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Reconciliation :
Did your WS have "a weird look in their eyes" during their A?

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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 6:16 AM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022

"That concept regarding the eyes as windows to the soul, I think it has some truth to it."

This

Or rather the window to a complete lack of a conscious.

I call that look "the devil"

Another Bs called it the "light switch"

posts: 938   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8725022
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Dragonfly123 ( member #62802) posted at 7:39 AM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022

Yes. He’d always looked at me so kindly, with such love and suddenly nothing. It was as though he’d been possessed. I didn’t know the person driving my husbands body.

It was how I knew something was profoundly wrong as the affair began. I was just too naive to realise ‘what’ was wrong. That took a couple of weeks.

When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where the power is.

posts: 1631   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2018
id 8725024
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yellowledbetter ( member #70518) posted at 8:11 AM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022

Yes. Empty, sad, cold and distant. Vacant is the best way I could describe his eyes. Even when he was with us, he wasn’t really with us….

I can’t stand looking at pictures of him from that time period. It’s like looking into the soul of a stranger.

Me: BW 50
WH: 53, LTA, AP 20 yrs younger.
Married 32 yrs, together for 35.
3 children(1 still at home)
DDay Dec19/2018
Attempting Reconciliation.

~where there is deep grief, there was great love.

posts: 118   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8725025
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Dkt3 ( new member #75072) posted at 1:10 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022

Yes. She would rarely make eye contact. When she did it felt like she was looking past me. At the time I only attributed to finding out during the same time frame that her father had cancer (thankfully he beat it and it hasn't returned) and she absolutely hated my work travel.

I later found out it was mostly fear that she would give herself anyway, that I would see it as she put it.

posts: 41   ·   registered: Aug. 3rd, 2020
id 8725041
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BraveinAdversity ( new member #79863) posted at 2:35 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022

At the time never noticed, but when looking back at some photos she had this look of disgust. Not no every photo but just a few.

Cant work out if it was disgust at me, as she was mentally disassociating with me during her infidelity and I needed to be disgusting in order to justify what she was doing. Alternatively it was the disgust she was feeling within herself being reflected in the eyes.

Also interesting is that her eyes seem back to normal now on the rare occasions I see her, but she chose AP after DDay.

Dig deep, this shit is hard, but you got this!

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2022   ·   location: Yorkshire UK
id 8725056
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susie ( member #6682) posted at 3:36 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022

There was absolutely a change in my WS. It was very apparent that he wasn't present when looking at me or talking to me. His focus had shifted. The clear and constant connection between us was suddenly missing. My partner was absent.

Humans are gifted with a level of discernment that is the basis of multiple TV shows and movies. I have word poverty right now but Mandy Patinkin had a show about reading body language for jury selection.

Yes, y'all show it. We notice.

Abrams's Advice: When eating an elephant, take one bite at a time.

posts: 1257   ·   registered: Mar. 18th, 2005   ·   location: MI
id 8725061
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 6:43 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022

Yep. He stopped really looking at me at all. I bought his "depression" cover, but yeah. I went from being gazed at adoringly to being glanced at emptily. Seems to be a typical thing.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4996   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8725110
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whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 8:01 PM on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022

Not the eyes appearance, but the message they sent, in the early affair years. I sensed agitation, irritation, coldness even. I thought he was always mad at us or frustrated with us for something, but it was a feeling, not something I could see. He did look away more often, distracted, but I assumed he was stressed or busy.

I have scoured old pictures trying to see a visual difference in his eyes and have pictures I took of him looking at me with love and happiness throughout the cheating decade. They look the same. It freaks me out and is one of the things I still worry about, I couldn't tell then and I can't tell now. I thought those eyes were windows to his soul and only love and honesty lived there.

The Eagles song lying eyes really upsets me now. Because he can hide his lying eyes.

[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 8:03 PM, Wednesday, March 23rd]

BW: 62 WH: 62 Both 57 on Dday, M 35 years, 2 grown kids. WH had 9 year A with MOW, 7 month false R, multiple DDays, years of trickle truth.
I got rid of her with one email. Reconciling, but the lies have piled up. Trying one more time, again.

posts: 371   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8725142
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 2:25 AM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

Dead eyed. That's what I called it.

I went so far as to book an appointment with a doctor for him. Took him there and sat in there with him telling the doctor "something is wrong."


His eyes are dead.

I thought it was depression.

Just remembering his dead eyes makes me sad and queasy.

posts: 165   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8725274
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 2:56 AM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

My FWW's entire demeanor changed during her A. She had an almost arrogant way about her. She had it figured out. She was doing exactly what she wanted. She had figured out an argument that she could use to shut down any of my objections. I was dismissing her feelings and/or being controlling. Had I been less of a fool I would have discovered her A during the EA phase. But I couldn't even conceive of snooping in my fantasy version of our relationship.

Her hobbies are in the performing arts so she has always been good at posing for pictures with a beautiful smile and sparkling eyes. Looking back, I'd say that her smile became a bit more sly during that time. I thought that was because she had adopted this "life of the party" persona and she knew that I just had to live with it lest I get branded as controlling.

But the picture that really bothers me is one that I found of her from when she took a romantic walk in the park with her AP in the Fall. She's got that beautiful smile and a loving look in her eyes that I know very well. I could almost imagine that I took that picture and just forgot all about it. But I was never there and that smile wasn't for me, it was for another man.

That happy, beautiful day for her was Dday for me. While they were walking in the park, I was finally working up the courage to go through her emails.

Me: 60, BS -- Her: 59, FWS -- Dday: 11/15/03 -- Married 37 yrs -- Reconciled

posts: 381   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8725281
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HardRain ( member #60016) posted at 3:31 AM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

Yes, my W’s eyes weren’t soft. They were hard. It was a tell.

BH - Me, 39, at time of A
WW - 35, at time of A
DDay - July 1st, 2017
EA > PA, Sept 2016>June 2017, PA End of June.
Married 8 years, July 4th, 2009, two kids 3 and 5 at the time of the A.
Shooting for the stars and working hard for R...

posts: 52   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2017
id 8725285
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StrugglingCJ ( member #72778) posted at 6:39 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Mine definately did.. I went and looked back at pictures during the time of her affair, and when she was with me there was zero warmth or happiness there. But I've since seen pictures and selfies she took when she was with AP and she looked happy, content.

I even said this to her the first solo trip she took.. She sent me a selfie whilst away, I just said that she looked happier than she had in a long time.. Just didn't know at the time that the night before she had cheated on me.

I also spotted it a year later when we were back on a family trip near AP, she was on edge when out with me, but always around AP whenever we were at his mums, even to the point that his mum asked why she was leaving me to deal with all four kids without any real help from her.. Its not just the eyes, but the body language as well if you've ever been in the shitty situation where the WS gets you to be around the AP.

WW caught in EA May 17
DDay Mar 19 it was full PA
Struggling for R, but still trying.

posts: 242   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2020   ·   location: Essex
id 8725854
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papoula ( member #39079) posted at 6:53 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Mine didn't. I guess he is a "professional" cheater. What changed was the way he was treating me. Short tempered towards me, overly critical and annoyed by everything I did.

[This message edited by papoula at 6:54 PM, Friday, March 25th]

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 141   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8725856
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 7:18 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Well...as someone who was blindsided by the LTA, then blindsided when I discovered it had gone underground, hindsight is 2020.

Looking back at photos of WH during the LTA from the lens of time - when he was with me, his eyes looked troubled but when he was with LTAP his eyes just looked soulless. Even OBS (after I sent all the dozens of photos) and a few select others (in the know) I shared a few select photos with, asked if his eyes always looked dead.

I knew he was troubled during the LTA [self employed, business all but dried up, debt piling up takes it toll on a person]. But the dead inside eyes - that had to be pointed out to me by others. Because all I saw was LTAP. I've since learned a lot about body language - and he was dead inside with LTAP.

So I guess it is true - that old adage - the eyes really are the mirror to the soul.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home)
Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS in 2018
Cease & Desist sent spring 2021
"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3452   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8725858
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 9:20 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Omg yes!!

There are pictures from the time he was active in the affair where he looks fucking evil. He has light green eyes but they looked black. I permanently rid myself of those.

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 773   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8725893
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Repossessed ( member #79544) posted at 10:08 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

lest I get branded as controlling


t/j here:
This really has become 'a thing.' I spent the better part of my marriage sweeping things (all kinds of things unrelated to infidelity) under the rug to avoid being seen as that 'Sleeping With Enemy' sort. And she used my aversion to the stigma to great effect.

Her response when, after the betrayal when I promised myself to stop ignoring her bad behavior, I called her out on being gone all day with a friend and failing to do me the courtesy of a simple text telling me she'd be late, "I can't keep living on a leash this way."

Here to keep myself mindful that I don't always see what actually is. I certainly didn't when I married her.

posts: 217   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Chicagoland
id 8725908
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Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 11:20 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

There was a countenance to her that I knew at the time was hatred and contempt. I didn't know about the affair at the time, but I knew she treated me terribly.

Not a scintilla of that look in eight years.

If I ever see it again, I'm out.

Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.

posts: 211   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8725928
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psychmom ( member #47498) posted at 1:56 AM on Saturday, March 26th, 2022

Very insightful post and comments. Thanks, DaddyDom.

It’s been over 7 years since discovery and 10 since he started his affair life. He changed, he checked out, and yes, I saw the change in his eyes. The words were familiar and meant to be comforting and keep me off track, but there was a distinct change.

In fact I found it hard to look into his eyes in the days after dday because I was looking into the eyes of a stranger, even though we’d been a couple for nearly 23 years at that time. He was still keeping secrets for several months sfter DDay1, and his eyes were part of why I kept digging for more because I knew he was still not completely out of that cold state of lying and self-protection, even as he fought to keep me.

Creepy for sure.

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14
Reconciled

posts: 4260   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Back among those who found Peace of Mind
id 8725967
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jailedmind ( member #74958) posted at 7:32 AM on Saturday, March 26th, 2022

Glazed Over describes my fww eyes. A friend called my brother to tell me that something was going on between my wife and the AP. I confronted her about it she said "They were just friends" Eyes were glazed over and she had a smile on her face like the cat on Alice in Wonderland. She was in the middle of limerance.I found out the truth 4 months later. Then I saw fear in her eyes. Lol

posts: 107   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2020
id 8726006
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 9:05 AM on Saturday, March 26th, 2022

And by contract, his eyes now are the opposite - they are large and round, not squinty at all. They are clear and have depth to them as if there is a soul behind them. It was as if the squinting and darkness was an attempt not to see what was really happening. To be honest, that squinting and darkness was noticeable for about a year prior to the A. It was weird. I started to see his eyes change then his behavior change and I know there was no A at that time. If we only knew then what we know now...

[This message edited by ISurvivedSoFar at 9:07 AM, Saturday, March 26th]

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2796   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8726013
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