If you cheat on her, know this...
For BP, I hope you feel heard and understood reading this. For WP, I hope it helps give you insight to how BP feel. Her/She can be easily swapped for He/Him/Them.
I am not the original author and do not know who is. It is the most spot-on expression of my feelings as a BP that I’ve seen and almost every bit of it resonated with me. Grab some tissues.
Fellow hurt friends- please read this to your WS. Give them that opportunity to really understand what’s going on inside you. For the WS brave enough to read this through, I commend you and I hope it helps you know the level of damage caused, while you work tirelessly to repair it. Wishing each of you peace and healing on your journey.
If you cheat on her, know this:
You will break her.
Like the violent shattering of glass as it crashes to the ground, never to be reassembled the same again.
You will not just break her heart.
You will break her trust.
You will break her spirit.
You will break her joy.
You will break her belief in love.
You will break her sense of self, and everything she believed in.
And know this…
It will teach her hard lessons that her tender innocent heart didn’t deserve to learn.
That "You are beautiful," actually means "but not beautiful enough."
That "You are sexy" means "but not sexy enough"
That "You are special," means "but not special enough to be my only."
That "You are the love of my life," means "I don’t respect you enough to remain faithful to my vows."
That "You can trust me" means "Never fully trust me because I will hide behind lies to serve my own best interest".
That "You are my forever" means "I will stay with you because we are married, but I will still want to pursue other women so I can fill my need"
And that "I love you" really means, well nothing, because love acts in the best interest of the other person and you did not. So she will no longer believe in the true meaning of those words.
Also know this…
She will not sleep—not through the night, as she counts the cracks in the walls at 3 am, seeking answers from a God she didn’t think she believed in, or cursing the God she thought was there for her.
She will not eat—not by choice, but because she can’t believe this is her reality. You see, the mere thought of you with other women makes her completely sick to her stomach.
She will shut down – Not on purpose, but because she will be consumed by images of you being intimate with others, a gift that was supposed to be just for her, and these images will haunt her mind. Shutting down is the only way she knows how to manage it.
She will not smile—not because there’s nothing to smile for, but because she doesn’t know what these things are anymore.
Her new existence is pain and confusion.
She will not care – not because she isn’t a caring person, but because the one thing in the world she cared about most was too distracted by selfishness and other women to remember to care about her.
She will stare – blankly into space, as she helplessly watches the flame of her love for you slowly fade with every lie. The dying flame will take with it some of admiration, desire, and respect that she once had for you.
If you cheat, also know this…
She will cry. A LOT. In front of you, and in private. Grief will hit her at the most unexpected times and this will go on for months, probably years.
She will scream... a scream so primal you can’t believe it came out of another human being, the shocking sound of soul crushing pain being released from her body because she cannot hold it in any longer.
She will curl into a ball on her living room floor, cheek pressed into the carpet—unable to move.
She will get a lump in her throat anytime she even thinks about the past. The past that the two of you shared, a past that no longer makes sense to her because she has no idea what was truth and what was deceit.
She will rage inside, holding it in, too scared to show the depth of this emotion because she never thought it was possible to feel hate for you, and it terrifies her.
She will be embarrassed and mortified as she snaps at others for no apparent reason at all.
She will feel unimaginably scared and for the first time she truly contemplates suicide. The sweet relief from this pain is palpably tempting. Relief is right there.
She will curse at her reflection and think if only she were prettier, or skinnier maybe she could have held your gaze. Maybe if she were more loving, more affectionate, more successful-if only she were MORE MORE MORE, it would have made a difference.
She will despise herself for not being perfect and she will obsess over this for years to come.
She will question everything about who she is and why she isn’t enough for you.
She will scream into the wind by the river, wondering what she did to deserve this, hoping her words will carry far enough to be heard by someone—ANYONE—who can tell her why, why did this happen?
She will not feel. She will be numbed in new ways that her hopeful loving heart had not known to be possible.
She will build walls, vowing to never be hurt like this again, and watch helplessly as pieces of her essence fall away as collateral damage from this horrible betrayal.
And then she will feel everything at once.
She will feel devalued, discarded, disassembled, disrespected—she will feel bewildered and betrayed.
She will feel completely foolish, humiliated, and full of fear. She will reach a new level of emotional fragmentation that she has never known before.
She will feel hate—toward you, toward the partners, toward herself, and towards any circumstance that may have led to your affair.
She will feel tethered. To these other women. Perseverating on what it was they had that was so tantalizing that they could grab your attention so easily. What it was they had that made you want them, not her. What it was they had that could cause you to make poor decision after poor decision.
She will feel guilt. For not recognizing the signs sooner. How could she not see it? She will feel stupid.
She will shame herself for providing you trust in all aspects of the marriage. Trust that you did NOT deserve.
She will feel conflicted. For acting in ways she never otherwise would have as she desperately tries to put the puzzle pieces together of this hellish nightmare as she tries to make sense of it all.
She will choke on her own confusion as she tries to hold on, grasping at ways to connect with you, yet yearning to let go of the lying piece of shit person that caused all of this pain.
And she will feel shame for the inconsistent emotions she is experiencing. Because she loves you and hates you.
She believed in YOU.
She believed in romance and her fairy tale—and that a chivalrous manner meant chivalry in ALL manners of mind, body, and soul.
She believed in honesty—complete and total honesty, and that being honest with your partner, even when difficult, is the cornerstone of intimacy and love.
She believed in respect—and that a love respected meant not being stabbed in the back, played for a fool, or lied to under ANY circumstance
She believed in love and soulmates—honoring each other always.
She believed in trust – total unconditional trust and that meant you would carry yourself in a way that was obvious to all others that you were in a committed relationship.
She believed you would protect her—and that being protected meant that you would have the strength to never do anything to hurt her in this way.
She believed in YOU. And you betrayed her.
She loved you with every fiber of her being. A pure, innocent, playful love that is God’s greatest gift.
She looked up to you as her best friend, lover, protector, soulmate. You were her everything. And if you cheat, she will never look at you the same way again.
She will NEVER ever be the same person again.
There will be a new form of darkness that will forever inhabit her soul, in places where only light existed.
She will have to carry this burden for the rest of her life, a burden she did not ask for, nor did she deserve, as she fights to keep the darkness from fully inhabiting her being. This will be a constant struggle for her because, you see, you have ruined her.
IF she stays with you, know this:
You have won the lottery. This is priceless. For her, it took immense courage, determination, time, pain, and choice to climb her way out of the darkness and fight the haunting demons of your betrayal. To fight that gut instinct that is constantly telling her that to trust and love you again is to get hurt again. NEVER forget the gift of her willingness to stay and work through this madness. This hellish nightmare that she never asked for.
This will be no small feat for her, when walking away would have been so much easier.
An addendum by Hannah47:
A newfound cynicism in her will say that you’ll read this and think it’s just a bunch of poetic sentences eloquently put together, melodramatic lyrics full of exaggerations, overreactions, and excessiveness. You will not take this seriously, who would?
You will read this and roll your eyes, because you believe that no real person would think and feel like that. You will read it, but you won’t understand it. You will think the sole purpose of this text is to punish you and make you feel bad, nothing else. You will feel like throwing up, not because you’ll realize how much you’ve hurt her, but because you’ll see so much clinginess in this text.
After all, what you did was bad, but not that bad. What you did was just a stupid mistake, but it’s not like you physically abused her. With the AP, it was just [insert whatever it was], so it can’t be so devastating. Nah, this is just attention seeking, and you’ll do the right thing – tell her you understand and you’re so so sorry. You will validate her feelings, but you won’t feel them with her.
11 comments posted: Thursday, July 7th, 2022
*Mod responded. Thank you so much. I appreciate you!
1 comment posted: Tuesday, June 28th, 2022
Discovery VS. Disclosure - I've become a Trickle Truth Buster.
Disclosure VS Discovery
My entire marriage hangs by a thread because my WH husband was a coward that chose discovery over disclosure. Disclosure requires bravery and putting someone above himself.
1. Everything I know about his affairs, I discovered on my own and confronted him about. Only when he knew his back was against the wall, did he admit anything.
2. He NEVER willingly disclosed anything, even after 3 separate DDays in which I was 3 seconds away from divorce.
3. WH told me that he NEVER intended to ever tell me the truth. EVER. (right hook to my face, metaphorically) He thought that if he didn't lie from then forward, it would be fine. This is a hard one for me because if he is STILL willing to lie to protect the secrets of his affair after 3 DDays, he is still putting the affairs and his APs first.
4. He just kept lying. I am the Trickle Truth buster. I swear, if there was some morbid gameshow called "Catch the Liar", I would win 1st prize and I'd win the car. He lies, I catch him. He lies again, I catch him. This went on for 7 MONTHS of false reconciliation.
Just 8 weeks ago, there was Day 4. I have no idea what happened this time, but I turned cold. This time didn't feel anything. I'm numb. I'm over it. I didn't feel sorry for him anymore. I used to really care about the fact that he hated himself so much and he was so miserable. But it was all "woe-is-me"/"poor me" bullshit.
On DDay 4, I spoke to him in a calm and collected manner. (We do not yell or raise our voices to each other and we have a special thing we do so as not to interrupt each other. Despite all of his cheating and lying, I have stuck to the no yelling rule. You have no idea how hard it is.)
I felt different. I sounded different. I spoke differently. I realized I had just hit my lying limit.
He noticed. Boy did he notice. And it scared him shitless. Now, we're booking a polygraph and he's in therapy. I have 100% access to everything and where I used to feel shame for wanting to check his phone, I now do it with no apologies, no excuses and in front of his face.
The ONE thing he could have done at any time from Aug 2021 to now that would have shown me that he REALLY wanted to be honest and save the marriage would have been to disclose everything on DDay 1. But he didn't.
It's almost as if the affairs were bad but what is ultimately killing the marriage is the sheer amount of lies and trickle truth since the discovery of them.
I am struggling. Always. Every day. Because of the sheer volume of lies, the willingness to lie, the duration of the lies, the extent of the lies, the severity of the lies, the goal of the lies and worst of all, the fact that he destroyed me with lies...and then kept lying.
This question stopped him in his tracks:
"Why do I have to be the one who suffers for every lesson you learn during all of this?"
If he just would have confessed, none of the above would have happened. I don't forgive him for that yet.
Can you brilliant SI members share anything you've learned about recovering from the avalanche of lies? Will my first instinct always be "he's trying to fool me" or "he has to be lying"?
DaddyDom, if you're out there, my husband reads all of your posts and says you need to write a book. I am grateful that his connection with your experiences has opened his eyes and unfogged his brain.
12 comments posted: Wednesday, June 8th, 2022