Me- born in 1984Him- born in 1979We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.
Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club
I am officially divorced!
The saga started out in October 2017 when I was pregnant with my youngest after several excruciating pregnancy losses. My divorce was final in October of 2023!
My goals were to keep the house and not incur any debt from the divorce. I had to donate plasma to pay some of those billable hours, but I DID IT! I have the house and I have no additional debt. I am broke as hell, but now I do not have to pay every additional cent to a lawyer and can begin to use those additional funds for other things.
I look at it like I have finally come out of a long war, for all intents and purposes, practically unscathed and now I can begin to rebuild my country. My kids are doing great! My kindergartener is flourishing, and while my XWH is def a "disney dad", it is really for the best because I truly don't think he is capable of more. I am fine with doing the hard parenting things because I think it is what it best for my kid. Even though he has the standard every other weekend schedule, he only picks our son up for a couple of hours on Sunday and takes him to Main Event or Dave and Busters. I had a really interesting conversation with my son the other day.
My son and I were in the car and he said, "wouldn't it be crazy if I got pregnant and had a son? I can't do that though because I am a boy. I will take care of my son when my wife has one".
I said, "yeah, you will have to make him dinner, pack his lunch for school, buy his favorite snacks from the grocery store, throw him a birthday party, take him to karate, take him to the doctor, kiss his boo boos, meet with his teacher, help him with his homework, listen when he needs to talk because he is sad, drive him to his cousin's house, make sure he takes his shower and bushes his teeth every night, cuddle him in bed, buy his clothes and shoes, tell him stories, laugh at his funny jokes, take care of him when his is sic..."
He interrupted me, "mom, mom, mom, I am just going to take him to main event."
I didn't really know how to respond, but I thought it was pretty poignant. I somehow have to teach him that parents are responsible for more than just brief entertainment without denigrating his dad. I haven't figured it out yet, but I am hoping to demonstrate what a great parent does, not just what a mom does.
Anywho, life on the other side is absolutely amazing. None of my fears came true. Godspeed to all of you on this journey.
6 comments posted: Tuesday, October 31st, 2023
Entering New Phase in Relationship (Trigger Warning)
I have entered into a new phase of my relationship. Something in me snapped like a band and I am done. I am beyond my limit. I have run out of chances to offer.
Its not even the cheating that did us in (its crazy how they always say that). I mean, it definitely changed the dynamic. I would have never been truly happy--just sucking it up--but it was 100% doable. It was the drinking. He was extremely unpleasant when he was drunk (which was frequent) and sometimes he would just rage. In those times, he would tell me to get out of the house, scream at me while I fumble to pack my bags, trying to remember everything I will need. He would follow me around, veins popping out of his head, spitting while yelling at me to get my shit faster. These things didn't happen all the time, but immediately after he would change and be different for a while.
One time, he told me he was taking me to a nice place for dinner just because. I think he picked up on some comment I made about never going out on a date and this was him trying. When I was getting ready for the date, I asked him what I should wear and he said "whatever" so I naturally put on a Target peasant dress and some cowboy boots. When we arrived, it was evident that I was massively underdressed, there were so many people in formal wear. I was so out of my element looking like ellie may. I was too self conscious to really enjoy myself. He paid our outrageous check and made a big to-do about the how much he was tipping. We walked to the valet, which was located in front of the high falutin eating establishment we just came out of. He started putting his hand up the back of my dress in front of the restaurant. That level of PDA is NOT my jam, but for whatever reason, I just batted him away. I wasn't mean, I tried to be playful. Our car came and we started driving the streets of Fort Worth with the windows down. We start going over the bridge from 30 on the 35w southbound and he reaches over and puts his hands on my legs. I held my legs together tight. I don't know why I was so scared, this was my husband. I think he thought I was trying to be playful or hard to get and he pried my legs open and roughly shoved his dirty, hands in me. His fingernails were uncut. It hurt, it was awful and was NOT sexy. And yet, I still tried to be playful, but get him to stop. We were going like 85 when we got on 35. His face changed, "What do you not like it?" I just joked, "I don't want this to be how we die. That would be so awful for the kids." He was so pissed, he drove faster and faster, weaving through cars on 121 as we traveled east. I told him I was sorry, I just didn't like doing that in the car and we both agreed to try to salvage the night. He was so mean the rest of the night. He ended up blowing up on me when we got home and got so mad he ripped the shower door off the fucking hinges.
I think that was when our relationship really started circling the drain. This past labor day weekend, he went to play golf and do a fantasy draft with some buddies from high school. He never hangs out with friends, so I was really happy for him. I told him, please do not come home intoxicated. Well he cam home intoxicated. Raged. In front of the children. When I talked to him the next day, I told him that alcohol was a deal breaker. Then I found out he was drinking during the weekday and just getting drunk before he came home and tried to play straight. That is when the snap happened. When I realized the only way of getting off the merry go round was to step off the fucking merry go round.
He is changed now, obviously. He has been sober for three weeks! But he has been sober for years between rages. He was going to a therapist! I am happy for him, that is a good use of time. But he loves me! His love is literally the worst.
This fool went on reddit to the surviving infidelity sub and asked the community of betrayeds how to protect himself now that he found out (by going through my phone) that I have consulted with lawyers. He was dragged so fucking hard and it was so unbelievably validating. He minimized the shit outta what he did to me and the commenters saw right through him. It was so many people telling him the harsh truth that I wasn't able to communicate.
I have been so scared of taking this step. I have anxiety that feels like an elephant sitting on my chest. But this relationship is not serving me or my children and it hasn't for a long time. He has turned up the manipulation to the highest levels but it is so obvious now.
He think I can't refinance the house in just my name. He may be right. However, I have a realtor coming to tell me how much this house is worth and then I am talking to a loan officer to see what we can do. Please send me your positive energy. All I ever wanted was a simple life in my little house with my kids. I really hope we can make it happen.
33 comments posted: Tuesday, November 8th, 2022