BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrsDDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14Reconciled

9/13/14– 8 years is now a lifetime ago

The start of Fall always makes me recall DDay1, the day I finally had to face the reality that my H had been living a lie for over 3 years, and life as I knew it was never going to be the same again.

It really is true that healing from this type of wound takes years, even under the best of circumstances. Our reality is challenged, we suddenly see our partner as a stranger, everything we had believed about our relationship has to be examined and questioned. The physical and emotional toll of this level of betrayal is something I could never begin to imagine until it happened to me.

And happened to me it did! But I was fortunate to have one solid girlfriend who held me up and likely saved my life more times than she knows. And then in April of 2015 I stumbled upon this website, and joined the best club nobody wants to join. 😊. The people here who had walked in my shoes and knew so much more about what I was going through and what inevitably lay ahead of me than I did. I found here a place to rant and vent and say all the horrible and scary things I felt inside that I didn’t think anyone would listen to without thinking I was nuts or pathetic. At various times I likely was one or both, but people here got it, and helped me make sense of so much that made no sense to me at the time.

On my 8 year anniversary, I salute SI and the people who make this site a safe space to heal, to hurt, to find whatever it is we’re looking for. For me, I wanted to find peace again. I wanted to jump off the emotional roller coaster way before that was possible, I wanted to stop the obsessions and incessant mind movies. I wanted to own my own mind again. I finally did, with a lot of help along the way, but it took over 3 very long years to crawl out of that darkness.

There is hope for a good life once you make peace with the past. It takes time and work to sort through the puzzle pieces and put that sucker back together again. But it can be done.

I’m at peace. I forgot my DDay and had to check my signature for the date 😉. There was that time I thought I’d never forget, never heal. But I have. And I owe much of my success to SI and the good folks here. I’d name names but I’m sure I’d forget someone, so I’ll resist. If you’re new here, I wish you the very best. And I’m so sorry you’ve found us. But this really is the best place you never thought you’d have to come looking for. If you’re among the old timers, thank you with all my heart. Keep doing the good work.

For the record, we’re still married, he hasn’t cheated again as far as I know, and our marriage has improved from what it was leading to DDay. The DDs are grown and living their best lives, and we’re inching toward retirement. The past is behind us, and that’s a very good thing.

21 comments posted: Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

"How to Change Your Mind" - Psychedelics

Just finished reading this fascinating book by Michael Pollan. His discussion of the dissolution of the ego, the snow globe analogy of shaking up our neural pathways and getting out of mental ruts. . . some useful ideas for thinking about some of the effects of trauma myself and other BS may be experiencing.

And it's not only psychedelics (under guided, controlled conditions; he's not advocating dropping acid and heading off to a Phish concert) but also meditation when practiced correctly. Breaking out of mental habits of thinking, including the rumination about the past that sometimes still gets me down.

Anyone else read this book and have comments to share?

21 comments posted: Tuesday, July 16th, 2019

I Don't Want to Talk About It

....Overcoming the secret legacy of male depression. But its not just about depression but more about how men are socialized to deny feelings, act like feral beasts, etc.

Mr Psych said hes gotten more from this book than 2 years in IC. The ideas spoke to him in a way he was willing to hear and accept.

Recommended by my IC for both myself and Mr Psych to read. Very glad we did.

Author is Terrence Real

4 comments posted: Tuesday, February 6th, 2018