Dig deep, this shit is hard, but you got this!
My life got flipped turned upside down!
Hi everyone, been lurking and digesting info and I must say everyone on here is so supportive and generous with their thoughts and guidance. So here's my story, hopefully it makes sense and avoids any ramblings! But I'm aware it might be fragmented due to how the A came to light.
I recently found out that my partner of 16 years and mother of our 6 year old son has been having an affair. Who I was sadly still very much in love with. I'm very lost at present and just talking each day as it comes, but I'm relatively high functioning under stress and anxiety and able to put on a brave face. I've lost over 20lbs in weight and cannot sleep. Over the last month I've been constantly wondering how this happened (I didn't see it coming at all) and it has knocked me for six or 6 million. I started IC today which has improved my mood somewhat though and was very cathartic to talk to someone and have them listen to my ruminating.
I left my WP once I found out on DDay 3rd Jan, this was more of admittance then any form of disclosure; she wouldnt give me any details. I moved to my parents for 2 weeks as I didnt what her to see the trauma I was in, but for the last 2 weeks I've moved back into the family home as need to be closer to home for work and my son. WP has moved into her parents. Although she is using the family home to remote work whilst I'm out at work.
The last 12 months of our relationship weren't the same as the preceeding 15 years that I accept. 2nd lockdown was tough, she's and extrovert and hated being locked up. Lack of intimacy between us crept in but relationship was never toxic or bad. We have always had laughter and happiness even recently around xmas, common interests, but equally individual hobbies. I was never controlling or unloving and always supportive, kind and generous. But clearly a bit of boredom and monotony had occurred. Think I forgot how to communicate my love to her in the way she wanted and looking back got stuck in the mundane, everyday cycle of life; work, chores, childcare, watch TV for a bit, fall asleep, bed. Rinse and repeat.
Since lockdown lifted in 2021 I'm in the UK, my partner started frequently going out with friends more etc (which I would have very much liked to have been by her side instead) but wanted to give her the freedom to do her own thing; In my head it was 'I love you so much I will sacrifice my own pleasure' so she could have hers, especially after the restrictions of the 2nd lockdown and her being an extrovert, needing to see her friends. I was also by my partner assigned the role of chief babysitter during these frequent jaunts. I loved spending time with my son, I'm much more a hands on dad than she is mum. Since DDay I've realised this was the affair taking shape and she wasn't with her friends, but I didnt notice at the time and not until around Xmas (trust and fidelity are a core value of mine, which she knew, it had been communicated. Therefore I never contemplated this would ever be the cause of our relationship to end). Gosh the lies that this took, messaging and calling me whilst on weekends away with him. Discussing the meals, restaurants and activities that they had undertaken, under the cover of being with her female friends. Showing me videos and sending me pictures of the places visited. She even chose walks to go on as a family to the same place she had been with AP the day before.
She got sloppy though and left receipts of gift she'd bought the AP for Xmas under the bed and also posted a picture of herself on SM wearing a hat and rucksack he'd bought her for Xmas. (I hasten to add they were nearly exactly the same gifts I'd bought her myself that she was wearing when she left the house, but had changed them over). Not to mention birth control pills, but we hadn't been intimate for some time (maybe 9ish months) so she also must have been having unprotected sex... urgh!!
Back in time.....I broke down in tears and had a panic attack in the autumn; Nov 16th to be precise due to noticing the change in our bond and opened up that my heart was breaking, due to fear of loosing her after an unusually nasty argument and wanting to fight to regain the relationship we once knew. We had a long conversation and we seemed to move forward. We agreed that it showed we both cared, although she stressed she still needed her space and she didn't want me to smoother her. But alas it was too late she continued the A (at this time I was still not in the slightest bit aware). My biggest regret is that I enabled her taking advantage of me, keeping me at home with our son whilst they pursued oneanother. Secondly I just cannot fathom why after 15 and a bit wonderfully happy years and less than 1 tough one she just jumped ship on our family without even talking about any problems she may have had within our relationship to try to rectify them. That one hurts the deepest!
She's now only contacting me regarding child care arrangements. When I first left after DDay she messaged me saying she missed me so much. She also called me about 3 days later saying the usual
Sorry I hurt you, he was someone who showed her a bit of attention, LYBNILWY, that she took me for granted, I'll never trust her again, didnt think we could get backnto how it was, her heads been turned, she feels so ashamed, she's been living in a bubble and she needs to be on her own for a while.
Since then nothing but silence other than childcare arrangements.
What she isn't aware is that I have found out who the AP is and she doesnt know I know! He's the same age as the both of us 39 but never been in a long term relationship, if he was such a good guy why couldnt he find a single lady, had to go for the one with a family. He doesn't have any commitments and is therefore readily available unlike me who is caring for his family or now just child. They seemed to have sparked a friendship through cycling and triathlon (a hobby of hers not mine). He's even liked historical pictures of my son on her SM, like he's just wanting to take my family!!! ABSOLUTE RAGE AT THIS!!!!!
The few times that I've seen her since DDay when we have crossed paths at the house. I just don't recognise her within 4 weeks. She seems like a stranger. This might be just me but I'm really starting to think she might me having a mid-life crisis and at some point she's either going to implode and see the damage she done or that it's gone so far she can't turn back. The only people by which point that will have suffered is my son and I. I get physically nauseous when I think that ultimately this AP may get to be a part of my sons life and pass on his clearly warped character and moral compass onto him. Although his mother clearly has many flaws that I now see clear as day.
As she has continued the relationship with her AP since the split, its clear where her priorities now sit and the relationship clearly didn't mean enough to want to save it. She's betrayed me by having the A, continuing it after November's heart to heart and then seeming choosing him over me on DDay. Sadly and this is the saddest part; I'm still in the hoping phase that she comes to her senses and want R and I cannot shift that feeling, even though in my gut I know its folly. I also categorically refuse to play the pick me dance.
She hasn't told anyone about the A other than her Mum and sister. Her father would be mortified as he caught his own mother having affair whilst in his teens. I think she's now transferred the lies to them to continue the A when our son is with me. She's not acting like a normal adult as when she has our son it will be grandma who does all the chores and she will be getting weighted on hand and foot. Again mid-life crisis, like she's reverting to a teenager. I think now she is pretending the A is over so that she can in the future bring him in as a new partner so he won't be seen as the home-wreaker.
Sorry to ramble, but I just don't know what to do. Should I calmly confront her and ask for clarity and that I know who the AP is. Should I contact her mother? Should I just move on. What I can say for certain is I'm focusing my efforts now though on healing myself and taking care of my son. I really need to sort the sleep out though, but really don't want to go down the medication route. I'm doing breathing techniques, mindfulness, walking and exercising when I can. These all help in different ways, but nothing seems to calm my mind when I go to bed.
Many thanks to all those that take the time to read.
26 comments posted: Friday, February 4th, 2022