How to handle porn and similar in the future
I discovered that my wh was still watching porn (or started to watch it again) after it was a hard stop after the first A. In therapy we discussed it and found that it was a borderline addiction and caused him to have unrealistic expectations about sex, about me, about frequency of sex etc. So it was a no go following the first A unless it was something i was wanting to try together (I never did). So my question is how do you handle it in the future. I know it’s extremely common to watch. I know many couples enjoy it together but I’m completely and totally not ok with it. Maybe one day when I have a safe relationship but not now. Even those click bait ads that have "provocative " photos of this celebrity or whatever. Wh used private mode for porn but he still looked at plenty of borderline things on the regular browser. The reason I thought he was looking at porn was several of the ASMR videos he watched were clearly geared towards porn watchers with titles like "exotic Latina has EXPLOSIVE back crack" and "instagram college girl..". Even that stuff is inappropriate to me. How don you navigate these things. I can’t imagine ever being comfortable with it. I can’t hardly look at myself knowing that’s the shit I was unknowingly competing with while I though we were trying to R.
84 comments posted: Friday, July 22nd, 2022
Distrust versus intuition
Distrust versus intuition. I feel like I struggled for a long time and probably will struggle in future relationships with it but never gave it much thought that there was a difference. Do you think there’s a difference between being distrustful because you’ve been burned and intuition that something wrong? What would you think the differences are? Even now with little things I find myself not trusting people and I always assume its intuition but I can’t help but wonder if it was just me being paranoid.
12 comments posted: Friday, July 15th, 2022
My 11yo daughter is asking a ton of questions
I feel like I'm doing a horrible job answering my 11yos questions. She's hormonal as it is and now this. She keeps telling me I need to tell her the truth. She even said she thinks he cheated. I caught her reading texts today and I'm sure she has snuck out of bed to hear a conversation or two. I get it. I was a VERY nosey 11yo and of this was going on I wouldn't ever stop trying to figure it out. But I don't know what to say. Clearly no won't tell her, yes your dad cheated. We told her were fight too much and don't get along married, and we are better off as parents and friends. She yells at me about the truth. She asks why he's not allowed in the house. I told her there are certain rules we have to follow during this. My WH was threatening to check her out today (the original plan was he would check her out and take the baby so i could bring our son to the doctor bc he can be very emotional at the doctor and doing it with three kids can be hard. Well after this layeay discovery with the new OW I told him nevermind. We have a schedule and I'll handle it. Anyways. He was still going to check her out for the hell of it. I told him no, she doesn't need to miss any more school. He said he was going to and there was nothing I could do about it. Wrong. I told him I'd take her off the pick up list. She hears that conversation and asked me about it. I told her he can't just get her out of school whenever he wants etc. So. I'm totally failing with these questions and its always me that gets them. I'm trying hard not to answer them in a way to give away the issues but she won't stop asking. So I need a good "this is that and it's final" conversation.
13 comments posted: Friday, April 29th, 2022
Positive Self Talk
How do you all get started with this. I have so many amazing people posting on my thread. They all seem to feel so convinced that this was a blessing as I am free to find man that will love me, not lie to me, or at least be free of the shitty husband I have. But when I try and tell myself these things my brain won't let me. All I can do is think about the awful things he's done. How it isn't fair. Wonder what he's doing. Who he with. And most times I dont have the energy to fight these feelings. And I think we all know that pain shopping is a thing. Sometimes I like feeling angry. Its better than being sad. Or unsure. I am hung up on my WH. I am trying so hard not to be. And im taking baby steps. But I know this self talk is a big part of it. I dont find myself attractive, or physcially fit. My WH has convinced me that im basically a shit partner so I have a hard time thinking I will make it out of this on top. I know I need to work on my self talk. How do I start.
19 comments posted: Tuesday, April 26th, 2022
Good games to occupy my mind
I find myself staring at my phone a lot. Any good games y'all recommend. I get bored easily lol. I've tried candy crush and Farmville. Both kept be busy for a while when I was in the hospital bfor 3 months but Farmville got too stressful and candy crush got monotonous. I used to help WH with his wordscapes game so I don't think I could do that since we always did it together. Any suggestions??
10 comments posted: Saturday, April 23rd, 2022
How to even start?
I recently caught my WH in his second EA. I still find it hard that it was never physical as he was lying for a very long time about what he was doing and where he was going. By the time I started tracking him, every single time he left the house to "go on a drive" he was with her. At work, and even at her house. Sometimes he would sit in parking lots. That was where I found him. She was not there so I do not know if the plan was for her to meet after work or what but he had a history of being in parking lots as well. Anyways, all of that is for the other forum.
I kicked him out of the house that night, he packed some stuff and left the next morning, leaving his ring on the table without so much as a second look. We have a lot of factors in the air. I applied for Food stamps, and for an income based lawyer. Im a SAHM without much of an income. I just started as a travel Agent but I dont make consistent money with that. He won't tell me where he is living so he can't just come pick up the kids for his weekends or whatever. But this last weekend I was pretty much an on call "babysitter" trying to get stuff I needed to get done that I would normally be able to get done if I had a supportive helpful husband at home (mostly school work and work work) only for him to bring 2 of the 3 kids home after 2 hrs because the baby needed a nap and the 7 yo didnt want to stay with him.
We told our 11 yr old last night that we were divorcing. She cried. We went through the typical conversation. That nothing she did caused it etc. She has an older half sister (from WH previous marriage) and we let her know she was aware and there for her if she needs to talk and doesn't want to talk to us. They have already been talking about it. I think it has helped tremendously to have a big sister that's been through it to let her know it will be ok. Im living with my mom. We all were actually. We sold our house and moved in to help her after my dad died. Im also working on my masters degree so she's been helping with the kids a little too. Well my WH is pissed at my mom now. He thinks she used him(because when we moved in we took over a majority of the bills to help her because going from 2 incomes to her Publix cashier income was hard and she was falling behind). That she's walking around bad mouthing him etc. None of which is true so the tension here is rough. He picks the kids up for school in the morning (he was the one who brought them so he said he would like to still do that) and he has been coming after work to spend time with them. The issue is that my mom is not happy to see him. He has done nothing to make amends to her for doing this AGAIN after he promised her it would never happen. So when he's here he ignores her. My mom basically hides in her room. Im not sure how to navigate this. I am trying to be cordial and do everything I can to keep the kids routine normal and not just push their father out. However, this is my moms house and I dont think its ok for him to behave this way when he is here and I dont think my mom should feel like she has to hide. I told him yesterday that this situation needs to get sorted out so they could at least be in a room together and he said no he didnt. That he didnt have to do anything. That my mom is a horrible person and he didnt have to talk to her ever again. But he will. My mom is very much a part of the kids lives. We live here for Gods sake. Wherever he is living he said he didnt have room for a crib ( I won't let him keep the kids overnight until I know where he is living and he refuses to tell me) so when I would need him to take his turn with the kids, he would essentially be here and I would leave. Its a clusterfuck. I know. But I just dont know what to do. How did you all navigate less than desirable living situations when you were separated. I dont want to be an asshole and tell him he can't come over until he talks to my mom because that hurts the kids, but if I let this continue it hurts my mom and honestly right now, I need my moms support. I just got hired for a new job and it was going to require a lot of support from my HUSBAND with childcare and musical chairs for school pick ups and stuff but now that he is my WH, im going to rely on my mom a lot more than I want to.
9 comments posted: Tuesday, April 19th, 2022
Trust your gut. Back again
Welp I'm here again. I've had a feeling for a while WH was cheating. I had the random thought to check phone records and a number was there. Tons of text/picture/video messages. I couldn't see what they said or what they were of but nothing lines up with what was in his phone. I sat on the info for a few days and gathered my thoughts. He started going on drives in his new Jeep. I started tracking. He would say he is in one place but tracker shows another so tonight I went to where he was. No OW but I told him I knew. He tried telling me she's a friend and he was sending pics of the kids. Yeah. Ok. And you delete those messages and have to sit in random parking lots to do that. At midnight. I know he probably bwont ever give me the full truth. I'm in shock a little. I haven't had a large reaction yet. I was considering texting her. Or going to her work. She works at the cvs by our old house. He used to come home and talk about the CVS ladies. He made them sound old. I should have known then.
245 comments posted: Saturday, April 16th, 2022
Sex as a bargaining tool
We see it all the time. Wives getting what they want from their husbands using sex as a tool. Is this a real thing? Ive never done it, my friends and I have never talked about it, and we talk about EVERYTHING.
I ask because I have another work trip that I can go on. My last one was fun and super informative, and it really helped jumpstart me in my new TA gig. This one is more official and really gives us a chance to see things we probably normally wouldn't. Tours of the nicer hotels and private rooms, Q&A with Disney execs etc. WH first said no. Then when I told my bosses I couldn't make it, he changed his mind and said I could (he would have to take 2 days off work to stay with the baby so I need him to be on board). His caveat was that he needed "more" from me. More intimacy. So I said ok. I do need to work on that. Especially since we moved, things have been so chaotic and we share the room with the baby who has not been sleeping at all. So we agree I can go then we get covid boosters the next day. We both feel rough, but he gets a little something. That night he feels worse so Im up with the baby 6 times for a total of 3.5 hours of broken sleep that night. Next morning he wakes up and is ready to go. I don't hardly know my name because I'm so worn out between my shot and the baby. So I say no I'm exhausted and don't feel well. Next night pretty much the same, he feels terrible, I'm tired but butter so Im on baby duty again. he only wakes 3 times so I get a little more sleep but WH oversleeps the next morning so doesn't have time to ask for anything. Last night WH watched the National Championship game and I went to bed early cause I'm exhausted.He was mad when I told him I was going to bed because I didn't want to watch the game and I knew it was going to go on late. He said "Its sure you'll be asleep when I get in" to which I replied"God I hope so, I'm exhausted" not even thinking about sex and then he said "yeah of course" and rolls his eyes and that's whenI realize he expected me to stay ups we can have sex. I get in bed and pass out. This morning we both get up (baby slept through the night THANK GOD). Im in the bathroom and he comes in wanting to fool around. I make a joke of it and walk out because the bathroom is directly across the hall from my moms room, the hall is not even 3 feet wide, my moms room doesn't have a door on it, she is awake, in bed, and the bathroom door is wood slats, not a solid door so you can see shapes and movement in it and hear everything. I told him "you get some wild ideas in the morning" smack his butt and walk out. Trying to keep it light and fun cause clearly that was NOT going to happen. Well apparently he thought it was because he gave me the silent treatment the rest of the morning. I was trying to talk to him and getting short answers if any in return. I kept trying to get close to give him a hug, and he kept walking away so I told him "hey I'm trying to give you a hug" to which he grabs me and pulls me over for a side hug and a back pat and then kind of pushes me off. I mean............I guess he thinks that since we made this deal I'm his sex slave? The thing about it is he just bought a jeep, and is spending several hundred dollars on a tattoo sleeve (in memory of our son that passed). Neither of which I made any stipulations for. The jeep purchase is what made me think to even ask about going on my trip but it wasnt "oh you got this so I get that". Its like, he doesn't care how little sleep I've gotten, or that I cooked dinner, cleaned it all up after all 6 of us ate, gave all the kids baths all while he watched TV. I will say, he held the baby while he watched TV so I could at least clean up and get the other kids in the bath without a 18m old flowing me around crying because I'm not holding him. I realize that we shouldn't be lacking in intimacy so much that he feels like he needs to use it in order to bribe me to get it. But I also feel like he needs to have some realistic expectations. How can he be so blind as to what Im trying to do, how busy I am, and still expect me to drop to my knees when I finally get 2 seconds to breathe? Last night my mom even looked at me like "jeeze" because I was just finished sweeping and my husband was saying "I know buddy, you are tired. Its bedtime. Just gotta wait" but in a way that sounded more like"I know you want to go to bed but your mom is busy doing other more important things so you have to wait". Its just annoying. Its the same shit, different day. And Im sure you guys are tired of hearing about it. But I have no one else to vent to.
43 comments posted: Thursday, January 13th, 2022
Gaslighting and possible new A
I know those of you who knows me are probably not surprised not see me again. My husband is showing some serious red flags that make me worried hes having an A. The big issue is the gaslighting. It's making me go/feel crazy. He says one thing does the other. He will say I do or say or mean to say something that's never happened. When we moved the plan was I would stop watching my friends baby and go back to school. I brought it up the other day and he made me feel like shit about it. That not watching the other baby would be me not bringing in any money and only going to school is a lot to put on him and it isn't fair. He bring up the A a lot lately. He keeps talking about how he isn't able to go and do things because of it, which isn't true. He went out of town with his brother a few weekends ago. We went to his buddy's bday this weekend. He asked one day if he could walk to the neighbors to say hi, all I asked was if he would come back (because we were walking to the other neighbors in a bit for dinner. We have 3 kids. We need to communicate!). He took that as me saying he couldn't go because he had an A. Made a big deal about it after I practically begged him to go. After dinner I told him he could stay and hang out or go back after we got the kids in bed "NOPE! IM NOT GONNA DO IT. IM NOT ALLOWED TO DO THINGS BECAUSE I HAD AN AFFAIR!". I was so confused. My mom asked me to go get a pedicure the day after Thanksgiving, and his response was "When do I get to go and do things?! Like get a hair cut?!". My mom looks at me like WTF? I'm thinking, well you already go every 6 weeks when you find time and I literally had to cut my own hair the other day because its been 3 years since I've been to a salon. I finally got an eye doctor appointment and at the 1 hr 27 minute mark he called me asking where I was. I was on my way home. I told him that after the doctor no had to drop off our old cable box and grab a poster board for our daughters project. He is constantly angry, or bringing up the A lately. Just so many red flags. I have no proof so I'm trying to think of what to do. But in the meantime, how do y'all handle gaslighting? It's really starting to wear on me. I leave in 2 weeks for 2 nights (but 3 LONG days) in Disney for work and while I was looking forward to it, I'm not so much now. I feel like I'll never heard the end of it. Mind you before all this shit happened, he was in new Orleans almost every weekend with his dad and brother going to football games. But apparently none of that counts because he was with family and not getting hammered the whole time. The times he goes and does stuff, he comes back and complains that it wasn't fun without me. So he's MISERABLE wanting to go and miserable when he does go. I can't handle it. I'm so close to filing. I just want to get through the holidays.
13 comments posted: Monday, November 29th, 2021
Lost my job and wh is pissed
we have been talking about selling our house for a few months now. We actually have it planned to go on the market 9/1. I recently, within the last 3 weeks have discovered that my last job that survived covid (I had 3 work from home jobs prior) is now being slowly shut down. I told my husband and he is PISSED that now we HAVE to sell the house. This job was my money maker and full income source. I'm getting let go, and my husband is MAD AT ME BECAUSE I CANT AFFORD THE MORTGAGE ANYMORE. I asked him why it matters? We were planning on selling anyways, the reason has changed, maybe, but we still are not at the point of HAVING to sell. But I want to anyways. I'm over this house. We lost a child here, I discovered his A here, we were actually fighting about the girl that ended up being his girlfriend when we first toured the house. It's a damn house. I can't help that I'm losing my last job. I mean...shit ....I had 3 and they all are gone because of covid. And he is making me feel like total shit about it. It's definitely a new low. Unless I'm in the wrong somehow??
26 comments posted: Monday, August 30th, 2021
What's this called?
What is it called when you have someone who insists on doing nice things for you only to make you feel like total shit about it later? I mention under my breath while I'm dressing how I haven't gotten myself a nice summer dress in a while. WH INSISTS on finding one for me so we go to the mall and search and search and find one. Along with a few other things that I stopped and looked at (and told him no I did not want or need it only for him to buy it and look like the oh so attentive husband). Then, 4 hours later in an argument he throws it all in my face. To the point where I threw food out of the window because he was making me feel like a POS for asking him to stop. It was like the food was burning my body and it just flew out the window. I feel bad for tossing it because littering is the freaking worst but I just...reacted. if I could have peeled the dress off my body I would have. Why is is so damn hard to leave. I have somewhere to go. Why is it so freaking hard, y'all
5 comments posted: Saturday, July 17th, 2021
I've touched on this issue in older posts but I don't post VERY often so...tonight it seemed to really hit me.
When we were going through hysterical bonding after I found out about WH EA, we fell pregnant. Unfortunately, he passed away shortly after he was born. This was 2019 (a year after dday) We had another baby and he's here and healy. Lately I've just been struggling in general. Remote school with two big kids, financial stress, pandemic stress.... tonight we had a typical fight and I realized something. I feel like I'm trying so hard to hold on to this marriage for the kids (even though I'm pretty much miserable) but I always find myself thinking that had I just divorced him, we would have never gotten pregnant and we would have never lost that son. I feel like I'm trying to hold on to this marriage so that was not all for nothing. Suffering the loss of our son. I blame myself for it. I should have left after his A. And what messes with me so much is that we can have fun together when it's easy and stress free fun, we can have a blast..but the moment theres anything stressful, it blows up. I feel like I am suck in cement. I want to move, but I can't.
4 comments posted: Friday, May 21st, 2021
He's got some nerve
This June will be 3 years since day but honestly, I've not have much time to really sit with it. 5 months after day I found out I was pregnant (thanks hysterical bonding). At 30 weeks we discovered the baby and I were every sick and had an emergency c-section and he passed away shortly after. While we were grieving that, only 4 short months after we found we were pregnant again, I ended up in the hospital at 28 weeks for 8 weeks and delivered a mostly healthy boy. He has a few minor issues we are working with but nothing major (knock on wood). My dad's been sick for a few months and discovered it was a fractured back, that turned into cancer which went to his brain and he passed on monday the 5th (the brain cancer thankfully happened fast but everything else was months of stress in the making with my dad). I give this back story for this: wh went to grab a bag of salad. It took him 40ish minutes to get to and from the store that is 5 minutes baway, 6.5 if you catch the light. I got the kids in bed, read them a book and took a long shower. I thought for sure he'd be eating when I got out but he had just gotten home so I asked what took so long? I was thinking accident or he ran into someone at the store and chatted. He gets defensive immediately and just goes in on me about how he's tired of me thinking there's always something going on. Just goes on and on. Woah is me kind of crap. My wife doesn't trust me to be gone longer than seems normal. Remember y'all...my dad died Monday and he's bitching about me being on edge. Then he proceeds to get a pen and paper and talk about my finances and is flipping out about how I can spend all this money and he struggles. He buys all this stuff for me but I have more than enough to do it myself. He just bought me tennis shoes. I didnt ask him to. Not once. But he did it one night after I went to bed. Now he says he did it only because he thought I couldn't afford it. I told him nope. I just don't care to spend money on that stuff in unless it's necessary. So then he wants details of everything ive been spending my money on the past few months. Any time I buy ANYTHING. I tell him. I send him screenshots of my amaZon cart. I buy all of Christmas, birthdays, vacation etc. He is FLIPPING out. I told him how can he be doing this when my dad just died. And he just mocks me and said "oh yeah this and that happened and waa waa" I asked him if he has no limit to how low he will go. He says no. He says he knew something was going on...going on? You see my bills. You see what comes to the door, you see me swipe my card. Going on???? He can't even control this shit when my dad has died. Before dad passed and he was sick, wh was going in on me about how he paid for me to get my nails done. He insisted, I went, and then he threw it in my face. I yelled at him to give me a break I'm worried about my dad and he reminded me that I made a comment (to my wh) about how i hate how worried my mom is and I wish that if my dad was going to pass, he would do it quick so my mom wouldn't worry. He threw that in my face. And you know what's bad...is that when I found out my dad died, one of my first thoughyta was that my mom would have room for me and the kids so I could leave him. How the hell is this my life. I can't do this but it's still so hard to find the balls to leave. And what I hate is when he does this I just sit there or stand there, so completely flabbergasted that I have nothing to say..I'm speechless. And then I'm angry. But I never have the energy to fight him because regardless of what I say he will always have something to say. He will go for the kill when we fight. I may yell but I never bring up old shit or low shots. But he will so I never intentionally start a fight. I'll always lose.
14 comments posted: Thursday, April 8th, 2021
Book for healing after an affair
Looking for something to help me recover from the damage ws has done. I'm 11m post DDay and realize I haven't made much progress in certain areas.
4 comments posted: Friday, May 24th, 2019