo sleeve (in memory of our son that passed). Neither of which I made any stipulations for. The jeep purchase is what made me think to even ask about going on my trip but it wasnt "oh you got this so I get that". Its like, he doesn't care how little sleep I've gotten, or that I cooked dinner, cleaned it all up after all 6 of us ate, gave all the kids baths all while he watched TV. I will say, he held the baby while he watched TV so I could at least clean up and get the other kids in the bath without a 18m old flowing me around crying because I'm not holding him. I realize that we shouldn't be lacking in intimacy so much that he feels like he needs to use it in order to bribe me to get it. But I also feel like he needs to have some realistic expectations. How can he be so blind as to what Im trying to do, how busy I am, and still expect me to drop to my knees when I finally get 2 seconds to breathe? Last night my mom even looked at me like "jeeze" because I was just finished sweeping and my husband was saying "I know buddy, you are tired. Its bedtime. Just gotta wait" but in a way that sounded more like"I know you want to go to bed but your mom is busy doing other more important things so you have to wait". Its just annoying. Its the same shit, different day. And Im sure you guys are tired of hearing about it. But I have no one else to vent to.

43 comments posted: Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Book for healing after an affair

Looking for something to help me recover from the damage ws has done. I'm 11m post DDay and realize I haven't made much progress in certain areas.

4 comments posted: Friday, May 24th, 2019

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